Oh my God!

Ralphie, what’s wrong?

That chick coming this way. That’s my Internet date! I recognize her from her picture, and I think she’s really pissed!

No! Nobody uses their real picture online! What does she think YOU look like?

I may have sent her a shot of Hugh Jackman. What the hell am I going to say to her? What if the OTHER stuff she told me about herself is true, too?

Like what?

Like she’s a Supreme Imperial Goddess from another galaxy and she’s here to meet guys to see if her people will let us live! She says she has SUPERPOWERS! Do you think she does?

Are you out of your mind, Ralph? Look at her! How could she NOT have superpowers? You think maybe she’ll just kill YOU and spare the rest of us?

Hamana-hamana-hamana

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A model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands at a show during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

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Blog Guy, I’m a huge fan of super heroines and I’m wondering what else is on the horizon from that genre.

Plenty. There’s a good new season coming up. Here’s a publicity still from NBC’s “Amazon Woman!”

Awesome! So she’s like from the Amazon, and she has all the mojo of the rain forest and she…

No. She has a secret hideout back in the stacks at amazon.com. She’s very smart, and when she gets the crisis signal she reads books. See those thick glasses?

That’s boring. Who’s that chick with the dagger?

Ah, that’s “Lots of Problems at Airport Security Girl!” She flies commercially, and it’s hard to go through check-in wearing her outfit. She spends hours in holding areas.

Why would we want to watch that?

It’s HBO. There’s always the chance of a strip-search.

I’m SO THERE, Blog Guy! What’s a few more wasted hours of my life, huh?

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Models present creations during a hair art show at the international beauty festival “Banks of the Neva River” in St Petersburg, Russia, February 22, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Alexander Demianchuk

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Blog Guy, I was always in love with Lynda Carter - you know, she played Wonder Woman on TV. What’s she doing now?

Looks like this is your lucky day, Slick. She’s back in a superhero series next fall.

Awesome! As Wonder Woman?

No, this time around she plays “Scary Red Too Much Makeup Woman.”

Does she have special powers?

Obviously. She can fly with 75 pounds of makeup on. Can you do that?

Hmmm. I don’t think I’ll watch that.

Did I not make clear it’s Lynda Carter? If you’re a guy, you’ll watch.

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Actress Lynda Carter wears a dress by designer Carolina Herrera during the Heart Truth’s Red Dress Fall 2009 show during New York Fashion Week, February 13, 2009. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

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Blog Guy, is it just me, or have I been seeing Batman working at odd jobs lately, like at Arby’s and Jiffy Lube?

It’s not just you. Sadly, Bruce Wayne has hit hard times. Turns out a lot of his money was invested with Bernie Madoff, so that’s gone, and there were other very bad business decisions.

So, now Batman is working every odd job he can, just to keep the Batmobile going, and he’s only accepting crime calls within three blocks of Stately Wayne Manor.

In addition, he’s been picking up a few euros modeling at overseas fashion shows, as you can see here.

Wow, that’s very sad! And what about Robin?

I take it you haven’t watched late night infomercials lately? Does the Boy Wonder Miracle Grill and Sewing Machine ring a bell?

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A model displays a creation by Japanese designer Rynshu Hashimoto for Masatomo as part of his Fall/Winter 2009/10 men’s collections during Paris Fashion Week January 25, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Well, this is just very sad. I remember when Superman had some dignity. He wore a suit and tie, modestly went into a phone booth to change, stuff like that.

He was polite to people, didn’t abuse his x-ray vision around women any more than most guys would. The kind of stand-up dude you’d like to see crashing through your roof during Sunday dinner.

And now look at him! Hanging around crime scenes in a red raincoat like some flasher, wearing what looks like a bad toupe or a worse comb-over. You’d expect this guy to be trying out pathetic pickup lines on skanks at a low-life bar.

