Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

The key to a great Valentine?

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locks shoes 490

Blog Guy, I really need your help with a relationship problem. I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is stepping out on me.

fashion locks vertical 220Stepping out?

Yeah. You know what I mean…

Oh. Jeez, can’t you try one of our other blogs written by smarter people? Like Faithworld or Felix Salmon?

No. So anyway, here’s a photo of her new shoes, which she wore when she left the house yesterday.

Those are just very stylish. They don’t prove anything.

Yeah? It was 8 a.m. and she was going to the store for cigarettes.

Your girlfriend wears shoes like that AND she smokes? Sorry pal, you may really have a problem.

A great year to be a dumbass!

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PAKISTAN/

As you may have noticed, 2010 was quite a year for dumbasses.

It seems like they were everywhere. Celebrities, sports figures, politicians, and just regular dumbasses as well, the kind who might live next door to you.

dumbass sheen 240Until recently the victims of widespread discrimination, dumbasses now seem to be not only accepted, but even in vogue. Look at any “talking head” news show on TV.

How Blog Guy made the Naughty List

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USA/

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

night before smoke 220The stockings were waiting, but what do you think?

Santa decided to go for a drink!

“My life really sucks!” he told bartender Steve,

“It seems like I’m working on EACH Christmas Eve!

“My marriage is finished, my wife says I’m weird,

“She don’t understand me, she don’t like my beard!

“I think I’ll try freedom, I’ll give it a whirl!

“Perhaps I’ll end up with a cheerleader girl!

USA/“I’m totally serious! It isn’t a joke!

“I’ll tell you the best part, but I need a smoke!”

Then Santa went outside, now Dasher, now Dancer,

Too hammered to read the big warning of cancer,

The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath

His cheeks were like roses, his eyes all a-twinkle,

He lurched to the men’s room, and stopped for a tinkle

GERMANY/As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

He demanded another martini, dry

Then I heard him exclaim with his mouth like a potty,

“That fricking Blog Guy has been TERRIBLY naughty!

“I swear by my reindeer and each little hoofy,

“He’s been running photos of me that are goofy!

“I know who’s been good, and I know who has not,

“And on Christmas, that Blog Guy is opening squat!”

night before cheer 490

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Top: Participants in SantaCon Boston 2010, a gathering of people dressed as Santa going from bar to bar, drink at the Asgard Pub in Cambridge, Massachusetts, December 18, 2010. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Right: SantaCon participant smokes outside the Asgard Pub. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Left: SantaCon participant drinks a beer at the Asgard Pub. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Why I never leave home…

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melbourne cup 490

Blog Guy, don’t make any plans for tomorrow. I have tickets for us to go see…

melbourne women 320Let me stop you right there. Thanks, that’s very thoughtful, but I’ve already seen it.

Basket o’ Death claims another victim?

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Blog Guy, what’s the most common method of suicide in this country?

It varies according to sex. Women most often poison themselves, and men tend to watch several episodes of  “Glee,” back-to-back.

PAKISTAN/

That’s horrible! And what about in other countries?

Most commonly it’s the “Basket o’ Death.”

cigarette crop 240Yikes! How does that work?

I hate to go into much detail for fear of becoming one of those, you know, assisted death sites.

Ya want cuffs on those trousers?

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Welcome to a very mysterious installment of our popular feature, “Stuff Maybe We Should Have Mentioned in the Photo Caption, but didn’t.”

MOTORCYCLING-MOTOGP/The actual one-sentence caption for this photo identifies the subject as a “Rizla umbrella girl,” and says she is “posing” at some motorcycle race. That’s it, I swear.

Puff faster, I need to change your diaper

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Blog Guy, it’s Memorial Day! Isn’t that when you announce your coveted “Why Isn’t This Person in Jail Award?”

smoking baby 340Yes, what a good memory you have.

That’s a longstanding tradition in this blog that began way back, well, today… May I have the envelope please?

Get your butt off the red carpet!

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FILM-CANNES/

Blog Guy, please keep up the coverage of that Cannes Film Festival. We love it. I notice you have lots of red carpet shots, and I’m wondering what that particular spot signifies for the celebrities who are there.

FILM-CANNES/Ah, that’s a very good question.

The red carpet symbolizes the last place they can light up one more cigarette and have a few drags before going inside, where they may have to wait a number of minutes before they can light up again. Look, here comes actor Gerard Depardieu, who as you can see is something of a health nut.

This model walks into a bar, see…

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fashion vodka 490

Lamar, those fashion models are getting uppity. Oh, they’re so full of themselves, with their beauty and glamour, we need to take ‘em down a notch.

fashion smoke combo 280Gosh, how do we do that, Boss?

We lower their self-esteem.

Let’s put one of ‘em in lingerie and stiletto heels, send her out on the runway with a big bottle of vodka, and have her ad lib jokes until she’s flat on the floor. She won’t feel so high and mighty then!

Guess they’re SERIOUS about no-smoking here!

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Kelli, it’s me. Bob. Yeah, we’re still on that vacation you booked for us, but listen, we have a question.

We’re in, uh, Yemen. Just got here, but I’m not sure we’re at the right hotel. Can you go online right quick and tell me what it says about this place?