Hey Blog Guy, sometimes you offer helpful guidelines for people who want to know if they may have chosen the wrong career. Keep them coming!  

Sure. Here’s one litmus test. If you find yourself with a tube of glue in one hand and a live rattlesnake in the other, it may be time to put rabid bats in your guidance counselor’s car.

The reason this comes to mind is, I saw photos of this guy gluing radio transmitters to rattlesnakes in hopes of learning why so many of them get run over on highways.

Apparently the thinking is - and I do see some flaws here - that given a chance to reach a drive-time radio audience, snakes will broadcast stuff like, “Well, here comes a Porsche 911 going about 110 mph, so I’m going to slither on across Route 27 and ttthhhhhhhpppppp!!!!!”

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Adam Martinson, from the University of Calgary, glues a radio transmitter onto the back of a prairie rattlesnake in Dinosaur Provincial Park, Alberta, on August 7, 2008. Martinson has come to study why snakes slither onto - and too frequently die on - the asphalt blacktop of the region’s roads. REUTERS/ Todd Korol

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Quick quiz: To make sure they’re comfortable around animals, young children should spend time with…

a) Mr. Donkey
b) Mrs. Moo-Cow
c) Miss Chimpanzee
d) Mr. Deadly Cobra

Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be a tough one. It makes you wonder what’s gonna happen when this snake gets irritated by a tune he doesn’t like, or decides he wants something yellow for lunch today or whatever.

Come along, little Sally, now it’s time to go pet Mr. Snarly Hyena and Miss Rabid Bat…

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Women offer prayers to a cobra snake on the occasion of the Hindu festival of “Naag Panchami” in the central Indian city of Bhopal August 6, 2008. Naag Panchami is a unique festival dedicated to honoring the snake god. REUTERS/Raj Patidar

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Blog Guy, I collect pictures of popes with snakes. Do you have any? All I have so far is one of a guy with a rattlesnake, and to tell you the truth I’m not sure he’s a real pope.

Well weirdo, this is your lucky day. A big glossy shot of Pope Benedict and a python!

Wow, thanks! I guess that man holding the snake must be a respected theologian, if they let him meet the pope. Any idea what wisdom he imparted?

Yes. He said, “They eat things like possums.”

Incredible! Was there anything else unusual about the event?

Only that our caption said Pope Benedict XVI (L), so that easily-confused readers would know the pope was the one on the left dressed like a pope, and not the young blond guy with a snake on his shoulders.

Pope Benedict XVI (L) pats a python at Kenthurst Study Centre where he is resting ahead of World Youth Day in Sydney July 16, 2008. REUTERS/Osservatore Romano/Pool

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Okay, who’s the wise guy?

All of you know our motto here at Acme Snake Charming School: “Safety is pretty darned important.”

So, which one of you clowns rewrote the instructions for beginning students, to tell them to take the baskets with king cobras inside and overturn them on their own heads?  

Related: The other guys dared you to do WHAT?

Japanese Shakuhachi players perform during a media call for the World Shakuhachi Festival 2008, in Sydney, July 4, 2008. REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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St. Domenico was the patron saint of people bitten by snakes, see, so every year these townspeople thank him by covering his statue with writhing, slithering, fang-showing, tongue-darting snakes.

Then everybody jams themselves so close to the snake-draped statue that they can’t move at all.

But anyhow, here’s the guy I love. He’s right next to the statue, hitting his head Homer Simpson-style. You can see him just starting to do the math. I figure the next photo in the sequence, which I sadly lack, is probably a masterpiece of physical comedy.

Slithering slideshow…    Video report:

Snakes cover a wooden statue at the beginning of the St. Domenico procession in Cocullo, Italy May 1, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Blog Guy, you’re great at giving advice on careers. Should I consider letting venomous snakes bite me for a living?

You know, that’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, here’s a pretty good litmus test. If you have a hard time saying the word snake because there’s one hanging from your tongue, you may wish to consider a pro Russian roulette career, instead.

