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News, but not the serious kind

October 30th, 2009

Another reason not to smoke?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Continuing on with today’s theme of curious responses by onlookers who are present at a crime scene…

Maybe you’ve already seen our video of a mafia-style hit on a guy with a mafia criminal record. It’s pretty strong stuff, and also fairly surprising.

A guy is smoking a cigarette outside a bar, a dude in a baseball cap walks into the bar, then comes out and kills cigarette guy with several shots.

Meanwhile, a woman checking out her scratch-off lottery ticket just keeps on doing that, then walks away. Even the hitman just walks off.

For those of us trained in human behavior, this raises a number of questions:

  • This new get-tough initiative on smokers, is it working?
  • Why are baseball fans suddenly turning so violent?
  • Are lottery officials allowed to use this footage in an ad campaign along the lines of, “Hold the noise down boys, I think I won the lottery!”

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June 27th, 2009

Don’t trip on the gun at the altar…

Posted by: Robert Basler

I’ve blogged before about Saint Death, this grinning skeletal figure who isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, but is revered by drug traffickers and other criminal scumbags.

I get a kick out of this guy, because I don’t begin to see how he fits in with regular theology. I noticed this photo when soldiers in Mexico seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine. According to the caption this is an “altar to venerate Saint Death.”

Looking at the AR-15 rifle leaning against the thing, I’m thinking they meant “ventilate” instead of venerate.

Anyway, note the statues of the saint and the large work of art. The caption doesn’t say, but I’m hoping and praying the artwork is made of velvet. It just seems right.

To get scholarly for a moment, the blown up section shows Death is smoking a joint, something you rarely see in religious art apart from Saint Jerry Garcia. He is also waving a scythe, similar to the one Saint Happy New Year! carries.

Finally, in big gold lettering on the frame we see SANTA MUERTE, which I believe translates to “Maybe we should have chosen another frickin’ career.”

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An AR-15 rifle is seen at the base of an altar to venerate Saint Death, inside a house seized by the army during an operation in Monterrey, northern Mexico June 23, 2009. The army seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine during an operation early Tuesday. One man was detained and three more escaped, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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May 27th, 2009

Nurse, bring me a scalpel and an ashtray

Posted by: Robert Basler

Some radical news from Beijing. China is going to ban smoking in all hospitals. What a concept, preventing smoking in a building filled with sick people, many of them already seriously ill from smoking.

Mind you, they’re not going to ban it until 2011. I guess it takes a while to print out some “NO SMOKING” signs and Scotch-tape them to the walls or whatever.

Or maybe the long delay is to allow heavy smokers who are planning elective surgery to go ahead and get it out of the way while they can still enjoy their stay.

To answer some of the questions that will arise from this news, yes, it is my understanding that the ban will include doctors performing operations and nurses in oxygen tents.

I believe it will even apply to patients undergoing lengthy surgery, even though they aren’t able to go outside for a cigarette break. I’m still checking to find out if it applies to children under six.

Smoking in China slideshow

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Above: A boy smokes a cigarette in Xiahe, western China’s Gansu province, in a 2006 photo. REUTERS/ Jason Lee

Right: Parents visit their sick child in a hospital in the rural village of Chao Jiang in southwest China’s Yunnan province, in a 2007 photo. REUTERS/Nir Elias

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May 18th, 2009

“You may now kiss the bride.” “No thanks.”

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I’m planning a June wedding and I’d like it to have a sophisticated feel. Are there any foreign wedding customs we might want to use?

Well, in Romania the brides all go sit out on the curb and smoke a butt together on the big day.

Ewwww. Why do they do that?

I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because more and more churches in Romania are becoming no-smoking.

Also, I believe there were some unpleasant accidents when brides tried smoking during the ceremony while they were veiled.

I think this is more of your crap. How do you know they’re sitting on a curb?

You’ve got me there. They could just be two very short brides. Yeah, that’s it. Watch for my upcoming Wikipedia piece, “The two-foot-tall Women of Romania.”

That’s better. I have to keep you honest.

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Women in wedding gowns smoke cigarettes under the shade during the “Bride Parade” in Bucharest May 17, 2009. The event gathered future and former brides under the slogan of, “Be a bride for one more day”. REUTERS/Radu Sigheti

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April 15th, 2009

Stay out, hon, I’m eatin’ scampi!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

But won’t my wife wonder about the garlic smell?

Sure. Just say an Italian restaurant opened next door.

But she’ll learn that isn’t true when she tries to make dinner reservations there.

Ah, so you’ve got a SMART wife, huh? Then say you added a garlic panic room for vampire attacks.

