Blog Guy, you don’t know me… You never saw me, we never had this conversation. I know you help people with certain fashion needs find appropriate attire. I represent the 42 million people in the Witness Protection Program. When you’re disguised all the time, it’s not easy to look chic.

Wait a minute. There are 42 million of us?

Us? You’re in the program?  Hey, clever disguise, doing a blog that anybody in the world can read. Then you know we have parties, cruises, WPP discounts… So is anybody creating fashions for us?

You bet. Check out this stuff from a new collection unveiled in Paris a couple of days ago. It’s perfect! I bought six new outfits.

Fantastic! I’ll spread it around in our monthly newsletter! Hey, wait a minute, Blog Guy. I think I know you! Were you the dude who came with us on that trip to Belgium, and called yourself  Smitty? I remember that time you….

Shut UP! Thanks a lot. Now I have to start all over again.

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Models present creations by Israeli-American designer Alber Elbaz and Lucas Ossendrijver of the Netherlands for fashion house Lanvin as part of his men’s Spring-Summer 2010 fashion collection in Paris June 28, 2009.

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“Versace and Gucci…started their shows with men dressed in white or pale creams. Versace also showed comfort with unbuttoned tunics and safari-like jackets…”
– Reuters story from Milan Fashion Week

Blog Guy, I know you write a lot about haute couture. Where do the big designers get ideas for their creations?

I hate to boast, but sometimes they get them from me. For instance, here’s me with Donatella Versace at a recent dinner. She complimented me on my rented tuxedo and said, “Bob, what kind of crapola should I sell next season?”

“Donna,” I replied,  “you can’t go wrong with whites and pale creams, unbuttoned tunics and safari jackets.”

Then, as you can see here, she smiled that radiant smile of hers and said, “Bob, you’re a genius! Why didn’t I think of that my own self?”

The rest is history, if you read the coverage of Milan Fashion Week.

Blog Guy, is even one PATHETIC word of that story true?

Not really, no. I did tell her to go with elastic waistbands because lots of guys are putting on weight and can’t buckle their belts anymore, but she didn’t listen to me.

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Above: photo by Maggie Fox

Left: Models present creations as part of the Versace Spring/ Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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Quick quiz: Where would be a really stupid place to sell booze?

a) churches

b) kindergartens

c) hospitals

d) gas stations

Okay, they’re all pretty stupid, but I guess I’m going to say gas stations, because you really can buy liquor there in Lithuania. I’m not making this up.

But in a clear example of jack-booted repression, on January 1 it became illegal for gas stations to sell liquor at night.

I mean, what could go wrong with a carload of yokels pulling off the highway, filling their tank, buying a couple of handles of vodka and roaring off into the darkness?

To answer an obvious question, police data show that alcohol-related accidents have dropped by 45 percent since the ban was imposed. Nevertheless, an oil and gas company is fighting the ban, saying it may force them to start closing their stations at night and laying off workers.

Well boo-hoo! My own personal opinion is that they should continue the ban at gas stations, and just sell their booze at highway toll booths, instead.

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Above: Women play in mud during international music festival “Be2gether” in Lithuania, June 13, 2009. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

Left: A man flashes a victory sign as more than 150 truck and bus drivers take part in a protest against the rising price of fuel in Vilnius, Lithuania, in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Ints Kalnins

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Blog Guy, I recently graduated from college with a major in creative writing and a minor in film studies. What sort of job should I be looking for?

Can you juggle?

What? You mean like tennis balls?

No, more like chainsaws. Ones that are actually running. If you check out the photo below, I think there may be an opening when Stumpy here “retires.”

We already know that his assistant, Lefty, isn’t going to move up in the organization.

Maybe you didn’t understand me. I said creative writing and film studies. Shouldn’t I command something better than chainsaw-juggling?

Of course, my mistake. Do you think you could bend a horseshoe with your teeth?

Yes, thanks! That’s more like it!

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Above: Rainer Schroeder, 48, from Germany, bends a horseshoe with his teeth to set a new World Record during the Impossibility Challenger in Dachau, north of Munich June 21, 2009.

Left: Milan Roskopf, of Slovakia, juggles three motor saws during the Impossibility Challenger.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, I’ve got 54 seconds to waste. Hit me with something bizarre.

Did you already try the Tarzan yell video?

That’s over a minute. I’ve only got 54 seconds.

Everybody’s always in a hurry nowadays! Okay, watch this video of a Malaysian kung fu master as he pierces four coconuts with his finger in just over 30 seconds.

But why would anybody want to do that?

