This is a public service warning. If you know any Dutch people, you need to be very, very, careful not to confuse them.

This became obvious after a a bunch of Dutch soccer fans at Euro 2008 followed a Swiss railway worker onto the tracks because they mistook his orange reflective vest for their traditional orange dress. I’m not making this up. It seems the idea that train tracks might be a wacky spot for a soccer match just didn’t occur to them.

The Swiss, not wanting a slaughter that would gum up their tracks with Dutch people and wooden shoes, have now given the railway workers yellow vests.

Meanwhile, if you do know some Dutch people, do NOT let them see you toss an orange shirt into a tank of killer sharks. Don’t even THINK about it!

Dutch soccer fans in Basel, Switzerland, June 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Arnd Wiegmann

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Blog Guy, help settle an argument. What is the fastest-growing sport in the world?

That’s easy. Appliance Golf. You know, it’s a lot like regular golf, but players use sledgehammers instead of golf clubs, and they use washers, refrigerators and televisions instead of balls.

The game takes up much less space than normal golf, because of course you’re not going to move an 800-pound refrigerator very far, even with the biggest sledgehammer you can lift.

Wow, I had no idea! I think I’ll look for an Appliance Golf Course in my area! It sounds like a lot of fun. 

Yes, it is. Unless you’re the caddy.

Related post: Not an all-purpose tool  and Sledgehammer slideshow

Participants destroy appliances with sledgehammers during an anti-stress session or “Destruction Therapy” before fiestas in Castejon, Spain, June 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Vincent West

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Quick quiz: The women below are…

a) Weather ladies on a local TV news show
b) Berry Girls at a strawberry shortcake festival
c) Cheerleaders

They are Chinese cheerleaders. I was surprised too, since this isn’t how most guys think cheerleaders should look. I’m pretty sure these outfits were patterned after the ones worn by Puritan cheerleaders at the Salem witch trials, but clearly the designer also was influenced by “I Dream of Jeannie” reruns.

In my opinion, if even one guy in China sees a video of a Dallas Cowboys game and catches a glimpse of their cheerleaders between now and the Olympics, the result is not going to be pretty.

Cheerleaders warm up as they wait for the start of the Xinjiang leg of the Olympic torch relay in Urumqi, Xinjiang province, China, June 17, 2008. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

“I Dream of Jeannie” publicity photo

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These days, I’m being treated to a flood of photos showing what people will do to themselves to support their favorite team at Euro 2008. Yesterday, you saw a couple of the haircuts, but it gets a lot worse than that.

I have to wonder what sort of conversation took place before this guy in Basel, the city of my ancestry, jammed a Swiss flag contact lens into his eye.

Sure, Doc, I’m aware I’ll probably fall down some stairs or drive into pedestrians because I can’t see right. Yeah, I know the sizzling sun at the game will burn a flag outline permanently onto my iris and I’ll live out my remaining years with sneering strangers calling me “Blind Swiss Guy.” So, how soon can I pick it up?

Related: Take your stylist to the cleaners!

Switzerland fan wearing a Swiss flag patterned contact lens in his eye is pictured at a Euro 2008 soccer match in Basel, Switzerland, June 11, 2008. REUTERS/ Jerry Lampen

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Welcome to a feature we call “Can I sue my freaking hairdresser?” Folks send us photos of God-awful hair, and we give legal advice.

We’re getting queries from soccer fans who went too far for Euro 2008. Sports-related bad haircuts are always thrown out, so these three below are out of luck. Oh, my mistake - the lady with red hair turns out to be an actual model, at a Hair Expo, so she can sue and will win big.

Just to show how complicated this legal stuff is, the woman with the black hair that looks like a matador hat, the dumbest hair style of them all, has no legal grounds. Why? Look at her. Incredibly, she seems to like it!

More posts about hair

Euro fans: REUTERS/Felix Ordonez

Hair Expo models: REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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Jack Nicholson reprises his role as Colonel Nathan R. Jessep in the highly anticipated revival of the play A Few Good Men.

The play is set to open on Broadway in… Oops, sorry, this is sort of embarrassing. It turns out Nicholson isn’t seen here performing the tense, explosive courtroom scene, he’s just attending a Lakers game last night.

And by the way, our photo caption says he’s “cheering” in the picture. Yikes. If that’s true, it’s probably just as well that he chose a career in acting rather than becoming a cheerleader.

More about cheerleaders: Hello, I am looking for bombers…

Actor Jack Nicholson cheers as the Los Angeles Lakers play the Boston Celtics in Los Angeles, June 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Jeff Haynes

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Note to photographers: With some major sporting events coming up involving guns, it has been brought to my attention that we need to fine-tune the way we photograph such things.  

You take this skeet shooting photo below. You could have shot it from behind, from the side, from an overhead vantage point… But if you can see the round holes where the shotgun pellets come out, you’re doing something wrong.

The same is true of this woman shooting a pistol. Again, wrong angle. If you can see her knuckle from the front, you’ve made a huge boo-boo in the area of where you’re standing.

Tomorrow, watch for my long-overdue memo on photographing archery and javelin events.

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Stephanie Tirode, France air pistol champion in 2007, takes aim during a practice session in Talence, near Bordeaux southwestern France, as she prepares to compete in the Beijing Olympics, on June 5, 2008.

France’s Veronique Giradet, skeet World Champion in 2005, demonstrates how she takes aim during in Castillon-la-Bataille, near Bordeaux, France, in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, June 5, 2008.  REUTERS photos, Olivier Pon

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Oh what have I done? I just came here to wear a funny costume and torture poor animals, but now the KING is here! I’m SURE it’s the king, I’ve seen him on television!

I should give him something. He’s the king! I could hurl my shiny sword at him, but you can get in trouble for doing that… They would call me “The Stupid One.”

I could toss my Official Bullfighter Cap, but then my costume wouldn’t be complete… And what if he wants money, too? Why oh why didn’t I just go to the Flan Festival with the other guys today?

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Spanish King Juan Carlos tries to get the cap thrown by Spanish bullfighter Javier Conde during a bullfight at Madrid’s Las Ventas bullring June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there’s a super-secret society of prominent people in religion, politics and entertainment who communicate with each other through their own private hand gesture language.

I understand they are very active lately, indicating something big is about to go down. Is this true or not?

Please get a grip. Wouldn’t somebody in the media also have to be involved, to make sure they could all see the messages to each other? Trust me, I would notice if stuff like that started showing up!

Pope Benedict,
REUTERS/Dario Pignatelli

Dinara Safina,
REUTERS/Vincent Kessler

Pedro Martinez ,
REUTERS/Robert Galbraith

Bill Clinton,
REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a sports nut. I guess you’ll be glued to the television for the big race?

You bet! I wouldn’t miss it.

Think Big Brown will pull it off?

Ah. So you’re talking about the Belmont in Elmont? I thought you meant the Lithuanian baby races, which I get on my satellite dish. My money is on Banga Sakalauske. I know a guy who knows her personal trainer, and…never mind, I’ve said too much already.

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