Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Way down upon the Swanie River

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Blog Guy, you seem to know a lot about nature. Can swans fly?

No. They can neither fly nor swim.

What? Hold on, I’ve SEEN swans swimming in lakes and rivers and stuff!

No, you’ve seen swans, which have very long legs, PRETENDING to swim. Mostly, though, they prefer to travel by boat.

Is that right? And where are they going in these photos?

Well, first they’re going to the doctor, and then for a treat they’re going to the ballet.

Which ballet?

“Swan Lake,” of course.

Sigh. I know I’ll regret asking this, but why are they going to the doctor?

Don’t you read the papers? It’s time for swan flu vaccinations

Blog Guy, that’s moronic even by your standards.

Yeah, but I have tickets to a good show, so this will have to be my…

No! Don’t say it!

Swan song…

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Swan keeper Olaf Niess watches swans sitting in boats after he and council workers rounded up them from Hamburg’s inner city lake Alster November 23, 2009. Every year the swans are collected from waterways around the northern German city of Hamburg and taken to winter quarters where they are fed and cared for until the spring. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

Hottest new gift gadget for guys this season…

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Blog Guy, I need Christmas gift shopping advice for my boyfriend. I want something really special. Help!

How about a new Beamer?

No, he already drives a Lexus and loves it.

Not a Bemer, a BEAMER! The hot new gadget this season is the Bikini Beamer 3000, which beams bikini-clad models right to his bachelor pad, in minutes.

One more crack out of you…

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First, I want to thank all you doctors for coming to this Humiliation Committee meeting to discuss our problem today. I know it’s a Thursday, so you should be enjoying a four-day weekend, as usual.

But it has come to our attention that the good old-fashioned butt check – and you all know what that involves – just doesn’t seem as demeaning and degrading as it used to.

Look Out for the Cheetah…

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Blog Guy, I’m outraged. Connect me to your blog’s complaint department!

Hello, this is the Odd Blog Complaint Department. Your call is important to us…

Just call me “Easy Writer”

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Blog Guy, a couple of weeks ago you featured a rebus in your blog. How about another one?

Rebus? You mean that Roman guy who was the brother of Romulus?

No, you dimwit. Not Remus, REBUS!

Oh, you mean Uncle Rebus, that guy with the “Br’er Rabbit” stories.

A miracle cure? No chants!

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Got milk? Farmers face lactose intolerance…

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

For a well-heeled damsel on a knight out…

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Blog Guy, my friends and I dress up like knights in medieval costumes. Armor, swords, lances. We re-enact battles and stuff.

So what?

The thing is, our wives want to recreate the way the ladies looked, but we don’t know what they wore.

Kabul-Capades, coming your way!

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

As they say, foam is where the art is…

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Blog Guy, I need your business advice, quickly! I know this is gonna sound like one of those people who see the Virgin Mary’s face on a Ritz cracker or something, but…

I’m in Taiwan, and I got a latte at my hotel, and I swear I saw the image of the Dalai Lama IN THE FOAM ON TOP.