From Switzerland comes news that a Hong Kong tycoon who bought a flawless blue diamond for a record $9.5 million has now named it the “Star of Josephine.”

I’m not sure why this is important. Naming jewelry is no big deal. For years, my wife has been naming the tokens of affection I’ve given her on romantic occasions.

It started with her engagement ring, an admittedly very modest ruby which she christened the Dinky Pinky.

Soon, the Dinkster was joined by a diamond named Mr. Chips, followed by a pearl she calls, well, Poor Pitiful Pearl.

These adornments now share space in her jewelry box alongside El Shrimpo, Mr. Measly and Li’l Sapphire. Last Christmas, they were joined by Pretty Boy Flawed. So take that, Josephine!

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Model displays the diamond during an auction preview in Geneva May 6, 2009. It was found in 2008 and weighs 7.03 carats. The buyer will have the honor of naming the diamond as the first owner of the stone. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

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Hang on just a dad-gum minute there, Blog Guy!

What’s wrong, stranger who talks just like Jed Clampett?

You had a purty good sign of the Apocalypse a couple days back, but I reckon you overlooked a better one. I saw some Reuters photos of…

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve had nightmares. You mean the dressed-up pigs?

Durn tootin’ I do!

Yeah, they dress pigs up like humans at this festival in the Philippines. I saw Zorro, a bride and groom, some boxers, then I passed out.

So you missed the piggy weddin’ song, “Days of Swine and Roses?”

Sigh. I’m getting up a petition objecting to this event. Want to sign?

Shore, but how do you send a big petition all the way to the Philippines?

I just use a Manila envelope.

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Above: A roasted pig dressed like Zorro is on a wooden horse during an annual Lechon (roasted pig) festival in Manila, May 17, 2009.

Left: A man fixes a wig of a roasted pig dressed as a bride and groom during Lechon festival.

REUTERS/Cheryl Ravelo

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Quick quiz: Well-to-do socialite Paris Hilton and this guy here are…

• Discussing if they can get to the bar in time for Wednesday night $1 margaritas.
• Singing that Captain and Tenille hit, “Muskrat Love.”
• Shooting a mouthwash ad that will only be seen in Japan.
• Flirting shamelessly; She’s saying, “I’ve done hard time, big boy, that changes a girl!” and he’s saying, “You’re a socialite? So you think the government should own everything?”
  

Blog Guy, I’m planning a June wedding and I’d like it to have a sophisticated feel. Are there any foreign wedding customs we might want to use?

Well, in Romania the brides all go sit out on the curb and smoke a butt together on the big day.

Ewwww. Why do they do that?

I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because more and more churches in Romania are becoming no-smoking.

Also, I believe there were some unpleasant accidents when brides tried smoking during the ceremony while they were veiled.

I think this is more of your crap. How do you know they’re sitting on a curb?

You’ve got me there. They could just be two very short brides. Yeah, that’s it. Watch for my upcoming Wikipedia piece, “The two-foot-tall Women of Romania.”

That’s better. I have to keep you honest.

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Women in wedding gowns smoke cigarettes under the shade during the “Bride Parade” in Bucharest May 17, 2009. The event gathered future and former brides under the slogan of, “Be a bride for one more day”. REUTERS/Radu Sigheti

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Lots of guys have written in asking me how they should dress during a flu pandemic, if we have one.

“Bobby,” one of them said, “chicks will need my sweet lovin’ to get ‘em through this, so I have to stay alive and keep lookin’ hot.”

Now, I’m pretty sure it isn’t even possible to kill guys that obnoxious, but I guess it’s smart of them to plan ahead.

To be honest, these masks may be a boon for you dudes with disgusting herpes or train-stopping bad breath. This could be your lucky day.

So check out what designers are offering to help you send a subtle message: “Hey cutie, remember you said to come back if I was the last man on Earth?”

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Models present creations by Stand house design at the final day of the Rosemount Fashion Festival in central Sydney May 1, 2009. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

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Blog Guy, I was interested in the item you had with the dude dressed like an angel to pick up hot chicks. I think that’s what I need, some kind of a new gimmick.

Have you thought of covering your body with 50,000 live bees?

Would that work?

