Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

But the chicks will be dressed in sexy outfits too, right?

You still don’t get it. It’s their bar, their rules. They’ll be wearing white lab coats and camouflage trousers.

And stiletto heels?

No, combat boots.

That sounds awful! Why would anybody subject themselves to disgusting treatment like that?

I dunno. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

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Medical officers review a conscript at a military training center, the biggest in the former Soviet Union, in the village of Oster, near Kiev, October 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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Blog Guy, what can you tell me about that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi guy, who seems to be involved in lots of controversy these days? Have you seen him speak in person?

He doesn’t give speeches. He does comedy shtick. He patterns his stage act after hip ’60s comics like Shelley Berman and Bob Newhart, with imagined telephone chats.

Awesome! Is he funny? “

He’s hilarious! Well, uh, actually I don’t speak Italian, but I guess he’s probably okay.

Ah. And what’s this stuff about Berlusconi’s scandals involving young women? Any truth to that?

I can’t say, but I do know that after I blogged this week about actor George Clooney’s rumored ability to get women just by gesturing what he wants, Berlusconi appeared to throw down the gauntlet, describing better-endowed chicks, as you can see in these photos below.

Thanks, but I’d rather see pictures of the chicks they got.

Sorry, this isn’t that kind of a blog.

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Upper left: Comedian Shelley Berman

Upper right: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi gestures during a right-wing youth party meeting in Rome, September 9, 2009.  REUTERS/Remo Casilli

Right: Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi gestures as he speaks during a news conference in Milan, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

Right: Actor George Clooney is escorted by police during his tour of earthquake-damaged areas in central Italy, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer

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People say to me, “Bob, where do you GET those danged bizarre photos you use?”

I comb our daily photo file, but the weirdest ones are served up to me on a silver platter, in an “Extreme Monthly” selection of shots hand-picked by some really twisted minds on our photo desk. Here are some caption snippets from their latest batch:

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders line up in the end zone… REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

The founder of a sex toy company uses a lighter to burn a rubber dildo to show her sales staff the quality of the product… REUTERS/David Gray

Hindu devotee gets his mouth pierced…

Reverend Jesse Jackson is symbolically crowned Prince Nana Aka Essoin… REUTERS/Luc Gnago

Military…experts inspect the body of a man killed outside a nightclub… handcuffed to a fence and shot…

A horse falls on its rider during a national sports competition…

Brawn GP Formula One driver Rubens Barrichello of Brazil drives in the pit lane with his engine on fire…

Here’s the thing. Despite years of reading “Extreme Monthly,” I still don’t quite get what they consider extreme. I do see that Jesse Jackson being crowned a prince next to a topless woman is a little odd, as is a devotee being harpooned like Moby Dick.

But it seems to me the cheerleaders photo above would be “extreme” only if you’re doing basic training with the Taliban and your drill sergeant catches you with it.

And then there’s the perplexing question of how an open flame shows the quality of a sex toy. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don’t even WANT to know the answer to that one!

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Blog Guy, you know where you can find really loose chicks?

Uh, no.

New York City. Yeah, it surprised me, too, but lots of those women in stiletto heels smoking outside office buildings aren’t as prim and proper as you might suspect.

That sure surprises me, but why are you bringing this up?

Because amid this wanton cesspool of harlots and floozies and doxies, I met two angels yesterday.

As I understand it, they were actresses working on a show about religious groups trying to lure bad men and convert them, called “Sects and the City.”

Here, I’m sending you some photos I took with my phone.

That’s real interesting, hayseed. Now don’t bother me again until you have Kim Cattrall saving somebody’s soul.

Sex and the City Slideshow

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Actresses Sarah Jessica Parker (L) and Cynthia Nixon filming the upcoming movie “Sex and the City 2″ in New York, September 4, 2009. REUTERS photos by Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the space program. How do those astronauts unwind after a tough day of space walking and stuff?

Are you stupid? You’ve never seen Battlestar Gallactica? They have a Space Bar up on the space station now.

Really! I’ve never seen that.

That’s because NASA tries to protect the image of its squeaky clean astronauts. But these new photos show Bartender Floyd mixing up drinks despite weightlessness.

Hold on. If there’s a bar in space, then they must also have pickup lines.

Sure. According to Floyd, here are the top five lines guys use on chicks up there:

5. So, you come here often?

4. You know, what happens in space stays in space…

3, Hi cutie, you look great! Have you lost some weight?

2, Why don’t you take off that helmet and oxygen tank and get comfy?

And the number one pickup line in space is still:

1, Hey baby, wanna join the 210-mile-high club?

