Last week I reported on the stupid sport of Appliance Golf, and now I’ve got something even dumber. It’s Vertical Soccer, which combines two of my least-favorite things: strenuous exercise and hanging from great heights.

These are actual photos showing players dangling while trying to score vertical goals. The perfect sport for folks with way too much spare time, and not a lot of reason to live.

Here’s the thing. I’m not worried about the players. Guys like this, if they weren’t doing this particular stupid thing, would be doing some other stupid thing. The people I worry about are the innocent passers-by down below. Someday, one of them is going to be flattened by a falling vertical soccer player, and what a very humiliating obituary that’s going to make.

Coming next week, Vertical Bowling.

A man tries to score on a vertical soccer field during a public viewing event at Munich’s airport June 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

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Quick quiz: which of these are really great homemade?

a) fresh peach ice cream
b) blueberry pie
c) buttermilk biscuits
d) submarines

Exactly. Not the subs. Submarines just seem better when they’re made in a shipyard, not some bozo’s hobby shop. Yet despite my warnings in posts like Gosh, this sub really dives fast!, there is now a whole frickin’ FLEET of homemade subs smuggling cocaine from Colombia. They found nine last year alone! 

I’m talking to you recent college grads now. No matter how glamorous a career in the Homemade Submarine Service may sound, don’t go for it. If you’re gonna be submerged for weeks at a time, you want a better propulsion system than just shouting “Go-Go-Gadget,” don’t you? 

Related posts: This bathroom door is just painted on! 

Submersibles used to smuggle cocaine under water to avoid detection, in Buenaventura, Colombia. Photos taken in June, 2008. REUTERS/Jaime Saldarriaga

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This is the feel-good story of the month. It seems this woman trying to make “manure bombs” slipped into a tank of dung and fled the crime scene, naked. Police found her clothing in a field.

Now, a couple of observations. First, if it takes the cops more than 20 minutes to find her, they really suck. A naked, manure-covered chick  in a rural area stands out, except maybe during sorority hazing week. No guy in a car is going to pick her up, because, well, naked or not, a guy has to draw the line somewhere.

The other thing is, police say there were actually TWO women. The other one, who didn’t fall in, stuck around to help pull her naked friend out of the manure, which is far more than I would do for anybody I know. If this doesn’t put her on the fast track to sainthood, then what kind of world are we living in?

A man pours cow manure into his homemade biofuel producer in the community of Guazapa, El Salvador, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Luis Galdamez

Blog Guy, I have a pop music question. Are the Village People still together? I always liked them. Macho, macho man, I want to be a macho man…

Funny you should ask. I ran across a photo of them preforming in Europe, just yesterday. Looks like they’ve dropped the Native American and the biker, and added a few more police, but they still put on a good show.

A Polish worker takes part in a protest against pressure from the bloc to slash output at the struggling Gdansk shipyard, during a rally outside the European Commission headquarters in Brussels, June 25, 2008. REUTERS/ Yves Herman

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Meet Jimmy, the First Mower. You know, the guy who cuts grass for the First Family at the White House.

Now, this may seem like a great summer job, but there are problems…

- The First Lady never picks up the dog poop, so good luck with your shoes.

- Old Man Bush always hollers out the screen door: “Stop that racket, I’m nappin’!”

- Getting paid. Bush never has money. He just says, “I’ll gitcha in Febuary, son.”

- Refilling the mower. Just TRY opening a gas can outside the Oval Office!

A National Park Service employee mows the lawn outside the Oval Office at the White House, June 25, 2008. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

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Blog Guy, I heard that in China most firefighters are women. Is that true?

Apparently, judging from some new photos. Here, you can see a number of firewomen sliding down the poles in their firehouse, heading for action.

Um, I can’t help noticing they are wearing thigh-high leather boots with spiked heels.

Yes, presumably the spikes help them break through charred floors and walls in a burning building.

And bare midriffs? I mean, shouldn’t they be wearing clothes?

Hey Slick, it’s not up to us to judge the way another culture chooses to fight its fires.

Slideshow of polling places

Dance students practice during training session at a pole dancing school in Hefei, China, June 25, 2008. Pole dancing is billed as a serious workout, closely aligned with gymnastics.  REUTERS/Jianan Yu

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Blog Guy, I have an unusual fashion problem. I can save a lot of time if I take a shortcut to work, but that means walking through a car wash near my office.

Apart from the searing pain of steam vapor, the toxic build-up of hot wax and the giant bristles that shred my skin as I pass by, there is also the problem of showing up at work soaking wet. Any suggestions?

You bet. At this week’s Milan fashion show they introduced the “Shiny Miracle Suit for Dudes who take Shortcuts.” These garments are made from the same space-age imitation plastic your grandma uses to safeguard her sofa!

When you get to work, just hit the men’s room and wipe it off with a couple of paper towels. It’ll be just as cool as when you put it on!

A model displays a creation as part of Belstaff Spring/Summer 2009 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 24, 2008. REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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Blog Guy, we’re raising money for charity. Should we hold a car wash?

Have you thought about a goat wash? You can do two at a time, as the photo below shows. Dirty goat owners would flock to you.  

We live in an upscale suburban neighborhood. Most of the goats here are already clean.

Hmmm. A puma wash, then? A wolverine wash?

NO! All the animals are squeaky clean!

What about selling goat baseball caps? Look, there’s good money in goat services.

I don’t know why I even come here for advice. I’d be better off talking to goats!

Well if you do, then charge them for it!

Goat wearing a Chicago Cubs cap. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson

Man bathes goats during celebrations in Spain’s Canary island of Tenerife, June 24, 2008. REUTERS/Santiago Ferrero

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This is a public service warning. If you know any Dutch people, you need to be very, very, careful not to confuse them.

This became obvious after a a bunch of Dutch soccer fans at Euro 2008 followed a Swiss railway worker onto the tracks because they mistook his orange reflective vest for their traditional orange dress. I’m not making this up. It seems the idea that train tracks might be a wacky spot for a soccer match just didn’t occur to them.

The Swiss, not wanting a slaughter that would gum up their tracks with Dutch people and wooden shoes, have now given the railway workers yellow vests.

Meanwhile, if you do know some Dutch people, do NOT let them see you toss an orange shirt into a tank of killer sharks. Don’t even THINK about it!

Dutch soccer fans in Basel, Switzerland, June 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Arnd Wiegmann

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Memo to zoo staff: Times are tough in the zoo business. It’s a jungle out there. Nobody wants to come and see plain old boring animals anymore, so we need a gimmick.

We’ve brainstormed it and decided to dress our animals in the latest haute couture fashions. We’ll promote it as “Vogue Meets Rogue!” Don’t you just love it?

We have buy-in from the biggest designers to do animal versions of their creations. I’m talking about the Lauren Lion, the Valentino Rhino… I see penguins in tuxedos, zebras in seersucker, maybe something nice in leopard skin for the leopard. I see alligators wearing Lacoste shirts with, you know, little alligators on them.

For publicity, I’ve sent a few of the more stylish animals over to the Sao Paulo fashion show today, including that really tame tiger. Oh. He’s not?

Related: Only a model? That’s a crock!

Models display creations from the Cavalera Spring/Summer collection during Sao Paulo fashion week in Sao Paulo June 20, 2008. REUTERS/Paulo Whitaker

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