Are you kidding? Chicks LOVE bees! You show up at happy hour looking like this guy, you’re golden! Just practice this classic pickup line: “Would you care to go back to my residence and enjoy my bees and my tennis shoes?”

Sold! I’m heading for the bee store now. Allow me to compliment you on not filling this post with a bunch of juvenile puns like “Hey, honey!” and “I’ve got hives” and stuff like that.

Hey, do you really think I’m that bumbling?

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Beekeeper Wang Dalin, 40, stands with a mantle of around 50,000 bees covering his body with the help of his wife at Chenjiawan village of Zigui County in Yichang, Hubei province, China, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’m the happiest woman in the world! I’m engaged to marry Gumby! But I can’t seem to find an appropriate bridal gown. Can you help?

Sure, check out this lovely creation from a show in Moscow yesterday. It’s perfect. And congratulations! Gumby is quite a catch, even if he WAS working as a rickshaw-puller on a farm in China the last time we found him.

Oh, I talked my little claymation honey into coming home.

So he does whatever you want?

I’d say he’s very flexible.

Wow. Sounds like you’re the boss!

He’s like putty in my hands. Anyway, he’s joined his clay family business.

Oh yeah? What’s it called?

Adobe.

What’s  he like personally? I’ve always heard he’s very considerate.

I’ll say! Gumby would bend over backwards for you!

Ouch! Let me guess. I’ve been a good audience, you’ll be here all week, and I should remember to tip my waitress.

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A model presents a creation by fashion design students during the semi-final of the Russian Silhouette competition in Moscow March 31, 2009.  REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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So now they’re selling a diamond and gold-leaf “carat cake” as a $2,500 gift for guys to give when they propose marriage. I see disaster ahead.

“Honey, we’ve been dating for two years, and I have something to ask you…

“Here, have some of this very special cake while I’m talking. Go ahead, dig in.

“You know, I love you deeply, and I want… Ooooh, I guess your tooth fillings are reacting to those gold leaves, like chewing on a piece of Reynolds Wrap. Sorry.

“Anyway, we’re so happy, and… Sweetie, your gums are bleeding. See, those things are real diamonds, not Jujubes. Looks like you’ve cracked your front tooth…

“I didn’t think you’d cram all that gold in your mouth. You look like a fricking Colombian drug lord!

“You know, when you chew with your mouth open like that, the blood just sprays out. The diamonds must have cut a mouth artery or something… What was I saying? Never mind. It wasn’t important…”

Businessman Angelito Araneta Jr. shows a chocolate cake topped with 15 African diamonds and covered with 24-carat gold leaves, which he plans to sell at $2,558 to men for use as a marriage proposal gift. REUTERS/ Romeo Ranoco

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“Melanie, would you just look at that! Can you BELIEVE the trash they’ve invited to this party? Makes me so damn mad!

“There’s Grace Johnson! She’s messing around with her gardener! My God, she still has the brambles in her hair! The NERVE!

“And here comes Trish Ferguson! Everybody knows she’s having a flaming affair with her stable boy!

“Look! She even brought him HERE! There she is, big as you please, out in public with him in his little lawn jockey outfit!

“What’s this world coming to, Melanie? Shameless hussies, floozies, gardeners, stable boys! It’s like we live in a damned Harlequin Romance novel!”

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Models present creations by Scherer Gonzalez at the Berlin Fashion Week 2009, January 31, 2009. REUTERS photos by Tobias Schwarz

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Blog Guy, I’m a man who LOVES ballroom dancing. I’m taking a trip to India, and I wondered where I might enjoy an elegant evening over there?

There are some places, but judging from pictures I’ve seen they do things very differently. You may not like it.

Really? How so?

It looks like women ask the men to dance, and they don’t seem to be too subtle.

Yikes! Looks kind of aggressive, but I can handle it. My favorite dance move is the dip. SO romantic! Do they do those?

Uh, yeah, but as you can see below, the woman dips the man, typically with an iron-grip choke-hold on his throat.

Then how does the woman bring her partner back to a standing position?

Did you see the photo? Once your spine snaps, does it really matter?

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Employees from Automatic Data Processing practice at a workshop on self-defense techniques for women in the southern Indian city of Hyderabad, December 17, 2008. REUTERS/Krishnendu Halder

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