Oddly Enough Blog

Space dudes come “home” from stupid trip

Okay, I thought this was a goofy idea 17 months ago, and I haven’t changed my mind.

Back in mid-2010, I made fun of a Russian science experiment where six guys were about to “simulate” a trip to Mars, by spending 520 days in a mock “spaceship” on Earth.

Halfway through the isolation period, three crewmen even donned bulky spacesuits to clomp around in a dark, sand-filled room, imitating the surface of Mars.

Yesterday, having gone absolutely nowhere, the six came “home.” They emerged, pale and bleary-eyed and greeted their families, just as if they had really returned from someplace.

Then they were immediately taken away for a three-day quarantine period. Really.

In fairness to these six guys, though, they did finish what they started, unlike a similar experiment in 2000.

What’s this-here doohickey for?

Blog Guy, I could use some of your famous career advice.

My mom gave me a glossy brochure entitled, “The Glamorous Field of Dismantling Old Nuclear Bombs,” and I signed up for their training course.

It’s real interesting, but I wondered what you thought of that career path?

Well, I do know the U.S. is currently dismantling some of our old nuclear weapons, so I guess there should be opportunities.

I see that they took apart the oldest nuclear bomb in our Cold War arsenal, one of the most powerful ones ever built, just this week. So they are training you, huh?

Oh sure! They don’t just hand us our sledge hammers and blowtorches and chainsaws and what-not unless we get at least a C in the two-day course.

To goofinity, and beyond!

I try very hard to invent high-quality fantasy stuff for my blog, but sometimes I just can’t compete with reality. For instance, I could never make up anything like this actual science story:

LAS CRUCES, New Mexico (Reuters) – A start-up space company building inflatable habitats for commercial and government lease has laid off half its staff because of delays developing space taxis needed to fly people to the outposts, the company president said on Wednesday.

Robert Bigelow, a hotel entrepreneur and founder of Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace, had hoped space taxis, also needed by NASA to fly astronauts to the International Space Station, would be available by early 2015.

I don’t even know which element is most bizarre. Is it that this guy makes inflatable space houses, or that now the taxis he thought would take folks up to his inflatable space houses won’t be ready on time, or that his business is based in Las Vegas?

I need to start paying more attention to technology, because I haven’t felt this ignorant about current events since a year ago, when I found out the U.S. Navy was shooting off Volkswagens at the speed of light or whatever it was.

I mean, did I fall asleep for 20 years and suddenly wake up in a world where there’s a weekend space house waiting for me, if only I can get a taxi?

Creepy gets a whole lot creepier

Okay, this story is so disturbing I’m not sure where to begin.

A city in Turkey has equipped the local morgue with the latest gadgetry in case any of the bodies stored there have been declared dead by mistake.

It seems alarms and motion detectors in the mortuary will detect the slightest movement if one of the bodies emerges from a coma or unconsciousness.

The story says they took this precaution because the locals are afraid of being buried alive.

Well, who the hell isn’t?

But I think a more important point here is that the story says the town isn’t otherwise known for its modernity.

Try to remember the best of September

The figures are in for this blog’s most popular posts in September, and readers showed a wide variety of interests. They flocked to our pieces on rugby, especially the nude variety, and were eager to learn about flying machines and submarines you can build at home.

Throw in some arts, politics and entertainment, and you’ve got a well-rounded month for folks who no longer need constant supervision.

Thanks for coming back, readers.

Here you go, your top 10 for the month. Now go out in the yard and build those planes and submarines!

10.  Welcome to the Barney Fife Pistol Range

9. She’s the Darjeeling of the Tea Party? 

Great science projects for your family…

Blog Guy, my daughter, Julie, has to do a school project involving transportation. We were thinking about making a little cardboard sled.

A cardboard sled? Are you a chump? Don’t you care about getting little Julie into a decent college?

But she’s only six.

Six? It may already be too late! Look at what other families are doing in the homemade transportation department.

These folks above, in China, are finishing up a miniature submarine which will be able to dive to 65 feet and spend 10 hours under water.

That’s impressive, but surely it’s one of a kind.

Seeing Libya, from surface to air!

Blog Guy, I could use some of your famous travel advice. With Libya being in the news lately I’d love to go see it, but I’m concerned about getting around. I’m not even sure how to get there. I’ll be starting my trip in Mexico, so I need to get…

From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli? No problem. Libya is already building up tourism, and offers fast, efficient ways to get from place to place, using the thousands of  unused missiles littering the country.

This happy family in the photo above is about to start their Libyan adventure, and they’ll see all the sights while cruising at a brisk 4,500 miles per hour. Sit down and buckle up, kids, we’re ready for takeoff!

That looks neat. Do they let you listen to your iPod on the flight?

Sure thing, but you should turn it on about 20 minutes before takeoff. Otherwise your music won’t catch up with you, what with traveling six times the speed of sound.

I love it when you make science simple, Blog Guy. How about the airports? Is it easy to tell where flights are going?

Don’t look up, it’s NUTTY in the sky!

I used to pride myself on having the goofiest content on reuters.com, but then this week I took a look at our space news, and saw what real scientists are telling us.

For instance, did you know astronauts had  to take refuge aboard the International Space Station’s “lifeboat” crafts yesterday?  The Russian space agency said “space trash” was passing very close to the station.

I guess “space trash” must be Jed Clampett-type guys in coveralls, out hunting space squirrels, but you’d think we would be more politically correct in our wording. “Yokels” or “Hillbillies” would be more sensitive.

And continuing with the space garbage theme, our own NASA said an asteroid with the girth of a garbage truck soared within 7,500 miles of the Earth on Monday. They called it a “near-Earth asteroid.”

That’s the distance from Bolivia to Alaska. Look, when a hurtling garbage truck gets so close that I could drive there, I get very nervous. Remember, the last known quote from a dinosaur, 65 million years ago, was “Hey, look at that pretty thing streaking across the…”

Then there’s my favorite space story of the week. Russian scientists expect humanity to encounter alien civilizations by 2031, a top Russian astronomer predicted.

It gets better. He said the aliens would most likely resemble humans, with two arms, two legs and a head.

Boy, this comes as quite a surprise…

I am in the wrong damned business. I need to get one of those sweet gigs doing scientific “studies.”

But it has to be just the right “study,” where the results back up what everybody already thinks. If your “study” rocks the boat, then people take a closer look and find out you spent your whole grant on remodeling your guest bathroom, and you’re in trouble.

A recent study by Texas researchers has found guys who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single. Right. Hold on to your hats.

“Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date,” the researcher said.

I gather “interesting as a date” is a euphemism meaning the chick won’t have to climb on a city bus and go eat at a White Castle.

This shocking news is a lot for me to absorb. It may explain why, years ago, it took six months for me to find out the passenger door in my brown Chevy Nova didn’t even open.

I’m just putting on my eye makeup, honey!

Lamar, our fashion show is about to start. Did you find us a fresh supply of affordable runway models?

I did indeed, Boss, and they’re pretty nice, if you don’t mind having human genetic mutations show our haute couture to the world.

Human genetic mutations? Ewwwww, Lamar! What’s wrong with them? How bad is it?

Are you familiar with the cruel expression “four eyes,” Boss?

Whew. That’s a relief. Yes, Lamar, and I don’t mind having models who wear glasses.

Well Boss, what if people call ‘em “four eyes” and they don’t actually wear glasses?