You know, I like top ten lists as much as anybody else, but I have to wonder who thought this one was useful. We have this story on somebody’s list of the top ten “Hell on Earth” spots.

You could knock me over with a feather, but it turns out you should avoid Papua New Guinea. It seems they have lots of disease, and wild gangs that use machine guns in bank robberies. Another bad place is Chernobyl, Ukraine, unless you  enjoy radiation much more than most people do.

Also make a note to bypass Yakutsk, Russia, even if it means an inconvenient detour. Temperatures often drop below -58 degrees Fahrenheit there.

But wait, there are more surprises! Another hell on Earth is a place called Baghdad, in Iraq! “Uh-oh, Sweetie! Is it too late to get our deposit back on that package deal to Iraq, Somalia, Burundi and Oklahoma?”

Slideshow from Hell

Gas masks are seen in a kindergarten in the abandoned town of Pripyat, in the 19-mile  exclusion zone around the closed Chernobyl nuclear power plant, in a 2006 photo (top left.)  REUTERS/Damir Sagolj

Aerial view of a house being carried with ice by the waters of the Lena river outside Yakutsk in a 2001 photo (bottom left.) REUTERS/Viktor Korotayev

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Blog Guy, I’m the reader who collects pictures of rich people eating ice cream. You really helped me out with that shot of Warren Buffett and a popsicle. I’m expanding my collection to include prominent leaders eating ice cream, and I wonder if you have anything to contribute. 

I was able to come up with shots of the two Democratic presidential candidates eating ice cream. Moreover, they reflect diversity. It turns out Hillary Clinton is a cup person, while Barack Obama is a cone guy.

I was less successful with McCain, who seems happy to just look at ice cream.  And then there’s Britain’s Prince Charles, who appears about to shove ice cream up his nose.  That might be a whole new area for expanding your collection, no?

Charles, REUTERS/Barry Batchelor
Clinton, REUTERS/Jason Reed
McCain,  REUTERS/ John Sommers II
Obama, REUTERS/Keith Bedford

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Just what we need, another frickin’ super hero. This one’s “Fusion Man,” and check out the slideshow. I guess he has an okay act, if you’re impressed by a macho hunk soaring majestically over the Alps in a rocket suit, nothing below him but miles of blue sky. But I worry that all the good super personas have been taken, leaving nothing for guys like me.

I need something just a little safer, so I’m trademarking my own super character, “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man!” Picture the scene:

“Someone PLEASE help me! Ruffians have grabbed my duty-free Chivas Regal!”

“Fear not, gentle lady! “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man” is on their trail!”

“But they’re running, and you’re barely moving on that sidewalk! You’re an imbecile!”

“No need to thank me, ma’am, just doing what’s right…”

Related post: I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

Former professional Swiss military pilot Yves Rossy, also known as “Fusionman,” soars in the sky like a rocketeer in the southern Swiss Alps near Bex May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

Blog Guy,

My boyfriend says the hottest new thing is zombie comedy clubs. Is this true?

Yes. Just because they’re zombies doesn’t mean they don’t want to be entertained. Indeed, modern zombies make up the largest single demographic for reality TV shows.

If you decide to go to a zombie club, some things to remember:

• If you see people lurching, don’t say “Geez, are THEY hammered!” They probably aren’t.
• Don’t make smalltalk about sucking blood. That’s a whole different group of creeps.
• Zombie humor can be tedious. The punchline to every joke is “And then I ate their brains!”
• Whatever you do, DON’T order the house chili!

