You’ve probably noticed that along with coffee, your local Starbucks is now selling CDs, books, medical equipment and automotive parts.

What does this retail giant have in store for us next? Well, Bucks just unveiled its new line of women’s clothes at Milan Fashion Week. Soon, chicks will be able to wardrobe-up from head to toe while ordering their caffeine fix.

Now I guess the same clown that messes up your coffee order will sell you shoes, dresses, etc., all carefully designed to look good while holding a cardboard cup holder. Warning: if you want a small dress, you need to ask for a “large.”

“I’ll take the cobalt blue cocktail dress, the indigo sweater and the sunglasses, please.”

“Sure. Would you like a pastry with that?”

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A model presents a creation by Canadian designers DSquared2 at their Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection show at Milan Fashion Week, March 2, 2009. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

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Confidential memo to fashion show staff:

It’s no secret that Fashion Week has gotten too tame. There’s no surprise or drama anymore.

We aim to change that, starting now. You all have your assignments.

Kelli, you’re spreading splotches of Vaseline on the runway, right?

Lonnie, it’s your job to stretch a thin wire across the runway at ankle-level.

Stephanie, if the stiletto heels on some of those shoes are loosened, I’ll look the other way, if you take my meaning.

Earl, you need to be nearby with a snow shovel. If some of the models don’t get back up, push ‘em off as fast as you can. And Earl, watch out for that Vaseline!

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Models slip and fall while presenting creations from the Herve Ledger by Max Azria Fall 2009 collection during New York Fashion Week February 15, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Eric Thayer

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Has this ever happened to you?

You’re walking along in your high-top running shoes heading for the basketball court, when suddenly there’s a BEACH!

The tide is coming in. You’re going to have totally soaked footwear for the game, unless you’re wearing MODULAR SHOES!

That’s right, with these new space-age shoes, zip-zip and your high-tops become flip-flops!

With this stylish, versatile product, boat shoes turn to jungle boots instantly! Rubber sandals become stiletto pumps! Loafers turn to cowboy boots!

Thanks to 40 pounds of zippers embedded in the design, you now only need ONE pair of shoes, for life!

Call now, and get these attractive steak knives as a bonus…

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A modular shoe is displayed at the “Bread & Butter” fashion trade show in Barcelona January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Okay, design staff, we’ve got a huge honking problem with the fashion show! Our market research shows everybody thinks our new shoes suck!

This stuns me. You take our quilted red shoe, called “Sofa.” It turns out women aren’t so eager to be associated with a large overstuffed piece of furniture.

The same is true of our new “Gun” shoe and our “Tsing Ma Bridge” shoe. Who would have thought firearms and long suspension bridges would be a fashion turn-off?

So anyway, we decided to save money by only making ONE of each shoe, instead of a pair. The models can either HOP down the runway on one foot, or else just carry the damned things.

After the show, we’ll sell the single shoes to One-Footed Women with Bad Fashion Sense. Emily, can you Google to find a contact for that group?

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Model displays “Sofa” in the annual Footwear Design Competition Awards, during Hong Kong Fashion Week for Fall/Winter 2009 January 13, 2009.

Model displays “Gun” shoe.

Model displays “Tsing Ma Bridge” shoe.

REUTERS photos by Bobby Yip

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Okay, fashion design staffers, there’s a recession on. We have to find a way to squeeze more money out of teenage girls, because they’ll buy ANYTHING!

Pay attention. We’re telling them the cool new look is those silly hats bullfighters wear. Yes, I’m serious. Now, Lenny has come up with some goofy, hideous dresses that will sell like hotcakes.

But here’s the best part. This is what makes me a certified genius! We tell them the new trend in footwear is to wear two DIFFERENT shoes! That means every girl has to buy TWO pairs just to get ONE pair! Twice as much money for us!

Okay, Emma, send in those six chicks from the mall, and let’s see if there’s ANYTHING they won’t put on!

