Blog Guy, I love your What Beats What? feature, and I have one for you. Which kind of bicycle is faster - racing, or stationary?

Good question! To find out, we entered a stationary exercise bike in the Tour de France. As you can see here, our bike was leading the pack when we last checked in.

But this is HUGE! Could your rider really win?

We may never know. Do you think the powerful tire makers will want it to get out if a stationary bike beats their high-priced racing tires?

Look, I’m in danger just running this photo. You need to send it to everyone you know, so the whole world will be watching. If you’re on Facebook, join the Oddly Enough blog network and even more people will see it!

Pack of riders cycles past woman on a stationary bicycle during the thirteenth stage of the Tour de France cycling race, July 18, 2008. REUTERS/ Bogdan Cristel

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I’ve posted items recently on the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. And while I don’t think there is anything very macho about that activity - unless by macho you mean pathetic - I admit it does have some cachet when compared with another event this week.

Toro de Cuerda!! In English, that is “Bull on rope.” Yes. A bull restrained by a rope is allowed to “run” through the mean streets of Grazalema, Spain, while folks hide on handy structures above him. 

I’m not sure, but I believe the participants wear gore-proof clothing and have four-inch-thick safety glass between them and the animal, who for all I know may just be two guys in a bull costume.

Go ahead, try saying this in your most MACHO voice: “Oh, Si! I climbed above the tethered old arthritic bull who wears bifocal glasses!” Not exactly straight out of Hemingway, is it?

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People hold on to a window to avoid a bull during an event entitled ‘Toro de Cuerda’ (Bull on Rope) where a bull restrained by a rope is allowed to run through the streets in Grazalema, southern Spain July 21, 2008. REUTERS/Jon Nazca

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Blog Guy, my car got stolen last week and I’m furious! Is there any real progress on theft-prevention?

For sure. Have you seen the new Mercedes-Benz MS (Maximum Security) model in this photo? It is SO cool! The new security system tracks a would-be thief, snags him around the legs, hoists him upside-down on a retractable pole and holds him until police arrive.

Awesome! And is there anything, you know, beyond that?

Yes, another car maker is working on an MSV (Maximum Security Vigilante) model. It’s similar to the MS, except for the addition of boiling wax, electricity and flames. The police don’t even need to bother showing up, if you take my meaning.

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An acrobat performs above Mercedes-Benz CLS 350 during its unveiling ceremony in Seoul July 21, 2008.  REUTERS/Ben Weller

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Blog Guy, will you help settle some bar bets about what beats what if you match them against each other?

Sure. I can set up any kind of test match for you. My budget is huge.

Okay, a guy leaping like a frog, against a Yamaha motorcycle. Who wins?

As you can see in this photo, the Yamaha creamed the leaping frog guy.

Cool! A race horse against a massive container ship. Who wins?

Surprisingly in our test match the container ship beat three horses.

Lastly, two young punks with hammers against an older woman with a broom?

I even shot video of this one. The broom-lady creamed the punks.

Wow! This is the best online service I’ve ever seen. I’m joining your Oddly Enough Blog Facebook network.

Welcome, italic-font stranger. Lots of others are doing likewise.

(above) Yamaha MotoGP rider Valentino Rossi of Italy (L) celebrates after winning the 2008 U.S. Grand Prix in California July 20, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

(below) Jockeys race horses as a container ship and a ferry pass by during traditional horse and trotter race meeting in Duhnen on the German North Sea coast, July 13, 2008. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

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Quick quiz: The German phrase on this fashion model’s chest translates to…

a) “How’s my driving?”

b) “I can text-message with my bosom!”

c) “Help me get this ridiculous pink thing off my head!”

d) “Your call is very important to us”

I’m told it may mean “Fashion is a beautiful charade.” Then again, it may relate to that Schiller dude, whose missing skull is the stupidest story of the year, and his concept of an aesthetic illusion. Or, if the model is using her navel for punctuation, that could change everything.

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A model shows a creation from the label ‘Susanne Wiebe’ during ‘Fashionweek Berlin Spring Summer 2009 ‘ in Berlin, July 17, 2008. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

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Quick quiz: This photo shows…

a) a popular one-woman Broadway tribute to all six wives of Henry VIII.

b) the television scene where Lucy wants to meet the Sultan of Brunei, so she uses Fred’s old Vaudeville props and….heck, I don’t even have to finish this sentence!

c) a woman who, for no apparent reason, was stopped from going up to the stage at a John McCain rally. 

But here’s the really unusual thing about this photo. Our caption says it can’t be used for advertising campaigns. Seriously. Can anybody please tell me what product is so horrible that you’d use this photo to advertise it?

A model presents a creation by the label ‘Basso&Brooke’ during the ‘Fashion week Berlin Spring Summer 2009 ‘July 18, 2008. The event runs from July 17 to 20 in the German capital. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke  FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS.

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard the criminal justice system in Peru is very different from ours. Is that true?

I get that question a lot. Yes, it is. You take for instance the simple police line-up. In Peru, the cops make it much more obvious who they think is guilty. Like they will show a real suspect along with three squirrels, three pianos,  three circus clowns or something like that.

Fascinating! But what if the actual suspect IS a circus clown?

Well, then the line-up would include the circus clown with three ficus trees or something. This isn’t a tough concept. You’re not planning on a law enforcement career in Peru, are you?

Peruvian inmates wearing joker costumes stand next to prison guard at ceremony marking the celebration of  Resocialization Day at the Castro Castro prison in Lima, July 11, 2008. REUTERS/ Enrique Castro-Mendivil

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Blog Guy, you’ve given good personal finance advice in the past, and I need some help. I’m falling behind. Here’s my monthly budget. Am I wasting too much money on books?

• rent $1,400
• food $600
• utilities $220
• gasoline $310
• beer $4,000
• books $40 

Um, let me stop you right there. Budget planners with a sharp eye for detail might suggest that $4,000 is a lot for beer every month. Of course I do know there is a precedent, this guy in Australia who was spending $972 a WEEK on beer, but it didn’t work out so well  for him.

Miss Universe 2004 Jennifer Hawkins, of Australia, poses for photo while visiting beer brewery in Pathum Thani province, Thailand, in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Chaiwat Subprasom

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Dear Mama and Papa Bull, it’s exciting here in Pamplona! I can sure see why us bulls love the annual Running of the Tourists!

I feel a little guilty, though. Face it. If these people had any brains they wouldn’t be out jogging with huge honking bulls. Then they drink gallons of wine, just to give us even more of an edge!

Yesterday I suddenly just sat down, Ferdinand-style, and that really confused them. I sneered at this guy in a red shirt, and I think he soiled his pants right there!

The trick is to poke and toss the tourists just for fun, but not hurt ‘em enough to get into trouble. Today we might just squash the whole bunch of them, then go for paella. I tell you, it’s just a shame we don’t know which ones are studying to be matadors!

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Above: Runner falls on top of a bull during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, July 9, 2008. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

Below: Bull stops in the middle of the street in Pamplona,  Spain, July 9, 2008.  REUTERS/ Joseba Etxaburu

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Readers of this blog know I worry a lot about a recent tendency to do unnecessary remakes of great movies. I just don’t see why we need a new version of  The Great Escape, The Birds and other true classics.  

So here we go again, with a cheesy remake of the iconic Chinatown. Below is a studio still photo from the remake, showing the memorable scene of private eye Jake Gittes with his nose freshly slit open by a knife. 

I don’t even know who this actor is in the remake, but he’s no Jack Nicholson, and his ”blood” looks like it was put on him with a cake decorator. 

Meanwhile, there’s no word yet on which actress has the crucial Fay Dunaway role of daughter…slap…sister…slap…daughter…slap… sister…

Above: Original Chinatown publicity photo

Below: Model displays a creation from Travis Li’s Spring/Summer 2008 collection during Hong Kong Fashion Week July 8, 2008. REUTERS/Victor Fraile

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