Perfect! I think she’ll fall for that.

Yeah, even the smart ones usually do.

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A vendor smokes as he sells garlic at a market in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, April 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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March 30th, 2009

Warning: smoking tobacco may be… Oh, never mind!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Confidential memo to Acme Tobacco Research and Development Team:

I think you guys have really come up with something great with your new product, Jumborettes.

Who wants to light up one cancer stick after another when you can have the nicotine equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Of course, our tests of the massive cigarettes in selected markets show we do have a few kinks to sort out:

  • Consumers need a wheelbarrow to haul a pack home.
  • Today’s carmakers are NOT in the mood to redesign dashboard lighters for these puppies.
  • Office workers will have to stand outside for a single eight-hour cigarette break before heading home at quitting time.
  • Some young teenagers aren’t strong enough to hold Jumborettes. Jumborette Juniors, anyone?

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Participants smoke tobacco during the longest tobacco rolling contest, in a week-long celebration of the Tobacco Festival in Candon city, north of Manila March 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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December 26th, 2008

Jolly old Saint Nicotine!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Honey, I’m running out to buy a Santa hat. I’ll be back in a few.

Wait, sweetie! Will you pick me up some cigarettes?

Come on. I don’t want to make TWO stops!

You don’t have to! That guy over at 8th and Main sells both things. It’s one-stop shopping.

You’re right! But I just remembered we also need chocolate chips and motor oil.

Oh, that would be the guy at 12th and MacArthur! Say hi for me!

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A Zimbabwean man sells cigarettes and Christmas hats on the streets of the capital Harare December 25, 2008. REUTERS/Philimon Bulawayo

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November 20th, 2008

What kind of a joint IS this?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, The Dutch take a very liberal approach to marijuana use. You can buy marijuana in coffee shops over there. How is that going for them?

Well, they’re having a “weed summit” this weekend to discuss that very thing. I got a copy of the working agenda. It’s still secret, so don’t share it with anybody:

8 a.m. Stop by a “coffee shop” for “breakfast.”

9 a.m. Try to remember what we’re doing here. Did anybody write it down?

9:15 a.m. Three-hour snack time.

1 p.m. to 2 p.m. Hold our ears and dance in those clunky wooden shoes we wear.

2 p.m. Try to decide if we live in The Netherlands or Holland or “That Dutch Place.”

3 p.m. to 5 p.m. Unless we can remember what we’re supposed to be doing, it’s back to the old “coffee shop.”

So you think the “weed summit” will be worthwhile, Blog Guy?

What summit?

Assorted joints at a coffee shop in the Dutch city of Bergen op Zoom. Dutch cities will exchange information at a “weed summit” in Almere, November 21, 2008. REUTERS/Jerry Lampen

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September 22nd, 2008

If it’s September, this must be Oktoberfest!

Posted by: Robert Basler

oktoberfest-2-0921-160.jpgBlog Guy, I saw a picture today from Oktoberfest in Germany. But it’s only September!

I believe it’s already October in Germany, because of the different time zones. So yes, they’ve started Oktoberfest, their world-famous festival of drinking, smoking and cleavage.

Sheesh, I guess the entire region must grind to a halt while they’re doing all that drinking and partying, right?

No, actually they’re also having elections. It must be strange to wake up all hung-over after election day, see all the empty mugs and ashtrays, and then scream, “WE VOTED FOR WHO?”

Oktoberfest Slideshow

oktoberfest-1-0921-360.jpg Oktoberfest in Munich September 20, 2008. Millions of beer drinkers from around the world will come to the Bavarian capital for the world’s biggest beer festival.

above: REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

below: REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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July 26th, 2008

Just pull the trigger - aiming is overrated!

Posted by: Robert Basler

militant-nigeria-crop-160.jpgTop Secret Memo: For 4,000 years, armies have worked to look fierce and frightening, for that extra psychological edge over the enemy in combat. The Spartans, the Vikings, the Goths…

After years of studying intimidation, we are ready to unveil our soldier of the future.

Note how he waves his fully-loaded assault weapon without even looking. Note how his eyes are covered with a ski cap, so you don’t know WHAT he’s going to shoot at. And note that he is smoking a jumbo joint the size of a Churchill cigar! 

Gentlemen, meet the new Spartan. You don’t want to be HIS enemy. Oh, and you sure don’t want to be the cashier at the first ice cream and cookie snack shop he comes to.

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militant-nigeria-360.jpgA militant holds his AK47 rifle as he smokes marijuana in the creeks of Nigeria’s volatile oil-rich Niger Delta in this July 18, 2008 picture. REUTERS/ George Esiri

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