People say to me, “Bob, what are YOU thankful for on this Thanksgiving?” and I tell them plenty of stuff, because I am truly blessed.

I’m thankful for family, friends, home and health, and a chance to entertain people with this blog, which I may actually start doing any day now.

I’m also thankful that as of 2:30 p.m. today I haven’t caught even the briefest glimpse of the Macy’s Parade, and that I live in a country where nobody can force me to listen to ukulele music.

But I guess most of all, I’m thankful that I’m not either of these guys in these pictures… Life is great!

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Left: Detroit Lions fan wears a turkey hat on his head before the start of the Thanksgiving Day NFL football game against the Green Bay Packers in Detroit, Michigan November 26, 2009.

Right: Green Bay Packers fan wears a cheese head hat with a fake turkey on top before the start of the game.

REUTERS photos by Rebecca Cook

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Blog Guy, I know all contact sports have risks. Boxing, football, fencing, they can all take their toll. Is there any threat that is especially common to soccer players?

Absolutely. There is the tragedy of soccer blindness, as seen here in these terrifying photos. It afflicts hundreds of players every year, usually during an actual game.

Is it curable?

Yes, the player’s sight usually returns after someone leads him to the shower.

Blog Guy, I don’t want to second-guess your obvious expertise here, but it just looks like this guy’s shirt rode up on his face, and covered his eyes. I mean, it looks that simple.

You know nothing about it. For instance, in addition to loss of sight, the player in these photos complained of lack of smell and an “unusual tightness” across his cheeks.

He also suffered arm and wrist injuries trying to get into the locker room.

I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Are they researching this cursed condition?

Yes, and I’m sure they’ll set up a charity soon. Please give generously. This athlete has suffered enough.

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Getafe’s Francisco Javier Casquero celebrates a goal against Espanyol during their Spanish first division soccer match at Cornella-El Prat stadium, near Barcelona, November 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Blog Guy, what do you think of the huge musical news for this season?

It’s amazing, huh?

I’ll say! Who ever would have thought, a Bob Dylan Christmas CD!

Oh, that. I thought you were talking about those European soccer coaches recording all the great Righteous Brothers hits - “Unchained Melody,” “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’,” etc… Those coaches can really belt it out.

Soccer coaches? Righteous Brothers? This is just too stupid, even for you!

Fine, but I’ve already pre-ordered mine. It’s a tribute to Phil Spector, the Righteous Brothers’ legendary producer who of course is now in prison for murder.

I’m sure I’ll regret this. I already do. What’s this Spector tribute CD called?

“Chained Melody,” of course.

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Top: FC Zurich’s coach Bernard Challandes reacts at the end of their Champions League soccer match against Olympique Marseille at the Velodrome Stadium in Marseille, November 3, 2009. REUTERS/Philippe Laurenson

Combo: Assorted soccer coaches and managers. REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, I’m outraged. Connect me to your blog’s complaint department!

Hello, this is the Odd Blog Complaint Department. Your call is important to us…

Look here, I think this Basler guy ran a photo of Usain Bolt and a cheetah cub for the SOLE purpose of justifying a cheap pun headline playing off of a hit song from 1966!

I see. And you somehow expected more from this blog?

Yes. Usually Bob would only use a cheetah picture if the animal was pooping or something like that.

Let me get this straight. You’d LIKE to see a photo of a pooping cheetah?

Um, yes. That’s the main reason most of us come to this blog.

Okay then, ma’am. Because we care about customer satisfaction, here you go.

Wow! I AM satisfied. I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring my friends! Tell Bob thanks a lot!

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Above: Olympic and world champion sprinter Usain Bolt from Jamaica holds a three-month-old male cheetah cub at the Kenya Wildlife Service headquarters in Nairobi, November 2, 2009. Bolt adopted the cheetah cub named “Lightning Bolt” during the launch of the Animal Adoption Programme “Namayiana” at the Nairobi Animal Orphanage.

Below: A cheetah relieves itself in its cage at the KWS headquarters.

REUTERS photos by Thomas Mukoya

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Lamar, the big race starts in less than an hour! Where are the jockeys?

They’re coming, Boss!

Are they ready? Did they prepare for the race?

You betcha, Boss! They spent all night drinking!

That’s good. Drinking alcohol?

Of COURSE alcohol, Boss! What ELSE would you drink before the big race?

Just checkin’, Lamar. And did they wear themselves out?

For sure! They danced non-stop. Can’t even keep their eyes open!

Ah, there they are now, Lamar! I can see ‘em trying to find the stable…

It’s a grand sight, isn’t it, Lamar! On a morning like this, with the sun comin’ up over the puke-filled mud and the jockeys staggerin’ this way in their finery, if you squint just a bit you’d think you’re at the Royal Ascot Races.

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Riders finish a night of drinking alcohol and dancing before a traditional horse race on All Saints Day in Todos Santos, Guatemala, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Daniel LeClair

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Color me embarrassed. We had a PRETTY BAD error on our file, and is our policy, we had to publicly correct it. It seems we reported that Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to $2,200.

In a game known as ‘Russian road roulette,’ the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians.

Imagine doing something that stupid for $2,200!

Well, it soon became clear we had it all wrong. It turned out, drivers are playing this game for bets of up to $7,400, which is a lot different from doing it just for chump change like $2,200.

But as insane as this game still sounds, the most amazing part to me is that according to our story, ONLOOKERS bet on the outcome, too!

