Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

You must be the Head Bear

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BRITAIN/

Blog Guy, I need you to settle a bet with the guy who’s asphalting my nephew’s driveway.

Yes, yes, fine, that’s my sole purpose for living, to settle bets. What is it this time?

Would it be possible for a polar bear to kill a President of the United States?

obama bear 2 300No. That’s just stupid. Four presidents have been killed in office, all of them with guns. None by polar bears.

You mean none that you KNOW of!

Yes, but they do keep pretty good records about stuff like that.

Look here, I’ve asked Vinny, our Oddly Enough staff sculptor, to create a piece to show you how bizarre this would seem. Is this ridiculous, or what?

Puff faster, I need to change your diaper

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Blog Guy, it’s Memorial Day! Isn’t that when you announce your coveted “Why Isn’t This Person in Jail Award?”

smoking baby 340Yes, what a good memory you have.

That’s a longstanding tradition in this blog that began way back, well, today… May I have the envelope please?

The case of the missing roller skater…

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roller skater 490

Blog Guy, do you handle missing persons cases?

I’ve never done one before, but how hard could it be? Who’s missing?

roller skate crop 240My husband, Lamar. He took off eight years ago to get a large pepperoni pizza, and he never came back.

They found my secret apartment complex!

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census sled 490

Back in March, I wrote “Five annoying things about the Census.” It’s one of my most popular posts for the year so far. Apparently others share my annoyance.

One of my complaints was that they sent THREE forms, in THREE envelopes, marked Apartment 1, 2 and 3, to my single-family residence. Neighbors tell me there may have been apartments here long ago, but shouldn’t that have been sorted out by now?  I wondered if I would be in trouble if I only returned one of the forms.

Too many Singapore Slings, I guess…

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THAILAND/

Quick quiz: a REALLY stupid place to pass out drunk is…

jury drunk vertical 240a) at your wedding, just before your turn to say “I do”

b) in a third-grade classroom, even if it’s the second time you’ve done that grade

c) at the annual Taliban Board of Directors meeting

d) in an anti-government street protest while shooting your slingshot at army troops

Dining with the boss, 101

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manners wings 490

Okay, we have this etiquette story that purports to offer tips on how to eat properly “if you are seeking to impress the boss or potential client.”

PHILIPPINES/But judging from the level of the advice, it can only be aimed at folks who haven’t quite evolved to the level of pigs at a trough. You will think I am making these things up, but I am NOT. Among our helpful tips:

The world’s dumbest hobbies?

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TWISTER

The problem with writing a humor blog is that sometimes people try to send news to me, not realizing that unlike my other Reuters colleagues, I’m able to make up my own.

This week, for instance, I got this actual e-mail. I have removed the name and location to protect the dimwit who sent it:

Make way for the Montreal Dumbasses!

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montreal shoes 490

“Yo, Lamar! Our team just won a hockey game! Let’s celebrate!”

“I have an idea, Lonnie, let’s be total dumbasses and loot a liquor store!”

And you call yourself the Man of Steel?

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Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet with my neighbor’s proctologist?

superman 300Sure, because that’s what I’m here for, to settle stupid bets.

Thanks, that’s what I thought. What would happen if Superman flew into the earth at 4,000 miles per hour?

What do you think would happen?

Well, I say he would go all the way through and come out on the other side, but the doctor says he would knock the earth out of its orbit and destroy every living thing, instead.

A man who appreciates a nice bust…

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berlusconi horiz 490

Blog Guy, as long as you’re covering foreign news like the British elections, can you fill us in on the Italian Government?

berlusconi statue 1 280I’ve heard some slightly disturbing stuff about the prime minister’s health.