Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Where in the world is Paris Hilton?
Blog Guy, I’m worried sick! It’s been four days since we left Paris Hilton promoting her shoes in Istanbul, and we’ve heard nothing from her. I’m going to start checking the hospitals.
I’m sorry, I should have told your earlier. She’s fine, she’s just in India now, promoting her new line of handbags and accessories. Here she is, above, at a news conference.
Whew! That’s quite a relief. What with her being one of the 10 most hated people in America, I fear for her safety.
I guess maybe she’s going overseas a lot these days so folks in other countries can learn to feel the same about her.
Does she seem okay to you? Did she do all her poses? The vacuous smile, the peace sign, the peering over her sunglasses?
She sure did.
Then, with flames licking at her heels…
Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.
Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.
It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”
Those things look like a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado, Lamar. And not in a good way.
The dorsal fins help stabilize a chick when she’s running for meetings, Boss, and the flames actually light up as she runs!
Why would you want that, Lamar?
*SPOILER WARNING*
Fast and Furious 6 will be featuring women in these shoes, both modding and driving the cars…
Classic Scenes:
Macho Guy: “You should stick that shoe to the passenger door. Would make a cool sticker.”
Lady in shoes: “Or, I could stick it up your and give you heartburn…”
Two guys, commenting on a lady driving whilst wearing these shoes.
Guy 1: “wooh, she’s burning rubber for good here…”
Guy 2: “…and by the looks of those shoes, she’s probably burning her throttle pedal as well…”
Paris, couldn’t ya just wear gloves?
Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?
What did I do this time, Boss?
I sent you to cover that Paris Hilton event where she’s pushing her line of shoes, but I told you NOT to make it look like free publicity. You know, it has to seem newsworthy.
After all, she is one of the 10 most hated people in America, AND she’s just trying to sell shoes.
It was tough, Boss. Every time I pointed my camera she held up a shoe and smiled, or crossed her long legs so her shoes were in the shot. I mean, normal people don’t just smile and hold up shoes, do they?
That’s a good point, Johnson. Maybe we can go for a tragic human interest angle here. You know, we’ll say she’s deranged.
If Lego made shoes for women…
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Lamar, you said you had a hot new fashion design to show me. I’m skeptical after that nutty lingerie thing a few days ago, but I’m listening.
Here it is, boss, behold the future!
This is just a pile of crap, Lamar. Plastic lumps and rubber bands and stuff.
To the untrained eye, sure. But it’s actually a flexible modular shoe design which allows a woman to make 256 different footwear combinations!
Two hundred and fifty-six combinations, all of them hideous?
It does take some getting used to, but look. We can do stilettos, sandals, flats, pumps, fuzzy slippers, thigh boots, golf shoes, snowshoes…
So, now you don’t have to hit someone with your stillettos, or throw them…you can swing them as a flail or launch them like a swingshot.
Let’s hear it for improvements in women’s self-defense!
==RED
How’d you make out with that socialite?
Johnson, get your butt into my office! Did you shoot those Paris Hilton events?
I sure did, Boss, I just got back.
So? Fill me in. Was it newsworthy?
I dunno. She mostly just made out with some guy.
Wait a minute, Johnson. She called the press in to watch her make out?
Yeah, I thought it was kind of nervy of her. He didn’t even try for second base.
Going out on a limb for readers?
Blog Guy, are you still doing those fantasy shots for your blog readers?
Yes, if they are interesting and have some artistic value. What are you looking for?
I’d like a shot of eight or nine chicks with long, shapely legs to die for, wearing stiletto heels.
Are you out of your mind? This isn’t that kind of blog! There would be no news justification whatsoever for a shot like that.
Oh. Well, what would it take, then?
Minimum, I’ll need to have a race car in the shot, to show reflections off the polished chassis and the intricate tire tread patterns. Then it would be artistic.
So cool. I was referring to the virgin car! 
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Vietnam transfer
Welcome to our model town…
(to the tune of Petula Clark’s “Downtown“)
When you want lookers But you can’t afford hookers Here’s the place to go, Gown Town
You’ll be a hero ‘Cause they’re all a Size Zero If you find them in, Gown Town…
Lamar, come into my office…
Yeah, Boss?
We seem to have a REALLY beautiful crop of models for the fashion show today, and I don’t see anything wrong with them. Where did you find them?
@Unca, ha ha ha..swizzle sticks! 
The ankle bracelets serve a dual purpose. Not only are they tracking devices but they are supports to prevent their brittle ankles from snapping.
The key to a great Valentine?
Blog Guy, I really need your help with a relationship problem. I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is stepping out on me.
Stepping out?
Yeah. You know what I mean…
Oh. Jeez, can’t you try one of our other blogs written by smarter people? Like Faithworld or Felix Salmon?
No. So anyway, here’s a photo of her new shoes, which she wore when she left the house yesterday.
Those are just very stylish. They don’t prove anything.
I cant help but notice that one of the locks is directly attached to a zip on the front of the outfit….
I have no idea what to make of it….
Those are some pretty big shoes to fill
Blog Guy, you’re obviously a very cosmopolitan dude, a citizen of the world, right?
Well, growing up in Indianapolis we supposedly had some Belgians living on our block, although I never actually saw them.
I guess that will do. I heard a rumor that people in Brazil never wear shoes, and I wanted to check that out.
You mean during Carnival? Because if you were paying attention, I covered that this week.
No, I mean in general. Like I heard even the top leaders go barefoot all the time.
That just isn’t true. To help dispel groundless rumors like this, we take shoe shots at every major international meeting.
We had a play in college we called the “Statutory of Libertine”!
Look chic when it’s a jungle out there!
Blog Guy, I’m a woman who likes to look her best at all times. I have an irrational fear of being caught out in the jungle, without my luggage, and no way to accessorize my outfit.
My psychiatrist said you might be able to do something.
Yes, help is available. Many women share this fear. You are not alone.
I strongly recommend a six-week jungle survival fashion course, called “Going Rogue, But Staying Vogue.”
When you graduate from this character-building exercise, you’ll be able to go into a dense jungle half-naked, and come out looking great.
You’ll make stunning hats from sticks and twigs, and you will learn to fashion a purse from a mud dauber nest of live wasps, as seen above.
Now you are thinking like those fashion designers, Spin… get outta that place!!!
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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@Nosmo, “But these Giant Panda cubs, napping peacefully in their nursery, have a far more important role to play.”
Dude I got chills.
I can’t read this blog until those pictures of Paris Hilton recieve the proper application of the MS Paint rectangles. Those photos are much more damaging than beer babe cleavage.