“Hey Lamar, look! They’re havin’ one of those Russian road roulette games right here! Think we should get the hell out of the way to save ourselves?”

“Not so fast, Clancy! I’ll bet you $200 that red Mustang misses that pedestrian in the Hawaiian shirt… Oops! Well, we didn’t shake on it, Clancy…”

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These are just random photos of Bulgarian traffic carnage, not connected to Russian Road Roulette.

Above: Drivers and members of the Bulgarian security service confer after the leading car of the motorcade of the visiting Maltese President Guido de Marco collided with a truck near the village of Mursalevo in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS

Below: A Bulgarian firefighter tries to extinguish a burning taxi whose propane gas tank had caught fire on a motorway in central Sofia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, I hate to complain, but you used to do a much better job of covering stupid sports around the world. Many of us come here to see athletic events that are too twisted and ignorant for other media to cover. Anything new?

As a matter of fact, yes. I’ve really been getting into teargas sports. You know, teargas soccer, teargas baseball and the fastest-growing, teargas tennis.

Really? What do you like about teargas tennis?

Well for one thing, there is never any question of flawed calls from an umpire. When that teargas grenade goes off on your side of the net, you know it, as you can see in these photos of players.

And as the photo above shows, it takes a steady hand to whack that canister back over the barb wire “net” before it explodes.

Thanks, Blog Guy! Now this is the sort of stupidity we’ve come to expect from your blog. And what would you say is your very favorite part of a teargas tennis game?

That’s easy. I love the part where the winners try to jump over the wire net to congratulate their opponent. Talk about your great moments in sports…

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Above: A Palestinian demonstrator uses a tennis racket to return an empty tear gas canister at Israeli soldiers during a protest against the controversial Israeli barrier in the West Bank village of Bilin near Ramallah October 23, 2009. REUTERS/Yannis Behrakis

Below: Assorted tennis players, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, I’ve decided to do my doctoral thesis on the inner workings of the Maldives government. Great idea, huh?

Uh, yeah. I presume your scuba gear is all packed and ready?

Scuba gear? I can’t even swim. Is that a problem?

It might be. It seems they hold their cabinet meetings underwater these days.

They do? Why wasn’t I informed? What is the point of that?

Well, I can’t be bothered to read the photo captions, but if I had to guess I’d say it cuts down on long-winded speeches.

It also saves money by not having to pay staffers to constantly fill officials’ water glasses during meetings.

This is going to really screw up my thesis. You think they’ll keep doing this for long?

I doubt it. The current Maldives President belongs to the We Do Cute Stuff For Media Attention Party, but opposition parties are starting to make their move.

And remind me, what parties are those?

The Great White Shark Party and the Professional Harpooners Party. This could be interesting.

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Above: Maldivian Minister of Fisheries and Agriculture Ibrahim Didi signs a declaration calling on countries to cut down carbon dioxide emissions ahead of a major U.N. climate change conference in December, in the Maldives, October 17, 2009. The Maldivian president and ministers held the world’s first underwater cabinet meeting on Saturday, in a symbolic cry for help over rising sea levels that threaten the tropical archipelago’s existence. REUTERS/Maldives Government/Handout

Below: Maldives President Mohamed Nasheed signs a declaration at the cabinet meeting. REUTERS/Maldives Government/Handout

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Blog Guy, I need to get some medical advice from you in the strictest confidence. I am a very famous person. You may just call me Ronaldo.

Ah. You’re that guy from the big hamburger franchise? You ARE famous!

No. That would be Ronald McDonald. I myself am RONALDO, a huge soccer star, but I have injured my ankle. I need to play again soon. What do you recommend?

Get yourself some shamans - you know, magic guys. One of them should look like Muammar Gaddafi. The other one should have a dead rodent hanging from his neck.

A dead rodent… Hanging by what?

By what? By a Dead Rodent Strap, silly. What else would he use? They sell ‘em at Radio Shack.

Then what do the shamans do?

They get together this evening, holding a photo of you and some eyes and a skull and a gingerbread man cookie, and they chant.

Where did you learn all this stuff?

From a song in the musical, “South Pacific.”

Oh please don’t go where I think you’re going. What’s the song called?

“Shaman Chanted Evening,” of course.

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Peruvian shamans holding a poster of Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo walk to perform a ritual in front of the Spanish Embassy in Lima October 19, 2009. The Peruvian shamans gathered outside the Spanish Embassy in Lima on Monday to channel their energies into fighting and removing what they say is a hex on Real Madrid forward Ronaldo, who is currently sidelined with an injured ankle. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I recall you’ve been a professional fencing coach?

I don’t like to boast, but I do know quite a bit about those long pointy things.

Well so, what’s the most important thing to understand about fencing?

Timing.

Timing? You mean when to parry, when to thrust?

No, I mean the right time to jubilantly throw your arms up in victory celebration.

For instance, as these photos from the World Fencing Championships seem to show, the wrong time is when your opponent is three feet away from you and pissed-off and still has his long pointy thing.

Note: No fencers were harmed in making this blog post

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Above: Italy’s Andrea Baldini (L) celebrates after defeating Italy’s Andrea Cassara in the men’s individual foil quarter-final fencing event at the World Fencing Championship in Antalya, southern Turkey October 3, 2009.

Below: Poland’s Radoslaw Glonek lies on the ground after he was defeated by Germany’s Peter Joppich.

REUTERS photos by Murad Sezer

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