Blog Guy, you seem to know a lot about nature. Can swans fly?

No. They can neither fly nor swim.

What? Hold on, I’ve SEEN swans swimming in lakes and rivers and stuff!

No, you’ve seen swans, which have very long legs, PRETENDING to swim. Mostly, though, they prefer to travel by boat.

Is that right? And where are they going in these photos?

Well, first they’re going to the doctor, and then for a treat they’re going to the ballet.

Which ballet?

“Swan Lake,” of course.

Sigh. I know I’ll regret asking this, but why are they going to the doctor?

Don’t you read the papers? It’s time for swan flu vaccinations

Blog Guy, that’s moronic even by your standards.

Yeah, but I have tickets to a good show, so this will have to be my…

No! Don’t say it!

Swan song…

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Swan keeper Olaf Niess watches swans sitting in boats after he and council workers rounded up them from Hamburg’s inner city lake Alster November 23, 2009. Every year the swans are collected from waterways around the northern German city of Hamburg and taken to winter quarters where they are fed and cared for until the spring. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

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Blog Guy, I’m back again. It’s me, the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been mentoring.

How do you keep finding me? I’ve had my death notice put in several newspapers!

DNA doesn’t lie. Anyhow, I was assigned to shoot a beauty pageant in Spain, and I wanted you to critique my photo.

Hmmmm. The pageant was in Spain, but where were you?

Morocco. I used a very long lens.

Here’s a tip. It works better if you’re in the same country as the contestants. All I see here is a building with some balconies, with shrubbery on the ground floor.

Those are the women! In swimsuits. Between the shrubs.

Let me ask a question. Why didn’t you get back even further away from the women?

Because then I would have been in Algeria. That would be stupid!

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Contestants in the Miss Sevilla pageant pose during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, I know all contact sports have risks. Boxing, football, fencing, they can all take their toll. Is there any threat that is especially common to soccer players?

Absolutely. There is the tragedy of soccer blindness, as seen here in these terrifying photos. It afflicts hundreds of players every year, usually during an actual game.

Is it curable?

Yes, the player’s sight usually returns after someone leads him to the shower.

Blog Guy, I don’t want to second-guess your obvious expertise here, but it just looks like this guy’s shirt rode up on his face, and covered his eyes. I mean, it looks that simple.

You know nothing about it. For instance, in addition to loss of sight, the player in these photos complained of lack of smell and an “unusual tightness” across his cheeks.

He also suffered arm and wrist injuries trying to get into the locker room.

I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Are they researching this cursed condition?

Yes, and I’m sure they’ll set up a charity soon. Please give generously. This athlete has suffered enough.

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Getafe’s Francisco Javier Casquero celebrates a goal against Espanyol during their Spanish first division soccer match at Cornella-El Prat stadium, near Barcelona, November 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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You all know me, I’m not a judgmental kind of guy. But on some rare occasions I DO form strong opinions, and gosh darn it, if I’m not careful I’m afraid I’ll go after somebody with this pickle fork I’m holding.

What do I see on our photo file? Levi Johnston at TWO glitzy Los Angeles galas in one evening, including the GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party.

In one of the photos, he’s shown with his “bodyguard.” I am not making this up.

I won’t bother telling you who this guy is - if you’ve been awake at some point over the past 18 months you already know - but cripes! Men of the year? Levi Johnston?

I can only presume, then, that former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Lenny and Squiggy and Ratso Rizzo, all equally deserving, were not available?

Hey look, Levi, you ever seen a pickle fork? Say, what time does your bodyguard go home?

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Combo, clockwise: Levi Johnston (R), who fathered a child with Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin,is escorted by his bodyguard at US Weekly party in West Hollywood, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Former candidate John Edwards in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff HAYNES

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wipes his eyes as he speaks to the media and admits to an extramarital affair, in Columbia, South Carolina, June 24, 2009.  REUTERS/Erik Campos

Lenny and Squiggy, “Laverne and Shirley” publicity shot

Lower right: Levi Johnston at the 14th annual GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party in Los Angeles, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Lower left: Ratso Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy” publicity shot

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Quick quiz: This traditional folk festival in Colombia….

• Commemorates the native people’s struggle for freedom
• Is nearly 300 years old
• Features colorful horseback choreography
• Is a majestic tribute to Marge Simpson

Wait a minute, Blog Guy! If it’s 300 years old, how could it have anything to do with a 20th century cartoon character? Do you get my point?

I do indeed. Thanks for setting me straight, stranger.

And readers, please come back tomorrow for photos from the 200th anniversary of Seattle’s Betty and Veronica Festival…

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Performers dressed as natives take part in a traditional folk festival in San Martin in the province of Meta November 15, 2009. The annual festival, which has at least 270 years of history, commemorates the native people’s struggle for freedom against Spanish colonization. REUTERS/John Vizcaino

Marge Simpson on Playboy cover…

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Blog Guy, you must be familiar with the works of the prophetic writer Nostradamus. What was the three-word phrase which he predicted would trigger the end of life as we know it?

