Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

• get plenty of sleep
• practice meditation
• think soothing, happy thoughts
• enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

I am not making this up.

See, Ireland is debating whether to cut the legal blood alcohol content limit for motorists, and some members of parliament oppose lowering the limit which would rule out a traditional Irish pint of Guinness for those driving.

“If drink is such a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed,” said Mattie McGrath, Fianna Fail’s Tipperary South representative.

Right, Mattie. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be crossing the street someday  when one of those really relaxed drivers comes along.

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Above: Guinness Chairman Tony Greener sips from a giant eight pint glass of stout to publicize his company’s earnings announcement in a 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

Below: A racegoer holds a pint of Guinness on St Patrick’s Day on the third day of the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Finn-Kelcey

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Blog Guy, you’ve been great about career advice, especially offering tips to help figure out if people may have chosen the wrong line of work. Keep it coming, please.

Sure. Are you leaving on a business trip? Take off your clothes, look in a full-length mirror and count the number of live python snakes you see taped to your body in stockings.

If it’s more than say, two or three, maybe you should be looking on monster.com for a new job.

Pythons?  What kind of imbecile would tape that many pythons to his body?

The Norwegian kind of imbecile. Customs officials stopped a guy with a tarantula in his bag, so they decided to give him the full body treatment. They found FOURTEEN pythons taped to him.

Yikes! I wonder why he didn’t go for 20?

Because that would have gotten in the way of the 10 lizards hidden in cans that were also taped to him.

Blog Guy, you like this story, don’t you? And if I know you, you’re holding back something that’s even better.

Well yes, there was a wonderful quote in one of the papers that covered the story.

An official was quoted as saying,  “Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion.”

Duh, I guess it would be! Well, here’s your problem right here, sir!

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Top left: A customs officer presents a live chameleon during a news conference in a 2007 file photo. Customs officers displayed various items and reptiles that had been confiscated while being illegally smuggled into Germany. REUTERS/Alex Grimm

Top right: Australian native geckos concealed in a hollowed out book which were seized by Customs officials are seen in a 2008 photo. REUTERS/Australian Customs/Handout

Right: A zookeeper measures a royal python during animal stock-taking at the Zoo in Hanover, Germany, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Fabrizio Bensch (GERMANY)

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Blog Guy, I hate to complain, but you used to do a much better job of covering stupid sports around the world. Many of us come here to see athletic events that are too twisted and ignorant for other media to cover. Anything new?

As a matter of fact, yes. I’ve really been getting into teargas sports. You know, teargas soccer, teargas baseball and the fastest-growing, teargas tennis.

Really? What do you like about teargas tennis?

Well for one thing, there is never any question of flawed calls from an umpire. When that teargas grenade goes off on your side of the net, you know it, as you can see in these photos of players.

And as the photo above shows, it takes a steady hand to whack that canister back over the barb wire “net” before it explodes.

Thanks, Blog Guy! Now this is the sort of stupidity we’ve come to expect from your blog. And what would you say is your very favorite part of a teargas tennis game?

That’s easy. I love the part where the winners try to jump over the wire net to congratulate their opponent. Talk about your great moments in sports…

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Above: A Palestinian demonstrator uses a tennis racket to return an empty tear gas canister at Israeli soldiers during a protest against the controversial Israeli barrier in the West Bank village of Bilin near Ramallah October 23, 2009. REUTERS/Yannis Behrakis

Below: Assorted tennis players, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, I’m contacting you because I think you have an open mind about conspiracy theories. Am I right?

You betcha. Every nutjob is welcome here. As long as you’re reading me, it keeps you off the streets.

Yeah, I had you figured as…hey, you’re not making fun of us, are you?

Gosh no! Send me your goofball ideas! Just a sec, Charlie Sheen is knocking on my door…

Well then, are you aware of the White Hat conspiracy?

There are a number of prominent people who wear white hats as a secret sign that they’re part of the plot. Some elected leaders, that Dalai Lama guy, Brad Pitt…

I think you’re right. I’ve been looking through our photo archives, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found their leader. He was wearing his white hat all the time, long before the others started to show themselves.

Wow! Who is it?

His name can’t be said out loud, but if you’ll look to the left…

Now, if I can just get your address, to make sure the Obama Death Panels leave you alone…

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

Lower left: Robert Burck, a street performer known as the “Naked Cowboy,” sings in
Times Square in New York, in a 2002 file photo. REUTERS/Peter Morgan

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Blog Guy, you’re always making fun of fashion designers, acting like you think they are worthless, gangrenous canker sores on the buttocks of society.

Wait. You think I’m just acting?

You seem to be all talk and no action. Are you actually DOING anything to make things better?

In fact, yes. I’ve trained my dog as a fashion critic. I take her to the big shows, and she attacks the worst designs, but only when the situation is extreme.

So she doesn’t really LIKE attacking designs?

No. She’d much rather go after the designers.

