Blog Guy, I really need some dating advice. I’m an attractive young woman but I’m very shy, and when I meet a new man for the first time I just don’t know what to say. Help!

This is a very common problem. Some women find it useful to be holding something in their hand when they first meet a new guy, to help get the conversation started.

You know, something the guy will have to comment on. Do you have anything like that?

Yes! I love my picture of Lenin!

Okay, yes I guess a wallet-size photo of a former Beatle could be a conversation starter.

No, not Lennon! This is Vladimir Lenin. The Communist guy. It is a very nice portrait. I bet you’re right, any young man would admire it!

That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Now, you take this photo on the left, of a fashion model holding something…

I see. And you think that would help me start conversations with men?

Yes. Trust me, even if they are recently deceased.

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Above: A model holds a portrait of Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, while presenting a creation by Kazakhstan designer Saltanat Baymukhamedova during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 31, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by Baymukhamedova in Almaty, October 30, 2009.

REUTERS/photos by Shamil Zhumatov

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Blog Guy, I’m planning my wedding, and I need your advice. My four bridesmaids are very pretty, and I don’t want them to outshine me at my own event.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem like kind of a bitch.

Hey, thanks! So how can I make sure I’m the brightest star on my special day?

Oh, just do what every other bride does. Choose the most hideous outfits imaginable for your bridesmaids. They can’t stop you.

Check this combo shot, and pretend those are your four bridesmaids coming down the aisle, all skanked-up like the Queen of Uglytown…

I love it. It’s beyond HIDEOUS! Surely it doesn’t exist!

It’s real, and it was just presented at a genuine fashion show. I’m pretty sure it’s made from old car upholstery. Also note the shoes and a very special touch, a full shower curtain hanging from the hem and dragging on the floor.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Years from now my friends and I will have such fun looking at the wedding photos!

You really are out of your mind, aren’t you, honey?

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A model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Elena Burenina during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, it’s well known that you’re a real romantic, whose sophisticated dating advice is followed by many. Here is a couple on a date in Washington, DC. They are leaving a restaurant after a leisurely dinner. I’d like your thoughts.

The guy is a few steps behind her. Bad move. If there are muggers waiting to take her purse, he can’t do anything to stop them.

Ah, I hadn’t thought of that. What else?

He looks preoccupied. Like he’s rehearsing his lines. Probably tired old crap like she should come back and see his “big house,” his valuable paintings and antiques. Kind of pathetic.

So wait, you don’t think she knows what he does?

Nah, she was counting on meeting a doctor!

Where do you think they are, anyway?

If I had to guess, it looks like the elegant, swanky, sumptuous neighborhood they call Georgetown.

And your point there would be?

There’s no point, really. I just like saying Georgetown is elegant, swanky and sumptuous.

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President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama leave the Blue Duck Tavern in the Georgetown section of Washington after a dinner, October 3, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Theiler

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Blog Guy, I’m tired of dating smart chicks. Where can I find some stupid ones?

I can’t help you. The ones I know, especially those who read my blog, are very smart.

Come on, just between us, you must know where I can get some dimwits.

You might try London. Some of the women there are so stupid the police have launched an ad campaign warning them to stop carrying guns for their boyfriends. It doesn’t get much dumber.

“Hey Pam, you got any extra room in your purse?

“Sure, Johnny. Watcha need?”

“Let’s see. here’s my Chapstick, and some gum…”

“No worries, Johnny. Anything else?”

“Oh, I guess I should take my Glock in case I wanna kill somebody. But I’d rather not carry it on me because I could go to prison.”

“No sweat, Johnny. I can see where you wouldn’t want that. Look, just a little bit of the barrel sticks out of my purse. Ya want some extra ammo, too?”

“You’re the best, baby! What did I do to deserve a tree stump like you?”

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Above: Hollywood actress Milla Jovovich in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

Left: A model presents swimwear during a fashion show in Budapest in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh

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Blog Guy, I’m a hip young single guy, and I need some dating advice.

You’ve sure come to the right place. I can pretend I know all about that stuff.

I go to singles bars, and sometimes chicks will say, “You want to come back to my place?” But I don’t always know if I should.

I hear you. For starters, if she’s in the parking lot and you haven’t even gone inside yet, you should probably pass.

Wow, thanks! What else?

Well, hair can be a giveaway. If a woman looks as though hers was styled by a helicopter rotor, say something diplomatic, like “Sorry, as you can see, I’m a Roman Catholic priest.”

And what about her clothes? Should I be looking for a chick with a very low-cut top, or a more respectable turtleneck sweater, or….

Let me stop you there. The only actual rule is, if she has a top with different-colored circles glued over her breasts, AND she has the rotor hair, look her in the eye and say, “My Birthers Club is meeting here now, maybe you’d like to join us?”

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Above: Model presents a creation from Eun Jeong 2010 Spring/ Summer collection at London Fashion Week, September 18, 2009.

Right: Model presents a creation from House of Holland 2010 Spring/ Summer collection at London Fashion Week, September 21, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Stefan Wermuth

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If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It’s in his kiss!
(That’s where it is!)

