Arnold: Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Sylvester: My old man, he was never too smart, he says to me, ‘You ain’t got much of a brain…’

Arnold: I remember days like this when my father took me to the forest and we ate wild blueberries…

Sylvester: Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am…

Arnold: I’m your twin brother…

Sylvester: You know, you’re like a crazy brother to me…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: : I was wonderin’ if, uh, you wouldn’t mind marryin’ me very much…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: I think we make a real sharp couple of coconuts - I’m dumb, you’re shy, whaddaya think, huh?

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

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Actor Sylvester Stallone (L) and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at WBC Heavyweight Championship boxing bout in Los Angeles, September 26, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake

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Blog Guy, did you read about those guys who made the highest parachute landing ever at a drop zone near Mount Everest last week?

So they had the danger of diving from four miles up, AND they had to avoid hitting Mount Everest! They must be REALLY macho!

Total weenies, those guys. If they had only checked around, they would have found much more dangerous new combo sports. Just to name a few:

• Jumping over Everest from four miles up while playing Russian roulette
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up in a jumpsuit full of cobras
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up with a three-mile bungee cord attached to the airplane
• Jumping over Everest from four miles up while listening to Barry Manilow on your iPod

Wow! Do you need a special parachute for those combo sports?

Who said anything about a parachute?

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Ramesh Chandra Tripathi, one of three team members, prepares to land at Gorakshep near the Mount Everest area, September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Handout

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I’m very reluctant to call anyone stupid. What? Yes, I HAVE used that word in 423 blog posts, which just goes to show my restraint.

So here is this story about “soccer legend” Diego Maradona. He checked into a weight-loss clinic in Italy, and finance police promptly seized his earrings to help pay off his back taxes.

Now, what’s odd about that?

Our story says three years ago tax police took two Rolex watches from Maradona when he was in Italy for a benefit match.

In 2005, they seized his payout for participating in a TV dancing show, and in 2001 he was met by 20 police officers as he got off a plane in Rome.

Now, if this happened to me with such regularity, I’d say, “WTF! Give me a map of Europe! I’m gonna figure out which place is Italy, and not go there anymore!”

But instead, this guy seems to pack for every visit saying, “I need to take something nice for the tax man….”

“Oh look, honey, they’re waiting for us at customs! Give me a necklace or something - it’s impolite to not bring them anything!”

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Left:Former Argentine soccer star Diego Maradona at a match in Buenos Aires, in 2006. REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci

Right: Argentina’s national soccer coach Maradona watches their World Cup 2010 qualifying soccer match against in Asuncion, September 9, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Quick quiz: In these photos, President Barack Obama is…

a) illustrating how his new death panels will work.

b) abruptly ending a promising political career.

c) pretending to be Luke Skywalker, like every other guy on earth.

d) about to provoke the Secret Service marksmen on the White House roof.

Actually, the best thing about these lawn fencing photos is first lady Michelle Obama’s expression. It’s perfect….

“Oh dear God, who gave a toy sword to that fool? Honey, come over here, I need to talk to you for a minute about dinner! It’s IMPORTANT, sweetie-pie!”

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President Barack Obama uses a plastic saber to stab U.S. fencer Tim Morehouse during an Olympic Games event on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, September 16, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Larry Downing

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Blog Guy, I know you follow international sports, and I have a question. Somebody told me women’s basketball is played very differently in Europe. Do they use a different sort of basketball?

No, they don’t use one at all. Instead, the women stuff each other through the hoops.

Really? Then how does the game end?

Well, when both baskets have players totally stuck in them, the rest of the teams go off and get drunk together.

That’s quite interesting. But if they use a person instead of a ball in basketball, then how do they play BASEBALL over there?

Trust me, you don’t want to know. It isn’t pretty.

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A cheerleader performs during the FIBA EuroBasket 2009 Qualifying Round Group E basketball game between Macedonia and Russia in Bydgoszcz September 15, 2009. REUTERS/Ivan Milutinovic

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Blog Guy, you’ve got great sources for news of President Obama. Is it true he loves to fish?

Yeah. He did some trout fishing in Montana recently, but he confided that his true passion is Office Fishing.  In the Oval Office he loves to pull out the old fishin’ poll and see what he can reel in. Of course, lots of it has to be thrown back.

Because it’s too small?

No, too valuable. He’s already snagged the Lincoln Bible, Jefferson’s diary, Clinton’s cigar box and other priceless bits of Americana.

Does he ever get any fish?

Yes. His staff likes to keep him happy, so they sneak fish products onto the hook for him to find.

You know, it’s like, “Oh Look, Mr. President, you got some Mrs. Paul’s Frozen Fish Sticks! And a bottle of tartar sauce, too!”

