Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Five great tips for keeping in shape

Photo

Blog Guy, you seem to have lost some weight, judging from your blog profile photo, and it looks like you’re working out, as well. Please share some health and fitness tips with your readers.

Okay. The first thing is to figure out what you should weigh. There are plenty of free online tools for calculating your Body Mass Index, which is a simple function of your height and weight.

Now, this is important to know. By BMI standards, nearly everyone on earth shows up as morbidly obese.

Ouch. Is there any way around that?

Yes. I told the calculator I was 7’11″ tall, and suddenly it said I weighed too LITTLE! I got fried chicken and cheesecake for dinner, baby!

I have a beef with your roast…

Photo

Sometimes I wish I had just arrived in America from Estonia or Honduras or someplace, which would at least give me a better excuse for not understanding the things that go on here.

For instance. Comedy Central has just announced that the subject of their next TV roast is Charlie Sheen.

Hey, there’s thuggage in your luggage!

Photo

Blog Guy, it’s July 6. Isn’t that the date you usually announce the coveted Doofus of the Year Award?

Indeed, but it was complicated this year. A last-minute entry snatched the title from someone I thought had an absolute lock on it.

Where the wild things are?

Photo

Okay, do I have to solve everybody’s problems all by myself?

We have a real news story saying more and more zoos are allowing visitors to spend the night, so they can learn “what happens when the gates slam shut, the sun goes down and the moon rises…”

Really? Again we are faced with schemes created by people who obviously have never seen real-life adventure movies such as “Jurassic Park” or “Snakes on a Plane.”

Why is there garlic on our ceiling, Honey?

Photo

Hey Blog Guy, I know you love to cook and sometimes share culinary secrets.

Do you have a good recipe for homemade pesto? It’s the BEST sauce with fresh linguine!

I spoke to an Italian chef, and I think I can help you out. You’ll need a butt-load of fresh basil, some parmesan, pine nuts, garlic and olive oil. I’m going to make a trial batch in my own kitchen while I write this.

Where DO you find all those arms and legs, Ma?

Photo

Let me make sure I understand this, Lamar. You say your mother can supply us with a steady supply of free models for our fashion shows?

That’s it in a nutshell, Boss.

Where will she get them?

She makes ‘em herself, Boss. Ma’s pretty good with tools, and she has a supply of used body parts, but don’t ask her where they come from.

So you think you’re a tuft guy, huh?

Photo

Blog Guy, I need your help with redecorating our dining room.

We want something really new. You know, something dinner guests will remember.

I hear you. Get yourself down to a store called The Seat of Power and ask to see their dictator-themed dining room ensemble. It’s called the Martinet Set.

Martinet? Is that like Raisinette?

Not really.  Martinets are authoritarians, and you can get a collection of dining room chairs representing famous strongmen. Hitler, Stalin, Saddam Hussein…

Fashion models are fit to be tied?

Photo

Lamar, we’ve got another big fashion show today, and money is still very tight.

Did you manage to find us some inexpensive models?

I sure did, boss. I’d introduce you but they’re tied up right now.

Well, I’d sure like to see them, Lamar. Are they really that busy?

No, not busy, just tied up, like I said.

I figured if I tied up some women and bought ‘em in for  the show, then our only cost is 50 yards of clothesline. That’s it.

Could you resist the temptation?

Photo

Blog Guy, you seem to be dropping the ball on Stupid Sports, which used to be one of your main coverage areas. Come on, there must be SOMETHING goofy going on among the world’s athletes!

You’re right, this is the season for Traction Distraction Racing, and I have to say…

Did you just hear a piercing scream?

Photo

Blog Guy, did you see they just set a new world record for “Most Body Piercings in a Single Sitting” yesterday? A person got 3,200 piercings. Do you approve of things like that?

Only if it’s done properly, which this was.

The guy performing the procedure is named “Danger” and has tattoos showing behind his surgical mask, so you know he’s a top doctor.  The woman getting pierced is a sideshow performer, so clearly she is good at making sound decisions.