Blog Guy, you’ve been great about career advice, especially offering tips to help figure out if people may have chosen the wrong line of work. Keep it coming, please.

Sure. Are you leaving on a business trip? Take off your clothes, look in a full-length mirror and count the number of live python snakes you see taped to your body in stockings.

If it’s more than say, two or three, maybe you should be looking on monster.com for a new job.

Pythons?  What kind of imbecile would tape that many pythons to his body?

The Norwegian kind of imbecile. Customs officials stopped a guy with a tarantula in his bag, so they decided to give him the full body treatment. They found FOURTEEN pythons taped to him.

Yikes! I wonder why he didn’t go for 20?

Because that would have gotten in the way of the 10 lizards hidden in cans that were also taped to him.

Blog Guy, you like this story, don’t you? And if I know you, you’re holding back something that’s even better.

Well yes, there was a wonderful quote in one of the papers that covered the story.

An official was quoted as saying,  “Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion.”

Duh, I guess it would be! Well, here’s your problem right here, sir!

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Top left: A customs officer presents a live chameleon during a news conference in a 2007 file photo. Customs officers displayed various items and reptiles that had been confiscated while being illegally smuggled into Germany. REUTERS/Alex Grimm

Top right: Australian native geckos concealed in a hollowed out book which were seized by Customs officials are seen in a 2008 photo. REUTERS/Australian Customs/Handout

Right: A zookeeper measures a royal python during animal stock-taking at the Zoo in Hanover, Germany, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Fabrizio Bensch (GERMANY)

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You’re not going to believe this. The guy in the photo below, according to our caption, is a snake oil salesman.

That’s right. The very phrase synonymous with hooey, bunkum, hogwash, and still he’s making a living at it in Myanmar. Don’t they have thesauruses over there?

I personally like to imagine that he even has business cards saying, like, “Lonnie Johnson, Snake Oil Salesman Extraordinaire!”

“Joey, our snakes have been squeaky lately. Run up the street to Lonnie’s blanket and buy a worthless preparation, please.”

“Oh Ma, isn’t there someplace else we can get a quack remedy?”

“No young man, Lonnie has the best worthless preparations in all Yangon. That’s why he has his own blanket!”

“Okay, Ma. Can I get some magic beans, too?”

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A man displays snakes while selling snake oil street-side in Yangon July 22, 2009. The oil is used as traditional medicine to treat pain. REUTERS/ Soe Zeya Tun

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Two places that belong in the Disgusting Infestation Hall of Fame have reason to celebrate today.

This week we heard about a police station in Sierra Leone that was overrun by venomous snakes. I’m pleased to report soldiers with AK-47s and firemen with power hoses have attacked the slither-fest, and killed about 250 of the 400 snakes.

Imagine how much safer folks will feel now, with a mere 150 snakes left!

Meanwhile, I’ve blogged about Alaska’s Rat Island, which has been run by rats for 229 years ever since a shipwreck spilled rampaging rodents onto the remote island. Suffice it to say as an island tourist destination, Rat Island hasn’t been giving Maui any sleepless nights.

But now the place appears to be rat-free, thanks to a government program of dropping poison from helicopter-hoisted buckets. The only remaining question is what to call the place.

Some helpful suggestions from me:

• The Fetid Stench-Pit Formerly Known as Rat Island
• Your Tax Dollars at Work Island
• Little Skeletons Island

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Above: Rat Island in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Alaska Maritime National Wildlife Refuge/Handout.

Right: A St. Domenico statue is covered with snakes at the beginning of the St. Domenico’s procession in Cocullo, central Italy in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi/Files

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Ring ring ring…

“Hello? Is this the police? I want to come down to the station to report a stolen car…”

“Your call is important to us. Currently our office is being overrun by hundreds of venomous snakes, so please expect to be bitten a few times and maybe die.”

“Ah, then I think I’ll just wait. Maybe I’ll start taking the bus instead of driving. Good-bye.”

The above was a simulated conversation about a real situation over in Sierra Leone, where an actual police station is overflowing with slithering cobras and vipers.

According to our story they’ve tried getting rid of them by using snake charmers and have also tried smoking them out, with no luck. The next plan is to use firemen and soldiers to flood them out, which I’m guessing they haven’t properly discussed with experts or with their insurance agents.

I’m also guessing that the only bright spot is that reported crimes in that precinct are way, way down.

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Above: Snake Handler Jack Bibby dangles rattlesnakes from his mouth during a performance at the Taylor Rattlesnake Sacking Championships in Taylor, Texas, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

Left: A traditional dancing devil parades down the streets of central Freetown, Sierra Leone, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Katrina Manson

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Blog Guy, is it just me, or does it seem like these days you don’t see as many ferrets in fashion shows as you used to?

No, I see just as many ferrets as ever.

What about roosters? I’m not seeing so many of those, either.

I don’t know what kind of fashion shows you go to, but I’m seeing more roosters than ever on the runways. Look at this weekend show. Roosters, ferrets, snakes, porcupines…

Really? And what about ring-tailed lemurs?