More posts about Zombies

Members of laughter clubs participate in rally to commemorate  “World Laughter Day” in Chandigarh, India, May 4, 2008.  REUTERS/Ajay Verma

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Gold forearm, she’s the girl, the girl with the Midas touch,
It’s a bit much,
Gold forearm, she’s been kissed, with bracelets stacked on her wrist,
Can’t make a fist,
Trendy places she’d like to have gone,
But the airlines won’t let her get on,
When this golden girl is walking her ferrets,
All her limbs are 18 carats…
Gold forearm…

Memo to fashion show security staff: Somebody has raided the models’ bracelet cabinet. We need to find the jewelry before the show. Whomever did the job must have hidden it, because nobody is tacky enough to wear all of it at one time. Keep your eyes open…

More posts about jewelry

Model displays gold jewelry ahead of the Hindu festival of Akshaya Tritiya at a showroom in southern Indian city of Hyderabad May 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Krishnendu Halder

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In recent months I’ve informed readers about  pointless and shabby remakes of movies such as The Great Escape, Splash, The Birds, etc. Why can’t they leave the classics alone?

The latest seems to be an updated version of Spartacus, the 1960 epic starring Catherine Zeta-Jones’ father-in-law. From what I’ve heard, this is an anemic shadow of the original.

Who can forget the most famous scene, a mass crucifixion along the Appian Way. Compare that with this cheesy image from the new verion. I mean, guys just wearing crosses in their belts, that wouldn’t fool a gerbil, if gerbils watched movies. My advice, just go rent the original and watch it on your Betamax at home.

(Above, Spartacus publicity photo)

Paramilitary police maintain correct posture with crosses on their backs during a training session at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/ Stringer

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We have video of a hair stylist trying for a world record by using 10 scissors to cut a woman’s hair. How did that conversation go?

“Morning, Miss Todd. Mind if I use 10 sharp scissors to slash into your hair like an industrial shredder?”

“That’s fine, Andre. Keep those blades going as fast as you can. Don’t worry about scratching up my face, that’s what stitches are for.”

I like to think she went from there to her dentist: “Miss Todd, I’m trying to set a world record for getting the most Novocaine into a jaw in one minute. Yeah, the secret is, I use an amnio needle! Will that be a problem for you?

More posts about hair:

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A tour company in Rio de Janeiro is in trouble because along with taking people on tours of the city’s notorious slums, it has been arranging for tourists to meet with genuine armed drug traffickers, and even have pictures taken with them. Who knew there was a market for that?

But here’s the best part. Instead of denying it, the guy from the tour firm in question said yeah, he does have tours like that, but “I’m not the only one.” Ah, good to know there’s competition.

“Mr. Soprano! Can I call you Tony? Sorry to barge into your Bada Bing! office here. Can you just stand between me and the little woman for a snapshot? Yeah, keep that real mean look! Say, can you kind of point that gun at me, Tony?”

James Gandolfini: REUTERS/Phil McCarten

Brazilian police recover body of alleged drug trafficker in Rocinha shantytown of Rio de Janeiro in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Bruno Domingos

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Recently I told you about Friedrich Schiller, the famous German writer. Folks dug up a skull they thought was his, and then 100 years later they dug up another and debated which one was really him.

Then they dug up the remains of his son and grandson for DNA comparisons, and dug up the grandson’s WIFE, because once you start digging up skulls, it’s so hard to stop.

Well. Scientists have finished testing, and I can tell you which was Schiller. NEITHER one! Yes, those dudes exhumed several generations of Schillers, their spouses, pets, neighbors and proctologists, just to amass a stack of skulls belonging to no one in particular.

So now they have a huge supply of Certified Nobody Skulls which I’m guessing will show up soon on eBay. I just hope they’ve learned a valuable lesson: when famous people die, decapitate them on the spot and save a lot of Sturm und Drang later.

One of the skulls that isn’t Schiller’s is tested. REUTERS/ Handout/MDR

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Uh, you mean there are more?

Oh sure. That country has a canine gang war problem like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking about the Burger Kings of Hamburg, the Hot Dogs of Frankfurt, the Smelly Shi Tsus of Cologne, the Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden…

Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden? Now that’s just silly!

Yeah? I wouldn’t let a Barker hear you say that.

A French bulldog has a mock up of a cigar in its mouth as it sits in a toy car during a dog show in Dortmund, Germany, May 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Ina Fassbender

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