While I’m at it, you also don’t want to be the guy who takes the venom out of the snakes, or the one who scotch-tapes teeny labels on the snakes so you can tell which ones still have venom in them.

But what you really don’t want to be is a customer at the tavern where the bartender stores the bottles of snake venom in the fridge right next to the mixers he uses for pina coladas…

Much more advice on careers:

A snake bites a snake charmer at Lohagara village, India, April 22, 2008. The snake charmer says the venom has been removed from the snake. REUTERS/Jitendra Prakash

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Ladies, you’ve all been there. An evening out, and you want something to defend yourself, but tasers and mace just don’t seem, you know, festive enough.

So, for times when you need to combine protection and fashion, what’s better than a six-foot snake? Nothing says, “Get lost!” like a big set of fangs dangling over your hand.

“Hey honey, you come here often?”

“No, me and my snake usually crush the life out of losers at the bar next door.”

Best of all, when some guy, as so often happens, holds up a rodent cage and says, “Wanna hold my pet rat?” Well, you’ve got yourself the best darned set-up in the history of Friday night comedy!

Related post: Fangs for the memories…

A model holds a snake on the runway as she displays a creation during Viva La Eve by Triumph at the Singapore Fashion Festival April 3, 2008. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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My personal policy is I don’t drink booze with anything floating in it that I wouldn’t eat. I’ve missed out on some good tequila, but rules are rules.

That brings us to Bayou Bob, of Bayou Bob’s Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch. Texas authorities say he was selling bottles of vodka with dead baby rattlesnakes.

Now, you’d think it would be pretty hard to GIVE that stuff away, but it seems Bob found folks who would pay $23 a bottle. These must be guys who fail to grasp the concept of displacement; once you cram a 10-inch snake in a bottle, there’s not much room left for vodka.

If you DID buy a bottle, how should you serve Bob’s stuff? My bartender’s guide suggests cocktails such as a “Death Rattle,” a “Fang ‘n’ Tang,” or a refreshing summer drink called “Venom ‘n’ Lemon.”

Related post: Which end of the snake goes in my mouth?

Not the same guy: Heart of Texas Snake Handler Jack Bibby dangles rattlesnakes from his mouth in a 2007 file photo REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

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A few days ago I blogged a blog item about a huge snake, and pointed out a strong warning against using the photo for ad purposes. It was the first I was aware that some folks might try to do that with snake pictures.

Apparently those would-be snakesploitation advertising goons are still lurking, because here comes a picture of a giant spitting cobra, with the same warning. I can understand the precaution. Nothing motivates me to go out and spend money more than the words SNAKE and SPIT. Man, I got my hand on my wallet already!

I mean, come on. This isn’t exactly a giant panda. Considering we’re told that one of these cobras packs enough poison to kill 15 people, I’d say this dude in the shorts and 14 of his buddies are the ones who should be getting warned.

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Anthony Childs, an associate of Bio-Ken snake farm in Watamu on the Kenyan coast, stands in front of a newly discovered giant spitting cobra, measuring nearly nine feet, in this picture released by Wildlife Direct, December 7, 2007. REUTERS/WildlifeDirect/ Handout.  EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS.

Yo, Blog Guy! Have you seen that amazing video of the Doberman fighting a real cobra in India or someplace? It’s awesome!

Indeed, we have that footage and you can see a minute of it here.

But what is even more amazing to me is that the fight between the dog and snake went on for more than an hour. There are voices in the background, commenting on the action, and I keep trying to imagine what the bizarre scene was like.

“Chet, look there, it’s a seven-foot deadly cobra snake! Let’s see what happens when Fluffy spots it! Run and get the video camera! Junior, sweetie, you run up to the store for some more videotapes and a snake bite kit. Chet, don’t be such a weenie! Move on in there and get a close-up of that deadly killer snake, for lord’s sake!”

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