LEMURS? Lemurs at a fashion show? Right. You just don’t get it, do you, slick?

Models and animals slideshow

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Above: A model holds a ferret during the Defile.zoo fashion show in the zoo in St. Petersburg May 24, 2009. The show featured creations by local designers who promoted clothes made out of natural materials and without the use of fur.

Left: A model holds a rooster during the show.

REUTERS photos by Alexander Demianchuk

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Blog Guy, as a journalist I imagine you’re happy to be in a country with a free press, unlike some other places.

Amen to that! Like Canada, for instance.

Um, I believe they have a free press in Canada, don’t they?

Yeah? Tell that to the reporters who went to a local official’s news conference yesterday, where he waved a big snake at them every time they asked a question!

Did you read that someplace?

Nah, I just saw a picture.

I’m sure you know that didn’t really happen. Why did you make it up?

So I could show our actual photo caption below, which carefully identifies the guy as (C) for center, so that easily-confused readers won’t mistake him for the snake.

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British Columbia Environment Minister Barry Penner (C) holds onto Pisco the boa constrictor following an announcement on new restrictions with regards to controlling the owning and breeding of exotic animals, at the aquarium in Vancouver, British Columbia March 17, 2009. REUTERS/Andy Clark

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I’m always amazed at the number of queries I get about careers in the exciting field of rattlesnakes.

Guys, having the word rattlesnake on your business card is a chick-magnet, trust me. But not all of those jobs are as glamorous as you might think.

Now, you take this photo, of a dude shining a flashlight into a snake den after pumping gas to it. Gas-Pumping Flashlight-Shiner is a bad job. It’s pretty far down the ladder, right under being the rattlesnake itself.

That brings me to you gals thinking of being a Live Rattlesnake Necklace Model. My advice, if you model snakes, the word DEAD should be in there, like Dead Rattlesnake Belt Model or something.

What snake job DO I recommend? I loved being the Rattlesnake Jokester, who carries an old rattle and shakes it right behind the Flashlight-Shiners. You should just SEE the expression on their faces as they run for the porta-jon!

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Above: A snake hunter shines a flashlight into a rattlesnake den after pumping gasoline into it as men with tongs wait to catch the snakes during a guided snake hunt at the World’s Biggest Rattlesnake Round-up, in Sweetwater, Texas, March 14, 2009.

Below: Sweetwater Jaycee drapes a snake around a woman’s neck as she poses for a picture at the Rattlesnake Round-up.

REUTERS photos by Jessica Rinaldi

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Blog Guy, I know you’re an expert on oral hygiene. I brush during every meal, floss all day at my desk and eat only carrots, but I still get cavities. What can I do?

How often to you snake?

I beg your pardon?

I’m asking how often you put a live snake in your mouth to get rid of germs that cause decay.

Well, usually never.

There’s your problem right there. As the woman in these photos knows, daily snake treatments are recommended by 84 percent of people who have thought about becoming dentists.

You just jam that dirty old squirmy thing in there?

Are you stupid? Of course not. You sanitize it first, with a special disinfectant.

I see. what’s it called?

You can use Serpentine Turpentine or Serpentine Listerine.

Okay, that’s it. I’m out of here for good!

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A combination photograph of a performer swallowing a live snake during a show at a temple fair celebrating Chinese New Year in Beijing January 28, 2009. REUTERS/David Gray

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It turns out there’s one more thing to be afraid of. Meet the Titanoboa, which scientists just reported on.

The snake was 43 feet long - about like two stretch limos parked at a prom - and weighed 2,500 pounds, roughly like the Exxon Valdez, give or take.

A Titanoboa fossil was found at a coal mine, which I guess means he enjoyed eating sweaty guys in hard hats. But the amazing part is that nowhere in our story can I find the crucial word “extinct.”

He could still be out there, slithering toward your home some damp, moonless night, looking for a wide bedroom window to crawl through.

My advice? If your daughter is going to a prom, tell her not to be the first one in the stretch limo. Also, Village People, watch your backs!

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Above: Stretch Hummer limo in file photo. REUTERS/ Claro Cortes IV

Below: Artist’s rendering shows prehistoric snake Titanoboa, whose remains were found in a Colombian coal mine. REUTERS/ Jason Bourque

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We’re told in this caption that luxury goods on display at this Lux Only exhibition just aren’t selling very well. Why would that be?

Now, you take this engraved Blaser rifle, which by the way is an anagram for a blogger I know. Why hasn’t it sold?

Maybe it’s the harsh lighting in the showcase, or the cheesy background Muzak, or heck, I guess it could even be the fricking SNAKES they’ve put in the case as a security measure!

“So, you’re looking to buy a rifle to hunt what, Mr. Johnson? Snakes? Well, this-here is your LUCKY day! Careful where you grab the barrel, sir!

Lux Only slideshow

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Snakes crawl on an engraved Blaser R93 Imperial rifle displayed at Lux Only exhibition in Sofia December 4, 2008. The fair displays luxury brands which attract a lot of attention but they rarely get sold as Bulgarians have the lowest incomes in the European Union. REUTERS/ Stoyan Nenov

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