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Finland’s Rauno Tiainen competes in the ‘flair’ discipline while preparing a Love Boat 1 cocktail during the 35th World Cocktail competition in Berlin, August 10, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter

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Hi, are you Liz? It’s me - Lamar - your Internet date!

So, at last we meet!. That’s quite an outfit, Liz. I guess you must have just come from some theatrical thing or something? Oh. You just came from the dentist, huh? Well…

I hope you like it here at Denny’s. Their country fried steak is… Excuse me, Liz, um, that little skull on your shoulder just said something to me.

I don’t know for sure, but it seemed like he said, “See you in hell, Lamar!”

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I’ve been… There it goes again! I’m sure he just said, “I will float your eyeballs in Grape Nehi!”

Okay, Liz, I just don’t think this is gonna work out, because that skull… What? Go back to your place and get comfortable? Well sure, I guess that little fella is kinda cute, after all!

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A model dressed as the Chinese fictional character White Bone Spirit participates in a graduation show at Mao Geping Image Design Art School in Beijing, July 28, 2009. REUTERS/Christina Hu

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Blog Guy, what is that actress Pamela Anderson up to these days?

It’s a sad story. Judging from new photos of her, she’s lost all control of her face muscles. Still, the Serbs were nice enough to put her on the cover of their Playboy magazine.

Well, sure. Who looks at faces in Playboy, if you take my meaning? What does the magazine translate to in Serbian, anyway?

Strangely, it’s called Playboy.

Amazing! What are the chances of that?

Plus, it looks from the cover like the phrase Fight Club is also the same in Serbian.

That means I could actually go to Serbia, get in a taxi and say, “I am a Playboy, take me to the Fight Club,” and they would understand me!

Yeah, but then there you’d be, at a Fight Club in Serbia. What would you say then?

I’d say, “Isn’t it sad about Pamela Anderson’s face?”

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Actress Pamela Anderson poses for photographers with a Serbian issue of Playboy magazine featuring her on the cover, in Montenegrin coastal town of Budva, July 15, 2009. REUTERS/Stevo Vasiljevic

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This brothel in Berlin has come up with a new marketing ploy in these tough economic times. It is offering a discount to patrons who arrive on bicycles.

I’m sorry, but this is funny. My first thought is, what a terribly risky thing to do, with the Tour de France currently going on.

I mean, those guys spend long, lonely days on bikes, and if they hear about this, one thing leads to another, and it’s “Pedal fast, we’re makin’ a detour, boys!”

My next thought was, how might some greedy guys actually be able to abuse this generous offer?

I close my eyes and picture thousands of German guys racing their cars with bike-racks on them to about a block from the brothel, then coasting just the last block on two wheels.

“Ach, big boy, you haff lots of stamina for someone who rode a bike all zee vay from Munich!”

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Above: Prostitutes pose in a brothel in Schoenfeld, Germany, April 15, 2009. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

Right: Riders during the ninth stage of the 96th Tour de France cycling race between Saint Gaudens and Tarbes, July 12, 2009. REUTERS/ Bogdan Cristel

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Blog Guy, my mom told me to ask you about the birds and the bees.

She WHAT?

She said you know a lot of stuff and you could explain it to me.

That’s quite a responsibility.  I checked yesterday’s photo file, which is where I get most of my information, and I think I can help you.

It turns out, bees land on sunflowers in California to gather pollen, and birds sit in nests in Belarus. Does that do it for you?

I thought it would be a little more interesting. After all, I am 26 years old!

Ah. In that case, be patient. I’m sure we’ll have some more shots of Victoria’s Secret models in the next few days.

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Above: A bee lands on a sunflower to gather pollen in Encinitas, California June 23, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake  

Left: A white-tailed eagle chick sits in its nest in a forest near the village of Tsemenitsa, Belarus, June 23, 2009.  REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

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They’ve just unveiled a prototype dress designed to light up when the wearer’s mobile telephone rings. As high-tech gadgets go, I just don’t see this one catching on.

Where to begin? Do you want folks to know how pathetically unpopular you are when you hang out with the gang and your dress doesn’t light up once?

And if your phone DOES ring a lot, do you want to endure the searing pain of a bunch of Sylvania lightbulbs burning into your flesh, just to announce each call?

Here what I see happening if this catches on.

Say you’re a trashy floozy having an affair with a married guy, and you agree to meet him at a crowded nightspot. But then his wife shows up with his phone and hits last number dialed, and you’re so busted, glow worm! Then there’s a screaming catfight, hair gets pulled, clothes get torn, beer bottles get broken…

Okay, so maybe the idea isn’t all bad.

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Tennis player Maria Sharapova with the light-up dress at a boutique in London June 17, 2009. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

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