Oddly Enough Blog

Looking for love? Raise the bar higher!

Blog Guy, I know you are very good at beauty tips. I’m a young woman who would like to meet some guys, and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

First, you need to figure out the angle that makes your best first impression. Left side, right side, upside-down, whatever. Then, you should…

Excuse me? Upside-down? How would I just casually be upside-down when I meet a guy? And who looks good that way, anyhow?

Never under-estimate the impact of being upside-down. It is playful, yet confusing, and it’s a guy-magnet. That’s why so many women are taking up high jumping.

But don’t just take my word for it. Here, on the right, is a high jumper from Croatia, just looking normal.

Now, look up at the top photo. The very same woman, upside down. Pretty glamorous, huh? Guys are probably lining up with their pickup lines when she hits the ground.

The most romantic protests ever?

Blog Guy, I read that they’re having street protests in Casablanca. Can you give us some details?

You know I don’t like to do research.

Well, maybe you could just look at some recent photos and guess what’s going on, as usual?

Okay, okay. I’ll try to imagine some dialogue for these news pictures. Casablanca, huh?

* * * * * *

“Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places.”

Let’s practice those pickup lines, boys!

I think I have some pretty good news here, and right now I’m talking to you single guys.

The woman in these photos just split with her boyfriend and is now back in the dating pool. She’s on the rebound and vulnerable, so here’s your chance.

Oh, just one thing. She’s been dating actor George Clooney for two years. He’s your most recent competition.

That’s right, all you need is a pickup line persuading her you’re better than Clooney, and she’s all yours. Oh, and I guess you have to get her to actually listen to you while she’s getting the pepper spray out of her purse.

Here are some that might work, but feel free to come up with your own:

• I hope you don’t go in for those slick, perfect, intelligent, rock-jawed, rich, charismatic, Hollywood pretty boys…
• Well honey, I guess now it’s either me or Brad Pitt. Do you see him here?
• I’ll have $4 million as soon as it gets here from Nigeria…
• I know a guy that can get that tattoo off your arm…
• Check it out! I can wiggle my ears!
• Hop on! Once you ride a Vespa, there’s no turnin’ back!
• Hey cutie, call me if you lose a couple of pounds!

Bride pride? Taking to the bridal path…

Blog Guy, I was surprised to read your item about that Bridesmaid Festival. Are there any other examples of wedding nostalgia events you’re aware of?

Sure. Over in the Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk they just had their annual “Parade of Brides,” where 100 young married women took part in the event to relive their wedding day.

RELIVE THEIR WEDDING DAY? Are you kidding me?

Thanks to my ex-wife’s lawyer I relive my freaking wedding day all year long! It’s gonna take years of therapy to change that.

I’m sorry you’re so bitter about the institution of marriage. Clearly, many people find it joyful to remember such a romantic day.

Hey, wait just a second, Blog Guy! Krasnoyarsk? Isn’t that the place you call “Wackytown?” Isn’t it the city you’ve identified as the goofiest spot on earth?

If you run out of REAL wedding news…

Blog Guy, that royal wedding is getting really close now, so how about some more of your expertise? I believe you mentioned a royal carriage would be used for Prince William and Kate?

Absolutely, and here you can see the regal vehicle, with the royal couple riding around in it for practice.

Gosh, I thought if might be a little nicer.

These things are never quite as majestic as we imagine them, are they?

Who’s that baby in the carriage with them?

What do I look like, a fricking genealogist?

And don’t pick your nose at the wedding!

Good news. We have another one of those etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by Goths. And not even by especially smart Goths, judging from the level of the advice.

Using the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton as a sly way into the subject, we tell readers what they need to know if they are invited to a wedding. It’s pretty complicated.

First, there’s the invitation. “If you may bring a guest, your invitation will read “Mr. John Phelps and Guest,” our item advises.

I suppose this helps guys named John Phelps, and also for their lucky guests, but it kind of leaves the rest of us out in the cold.

The column says we should RSVP immediately, and it actually goes on to tell us what RSVP means. I’m not sure it’s wise to give that level of sophistication to the lower classes, who may abuse it later.

“Hey Fred, I’m inviting those Phelps jerks over for a weenie roast! How do you spell RSVP?”

Five tips that could save your marriage

Maybe you saw that actor Nicolas Cage was arrested in New Orleans after an argument with his wife. He was booked on suspicion of domestic abuse battery, disturbing the peace and public drunkenness.

What intrigued me was that the police said Cage and his wife were standing in front of a home and arguing about whether it was where they lived.

Well, I can get behind that in a big way. If there’s one thing my wife and I always argue about, it’s which house is ours.

Honey, this is our place! No, our house is on another street! Hold on, it’s that green one! Wait, this isn’t even our city!

Because I’ve been through this so often, I’ve devised some helpful tricks. They’ve saved my marriage, and maybe they’ll work for other guys:

• Look in your pocket. If you have a key to the front door, it’s probably your house.
• Check the address on your diver’s license to see if the numbers match the ones on the door.
• Use your cell phone to dial your home number, then listen carefully for a ring inside the house.
• Go to nearby homes and ask the neighbors if you look familiar.
• Stumble back to the bar. Another drink could help jog your memory.

Shooting through a glass, darkly…

Johnson, get your butt into my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

Jeez, Boss, I thought I was doing better. What’s wrong?

I send you out to cover Formula One racing over the weekend, and you come back with shots of cars?

Look at this crap! Cars having wrecks, cars on fire, cars flying through the air…

But Boss! There was a 14-car pile-up! It was a bloodbath! Human body parts were strewn like so much shark chum around the track! What was I supposed to shoot?

You simpleton! You go to Formula One to shoot the drivers’ gorgeous girlfriends in aviator sunglasses! Nothing else!

Souvenirs: Selling Kate by the crate?

Blog Guy, I see they’re churning out all kinds of memorabilia in advance of Britain’s royal wedding next month.

I’ll bet it will really sell, considering Kate Middleton is so popular and beautiful. Have any artists done an especially unusual job of capturing the charms of this lovely young woman?

Yes, I’m intrigued by the way an Italian artist reproduced the engaged couple in a Christmas creche, casting Kate in a noble, classic visage from earlier times.

Really? Did he do her as a Greek or Roman goddess, or…

No, it looks to me like he’s done her as that dim-witted ventriloquist dummy, Mortimer Snerd, but with more than just the one tooth.

Wow, that is one way to go, I guess. If Kate looks that bad, how did this guy depict Prince William?

Honey, we need to talc…

Okay, the folks in these pictures are coverd in talcum powder from a traditional Powder Day festival in their Spanish village.

The caption tells us that festival participants “hurl talcum powder at each other until they are completely covered with it,” and that in the past, “young men used this game to seduce girls.”

Are you kidding me? That worked to seduce girls?

Hey, señorita! Look up here! Gotcha! Hope you enjoy this 50-pound bag of Johnson and Johnson’s all over you!

Oh Lonnie, you miscreant scalawag! You’ve ruined my brand-new Easter dress! It’s kind of a turn-on! Let’s go to a motel!

Great! Another successful talcum powder seduction!