Blog Guy, I’m sick and tired of the violence all around me, and I want to do something to protest it. What’s a good idea?

Well, you could get a tattoo, like these people in Cuba protesting violence.

No, see, you don’t understand. Why would I go through something involving pain if I want to protest violence?

Ah, I see your point. Then maybe you should get a body piercing, instead, like some of these other protesters. Maybe your navel, or nose, or tongue, or…

No! That’s even worse! I’m anti-violence. I want something peaceful….

Right, now I get it. How about cutting off your leg with a hacksaw?

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A woman reacts as she has an object pierced and placed in her navel during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009. Brother Saiz, an association of young Cuban artists, organized the festival and used tattoos and body piercing to draw people’s attention to gender violence issues.

An artist tattoos on a man’s back during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009.

A man has an image of the late rebel hero Ernesto “Che” Guevara tattooed on his body during the No Violence festival in Havana November 21, 2009.

REUTERS/Stringer photos

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On the topic of life imitating art, this guy in the bottom photo is straight out of one of my favorite short stories. I’ll be pretty impressed if any readers can identify it.

But enough of that. I hate to admit it, but I guess I just don’t get out enough.

We have a series of photos from something called a “sobering-up station,” which apparently they used to have a lot of over in Russia but now they don’t have so many because money is tight.

I’m not clear whether we have anything like those here, other than what we call our “homes,” unless you count the “drunk tank” at the jail. I suppose this Russian thing must be in-between those two extremes.

This particular “sobering-up station” is in Stavropol, which is the sister city of our own Des Moines, Iowa. I’m tempted to ask how drunk you have to be to need a sobering-up station, but I guess I already know the answer to that from the tattoos.

“Hi sweetie, I’m home! Yeah, I spent the night at the sobering-up station next door. Sorry I didn’t call, but I couldn’t remember what a telephone was.

“And by the way honey, you’re not even gonna BELIEVE what I found on my back this morning!”

Sobering up slideshow

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A sobering-up station in Russia’s southern city of Stavropol, November 12, 2009. Many of Moscow’s sobering-up stations, of which there were plenty in the days of the Soviet regime, have been closed due to lack of money. REUTERS/ Eduard Korniyenko

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Yo Blog Guy, you know that hot actress Megan Fox? She’s SO fine! Can you run some pictures of her for me?

Sorry, sir, this isn’t that kind of a blog. We don’t run exploitative photos of human beings just because they are “hot.” My readers have loftier pretentions.

I get it. Blog Guy, I am a huge fan of Shakespeare. Do you happen to know of anyone in show business with The Bard’s quotations tattooed on them?

Why yes, stranger! I believe that actress, Megan Fox, has a quote from “King Lear” on her back. Here, I have a photo of it. Thank you for posing a literary question.

Wait, I’m not done. I believe Megan also has Kate’s famous 400-word soliloquy from “The Taming of the Shrew” tattooed on her fine butt! Let’s see!

Don’t press your luck, creep.

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Above and lower right: Actress Megan Fox poses at a fan event for the film “Jennifer’s Body” in Hollywood, September 16, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Lower left: Cast member Fox poses at the screening for “Jennifer’s Body” during the Toronto International Film Festival, September 10, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Polizeihauptwachtmeister, round up the usual suspects for questioning!

Right away, lieutenant! Of course, six of them got away while you were saying Polizeihauptwachtmeister, but…

Never mind that, Polizeihauptwachtmeister! This man here! Have you sentenced him yet?

Well, no, lieutenant. He’s just a suspect. He’s innocent until proven guilty.

You have not read the full penal code, have you, Polizeihauptwachtmeister?

Um, not the FULL code, lieutenant.

Page 1,264, paragraph six. “If some dumkaupf has a pineapple handgrenade tattooed on his neck and the message “Life is Pain” tattooed above his ear, he goes directly to jail.”

Very good, lieutenant. And the exact charge, just for the paperwork?

Do I need to tell you everything, Polizeihauptwachtmeister? The charge is having really stupid tattoos!

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A man is questioned by German police during protests by the far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) supporters and leftwing activists in Hamburg September 11, 2009. Several hundred leftwing protesters tried to disturb a demonstration by NPD supporters. REUTERS/ Christian Charisius

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Now don’t panic, readers. Appearances can be deceiving. I know it LOOKS like these folks have hooks piercing their skin, but in reality…

Oh, sorry. It turns out that IS what’s going on here.

“Bye Brenda, you have fun with your friends at the tattoo convention, and be careful!”

“Oh Ma, don’t worry! Before I let them touch me with a needle, I’ll make sure I’ve got razor-sharp steel hooks through my skin, so the ink won’t run all over.”