Are you kidding? Can you imagine how fast he can make piña coladas? You watch this amazing 54-second clip and you’ll say, “I’d gladly pay five bucks for a piña colada at that dude’s tropical beach bar!

This is your lucky day! We’re looking for investors right now for  “Wadda Colada!” Are you in? Huh? You wanna be rich?

I used up my 54 seconds just reading this. D’oh!

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Afternoon, Mr. Johnson, we’re the whippers you called for. You know, from Acme Whipping and Lawn Care.

You probably saw our ad in the Yellow Pages: “Acme, we can whip anybody!”

Dressed funny? Heck no, this is normal whipper attire for summertime. We do most of our work outdoors. Matter of fact, these are spanking-new duds we bought at the Milan Fashion Show, over there in Italy.

Zorro? Nah, that’s just Floyd in that black mask. He’s got some warrants out on him and it’s easier if he just hides his face.

So, whatcha got that needs whippin’, Mr. Johnson? Some adulterers? Horse thieves? Liberals?

Oh, I know what you’re wonderin’ about, Mr. Johnson. This long string dangling out of my shorts. It’s just my little joke. Go ahead, pull it. See what happens!

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Models present creations as part of the Vivienne Westwood Spring/Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, my friend and I are two young women who have a musical duo. We play violin and tuba.

Interesting, I’m betting there isn’t much competition in that niche market.

No, indeed. If you want a violin and tuba duo, you pretty much have to come to us.

Here’s our problem. When we show up to play a gig we like to be treated like guests until it’s time for our show, but we stick out like a sore thumb with our instrument cases. Suggestions?

Yeah, I know a hairdresser who can help hide your horn and violin until it’s time to perform. Nobody will even guess what you do.

That’s fantastic! Of course, the duo may not last much longer anyway. My partner dreams of living in the Caribbean. She wants to take her tuba to Aruba.

Don’t tell me she likes to scuba!

Okay.

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Models present creations during a hair show in Budapest June 20, 2009. REUTERS/ Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, it’s a rainy Saturday where I am. Hit me with something stupid. And I mean this had better be Grade A stupid!

Okay, how about this video from a Paris exhibit all about Tarzan.

I’m a bit wary of that. How do I know I won’t learn something?

Trust me. Nobody will ever learn anything from my blog. If you want to learn something, read the story. This video just shows how you can try out your own Tarzan yell.

Tarzan yell?

 ”Or-ah-uh-ah-aaah-ah-uh-ah-uh-aah!!”

Hey, thanks, Blog Guy, that’s plenty stupid enough for me on a rainy Saturday!

Check out the video report

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Above: Johnny Weissmuller as Tarzan

Left: A visitor looks at pictures during the exhibition “Tarzan!” at the Quai Branly Museum in Paris June 16, 2009.  REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer 

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If you weren’t convinced the world is going to hell from reading my post on the Heart Attack Grill, here’s an item that should put you over the top.

You know how, after a hard day of work, you really want to find somebody to belittle and demean and taunt?

Yeah, me neither. But now there’s this bar that actually encourages its customers to insult the staff, and even gives free drinks for really creative abuse. Seriously.

“When you come in after work, you can swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said one happy customer.

Here’s what I think would be REALLY neat. I like to imagine that as this bar gets more publicity, people will come from farther away to try their abuse, and some of them will accidentally go to the bar across the street. The one owned and staffed by twisted psychopaths and recently released homicidal maniacs.

I’ll just sip my drink and watch the fun.

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Above: A boat sails past buildings at the coast line of Cullera, Spain, where the bar is located, March 27, 2009. REUTERS/Heino Kalis

Below: Co-owner Michal Lotocki (L) and a customer argue and insult each other in a friendly way at the ‘Casa Pocho’ bar in Cullera, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Heino Kalis

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Welcome back to my regular feature, “Bad Places to Nap.” Like for example the tattoo parlor, as we saw yesterday, or a railroad track.

People often say to me, “Bob, what are the very worst places to fall asleep?”

In my book, number one would be Somalia. Following that, in the number two slot, is anyplace where a 1955 Chevy Bel Air could fall off a wall and squash you.

Here we see a security guard making the mistake hundreds of people make each year, spotting a wall-mounted Bel Air and nodding off underneath it. Most of them never wake up.

What all classic car fanciers know is that the wall-hangers that came with the Bel Air were notoriously unreliable and shouldn’t even have been used to hang an automobile half its size.

Out of consideration for the squeamish, I’m going to spare you the photo that was taken just ten minutes after this one.

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A security guard sleeps under a car displayed on a wall at Walking Street in Pattaya, a resort town about 90 miles south of Bangkok, June 15, 2009. REUTERS/Sukree Sukplang

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