You know very well what the phrase is.

Yeah, but I want to see it in your blog.

Fine. It’s “turd-shaped balloon.” Are you happy?

The only reason I’m willing to use it is that it showed up in a photo caption this week, so the cosmic chain of events has now begun. We are told in this actual caption that folks in a protest march are carrying a “turd-shaped balloon.”

Where on earth do you even go to BUY such a thing?

I suppose Turd-Shaped Balloons R Us.

“So this is the best turd-shaped balloon you sell, Mr. Johnson? Gosh, it looks more like one of those swirly chocolate cones from a frozen yogurt chain.

“I don’t mean to seem critical, I’m just not sure it’s completely obvious what it is. Could you perhaps, you know… You won’t? Oh. Well, is there any way we could make the balloon stink?”

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Above: People carry a turd-shaped balloon during a march to protest against the lifting of a U.S. beef ban by the Taiwan government, in Taipei November 14, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

Below: Nostradamus portrait

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Okay, I’m big enough to admit when I was wrong.

I’ve devoted several items recently to a wild conspiracy theory about a nefarious plot by prominent people who wear white hats to secretly identify themselves to each other.

Readers pointed out photos of everybody from Brad Pitt and the Dalai Lama to Madonna and boxer Jake “Raging Bull” LaMotta, and I poked fun at their theories.

Needless to say, that was before I saw a video clip on our own reuters.com of actress Salma Hayek in Cairo, spouting absolute gibberish about taking her kid to the Pyramids and crap like that.

The piece is so totally devoid of news value that it could ONLY have been filed for the conspiracy, to share a coded message from Hayek in her white hat.

Of course, since this clip was posted by one of my own colleagues, now would be the point in any slasher movie where I would learn that the call came from inside the house.

So now that I have no idea who I can trust, I’m going underground. I’ll blog from an undisclosed location and watch my back. Come to think of it, that’s not much of a change for me.

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

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Blog Guy, you blogged several times about the missing skull of German writer Friedrich Schiller. I see there’s another famous missing skull now, belonging to Australian outlaw Ned Kelly.

Right. Ned, whose real name was Ed, was the son of Red. Ned was a bushranger and killer, whose gang wore body armor that made them nearly unstoppable.

Wow. What’s a bushranger?

It’s Australian for what we would call a big fat dumbass. Ned and his gang were finally stopped in an 1880 shootout at an Australian inn, I guess sort of like an Outback Steakhouse or something.

Ned was captured and hanged. His skull was stolen, but now it may have been found.

Do you think this really is his skull?

Probably. If you look closely at the video screen grab above, you can see “E. Kelly” carved in the skull. I can’t see anybody else doing something that painful to himself.

Geez, Blog Guy, couldn’t ANYBODY have just carved that into this skull, ANYTIME?

Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that! I like it, because it makes room for my own personal pet theory.

Which is?

This is really the skull of  Friedrich Schiller.

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Body armor of Ned Kelly, on display at the State Library of Victoria in Melbourne, March 13, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

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Blog Guy, I see you’re Mister Travel Blogger these days. What’s the hot new trend in leisure travel?

These days, lots of readers come to me and say, “Bob, we’re tired of staying in luxury hotels when we travel. We would prefer to experience what it’s like to be a small rodent.”

Really? You get that a lot?

All the time. So I tell them about “Hamster’s Villa,” over there in France, where for $148 you can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a six-foot wheel to run in.

You just run and that wheel goes around and you don’t get anywhere?

Exactly. So what do you do, stranger?

I’m an office worker. You know, cubicle, conference calls, spreadsheets, the usual.

Cool. So then the Hamster Villa would be a real change of pace for you, huh?

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French architect Frederic Tabary poses inside the “Hamster’s Villa”, imagined and conceived by Tabary together with architect Yann Falquerho, in Nantes, France, November 8, 2009. For 99 euros ($148) a night, guests can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a wheel to run in. REUTERS/Stephane Mahe

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When people have to be told not to do something that is obviously extremely stupid - like texting while driving, for instance - it’s a definite sign of the approaching Apocalypse.

And when you even have to make LAWS against the really stupid stuff, like banning folks from watching TV while they drive, that’s an even more threatening sign.

But when a court overturns one of those laws, and says the thing is actually legal no matter HOW stupid it is, well, bring in the patio furniture, Betsy, the Apocalypse is here!

That’s what happened in South Korea, where a court has ruled that watching TV while you’re driving IS legal.

This would be insane anywhere, but South Korea?

All you have to do is be watching an “I Love Lucy” rerun on your dashboard TV, and miss that big sign that says, “Last exit before North Korea,” and before you know it, you’re out of gas in the Axis of Evil.

And then you’ve REALLY got some ’splainin’ to do!

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Top: Reuters video screen grab

Bottom: “I Love Lucy” screen grab

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