Yesterday was supposed to be the last day of voting in our Coolest Leader Dude reader poll, comparing U.S. President Barack Obama, Britain’s Prince Charles and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

However, the Online Polling Commission has ordered us to accept votes through this weekend on the grounds that with Charles ahead, there must have been irregularities.

So now I’ve got Jimmy Carter on my sofa going over polling data. The winner will DEFINITELY be announced on Monday, even if God forbid it turns out to be the British guy.

Meanwhile, today we take a look at the guys showing off their charisma by planting big romantic kisses, the kind women expect before you get to the other stuff.

Here’s Obama kissing his wife, Charles kissing his mum and Putin kissing a horse.

Ladies, look at the photos, close your eyes and decide if you’d rather be Michelle, the Queen, or, um, Nelly.

Ya want some more coffee, Jimmy?

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U.S. President Obama kisses his wife Michelle as they dance at an Inaugural Ball in Washington, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

Left upper: Britain’s Prince Charles kisses the hand of his mother, Queen Elizabeth, during a visit to the Chelsea Flower Show in London, May 18, 2009. REUTERS/Sang Tan/Pool

Left lower: Russian President Putin nuzzles a horse in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Itar-Tass

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Hi, are you Liz? It’s me - Lamar - your Internet date!

So, at last we meet!. That’s quite an outfit, Liz. I guess you must have just come from some theatrical thing or something? Oh. You just came from the dentist, huh? Well…

I hope you like it here at Denny’s. Their country fried steak is… Excuse me, Liz, um, that little skull on your shoulder just said something to me.

I don’t know for sure, but it seemed like he said, “See you in hell, Lamar!”

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I’ve been… There it goes again! I’m sure he just said, “I will float your eyeballs in Grape Nehi!”

Okay, Liz, I just don’t think this is gonna work out, because that skull… What? Go back to your place and get comfortable? Well sure, I guess that little fella is kinda cute, after all!

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A model dressed as the Chinese fictional character White Bone Spirit participates in a graduation show at Mao Geping Image Design Art School in Beijing, July 28, 2009. REUTERS/Christina Hu

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We have this story today that says if you don’t know enough people to invite to your wedding, it turns out you can HIRE total strangers from this Japanese agency who will come and pretend to be your family and friends.

Surely this is another sign of that approaching Apocalypse. In addition to all the other runaway expenses of having a wedding, you can now add $200 a person so you don’t look quite as much like the total loser you really are?

The story says sometimes the marriage partner isn’t even aware of the deception. If you have to hire shills to fool your fiancée, doesn’t that border on fraud?

And doesn’t it lead to recurring expenses when you have to bring these people back for Christmas and birthdays and stuff?

What happens if your bride’s REAL friends find out that yours are only temps? They’ll feel like chumps for attending for free, that’s what!

I see so much potential for disaster here…

“Honey, I want you to meet my folks. Well, yes, now that you mention it, I guess they DO look Japanese, don’t they? Gee, I could ask them, but I don’t really understand what they’re saying…..

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A poodle models a wedding dress for pets in Tokyo in a 2003 file photo. REUTERS/Issei Kato

A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo, May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Once again, the top-five most popular posts in this blog for May reflect the diverse interests of our readers.

We’ve got sports - okay, lingerie football, but that still counts.  We’ve got romance in the form of the smoking brides and the marriage countdown bra.

We have parenting, reflected by the visitor who tried changing her baby on a bench at the White House, and fashion is represented by the very worst outfit in the entire history of the world.

Heck, with all that, how could anybody NOT read this blog? If you have any friends who aren’t yet regular readers, send them this selection.

Remember what we say, “Friends don’t let friends not read this blog.”

The top five posts for May were:

5. The wide world of lingerie?

4. “You may now kiss the bride.” “No thanks.”

3. The worst outfit in the history of earth?

2. Change at the White House, baby!

And the most popular blog post of the month!

1. Maybe the worst idea ever?

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Model displays new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

A military usher suggests to a guest a better location than the crosshall of the White House to change a baby’s diaper before an event in the East Room in Washington, May 1, 2009. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

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I guess every couple in love wants to be Romeo and Juliet. To refresh your memory, Juliet was a 13-year-old girl who couldn’t marry her boyfriend, so she takes a potion that makes her seem dead, then he finds her and takes poison, and when she wakes up and sees his body she stabs herself to death.

What young love bugs wouldn’t want a relationship like that?

Now modern lovers can have the ultimate romantic thrill, getting married on the balcony in the 13th century mansion thought to be the home of the Capulets of Shakespeare’s tragedy, ‘West Side Story.’

This is big stuff for incurable romantics. If it’s a success, there’s no end to the mawkishly tragic romantic shrines of pop culture that can offer the same deal.

“Honey, have you thought about where we should hold the wedding? I want someplace really romantic!

“I’m thinking like that air strip in ‘Casablanca.’ Or the cave in ‘The English Patient.’ Or you know, that Moscow tram from ‘Dr. Zhivago.”’

“Well wait, sweetie, don’t forget that covered bridge in Madison County… Or the Titanic. Is that still around?”

Video clip of the wedding

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Luca Ceccarelli kisses his wife Irene Lanforti after getting married at Casa di Giulietta in Verona, Italy, June 1, 2009. Casa di Giulietta, or Juliet’s House, is a museum dedicated to Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet” play. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

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