Quick quiz: The most horrific road hazard faced by Tour de France riders is…

a) snipers in the trees

b) oncoming 18-wheelers

c) rabid leg-eating wolverines

d) blatant accordion music

Yes, all other hazards pale by comparison to the shameless accordion players, who can step out of the tall grass with no warning whatsoever.

Upon hearing the first few bars of “Lady of Spain,” even the toughest riders clap their hands to their ears and spin out of control.

(Warning: Contains graphic photos of accordion playing)

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Above: An accordion-player cheers the pack of riders during the Tour de France cycling race, July 18, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

Right: Pack of riders makes its way past a man playing accordion in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Stefano Reliandini

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Quick quiz: The people in these photos are smiling because they got tickets to…

a) A $40 million lottery

b) A dinner with President Barack Obama

c) A private audience with the pope

d) A memorial service

Yeah, surprisingly, it’s the memorial service thing.

I guess this finally explains that old expression, “as happy as a guy going to a memorial service.”

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Fans cheer after picking up tickets for Michael Jackson’s memorial at Dodgers stadium in Los Angeles July 6, 2009. REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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Quick quiz for tough economic times. What are some effective things you can do to help prevent being laid off?

a)  Be a model worker. Don’t surf the Internet, hang around the coffee machine, leave early, etc.

b) Take on extra responsibilities and learn new skills; make yourself indispensable.

c)  Offer constructive suggestions for cutting costs in other ways.

d)  Have your boss killed.

Yeah, there’s nothing funny about that last option. We have a story about a guy who was arrested after the police suspected he hired a contract killer to murder his boss in a desperate bid to avoid being laid off.

It seems the suspect, through his sister, contracted a team of six Colombians who planned and carried out the killing of the boss, who had planned to lay off the arrested man as part of a restructuring project.

What can you, as an employer, do to protect yourself from something like this?

Well, before you make your downsizing plans you may want to ask all your employees if they know any hitmen. Make it sound real casual. You also might want to find a better euphemism than “restructuring project,” which doesn’t fool anybody these days.

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Former shipyard workers wearing masks hurl objects at police during a protest in Gijon, northern Spain, in photos taken last month. REUTERS photos by Eloy Alonso

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Quick quiz: Where would be a really stupid place to sell booze?

a) churches

b) kindergartens

c) hospitals

d) gas stations

Okay, they’re all pretty stupid, but I guess I’m going to say gas stations, because you really can buy liquor there in Lithuania. I’m not making this up.

But in a clear example of jack-booted repression, on January 1 it became illegal for gas stations to sell liquor at night.

I mean, what could go wrong with a carload of yokels pulling off the highway, filling their tank, buying a couple of handles of vodka and roaring off into the darkness?

To answer an obvious question, police data show that alcohol-related accidents have dropped by 45 percent since the ban was imposed. Nevertheless, an oil and gas company is fighting the ban, saying it may force them to start closing their stations at night and laying off workers.

Well boo-hoo! My own personal opinion is that they should continue the ban at gas stations, and just sell their booze at highway toll booths, instead.

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Above: Women play in mud during international music festival “Be2gether” in Lithuania, June 13, 2009. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

Left: A man flashes a victory sign as more than 150 truck and bus drivers take part in a protest against the rising price of fuel in Vilnius, Lithuania, in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Ints Kalnins

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Quick quiz: Well-to-do socialite Paris Hilton and this guy here are…

• Discussing if they can get to the bar in time for Wednesday night $1 margaritas.
• Singing that Captain and Tenille hit, “Muskrat Love.”
• Shooting a mouthwash ad that will only be seen in Japan.
• Flirting shamelessly; She’s saying, “I’ve done hard time, big boy, that changes a girl!” and he’s saying, “You’re a socialite? So you think the government should own everything?”
  

Quick quiz: Thousands of live rats in Cambodia, shown in crates below, are being shipped to Vietnam to…

a) enjoy a getaway at one of the world’s top rat vacation destinations.

b) be used as Happy Rat Day gifts.

c) take part in a rat exchange which could lead to a foreign exchange program involving real students.

d) be eaten up by people.

Is that your final answer? Yes, I’m afraid they are heading off to be eaten.

Still, if that surprises you then I guess you missed my blog a couple of weeks ago headlined Another bowl of blood, Lonnie! Shame on you!

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Above: A boy shows off a rat he caught at Kandal province, Cambodia, May 15, 2009.

Left: Live rats are stored in Kandal province, awaiting transport to Vietnam.

REUTERS photos by Chor Sokunthea

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Quick quiz: hiking amid the stunning alpine beauty of the Appenzell area of Switzerland would make any nature-lover want to…

a) belt out a favorite song from “The Sound of Music.”

b) bounce a hearty yodel from peak to peak.

c) stop on the trail for a fondue feast.

d) strip and expose buck-naked leathery flesh to innocent strangers.

I’m afraid the correct reply is the naked hiking thing, which is why this place has just banned the activity, known locally as “Birthdaysuitinfloppinwalkin.”

The move is expected to protect would-be naked hikers from some serious injuries. You don’t even want to know where they wore their pedometers.

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People raise hands to vote at the annual Landsgemeinde meeting in Appenzell, April 26, 2009. This is one of Switzerland’s two Landsgemeinden, a 700-year tradition of an open-air assembly where citizens can make key political decisions directly by raising their hands.

REUTERS photos by Arnd Wiegmann

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Quick quiz: These smiling, fresh-faced kids…

a) Have been cast to star in a new Harry Potter movie.

b) Were accepted to the leafy New England college of their choice.

c) Are going to the senior prom together.

d) Seem to really be enjoying their murder trial.

If you guessed the murder trial you win, although the reason for the smiles is a mystery to me.

The two, Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito, have been on trial for several weeks, and some of these happy snaps were taken as recently as today. Whenever we get new photos from the court, I marvel again at the degree of levity.

I hate to sound like an old fart, but back in my day being tried for murder wasn’t NEARLY this much fun. It kind of makes me wish I was them. Oh well, maybe not.

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Above: combo shots of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox.

Below: Jailed murder suspect Amanda Knox, of the U.S. is led by Italian penitentiary police to a trial session in Perugia, February 13, 2009. Knox and Raffaele Sollecito are on trial for the murder of British student Meredith Kercher in November,  2007.

REUTERS photos by Daniele La Monaca

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Quick quiz: The man in this photo…

a) is a professional aspirin tester, giving himself a routine headache at the start of his workday.

b) is a Kindle reader who just HATES the new John Grisham book!

c) is disappointed to realize he could’ve had a V8.

d) is killing flies by a method that isn’t doctor-recommended.

This item is for all you college seniors writing in to ask me about careers in the exciting field of iron sheet disposal. I can tell you from tough personal experience that it’s not as glamorous as it looks.

For one thing, you lose about twenty IQ points a year doing this, which means you can only work for… for… what was I saying?

A shaolin monk breaks an iron sheet with his head during a performance at a temple in Quanzhou, Fujian province, China, April 9, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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Quick quiz: if you feel tired at work and you need to catch a few winks, a good place to do it is…

a) a cot in the office.

b) the back seat of your car.

c) the barstool at your watering hole

d) a railroad track, on April Fool’s Day.

Unfortunately, this guy chose d).

I imagine his buddies in the work crew said something like, “Lonnie, you’re lookin’ kind of sleepy. Go on, close your eyes. Those tracks are real comfy, and the 12:06 to Shanghai is always late.”

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A worker naps on the railway at the construction site of Wuhan North Railway Marshalling Station in Wuhan, Hubei province, China, April 1, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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