Oh what have I done? I just came here to wear a funny costume and torture poor animals, but now the KING is here! I’m SURE it’s the king, I’ve seen him on television!

I should give him something. He’s the king! I could hurl my shiny sword at him, but you can get in trouble for doing that… They would call me “The Stupid One.”

I could toss my Official Bullfighter Cap, but then my costume wouldn’t be complete… And what if he wants money, too? Why oh why didn’t I just go to the Flan Festival with the other guys today?

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Spanish King Juan Carlos tries to get the cap thrown by Spanish bullfighter Javier Conde during a bullfight at Madrid’s Las Ventas bullring June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there’s a super-secret society of prominent people in religion, politics and entertainment who communicate with each other through their own private hand gesture language.

I understand they are very active lately, indicating something big is about to go down. Is this true or not?

Please get a grip. Wouldn’t somebody in the media also have to be involved, to make sure they could all see the messages to each other? Trust me, I would notice if stuff like that started showing up!

Pope Benedict,
REUTERS/Dario Pignatelli

Dinara Safina,
REUTERS/Vincent Kessler

Pedro Martinez ,
REUTERS/Robert Galbraith

Bill Clinton,
REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a sports nut. I guess you’ll be glued to the television for the big race?

You bet! I wouldn’t miss it.

Think Big Brown will pull it off?

Ah. So you’re talking about the Belmont in Elmont? I thought you meant the Lithuanian baby races, which I get on my satellite dish. My money is on Banga Sakalauske. I know a guy who knows her personal trainer, and…never mind, I’ve said too much already.

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Blog Guy, is it true that in addition to being a presidential candidate, Barack Obama has been a professional Rock Paper Scissors competitor?

Yes. In the spare time he spent never learning to bowl, Obama sharpened his skills at this game, instead. Indeed, he met his wife, Michelle, at the Rock, Paper, Scissors world championships a few years ago. They still frequently play the game to relax, when they think nobody is watching.

Please see this photo and the actual caption we issued with it, which clearly identifies Michelle as the one on the left in case readers might get confused.

Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) bumps fists with his wife Michelle (L) before his speech at his South Dakota and Montana presidential primary election night rally in St. Paul, Minnesota, June 3, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Miller

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I did a very popular item about a phrase book for folks  going to Austria for Euro 2008, to help get by in the local dialect. The guide is REALLY useful if you get a bit creative. Say you decide to rob a convenience store. By mixing up actual phrases from various pages, you can say:

“All by yourself? Do you have a safe? Give me the money!  Do you understand? Come on, you joker, let me get by!  I’m making a quick getaway! ”

See what I mean? Here’s another creative example:

“I’m Karl and these are my friends  I’d like to have a coffee with brandy or rum…  Now I need a beer to get me back on my feet! I still feel the alcohol in my veins.  Can’t we have just one last small glass of wine…? Today I fainted…” 

How convenient is THAT? All it lacks is: “Hello, I’m Karl and I’m an alcoholic…”

Here is the guide.  Maybe you’d like to put together your own creative phrases. 

(above) drawing from the phrase book 

(below) Austrian artist Christian Ludwig Attersee and art students present labels for wine bottles with soccer themes in Vienna March 31, 2008. REUTERS/Herwig Prammer

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Dear Becky,

I read that two English soccer teams are playing in some finals in Moscow, and lots of fans are there.  

What an opportunity, since you’re studying in Moscow! We would be THRILLED if you met a British boy and began courting. The English are such  gentlemen! You’ll spot them easily. They will be wearing formal attire, and top hats or maybe bowlers.   

You should go to an up-scale lounge, and look for a table of reserved youths ordering sherry and cucumber sandwiches and discussing Chaucer or maybe pheasant hunting. Introduce yourself, say you enjoyed “Remains of the Day,” and let them take it from there. Cheerio, as they say!

Love, Mom

Manchester United supporters shout outside a street cafe in Moscow, May 21, 2008.

Manchester United supporters scuffle with Russian men outside a street cafe in Moscow, May 21, 2008. REUTERS photos by Oksana Yushko

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“Another gherkin for me, please…” Excuse me, I’m just practicing phrases to use in Vienna for Euro 2008, thanks to a guide for visitors who wish to try the local dialect.

Our story says the guide helps with ordering Austrian cuisine, flirting with local women, and other tourist situations. I hope the gherkin line is under food rather than flirting, because not all chicks would consider it a turn-on.

From the looks of the phrases they chose to include, those “wild and crazy guys” have already booked their room.

Here are some examples, and no, I swear am NOT making these up:

“We’re real party animals out on the town!”
“Your body is so hot it makes me crazy!”
“Greetings, hot kitten!”
“Are you crazy? Are you blind? Can’t you hear?”
“I’m getting totally wasted!”

And the ultimate steamy pickup line no hot chick can resist: “I HAVE THE RUNS!”

A waiter serves beer in Vienna in a 2008 photo. REUTERS/Herwig Prammer

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Blog Guy, I’m intrigued by your reports on what life is like where they don’t have cable television. You’ve shown singing dingos, a mobile sauna and worse. What a sad existence!

I’ve been holding back a bit, but I may as well take the lid off. In some deprived places they compensate for a lack of TV by racing furniture. We’ve had credible reports of people racing beds and chairs, sometimes while listening to OOMPAH music.

My God! It’s worse than I ever imagined! Make it stop! It gets even worse. In both reports, people actually showed up to spectate. 

To spit?

No, that would be expectorate. They went to be spectators, to cheer the people racing furniture. And that’s where no cable television leads.

A participant speeds down a street during the first German office chair racing championship in the village of Bad Koenig-Zell, April 26, 2008.  REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a real sports fanatic. Are there any events at the upcoming Beijing Olympics that have you really pumped?

You betcha. That new one, the 400 meter mobile phone hurdles. The training photos are breath-taking. The athletes show the split-second physical prowess of hurdle jumping while conversing on a cell phone at the same time!

They don’t know exactly when the call will come, yet they have under a second to say, “Hi ma, sorry I haven’t called you.” Then, they immediately have to dial and order Thai food take-away! Guess that gives the Thai team a slight advantage.

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Paramilitary police for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games take part in training at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

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(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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