Oddly Enough Blog

The best goofy but true stories from 2011

As I said recently in a post which began a countdown to tomorrow’s final entry in this blog, one of the things I have enjoyed most is presenting stories that are goofy but true.

Sure, it’s fun to make up funny stuff and riff on news photos, but real life often finds a way to top me.

Here are my seven favorite TRUE stories featured in my blog this year.

7. Come over to my yard for a fling?

We’ve had fun with an epidemic of consumer product recalls this year, but I still break out laughing over this one, a hammock that was recalled because its wooden stand may break ““if left outdoors.”

6. Wouldn’t hanging them be more humane?

You’ve got till tomorrow to pay up, pal…

Blog Guy, I know you’re following the New Hampshire primary closely for your readers. All state primaries follow pretty much the same format, right?

Not at all. The New Hampshire race mainly involves a series of physical challenges between hopefuls and local voters. The one who wins the most fights wins the primary.

Wait just a minute, Blog Guy. Is that really true?

Sure. Here you can see former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney arm-wrestling a barber in Manchester. Romney beat the guy.

And here on the right is a photo of almost-candidate Donald Trump, picking a fight with a New Hampshire resident a few months ago. It’s a very brutal system.

Sorry, you’re not my type…

Hey Blog Guy, it’s me!

Who?

Me! The guy who talks to you in italics so you can carry on pretend conversations in your blog everyday.

You really EXIST? I always thought those conversations were just voices in my head.

I can’t believe you don’t even recognize me. I’ve been working for you for years, playing the dumb guy, acting the straight man in the comedy team while you got all the laughs, being annoyed by your misinformation and puns, and now that your blog is ending in a couple of weeks, you want nothing to do with me?

Jeez, what suddenly made you so bold?

Get whiter teeth, with twice the pain

Blog Guy, I read about a place in France that has made great strides in whitening teeth. Can you tell me more?

You’re in luck. I don’t actually read French, but then again I can make up stuff from looking at photos no matter where they were taken.

It scares me to death that that makes any sense to me at all, Blog Guy. So how does this method work?

I believe the technique involves biting on a gel-filled mouthpiece, which reacts to ultraviolet light.

Jeez Blog Guy, if you’re going to invent outrageous stuff, try to make it believable!

I’m so sorry, let me try it again. It looks to me as though the technique involves pulling ALL your teeth, mounting them on upright posts, bleaching them all to the same shade, and then painfully screwing them back into your mouth, one excruciating twist at a time.

The worst fashions? Manure couture…

Blog Guy, I mainly come here for your coverage of really bad fashion. You do show us ALL the worst creations, right?

Of course I do. Except the stuff I need to protect my readers from, of course. But everything else gets…

Wait a second, Blog Guy. Nobody asked you to protect us.

We can take it, no matter how bad it is. We DEMAND to see the worst runway designs this year, and we want to see them now!

But I don’t think…

Don’t make me go to your boss, Blog Guy.

Well, look who’s behind bars!

Blog Guy, I know you cover all the big fashion shows, and my sister-in-law’s ventriloquist told me there were some HUGE celebs at Lisbon Fashion Week this year. Can you give us some names?

I can do much better than that, I can show you pictures. Here is you-know-who, above, making a very rare public appearance…

Wait a minute, Blog Guy. You’ve put one of those rectangular censorship bars over her face, so I’m not quite sure who that is.

No, that’s not my style. My readers know that I always use the salmon-colored censorship bars, as you can see here on the right. I’m afraid that black bar is an actual accessory.

So she’s really wearing that?

Of course! She wore it just in case nobody recognizes her anymore. The very, very famous often do that in public, to draw attention to themselves so they can complain about not having privacy.

Then, with flames licking at her heels…

Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.

Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.

It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”

Those things look like a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado, Lamar. And not in a good way.

The dorsal fins help stabilize a chick when she’s running for meetings, Boss, and the flames actually light up as she runs!

Why would you want that, Lamar?

I’ve got all your spam, Ronald!

Believe it or not, I’ve found something even more irritating than getting spam.

Getting SOMEBODY ELSE’S spam.

Just when I thought unwanted e-mails couldn’t get any stupider, along come some spammers mistaking me for a guy named RONALD Basler. The actual screen grab above shows just a small sampling of the offers Ronald is getting at my e-mail address.

Judging from Ronald’s spam, which I presume is carefully targeted to his personal needs, he may be going through some hard times.

Ronald gets frequent offers of depression treatments, along with information about how the stimulus package can help him cllimb out of debt. Gosh, it even looks like his roof leaks and his oil needs changing.

I gather Ronald is looking for a new job, and there are opportunities for him as a nurse, an ultrasound technician, a school counselor and a pharmacy assistant.

Get my cell phone, Hon, it’s in the toilet…

Blog Guy, like most of your readers, I come here for news about toilets, which you cover better than anybody else. I was wondering, are women’s bathroom habits any different from men’s, apart from the obvious?

They may be, judging from a new survey of women.  Among other things, the survey asked about items that women accidentally drop in the toilet. Money, jewelry, medicine, toothbrushes…

It turns out the most commonly dropped item is the cell phone, which gives me an idea for a million dollar app – a smart phone that automatically switches to Speaker Mode when submerged.

Wow! If you want investors, I’m in, Blog Guy! What else?

The survey found on average an item has to cost at least $75 before a woman will fish it out of the toilet. Fully 16 percent said that NO item was worth going after in the toilet. My own guess is, when that Xanax bottle drops, you’re going to see some fast splashing.

A substantial number of women say they always turn on the exhaust fan, even in their own home, which is probably the last sound you want to hear when you’re talking to them on the phone. Well, maybe the second-to-the-last sound.

Is that Pig Latin, Mr. President?

Blog Guy, I was surprised to see you missed “Talk Like a Pirate Day” this week. It was fun!

Oh please. All that “ahoy” and “matey” stuff? Sorry, I waited for today instead, when we talk like presidential pirates.

You mean like U.S. Presidents would talk if they were pirates?

Yes, if the presidential pirates also spoke in Pig Latin. Welcome to “Presidential Pirate Pig Latin Day.”

I’m going to need to see how this works, Blog Guy.

Look, what’s the most famous presidential quote of the last 200 years?