Top Secret Memo: For 4,000 years, armies have worked to look fierce and frightening, for that extra psychological edge over the enemy in combat. The Spartans, the Vikings, the Goths…

After years of studying intimidation, we are ready to unveil our soldier of the future.

Note how he waves his fully-loaded assault weapon without even looking. Note how his eyes are covered with a ski cap, so you don’t know WHAT he’s going to shoot at. And note that he is smoking a jumbo joint the size of a Churchill cigar! 

Gentlemen, meet the new Spartan. You don’t want to be HIS enemy. Oh, and you sure don’t want to be the cashier at the first ice cream and cookie snack shop he comes to.

Are you on Facebook? Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

A militant holds his AK47 rifle as he smokes marijuana in the creeks of Nigeria’s volatile oil-rich Niger Delta in this July 18, 2008 picture. REUTERS/ George Esiri

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Daddy, your little girl has big news! I’ve met Mr. Right, and after a whirlwind romance, we got married!

Ming is already in show business, sort of, but he plans to be either a TV news anchor or maybe a dermatologist. 

Now Daddy, I want you to keep an open mind about one little thing, because I know how you can be. So I’m just going to be up-front about his only imperfection, okay?

Well, here goes. Ming smokes. Whew! I feel better already!

More about  tattoos

Tattoo enthusiast Liu Ming smokes while taking a break from a tattoo session at a shop in Beijing July 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

More stuff from Oddly Enough

It may just be a cultural nuance, but our actual caption says this guy is performing at a festival in Sweden.

That seems an odd verb to use, because to me it just looks like he’s lighting a cigarette. That isn’t much of a performance. You can see that outside any office building.

I’m not saying this dude isn’t really good at it. Heck, he even has spare cigarettes in his hatband, so he must “perform” a lot. I’m just saying if Swedish fans are entertained by this, we have a lot of smokers we can send over for the next festival. I mean, if they’re still alive.

Related: Is this a runway, or Tobacco Road?

Pete Doherty of the Babyshambles performs at the Hultsfred festival in Sweden June 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Jessica Gow/ Scanpix

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Blog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Uh, you mean there are more?

Oh sure. That country has a canine gang war problem like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking about the Burger Kings of Hamburg, the Hot Dogs of Frankfurt, the Smelly Shi Tsus of Cologne, the Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden…

Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden? Now that’s just silly!

Yeah? I wouldn’t let a Barker hear you say that.

A French bulldog has a mock up of a cigar in its mouth as it sits in a toy car during a dog show in Dortmund, Germany, May 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Ina Fassbender

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Haute couture is my life, but I must admit I’m baffled at times.

For instance, the photo caption calls this “a creation,” but to me, it just looks like some chick having a butt. Is smoking a cigarette with black gloves and red lipstick the creative part, or what?

Was this lady supposed to stop and light up on the runway, because I have to say that will make fashion shows pretty tedious. Perhaps the designer should have looked for a slightly less addicted model?

I’m telling you right now, if I start seeing fetchingly attired models festooned with nicotine patches, that’s going to detract from the fashion show aesthetic. And once they start hacking up yellow phlegm on the audience, well, that’s a little more glamour than I can stand….           

A model displays a creation as part of DSquared2 Fall/Winter 2008/ 09 women’s show during Milan Fashion Week February 21, 2008. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Maybe you’ve seen this NASA shot from Mars, which has turned the blogosphere into a cosmic Where’s Waldo?

Many readers have asked for my take on this. Look, it’s very cold on Mars, or at least I think it is without really looking it up. So this guy, cold and alone, proves one thing to me: Some Martians are still smokers.

Come on, we all know the look of an office worker outside puffing while using a plastic lighter to revive feeling in frostbitten fingers. I’m sure that five minutes later he was back inside, flashing his tobacco-stained yellow Martian fangs and describing the odd vehicle that just drove by and snapped a picture of him. Pavithra George reports.

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

This is a photo of a restaurant owner in Germany who cut holes in his wall so patrons can stay indoors, but stick their head and arms outside to smoke. I see flaws.

Say you take a date. She has to act like she’s not connected to this headless, armless doofus bent over against the wall? Or if she does want to talk, she has to stand by your butt and shout like a nut job, or go out in the cold to face you, which makes you look like a pig. Honestly, there’s no dignity. You’re exposed to anyone who wants to a) steal your wallet or b) dangle sauerkraut from your nose and take your menthols.

But what concerns me most is that every child walking by is going to mistake this for a puppet show, and notice the characters are chain-smokers. “Mommy, why do all the Muppets have a cough?”

Restaurant owner Michael Windisch smokes through hole in the wall of his restaurant in Goslar, December 29, 2007. REUTERS/ Johannes Eisele

More stories from the Oddly Enough Blog

I just can’t wait to unwrap my birthday present! Oh. That wrapping paper is my present?

A fashion exhibit in Athens reminds us that there were times we wore clothes made from paper, and sometimes it was even considered stylish.

Paper garments aren’t for everybody. They’re probably unwise if you smoke or you’re prone to paper cuts, and it’s best to avoid paper swimsuits. Deborah Kyvrikosaios reports

Some guys in Amsterdam had planned to roll and smoke the world’s largest joint, but they cancelled at the last minute because they realized they might be breaking the law.

See, they had thought it would be legal to smoke a five-foot-long joint containing more than a pound of marijuana, if each person just brought a tiny amount and they put it all together, but that turned out not to be the case.

We have now read the small print and realize there could be problems, one of the organizers was quoted as saying after consulting Dutch drugs laws. 

A prohibition sign prohibiting marijuana smoking in public is seen in the district of De Baarsjes in Amsterdam February 2, 2006. REUTERS/Paul Vreeker

Faithful readers will recognize this as part of our “What’s missing from this photo caption?” series.  Because, you know, I’ve been a few places and I’ve never seen anybody smoke like this. 

Is the idea that he can smoke and gargle mouthwash at the same time?  Or maybe he doesn’t want his mom to smell tobacco on his breath?  Send us your suggestions via Post a Comment. 

A believer dressed as Gede the spirit of death smokes a cigarette at a cemetery in Port-au-Prince November 2, 2006. Haitians celebrating All Hallows visit cemeteries to pay respects to the dead in a two-day national holiday that offers food, alcohol and flowers to Baron Samdi, the guardian of the dead in Voodoo.  REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz