Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Are you ready, athletes? Blow and go!

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Blog Guy, you never seem to write much about the sport I participate in, the biathlon.

Sorry, I’ll do that right now. What instrument do you play?

Instrument? What are you talking about?

Sigh. The classic biathlon is a two-part sport. You play a piece on a brass instrument, then you swim 103 miles from Cuba to Florida.

Are you out of your mind?

No. What do you think the biathlon slogan means, anyway? “Play a tuba, swim from Cuba.” Look, here are photos of a recent one. This athlete is just finishing up the William Tell Overture on a trumpet before diving in for her long swim.

Honestly, Blog Guy, I don’t know why I come back here to this crapfest of stupidity! For your information, MY biathlon involves skiing and rifle shooting.

Cashing in on My Good Name?

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Blog Guy, I know you’re busy designing the next generation Basler BT-70 aircraft, but I may want to buy a plane before you have a chance to test your new model.

Test it? What do you mean by that?

Never mind. Anyway, the current Basler BT-67 seems very cool and just what I need, but I saw the list of options and I have a few questions.

Jump now, avoid the crowds!

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Blog Guy, I keep reading in your blog about that place in Siberia that you call Wackytown, and I really want to visit there.

You mean Krasnoyarsk. Go there! You probably won’t be sorry. In fact, that’s their exact tourism slogan.

You kids, cut that out!

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Blog Guy, we all know you work with Lamar and your two dogs and two cats, but you hardly ever mention the rest of your blog staff. Give us some information about them.

There’s Ray, the typesetter, Duke, who runs the printing presses, there’s Wall Guy, there’s Kelli the photo editor, there’s Julie, our technical…

Relive my childhood HOW?

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Welcome back to a new installment of our popular feature, “Stuff Maybe We Should Have Mentioned in the Photo Caption, but didn’t.”

The actual captions on these photos tell us we’re seeing a truck where folks get free ice cream along with massages and manicures. The captions say the experience is “meant to be a new spin for adults to relive their childhood.” That’s really what they say.

You’re kidding me, right? Right?

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Blog Guy, everybody knows you give the best travel advice. I’m out of my mind, like totally nuts, and I’m looking for a good vacation spot.

Have you been to that viewing platform I wrote about in the Bavarian Alps?

Of course. Opening day.

How about The Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago?

Been there.

That walkway over the Grand Canyon?

Done it four times.

Jeez. Hmmm. Are you willing to go to Canada?

Sure! I did mention that I’m nuts, right?

Then you should try this new tourist attraction at the CN Tower in Toronto, where you can traipse around an open-mesh metal walkway almost a quarter of a mile above the ground. There’s no guard rail.

For dummies who read this blog…

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Blog Guy, you run a fairly low-tech operation, right? I mean, there’s nothing complicated about doing a humor blog.

You couldn’t be more wrong. We do consumer testing, focus groups, FDA monitoring, all that stuff.

And the Sportsman of the Century was…

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It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?

Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.

Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.

Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?

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Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.

This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.

Texting on the lawn, a rough row to mow?

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This is the season when thousands of people are being injured by doing really stupid things with a dangerous gadget, and I guess nothing can be done about it because it’s probably protected by that Second Amendment.

Naturally, I’m talking about the lawn mower.

According to a shocking new story, people are doing stuff like cutting the grass in flip-flops, drinking alcohol while they mow, and even talking on the phone or texting.