Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
So it’s the nudes vs. the dorks?
Blog Guy, I’m looking to join a rugby team. I saw your item about Naked Rugby, but I seem to recall there are two different kinds of rugby. Is that right?
Sure. There’s the Stark Naked Rugby, and then there’s the Traditional Old-Fashioned Rugby.
Right! Traditional Old-Fashioned, that’s the one I want. I’m in! Tell me about it.
Well, you smoke a pipe and wear a top hat and frock coat, and zip around on your Segway, as you…
Wait a minute, Blog Guy. If this is Traditional Old-Fashioned Rugby, what are they doing on Segways?
Oh, they use older Segways, not the brand-new models.
It’s just like in the disaster movies!
Boss, can you hear me? It’s me, Johnson! Oh, it’s still night-time in LA? Sorry to wake you up, but I’ve got great news!
You remember you sent me to scout around for the next big “King Kong” sort of movie?
Well, I’m here in the Philippines, of all places…. They’ve “captured” this huge honking 21-foot-long crocodile which has already attacked several people.
Get some film crews out here right away, Boss, I have a feeling this one is gonna pop soon. I’m watching ‘em right now, moving the “captured” croc.
The team leader couldn’t be bothered to stop smoking long enough for the historic photo, but then in fairness, lung cancer is going to be the least of his problems. He’s about to drop ashes on the croc’s hood.
The “guard” with a rifle is zoned out, trying to remember the third verse to “MacArthur Park…” The Croc Mover they’re using is made of logs, and was state-of-the-art in the 12th century. Its axle is about to break, and the croc is tied down with flimsy knots that look like some Boy Scouts lost interest and went off to make s’mores.
a humble haiku
prehistoric dile
personnel dazed & confused
what a croc of sh**
So what’s the worst that could happen?
Sarge, if it’s okay with you, I’m gonna take a little cigarette break.
Okay Lonnie, there’s not much goin’ on here right now. Say, are you just gonna stand that rocket-propelled grenade up on end like that?
Yeah Sarge, that’s how I like to do it. You know, stand it up so in case it goes off by accident there’s still a chance of bringing down a plane.
I see. Hey Lon, if that’s the case, can you move over another 200 yards to our special Standing RPG Cigarette Break section?
Over here, Sarge?
Little farther, Lon! Okay, that’s good. You know, if it topples over, it could take out that filling station over yonder. Or maybe it could fall in your own direction…
You have something on your…oh, never mind!
Blog Guy, I need your advice on my dating life. I’ve tried everything, but can’t seem to get guys to notice me.
Smoking? Gosh, so many people do that, nobody would even care if I did it.
No, not smoking. Have you tried jamming the tobacco right up your nose? That’s a very chic, very sophisticated look.
How much would I have to stuff up there?
A lot. Tobacco sniffing isn’t for weenies. I would suggest five pounds.
Forgot everything and get ready for a journey. Through travelling you can meet different type of human being. This help you to learn how to impress guys. So hire a car and start your journey.
Sumimohan
What could be insaner than to smoke like Speaker Boehner?
Quick quiz: Speaker of the House John Boehner is puffing on a cigarette…
b) in Ohio or someplace like that.
c) in an airplane lavatory after invoking his Congressional Smoke Detector Disabling Privileges.
d) at a White House picnic.
You’re not going to believe this, but he is indeed at a White House family picnic, complete with foot-long hot dogs, a pie-throwing contest, and impressionable children.
Skeres, you know what I will have to do…
You could have left it off at “BAY-ner”…
zapppppppppppppp!
The prestigious Zippo Award goes to…
Blog Guy, why don’t you actually go to Cannes to cover that annual Film Festival?
Oh, I don’t smoke.
From the looks of our coverage every year Cannes is just one big ashtray, a throwback to the 1950s when nobody worried much about lungs.
And it’s not just that they smoke, it’s WHERE they smoke. Check out these photo captions. Lighting up during a news conference? Puffing away on the red carpet and during photo calls?
Really? You can’t go two minutes without smoking while the world press takes your picture?
Well gee now that you fixed it my comment makes no sense!
Oh wait…well played Mr. B. well played.
Call it a tokin’ effort?
Lamar, get in my office! Are you the one who approved the permit for those people to hold a huge Global Marijuana March in the streets here over the weekend?
Aren’t you aware that some folks blame marijuana for things like difficulty in concentrating, slowed reaction time and altered time perception? I can’t believe you let them march!
Wait. What did you ask me, Boss?
Lamar! I asked if you were the one who…
I’ll be right there, Boss.
You ARE here, Lamar. Is this your signature?
When I woke up this morning, things were lookin’ bad
Seem like total silence was the only friend I had
Bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down… and won
And it was twelve o’clock before I realized
That I was havin’ .. no fun
Last time I checked my bankroll,
It was gettin’ thin
Sometimes it seems like the bottom
Is the only place I’ve been
I chased a rainbow down a one-way street… dead end
And all my friends turned out to be insurance salesmen
But fortunately, I have the key, to escape reality
And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
It don’t cost very much, but it lasts a long while
Won’t you please tell the man I didn’t kill anyone
No, I’m just tryin’ to have me some fun
Zig zag, polly wolly wiggum woo
Hey diddle daddle twenty three skidoo
(with apologies to John Prine)
No no no, I’m a rocket man…
Okay troops, listen up!
Some of you are new to using different kinds of rockets, so they’ve asked me, a Professor of Grenadery, to teach you some things.
Hey private! You wanna stop using your rocket to pound in that tent stake and come over here?
Now first you should know that…
Yo buddy! In the brown jacket! Do you REALLY want that RPG resting against your cheek? They CAN go off by accident, you know.
And that guy next to you. Why am I SO sure he’s gonna stub his burning cigarette out on the grenade he’s holding? This is gonna be fun to watch…
wow, Unca! So when is Nosmo going to be there? What will he be doing? With a whole box of signs, I’m guessing he has a new business. Is the GFM&DS opening a second location? And Baz is promoting Nosmo to management?
The cigarettes are in the cabinet?
Quick quiz: The politician puffing away in this photo is…
a) Going to be grounded if her mom catches her smoking again…
b) Not likely to be the first stop on “Take Your Child to Parliament Day”
c) The star of a one-woman stage tribute to legendary musician Roy Orbison
d) A senior Canadian cabinet minister
Congratulations if you guessed d). She is the International Cooperation Minister for Canada. Really.
A magazine which, as we know, has changed its name…
http://blogs.reuters.com/oddly-enough/20 10/01/13/honey-did-my-beaver-come-in-the -mail/
When celebrities cut their own hair…
Blog Guy, I’m tired of striking out with the chicks. What do those big Hollywood stars have that I don’t have? Can you let us in on some of their secrets?
Sorry, I’m not supposed to reveal any of them.
Come on. It’s not like anybody else will see it here in your blog.
Okay. It’s mostly their hair. You take a big star like Sean Penn, he pays fifteen, maybe twenty bucks for a haircut, plus a tip.
Twenty bucks? No!
Yeah, plus the big stars have folk in their entourage that do nothing but make sure they look good in public.
DIY haircuts are a bad thing? Rubbish. I’ll hand the scissors to someone else.
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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Hmm…Shra..given the presence of a moustache, one could say he’s playing Fuhrer too…