How much can one dog do to improve things?

Maybe not much, but imagine dozens of trained fashion-critic dogs going wild at a spring/summer show in Paris. And dogs on the catwalk are only the first step.

I’m afraid to ask. What would be the next step?

In a perfect world? Dingos. Hyenas. Jackals. Wolverines…

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A dog chases a mock intruder during a function to celebrate the 25th Raising Day of the Indian National Security Guard in Manesar, south of New Delhi, October 16, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen 

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Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, you know all the dark secrets of the designer fashion business, and it’s time to admit a fatal flaw.

I agree completely. Uh, which fatal flaw do you mean?

Oh please. There is a certain group in our society that is shunned. Due to petty prejudices, they are not allowed to create designs for the big fashion shows. You MUST know who I mean!

Ah yes, I guess you’re talking about the criminally insane. But you should know that some big shows are finally allowing this group to present their nutty outfits, under heavy medication of course.

For instance, look at the guy on the left. It’s as if Hannibal Lecter suddenly has his own designer label. More chianti and fava beans for the gentleman, please!

That’s awesome! So now that the criminally insane have been allowed to “come out” and participate, I guess we can expect future fashions to look a lot different, huh?

Nah, I expect them to be pretty much the same. Why do you ask?

Don’t be selfish. Send this post to someone you’d like to irritate!

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Top left: A model displays an outfit by designer Marta Montoto during the EGO of Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show September 18, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

Top middle: Model presents creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais, October 10, 2009. REUTERS Hugo Correia

Top right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Dino Alves during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Hugo Correia

Bottom right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Lara Torres during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009.  Reuters/Hugo Correia

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Blog Guy, help me out here. Is there one person who is for sure the stupidest human being on the face of the earth? You can take some time to answer if you like.

I don’t need time. It’s the guy in our story today, who mooned railway staffers who were in a departing train.

Well, that does sound stupid I guess, but lots of people moon other people.

True, but they don’t get their trousers caught in a door on the train and wind up being dragged half naked along the platform and come close to getting killed.

Blog Guy, I know how you think. Sure, that’s very stupid, and sure, it’s pretty funny, but is there something ELSE going on here?

Okay, you got me. The guy was a JOURNALISM student. Like he’s not going to have enough problems making it in this business anyway, without getting his bare-butt dragged by moving vehicles?

If you were a newspaper editor and you saw that on his résumé, would you hire him?

Not if we were someplace where he’d have to commute to work, I wouldn’t.

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Top: A streaker in Sydney in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Will Burgess

Bottom, so to speak: Shipyard workers from Spain’s Izar public shipbuilding company show their backsides during a protest over threatened job losses in Gijon, Spain, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Okay fashion show staff, times are hard, and we need to save more money.

We tried using dead models, but it turns out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but there was that rabies problem.

Now, we think we have the perfect solution to the high cost of hair stylists: dog groomers!

People, there is no downside here. Groomers can work with all kinds of hair, they have a good repertoire of styles and they know how to deal with temperamental personalities.

Best of all, they already have all their own combs and brushes!

Let me demonstrate how this is going to work - the first batch of models is already out of the tubs and ready for the runway, so let’s have a look.

Say, is it just me, or do the models seem to be scratching a lot today?

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Top left: Model presents creation by designer Alexander McQueen at Paris Fashion Week, October 6, 2009. REUTERS/ Benoit Tessier

Top right: Briard, American Kennel Club photo

Bottom left: Model presents creation by designer Marc Jacobs at Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Bottom right: Toy poodle in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Sometimes I have to make up stupid stuff for this blog, but of course it’s much better when there is real, honest stupid stuff like this, to save me the trouble.

The photo above shows the two new zebras at a zoo in Gaza City.

And by “new,” I mean they are really donkeys who have just been painted with black stripes because the zoo’s owner says it would be too expensive to bring a genuine zebra into Israeli-blockaded Gaza.

While using this technique so children may may experience nature’s variety is beyond dumb, it does open whole new vistas for “zoos” in places where cost is an issue.

After all, there are only a handful of basic zoo animal shapes.

You’ve got your horse-shape, your big cat-shape and your monkey shape. Okay, maybe elephants and giraffes are more of a challenge, but that’s what steroids and neck-extenders are for, am I right?

A word of caution. Unless you want mass childhood trauma on a scale never seen before, you get those kids the hell out of there FAST when it starts to rain!

Zebra-painting video clip

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Top: Two dyed donkeys stand at Marah Land zoo in Gaza City October 8, 2009. The white donkeys dyed with black stripes delighted Palestinian kids who had never seen a zebra in the flesh.  REUTERS/Mohammed Salem

Left: Two models display zebra striped gowns in Milan in 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

Right: A newly-born zebra is accompanied by his mother at their preserve in the Bosphorus Zoo near Istanbul, in 2003 file photo. REUTERS/Fatih Saribas

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