“Of course dear, but with that swine flu going around you can’t be too careful.”

“Jeez, Ma, it’s just hooks and cables and needles and ink! And besides, it’s COLOMBIA, for Lord’s sake, one of the safest places on earth!”

“I know, just remember to look your best, in case you meet a nice young man at the convention!”

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A man is suspended on hooks pierced through his skin during International Tattoo Convention in Bogota, August 16, 2009.

A woman has her chest tattooed as hooks are pierced through her skin during the convention.

REUTERS photos by Fredy Builes

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Sometimes a news story is so jam-packed with stupidity that it just overflows with creamy stupid goodness.

A teenager goes into a tattoo parlor. She says she wants three stars tattooed on her face, but ends up getting 56, which would be a whole lot more than three.

You’re saying, “Bob, how does something this stupid happen?”

For starters, she FALLS ASLEEP during the procedure, and wakes up as her nose is being tattooed, or so she says. I personally can’t see dozing off while some guy is puncturing my face like a pin-cushion, but maybe that’s just me.

Here’s another thing. The tattoo “artist” says he thought the girl wanted 56 stars.

Kids, a tattoo parlor is a place where you don’t want ANY ambiguity whatsoever.

You know how you always double-check that your surgeon knows how many legs you want amputated, and you always ask which cord to pull to deploy your parachute? Well, it’s just like that.

So now this poor girl has to live with those 56 facial stars the whole time she’s at Harvard, if she goes there. And later in life, say she’s a Supreme Court Justice, she’ll always be “Justice Johnson, the first Supreme Court Justice with 56 stars on her face…”

Video report

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Above: Video grab of star tattoo girl

Left: Isobel Varley poses during a tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley, born in 1937, is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to the Guinness World Records. REUTERS/ Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, my mom is turning 60 next month. My sisters and I want to give her something really special. Any ideas?

Sure. Do what many families are doing these days. Have Mom tattooed.

You mean a cute little tattoo just to show she’s still hip? Like on her back?

No, like all over. Look at this lady. She’s over 70 and Guinness says she’s the most senior tattooed woman in the world.

What the hell does that mean? What happens to all the other chicks with tattoos when they turn 70?

I guess we’re not supposed to ask.

I don’t know about this. What does this full-body tattoo thing cost?

That depends on how many guys you have to hire to hold her down.

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Isobel Varley, of Britain, poses during ‘II Expotatoo’ tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to The Guinness Records Book. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Hey, Blog Guy! You used to warn us about signs of the coming apocalypse, but you haven’t mentioned that recently. Does that mean everything is getting better?

Far from it! In perhaps the most crystal clear sign yet that the end is near, we have photos today of pigs being tattooed in the name of art.

No you don’t.

I am not making this up. Some “conceptual artist” is having professionals tattoo the pigs.

What’s a “conceptual” artist?

I think it means not a real artist at all, and possibly not even a real human. Anyway, as if pigs don’t have enough problems in their sad lives, these guys will be displayed as part of art exhibitions, and their skins will be sold to collectors once they’re slaughtered. I’m pretty sure that’s called a lose-lose situation.

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A workers tattoo pigs in the “Art Farm” of Belgian conceptual artist Wim Delvoye at the outskirts of Beijing November 20, 2008. Delvoye has staff consisting of local farmers to raise the pigs and professionals to tattoo them with cartoons or symbols. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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Blog Guy, I just graduated from college with a degree in art history, and I can’t figure out what I want to do. Your career advice is the best!

Have you thought about being a freak?

Well geez, I’m no Brad Pitt, but…

You have to dream big, son! Gone are the days when you had to be lucky enough to be BORN a freak!  Just watch our video about this young man who underwent countless operations, tattooings and piercings to WORK his way to lucrative freakdom!

What sort of work is there for freaks these days?

This guy seems happy with his gig at a Ripley’s Believe it or Not exhibit.

Now I’m interested! I live in New York City. With my art background, do you think they’d hire me at the Frick Museum here?

No, sorry. No freaks at the Frick.

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Daddy, your little girl has big news! I’ve met Mr. Right, and after a whirlwind romance, we got married!

Ming is already in show business, sort of, but he plans to be either a TV news anchor or maybe a dermatologist. 

Now Daddy, I want you to keep an open mind about one little thing, because I know how you can be. So I’m just going to be up-front about his only imperfection, okay?

Well, here goes. Ming smokes. Whew! I feel better already!

More about  tattoos

Tattoo enthusiast Liu Ming smokes while taking a break from a tattoo session at a shop in Beijing July 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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