They’ve just unveiled a prototype dress designed to light up when the wearer’s mobile telephone rings. As high-tech gadgets go, I just don’t see this one catching on.

Where to begin? Do you want folks to know how pathetically unpopular you are when you hang out with the gang and your dress doesn’t light up once?

And if your phone DOES ring a lot, do you want to endure the searing pain of a bunch of Sylvania lightbulbs burning into your flesh, just to announce each call?

Here what I see happening if this catches on.

Say you’re a trashy floozy having an affair with a married guy, and you agree to meet him at a crowded nightspot. But then his wife shows up with his phone and hits last number dialed, and you’re so busted, glow worm! Then there’s a screaming catfight, hair gets pulled, clothes get torn, beer bottles get broken…

Okay, so maybe the idea isn’t all bad.

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Tennis player Maria Sharapova with the light-up dress at a boutique in London June 17, 2009. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

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I’m doing a survey on media photo coverage of sports. May I ask a few questions?

Sure, if I can go ahead and watch my “Hogan’s Heroes” reruns while we talk.

Okay. How many shots did you move of the Hurricanes-Bruins game yesterday?

Let’s see. Looks like 30, 31… 32 shots!

Good. And the Rockets-Lakers game?

I find 20 from that one.

Okay, now football. What about the tryouts for the Lingerie Football League’s expansion team yesterday?

I count 17 shots.

Aha! So 32 shots for a hockey game but only 17 for lingerie football. How do you think that’s going to look in my survey?

Pretty bad, I guess. Can you PLEASE give us another chance to make it up? Look, here’s a slideshow of all 17 lingerie photos!

Well okay, but you’ll need to send me the high-resolution versions.

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Women participate in first day of tryouts for the Lingerie Football League’s expansion team the New York Majesty, in Freeport, New York, May 14, 2009. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

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Lots of guys have written in asking me how they should dress during a flu pandemic, if we have one.

“Bobby,” one of them said, “chicks will need my sweet lovin’ to get ‘em through this, so I have to stay alive and keep lookin’ hot.”

Now, I’m pretty sure it isn’t even possible to kill guys that obnoxious, but I guess it’s smart of them to plan ahead.

To be honest, these masks may be a boon for you dudes with disgusting herpes or train-stopping bad breath. This could be your lucky day.

So check out what designers are offering to help you send a subtle message: “Hey cutie, remember you said to come back if I was the last man on Earth?”

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Models present creations by Stand house design at the final day of the Rosemount Fashion Festival in central Sydney May 1, 2009. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

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Okay Lonnie, this is a disaster and I have only my stupid self to blame!

I planned for DAYS to hit this hot singles spot for some action, and I invited you to meet me here to help me pick up gorgeous chicks. You know, introduce me, say good stuff about me and so on.

See, when I asked you to be my WINGMAN, that’s what I meant! I didn’t want you to show up bare-chested, with fricking WINGS on your back like an escapee from a cheesy Nativity scene at some male models’ Christmas party!

So now, here we are. You look like Icarus with too much ick!

What did you say? You know a great singles bar where the hot ANGELS hang out? Well that’s different, Lon! Fly us on over there!

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Models present creations with angel wings by Romanian designer Rita Muresan during Bucharest Fashion Week, April 28, 2009. REUTERS photos by Bogdan Cristel.

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Blog Guy, I heard the Italians are pioneering new treatment for coma patients. Do you know about this?

Yes, I think you’re talking about the one where beautiful Italian women wearing next to nothing move sensuously around patients in a last-ditch attempt to awaken them.

Interesting. what sort of success rate do they have?

Uh, it says here that for female patients, the treatment has done absolutely nothing.

That’s too bad. And what about for male patients?

It seems the success rate is 98 percent. It has even worked on a few dead guys.

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A dancer performs in front of Jose Mourinho, Portuguese soccer coach, during the taping of the television program “Chiambretti Night” in Milan, April 1, 2009. REUTERS photos by Paolo Bona

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Earlier this week I did an item about a hot new fashion trend, dresses that leave one you-know-what exposed, so a woman has to cover it with her hand. I pointed out many flaws in this design, like if you’re left-handed it’s hard to take notes in algebra class and stuff like that.