“Hey, cutie, buy a shot of crème de menthe for the man of steel? I left my wallet in the other cape…”

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Man stands near police officers in front of the government palace in Lima prior to visit of Chinese President Hu Jintao, November 19, 2008. REUTERS/ Mariana Bazo

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Blog Guy, I think I’d really like to be a superhero chick. I want a comic book and movie franchise and junk like that. Can you help?

Well, you don’t seem super-creative, so I guess we can rule that out. I suggest you hit one of the big fashion shows, where they show what the next caped crusaders will be wearing.

For instance, below on the left you can see Leopard Woman. Many animals are already taken, but maybe you could go for Skunk Woman or Schnauzer Woman? In the right-hand photo, you see Cheap Shag Rug Woman, battling for justice and a better hairdo.

Very interesting. And what about the one in the middle?

Oh, that’s just Claudia, my nutty neighbor who walks around with big holes cut in her clothes. Pay no attention to her.

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Models display outfits created by designer Andres Sarda during the Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 09 fashion show in Madrid September 17, 2008. REUTERS/Paul Hanna

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Memo to comic book staff: Okay, we all know it’s getting harder to create an original superhero. But this new one is just too lame. I mean, Flying Lingerie Lady?

Anybody can see this isn’t a costume, it’s just skimpy underwear and some kind of cheesy wings that look like they were made from from a bunch of Kleenex! Who the heck wants to see Flying Lingerie Lady fighting crime in her silly Kleenex wings?

What? Oh. Hmmm. It turns out we’ve already sold the movie rights for eight million bucks before the first issue even comes out. Never mind.

Related post: I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

A model wears a creation from Indian lingerie design label ‘About U’ during a fashion show in New Delhi June 25, 2008. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

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Just what we need, another frickin’ super hero. This one’s “Fusion Man,” and check out the slideshow. I guess he has an okay act, if you’re impressed by a macho hunk soaring majestically over the Alps in a rocket suit, nothing below him but miles of blue sky. But I worry that all the good super personas have been taken, leaving nothing for guys like me.

I need something just a little safer, so I’m trademarking my own super character, “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man!” Picture the scene:

“Someone PLEASE help me! Ruffians have grabbed my duty-free Chivas Regal!”

“Fear not, gentle lady! “Airport Moving Sidewalk Man” is on their trail!”

“But they’re running, and you’re barely moving on that sidewalk! You’re an imbecile!”

“No need to thank me, ma’am, just doing what’s right…”

Related post: I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

Former professional Swiss military pilot Yves Rossy, also known as “Fusionman,” soars in the sky like a rocketeer in the southern Swiss Alps near Bex May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

Blog Guy, it’s time once again to find out what the most popular items were in your blog for this month.

As you know, my car pool bets heavily on this, especially in a month such as this, with no other high-profile competitions to take our action. Come on, give us the results and make me very rich!

Hmmmm. Maybe next year you guys should Google the Super Bowl and the Oscars. Anyway, the overwhelming reader favorite for February was Mercedes Man. Not only did he top the charts, he even beat an item on that other new superhero, Toothache Man.

Here are the results:

1. It’s Mercedes Man! Drop your guns!

2. Lady, the elevator door won’t close!

3. Movie? I’ll SHOW you a movie!

4. Your mouth is oily, I like that in a man!

5. Wear a warm hat…moms don’t lie

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Memo to comic book staff: We’ve used every possible premise in creating new super crime fighters, so we’re down to Toothache Man.

See, this was just a normal dude in pain, visiting a dentist with his jaw wrapped in an elastic bandage and wearing a plastic mask to keep drill spray out of his eyes, when some tainted novocaine gave him super powers.

So writers, try to use lots of dental quips when he fights bad guys, such as “Holy molar!” and “This won’t hurt a bit!” And remember his hip catch-phrase. As he takes the crooks in, he winks at them and says, “I’m afraid your plan won’t cover this!”

March issue, Toothache Man vs. Mercedes Man

A model displaying an outfit by designer Roberto Piqueras waits backstage during The EGO of Pasarela Cibeles fashion show in Madrid February 1, 2008.  REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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