Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Good news, guys, we’re gettin’ uniforms!

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Okay staff, I’ve called this meeting because it’s come to my attention that the men here are dressing like slobs. You women are fine, it’s just the guys. Am I right, Lamar?

You sure are, Boss! As usual!

I mean, I’m not sure what we do here, but I do know if a client ever shows up, we need to look good. So I sent Lamar to Fashion Week in Istanbul to buy clothes for all the men. Let’s see what you brought back, Lamar…

Sure. Feast your eyes on these duds! This little item on the right features comfortable short pants, a bow tie, a short jacket and multicolored wingtips! Huh? Huh?

Cripes, what’s the name of this fashion collection, Lamar?

They call it Circumcision, Boss.

Circumcision, huh? Yeah, that sounds about right. I asked you to bring TWO choices, Lamar.  Boys, raise your hands if you want to go with Plan B.

Nobody booed, and the players were nude?

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Okay, Blog Guy, it’s been two weeks since you wrote about any stupid sports. You must have something by now.

I sure do. Let’s turn our attention to rugby.

Hey, rugby may be foreign, but it’s not stupid!

It is when you play it naked, like the Nude Blacks of New Zealand.

Naked rugby! Who do they play against?

Last weekend they played a female Spanish team. The women wore clothes, as you can see here, and they played before a crowd of 1,500 people.

I Hope You’re Proud Of Yourself!

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Hey Blog Guy, it’s September 14th. This is the day you announce the coveted annual I Hope You’re Proud Of Yourself! award.

Yes, I’m sorry for the delay. I was all set to give this year’s trophy to the folks at that Tea Party presidential debate on Monday.

How I spent my macho vacation…

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Blog Guy, I need some of your famous travel advice. I’m a fairly dimwitted guy who never really grew up. Life hasn’t gone my way, and I need an experience to make me feel like I’m somebody.

So you’re looking for something you can brag about on Facebook, no matter how shallow it is, to keep your pathetic imitation of life going for another year?

Welcome to the Barney Fife Pistol Range

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Blog Guy, I hope you can help me. My chiropractor’s beekeeper just gave me a 9 mm pistol for Labor Day, and I’m wondering…

Wait. You and your chiropractor’s beekeeper exchange Labor Day gifts?

Yeah, it’s just a little tradition going back to the 2008 Oscars. Anyway, I’d like to use it, but I don’t actually want to fire real bullets. Any ideas?

It’s not even like gambling at all…

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Blog Guy, I have some extra money this month and I was thinking of trying that online gambling thing. Do you know how it works?

Why sure, you came to the right place. Let’s start with online poker.

Okie-dokie.

I’m dealing each of us a hand right now. Let’s see. You got a pair of queens.

This restroom ain’t for resting, pal…

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Blog Guy, last year you wrote about a business that was putting timers in their toilets, so that the lights would turn off after 10 minutes, even if the employees weren’t finished.

I wondered if anybody else is experimenting with ways to get people to spend less time in the bathroom?

Look, Honey, a free vacation cruise!

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We may have hit the acme of absurdity. We should plant our flag and turn back.

Let me explain. I work at home, and I am interrupted daily by automated calls trying  to fool me in some way. I don’t believe it should be legal to intrude on privacy like this, but I don’t make the laws.

Last week, I answered a robotic call and heard, “Congratulations! This household has been selected to receive an absolutely free vacation cruise! Press one for more information, or two to be taken off the list.”

If it ain’t broke, don’t call us…

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Hello, thank you for calling Lamar’s Fix-It and Fried Okra Shop. How may I direct your call?

What do you mean direct my call? You have different departments?

No, just the fried okra and repair thing. You know our motto, “If it ain’t broke, we’ll pretend to fix it anyway.”

What’s in your artisanal arsenel?

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Blog Guy, I’m confused. Suddenly I’m seeing the words “artisan” and “artisanal” attached to all kinds of products. Cheeses, chocolates, liquors, soaps… What does it all mean?

That’s easy. It means they can get by with charging a lot more money for that stuff.