But some readers were like, “Bob, that’s just one dress, it’s not a trend, so shut up.”

Well skeptics, you heard it here first. Behold a similar creation from a fashion show yesterday, in MIAMI! Unless this model is just wearing her dress backwards, the trend has arrived on our shores and we have to accept it.

Women, I guess it’s time to get out ahead of the curve, so to speak, and start practicing. Take one of  your old dresses and some scissors, do your own design, and wear it out to a restaurant this weekend. If anybody objects, send them to my blog.

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A model displays a creation designed by Kimya Glasgow on the first day of Miami Fashion Week in Florida March 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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This is THE hot new look in women’s fashion, but I see flaws. I sent my Oddly Enough Consumer Team out to test this dress, and here are some of their comments:

• It’s uncomfortable when you put ice cubes in a drink and then put your hand back
• Hailing a taxi is tricky, but usually successful
• Tough for left-handed chicks to dial their cellphone
• It’s so awkward when Grandpa asks you to help move his sofa
• On a date, much confusion over whether a guy made it to first or second base

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A model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Andre Tan during fashion week in Kiev March 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Gleb Garanich

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Blog Guy, I was recently in Bolivia, at a little restaurant on the outskirts of La Paz, and I had a WONDERFUL soup called “caldo de cardan.” ! really felt great afterwards and it even cured my hangover!

Say no more. Brown stuff in white gravy?

That’s it! What’s that yum-yum stuff in it?

Boiled bull’s penis and testicles. You find it in restaurants located near slaughterhouses. Use Yahoo Yellow Pages to find the nearest shop where you can buy the ingredients.

Are you kidding me! Aggghhh! How can I keep that from ever happening again?

Just order a handy copy of “Bob’s List of Words to Avoid on a Menu.” It’s in 74 languages, including English: Brussels sprouts, haggis, poutine, rat meat, rutabega, scorpion, testicles, etc.

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Above: A waiter at a restaurant selling the popular dish “caldo de cardan”, made from boiled bull’s penis and testicles, February 2, 2009. It is considered an energy booster and sought after by people suffering from anemia, hangovers and sexual impotency.

Below: A cook pours broth on a slab of bull’s testicles.

REUTERS photos by David Mercado

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We may already have the weirdest ODD story of the year, and it’s only January 7

It turns out some guy has been breaking into adult shops, stealing blow-up dolls named “Jungle Jane,” and having sex with them. He’s done it three times so far.

When he’s finished he leaves the dolls in a nearby alley, apparently without even fixing breakfast or exchanging numbers or anything.

What amazes me about this story is, well, everything. But I’m mostly surprised that the police haven’t caught the dude yet.

Couldn’t they just put some “Jungle Janes” in the windows of other sex shops, but secretly put permanent super-bonding industrial glue around the blow-up valve? After that, it should be really easy to spot the culprit. Why am I the only one who can solve this?

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Above: Heads for sex dolls are displayed at an Adult Entertainment Expo in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Steve Marcus

Below: Sex dolls are displayed at Orient Industry’s showroom in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Michael Caronna

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New research has found that teens who skip breakfast as middle school students tend to have sex at an earlier age than those who start the day with a proper meal.

You may want to read that sentence again. I don’t blame you.

Exactly how some scientist even THOUGHT to look into this is way beyond me, and I’m not sure what to make of it.

Is it that these students skip breakfast and have sex instead? Despite what advertisers tell us, is the “Breakfast of Champions” really something other than Wheaties?

One thing is certain from these findings. Parents, if you want GOOD kids, you need to ensure they eat breakfast, no matter what.

And don’t just take their word for it. You sit them in front of the TV and WATCH them stuff that Egg McMuffin into their cake hole! It’s just good parenting!

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Above: Barack Obama eats breakfast during the presidential campaign. REUTERS/Jason Cohn

Below: Players of Japanese national soccer team buy breakfast at a Paris train station in 2003 file photo.
REUTERS/Xavier Lhospice

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