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Spanish bullfighter Julian Lopez Escober in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Eloy Alonso

Models present the latest creations for teenagers by Indonesian fashion designer Lenny Agustine in Jakarta, December 3, 2008. REUTERS/Dadang Tri

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Blog Guy, I don’t know what to get my girlfriend for Christmas. Any suggestions?

Sure. How about buying her a Flagship?

A what?

Well, I just saw some photos that said Victoria’s Secret opened a new “Flagship store.” Judging from this picture, I gather a Flagship is a large pair of scissors.

You’re an idiot! Why would my girlfriend want scissors big enough to cut through solid steel?

Just for the shear enjoyment? Hang on, I did some more research and it turns out a Flagship is a red dress…

You researched nothing! How do  you know Flagships aren’t a brand of shoes with stiletto heels?

I think you’re right! I hope your girlfriend enjoys her shoes. I’m going to write a Flagship article for Wikipedia now.

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Victoria’s Secret models pose for photographers at the opening of the new Victoria’s Secret flagship store in New York City, December 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Mike Segar

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Recently, I ranted here about the sad state of today’s political protesters.

And now, more evidence that protest isn’t what it used to be. Note this caption informing us that these protesters are throwing “cobblestones, Molotov cocktails and shoes” at riot police.

Shoes? Sure enough, the street is littered with footwear. So, let’s see. We have cobblestone streets, which are hard to walk on, we have broken glass and flames from the Molotovs, and protesters creeping over that stuff BAREFOOT because they hurled their Pumas!

Gosh, I can’t imagine how the cops are going to identify the culprits. “ATTENTION! Will every foot surgeon in Budapest please report to Hungarian General Hospital? Take your time.”

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Far-right anti-government protesters throw cobblestones, Molotov cocktails and shoes at Hungarian riot police in Budapest, on September 20, 2008. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, a couple of days ago you showed pictures of Sarah Palin’s shoes, and said that was an important part of covering prominent women. That was just a joke, right?

Uh, sure, if you want it to be. On the other hand, this photo here shows Sarah Palin’s shoes at a campaign appearance in Colorado yesterday, and below you can see three different pairs of former candidate Hillary Clinton’s shoes from her campaign for the nomination.

But these women were making history!

You bet, and someday one of those pairs of shoes just might be on our dollar bills! Gives you goosebumps, doesn’t it?

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above: Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin shoes are seen as she speaks in Golden, Colorado September 15, 2008. REUTERS/Rick Wilking

below: Hillary Clinton’s shoes, REUTERS Photos by Eric Thayer and Brian Snyder.

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Blog Guy, I’ve seen some recent pictures of Sarah Palin’s shoes. My impression is that readers are very interested in the shoes of important women. Do you agree?

You’re so right! When people hear about a woman in a prominent position, the first thing they always ask is, ”What about her shoes?”

Shoe coverage is an important sub-specialty in journalism. For example, France’s first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. As you can see in this photo combo, we cover her shoes nearly as comprehensively as the rest of her.  

So, you mean you have photographers who specialize in shooting women’s shoes at a news event?

Of course. That’s their sole purpose, so to speak. 

And they work alone?

No, usually they team up with our handbag photographers.

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above: The shoes of Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain and his vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin as they stand at an event in Dayton, Ohio August 29, 2008. REUTERS/John Gress

below: REUTERS photos of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy by Stephen Hird, Darren Staples, Benoit Tessier, Yannis Behrakis

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I know everybody is influenced by everybody else in the fashion industry, but… Our photo caption on this Fashion Week shot from Milan calls this a Versace “creation.”

Pardon me? I believe this form of footwear has been around since folks were numbering their years with BC instead of AD. Sandals were not  created for some Milan fashion show.

So despite countless ancient marble statues showing Greeks and Romans wearing leather flip-flops,  we’re supposed to think some Versace designer just woke up one recent morning and said, “Whoa! I’ve got SUCH an idea for shoes! Leather soles and straps! It’s so much better than loafers or pumps!”

Oh sure. And this is 2008 BC and I’m off to kill some big dude with my slingshot.

Designer Donatella Versace in April, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Theiler

A model displays a creation as part of Versace Spring/ Summer 2009 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2008. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

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