Or like, “Wow! A can of Bumblebee Solid White Albacore, two-for-one! Way to go, sir!”

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President Barack Obama hooks a trout in this official handout photo taken August 14, 2009 and later released by the White House.

Obama tries out the fly fishing rod given to him by a group of fisherman on his staff.

REUTERS/Pete Souza/The White House/Handouts

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Blog Guy, I saw a Reuters shot of this guy doing a Superman leap in diving competition in Switzerland this weekend, and he looked a lot like you. I guess we shouldn’t expect a new blog post tomorrow?

Several readers asked this. First off, if you’ve read my various posts about heights, you know that I oppose doing anything from an altitude, especially jumping from it.

Now, this guy is diving from a 26-meter platform, which is about 85 feet. Since that’s higher than six inches off the ground, that wouldn’t be me in the photo.

If for some reason it WAS me, I wouldn’t be posing like Superman. I’d look like a cartoon character with eyes bulging two feet out of my head, squealing like a castrato.

Lastly, unlike most blogs and liquor stores, I’m always open. There’s new stuff every day, including Labor Day. So come on back for a visit and bring your friends.

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Michal Navratil of the Czech Republic does the Superman dive from the 26 meter platform during round seven of the Red Bull Cliff Diving series in Sisikon, Switzerland September 5, 2009. REUTERS/Romina Amato

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I have trouble figuring out why some things are news. Readers know I’m confused about why we keep shooting identical photos of Madonna and her car in dozens of cities, as though we’ve never seen it before.

Then there’s this French so-called “daredevil” who climbs skyscrapers all over the world. Today he climbed a Petronas tower in Malaysia and was taken into police custody, which usually happens. Then, a couple of weeks later, he’s at it again, scaling a building somewhere else, only to wind up in custody again.

Why can’t this guy - let’s call him “Irritating Jackass” - be put on a list to keep him out of countries where he plans to break the law? Can’t they permanently attach a 200-pound weight to his ankle, or use crop-dusters to spray a sheen of grease on their tallest spires?

And I don’t understand why we have more than 300 photos, countless stories and video reports on his exploits, as if each one is news.

I propose a moratorium on coverage of this boor. No more photos, video or stories until the day we can work the words “Irritating Jackass” and “splat” into the headline. Now THAT, I would cover!

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Above: French climber known as “Spiderman” stands on the tip of the Malaysia’s landmark Petronas Twin Towers after scaling it in Kuala Lumpur, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Zainal Abd Halim

Right: Pedestrians pause on the sidewalk to watch as French climber climbs the Italia building in downtown Sao Paulo in a 2008 file photo. The climber successfully scaled the building on his second attempt in a week, after being arrested by police on Sunday while he began to climb. REUTERS/Rickey Rogers

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Blog Guy, what’s the humane situation in Britain? They really love their animals, right? But so like what if you’re a Brit person and you really have this urge to be cruel to animals? Is that a problem?

You can go fox hunting, though that’s a little more difficult these days.

But what if it doesn’t satisfy my need to be cruel? What if I try that, and just have the urge to torture BIGGER animals?

Oh, then you become a bullfighter and go to Spain.

A British bullfighter? Come on!

There really is one. We have photos of him.

Wow! I bet he has to be REALLY fit for a sport like that. Isn’t that a very demanding skill?

Uh, this guy is 67 years old, he’s had quadruple by-pass surgery and a replaced knee.

My God! How does he survive in the ring?

You can see him here with his “assistants.” I believe they protect him in the ring with machine guns and flame throwers.

Do you have any pictures of him with an actual bull?

In the photo below it looks like he THINKS he’s touching a bull. Does that count?

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Above: British matador Frank Evans, 67, poses with his assistants before a bullfight in Benalmadena, Spain, August 30, 2009. Evans, known on the circuit as “El Ingles,” quit bullfighting in 2005, but came out of retirement last year after enduring quadruple by-pass surgery and having a knee replaced.

Right: Evans practices before the bullfight.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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I apologize in advance for this one, since I know a lot of readers, even entire families, enjoy my blog while at the breakfast table.

Still, my logic is this: Nobody shields ME from this crap, so you all may as well see what’s going on in the real world, the same as I have to.

Having said that, welcome to a brand-new feature I like to call, “Hey, I’m Tryin’ to Eat my Hash Browns Here!”

I hope you enjoy it. And if you want to buy poster-size copies of these photographs for your kitchen wall, I’m sure something can be arranged.

Please remember to vote in the Coolest Dude poll

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Competitors wrestle in the over 115 kg category during the European Sumo Championships in Renens near Lausanne August 23, 2009. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

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