Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Nine ways to lose weight and live forever
People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”
These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.
If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.
Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.
This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.
Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!
You feelin’ fertile, Myrtle?
Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help answer a question for me. Where do babies come from?
Er, uh, you should probably ask your parents about that.
They told me to ask you, then they went off to work in their haberdashery.
Oh. Well, when a a man and a woman love each other very much, they pick up the phone and order a delivery from the Sperm Bike, which pedals over with a gallon of baby-starter.
You mean sort of like the ice cream man?
Sort of, if the ice cream was stored in liquid nitrogen-cooled vacuum containers and delivered by a medical technician on a bike.
I humbly offer a haiku:
A sperm bank cyclist
Going on his daily rounds
From banks to clinics
O brothel, where art thou?
This is kind of a delicate subject, but we’re all adults here, so we’re cool.
The caption on these photos says these are prostitutes protesting against a police crackdown on brothels.
We are told the prostitutes and their pimps want to abolish anti-prostitution laws, which they say threaten their livelihood.
Let’s just put a pin in that aspect of it, the tragedy that pimps might have problems with their livelihood. Let’s move on to my main point here, which is that it looks to me like these women have bigger problems than that with earning a living.
The thing is, I’ve never been to a brothel. Go ahead and laugh if you want. But if I ever DID go to one and THIS was the scene that greeted me, I think I’d forget all thoughts of what brought me there in the first place.
I mean, how desperate does a guy have to be to say, “Oh, I’ll take the one in the whiteface with the grotesque lips. Yeah, that one that looks just like Mr. Bill!”
This just in, Arnold has a driveway!
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Blog Guy, I was stunned by the news that actor and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a member of his household staff.
We were all shocked, believe me. We expect more than that from people in entertainment and politics, don’t we?
But the stories about Arnold’s marital problems left me with unanswered questions. I’m wondering whether his home has a driveway.
I can help you with that one. Yes, there is a private drive to his home, and it looks like a pretty nice place.
Really? A nice place with a private drive? Not just a total dump, which is where you’d expect a big movie star and former governor to live?
Spinster, photo #2 DSK is pulling off his famous frog imitation. Or maybe it’s a toad, have to get a lady’s opinion.
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Honey, we need to talc…
Okay, the folks in these pictures are coverd in talcum powder from a traditional Powder Day festival in their Spanish village.
The caption tells us that festival participants “hurl talcum powder at each other until they are completely covered with it,” and that in the past, “young men used this game to seduce girls.”
Are you kidding me? That worked to seduce girls?
Hey, señorita! Look up here! Gotcha! Hope you enjoy this 50-pound bag of Johnson and Johnson’s all over you!
Oh Lonnie, you miscreant scalawag! You’ve ruined my brand-new Easter dress! It’s kind of a turn-on! Let’s go to a motel!
Great! Another successful talcum powder seduction!
@Unca, perhaps it was Dingus Sheen who supplied the goods?
The key to a great Valentine?
Blog Guy, I really need your help with a relationship problem. I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is stepping out on me.
Stepping out?
Yeah. You know what I mean…
Oh. Jeez, can’t you try one of our other blogs written by smarter people? Like Faithworld or Felix Salmon?
No. So anyway, here’s a photo of her new shoes, which she wore when she left the house yesterday.
Those are just very stylish. They don’t prove anything.
I cant help but notice that one of the locks is directly attached to a zip on the front of the outfit….
I have no idea what to make of it….
French kissing? Call ze Love Police!
Blog Guy, I need some travel advice. My wife and I want to go someplace really romantic, where folks are free to be very much in love. Any suggestions?
Of course. I’m an incurable romantic, too. I’d say Paris. City of lights, city of love…
Look at this photo above. A young couple, very much in love, and the urge to express their feelings hits them right in the middle of a busy street. It’s just like that romantic Beatles song.
No. “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?“
Anyway, you try doing that most places, and cars will just run right over you. Won’t even slow down. Don’t even get me started on what happens if you try it in downtown Hong Kong. But in Paris, the Love Police swoop in, stop traffic on a busy street, and let them enjoy the moment without being bothered.
Thanks for that info, CG.. and yeah, it has been a long time since I zapped ya… so, there ya go! No hard feelings!
You gals ready for somethin’ real goofy?
Blog Guy, I see you’re suddenly laughing. What have you got to be happy about? Come on, no fair holding back! Let us in on it, too.
Okay, I guess there’s plenty to go around. A few days ago, Chippendales – you know, those male exotic dancers – lost a trademark case on their bow tie and shirt cuff outfits.
You know, they’re known for those outfits like Playboy is for their bunny costumes.
So what? Am I missing something here?
Think about it. That means now you, me, and any other guy with a bow tie and some French cuffs can go out and dance to entertain women for money. Cha-ching!
So you think the bow tie and cuffs are pretty much all you need to entertain the ladies, Blog Guy?
Speaking of things that make guys go hippity hop, Mr. B. did you hear about the Paris Auto Show and how car companies are being more conservative with what their models wear? You definitely have to cover that hogwash of a story!!
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE68 T1X520100930
World’s ugliest shoes? Quite a feet!
Lamar, I put you in charge of creating our label’s signature new shoe for spring. Our competition is the Holy Grail of of shoes, the stiletto in the top photo. The stuff dreams are made of. Sleek, sensual, five straps, platform soles, 14-inch heels. Lusty Cherry Red!
Let’s see what you’ve come up with to blow that bad boy out of the water!
Here it is, Boss, on the right. Feast your eyes on the finest persimmon-colored vinyl! Just a single strap, instead of all those extra ones.
Our heels are only a quarter-inch thick, so a gal can walk further in them and save on bus fare. They’re so versatile they can even be worn with socks. No need to waste money on beach vacations or tanning salons.
And the best part? Because of the low heels, they’re unisex. Men AND women can wear the same shoes! What do you think?
Let me get this straight, Lamar. Your special lady is getting ready for a fairytale night out, and she says, “Honey, please bring me my Persimmon Vinyl Socialist Librarian Shoes, if you’re not wearing them yourself tonight.” Is that it?
Spin, nothing the military does is supposed to be ironic, it just turns out that way. As Unca says, the flip flops are for showering naked with a couple dozen other guys, some of whom have never showered before.
The army also took away my good prescription glasses at Basic Training and gave me a new pair that didn’t work at all which is how I shot two drill instructors, but that’s a story for another time….
Male models? Models of WHAT?
Blog Guy, my friends and I are guys who sincerely want the same thing most young men want.
Girls?
Exactly. But we have a problem. We’re not exactly George Clooney in the looks department, if you take my meaning.
How bad is it? Do chicks run away from you screaming?
Only the ones who see us coming. Anyway, we have grotesque haircuts, crazed eyes and look like we’re barely conscious… Some of us lack chins.
Wow. Are you as bad as Mickey Rourke?
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.
I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.