Blog Guy, I’m intrigued by your reports on what life is like where they don’t have cable television. You’ve shown singing dingos, a mobile sauna and worse. What a sad existence!

I’ve been holding back a bit, but I may as well take the lid off. In some deprived places they compensate for a lack of TV by racing furniture. We’ve had credible reports of people racing beds and chairs, sometimes while listening to OOMPAH music.

My God! It’s worse than I ever imagined! Make it stop! It gets even worse. In both reports, people actually showed up to spectate. 

To spit?

No, that would be expectorate. They went to be spectators, to cheer the people racing furniture. And that’s where no cable television leads.

A participant speeds down a street during the first German office chair racing championship in the village of Bad Koenig-Zell, April 26, 2008.  REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a real sports fanatic. Are there any events at the upcoming Beijing Olympics that have you really pumped?

You betcha. That new one, the 400 meter mobile phone hurdles. The training photos are breath-taking. The athletes show the split-second physical prowess of hurdle jumping while conversing on a cell phone at the same time!

They don’t know exactly when the call will come, yet they have under a second to say, “Hi ma, sorry I haven’t called you.” Then, they immediately have to dial and order Thai food take-away! Guess that gives the Thai team a slight advantage.

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Paramilitary police for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games take part in training at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

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(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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It’s time for yet another edition of “Things Maybe We Should Have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.” We see this race driver sliding along a river of champagne, and our caption just says he “slips down from the podium as he celebrates finishing second place.” This raises questions…

- Shouldn’t a real race driver be able to stand on a podium?

- Was this just another of those champagne tragedies, which mortify thousands of athletes every year?

- It appears at least TWO bottles were involved. Was this a conspiracy? Were other drivers hurling their bottles while he couldn’t defend himself?

- Let’s face it. Should he really be this tickled about second place?

Related post: Sumpthin’ you don’t see at every race…

Repsol Mitsubishi Ralliart driver Stephane Peterhansel slips down from the podium as he celebrates finishing second place at the Dakar Series Central Europe Rally in Hungary, April 26, 2008. REUTERS/ Karoly Arvai

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Hey, Blog Guy! I was wondering, in a real bullfight, what is it that gets the bull to attack the matador? I’m assuming it’s the red cape, right?

Well, that’s what some people think, but not me.

Have you ever looked at the faces these matadors make in the ring? If you were face to face with one and you had two big sharp horns with you, what would YOU do with them? I mean, it’s not even a close call!

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REUTERS photos

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Clancy was mortified. WHY had he believed that salesman who said sissy clothes would be THE LOOK for the beach this season? Liar, liar, pants on fire!

So now, endless miles of Caribbean sand, and Clancy is the only one wearing gold braid and fuzzy epaulettes. The other guys are wearing flip-flops, not fuschia socks and dancing shoes like his.

The stockings made his legs sweat and there was sand in his shoes. He covered his face with his hands. He could hear laughter from towel to towel. Oh no! He remembered he had paid extra to have CLANCY embroidered on the back of his jacket. D’oh!

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Spanish bullfighter Javier Valverde prepares for a bullfight at in Seville, April 13, 2008. REUTERS/Javier Barbancho

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These folks throwing punches at each other are:

• Hillary Clinton supporters whomping on elitists
• South Korean lawmakers, in session 
• Battlestar Gallactica fans arguing over the fifth Cylon
• Spectators at a Davis Cup tennis match

Yeah, I was shocked by this one, but it is indeed tennis fans. Their scuffle was  possibly the most unexpected violence since that outburst at the Boston Pops.  What started it? A dispute over the proper length of a Bloody Mary celery stalk.  

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Spectators fight in the stands during a Davis Cup World Group tennis match in Buenos Aires April 13, 2008. REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there is a kind of poker played with live, gun-toting  troops.

That’s ”Neck Deck Poker,” or “Ante Maim,” where 52  armed soldiers each have one card behind their head. They jump in a pile and roll around, to “shuffle” the deck.  Then they put money in the pot and form poker hands. This pair of deuces is going for a full house, which…

Stop! That’s utter pig slop! You made it up to support a funny photograph. I’m going to another blog!

But wait, I haven’t told you how they cut the cards! 

Related post: Simon says, cover your eyes!

Paramilitary police at training session in Beijing April 10, 2008. Playing cards ensure that the police maintain good posture. REUTERS/Joe Chan

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Welcome to a new Great Challenges in Advertising. Think scuba diving, what comes to mind? Crystal waters, coral reefs, Barbados, Hawaii…. But Siberia, not so much? We need to change that. Bring people around.

Look at the photo. What are the strengths of Siberia’s scuba diving? That’s right, it’s convenient. Good! You can do it downtown! No boring tropical boat rides. And, they have chairs! You haven’t really experienced scuba until you’ve done it from a chair!

Brainstorm with me here, people! The pool is small - you won’t get lost! And what else? MAGAZINES! Instead of looking at fish, like you could see at a fricking fish market, you can read! It’s scuba for couch potatoes! Can we shoot this guy watching a plasma TV? Now we’re cooking!

Advertising news: There’s your problem right here, ma’am…

A scuba diver sits in an inflatable pool advertising tourism in the center of the Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk April 5, 2008. REUTERS/Ilya Naymushin

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Oh, what have I done? Mom wanted me to be a chiropractor, but no! I knew better! Mister Smarty-Pants just HAD to be a matador!

So here I am, dressed like Elton John, in front of all these boobs who came to see blood. They expect me to take my sword and… Caramba! I left my sword at home, on the sofa! Under my CAPE! Can anything ELSE go wrong today?

“Well, there’s the roar of the crowd. That means they’ve let the bull in. It’s just me, this black beanbag on my head, and a one-ton bull. What? And the program says I’m FRENCH? I know, who’s even HEARD of a French bullfighter? Maybe if I stand real still…

Related posts: Meester bool and “So? What do you do?”

French matador Sebastian Castella crosses himself before starting a bullfight in The Maestranza bullring in Seville April 4, 2008. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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