Yo Blog Guy, you know that hot actress Megan Fox? She’s SO fine! Can you run some pictures of her for me?

Sorry, sir, this isn’t that kind of a blog. We don’t run exploitative photos of human beings just because they are “hot.” My readers have loftier pretentions.

I get it. Blog Guy, I am a huge fan of Shakespeare. Do you happen to know of anyone in show business with The Bard’s quotations tattooed on them?

Why yes, stranger! I believe that actress, Megan Fox, has a quote from “King Lear” on her back. Here, I have a photo of it. Thank you for posing a literary question.

Wait, I’m not done. I believe Megan also has Kate’s famous 400-word soliloquy from “The Taming of the Shrew” tattooed on her fine butt! Let’s see!

Don’t press your luck, creep.

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Above and lower right: Actress Megan Fox poses at a fan event for the film “Jennifer’s Body” in Hollywood, September 16, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Lower left: Cast member Fox poses at the screening for “Jennifer’s Body” during the Toronto International Film Festival, September 10, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Polizeihauptwachtmeister, round up the usual suspects for questioning!

Right away, lieutenant! Of course, six of them got away while you were saying Polizeihauptwachtmeister, but…

Never mind that, Polizeihauptwachtmeister! This man here! Have you sentenced him yet?

Well, no, lieutenant. He’s just a suspect. He’s innocent until proven guilty.

You have not read the full penal code, have you, Polizeihauptwachtmeister?

Um, not the FULL code, lieutenant.

Page 1,264, paragraph six. “If some dumkaupf has a pineapple handgrenade tattooed on his neck and the message “Life is Pain” tattooed above his ear, he goes directly to jail.”

Very good, lieutenant. And the exact charge, just for the paperwork?

Do I need to tell you everything, Polizeihauptwachtmeister? The charge is having really stupid tattoos!

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A man is questioned by German police during protests by the far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) supporters and leftwing activists in Hamburg September 11, 2009. Several hundred leftwing protesters tried to disturb a demonstration by NPD supporters. REUTERS/ Christian Charisius

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Now don’t panic, readers. Appearances can be deceiving. I know it LOOKS like these folks have hooks piercing their skin, but in reality…

Oh, sorry. It turns out that IS what’s going on here.

“Bye Brenda, you have fun with your friends at the tattoo convention, and be careful!”

“Oh Ma, don’t worry! Before I let them touch me with a needle, I’ll make sure I’ve got razor-sharp steel hooks through my skin, so the ink won’t run all over.”

“Of course dear, but with that swine flu going around you can’t be too careful.”

“Jeez, Ma, it’s just hooks and cables and needles and ink! And besides, it’s COLOMBIA, for Lord’s sake, one of the safest places on earth!”

“I know, just remember to look your best, in case you meet a nice young man at the convention!”

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A man is suspended on hooks pierced through his skin during International Tattoo Convention in Bogota, August 16, 2009.

A woman has her chest tattooed as hooks are pierced through her skin during the convention.

REUTERS photos by Fredy Builes

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Sometimes a news story is so jam-packed with stupidity that it just overflows with creamy stupid goodness.

A teenager goes into a tattoo parlor. She says she wants three stars tattooed on her face, but ends up getting 56, which would be a whole lot more than three.

You’re saying, “Bob, how does something this stupid happen?”

For starters, she FALLS ASLEEP during the procedure, and wakes up as her nose is being tattooed, or so she says. I personally can’t see dozing off while some guy is puncturing my face like a pin-cushion, but maybe that’s just me.

Here’s another thing. The tattoo “artist” says he thought the girl wanted 56 stars.

Kids, a tattoo parlor is a place where you don’t want ANY ambiguity whatsoever.

You know how you always double-check that your surgeon knows how many legs you want amputated, and you always ask which cord to pull to deploy your parachute? Well, it’s just like that.

So now this poor girl has to live with those 56 facial stars the whole time she’s at Harvard, if she goes there. And later in life, say she’s a Supreme Court Justice, she’ll always be “Justice Johnson, the first Supreme Court Justice with 56 stars on her face…”

Video report

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Above: Video grab of star tattoo girl

Left: Isobel Varley poses during a tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley, born in 1937, is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to the Guinness World Records. REUTERS/ Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, my mom is turning 60 next month. My sisters and I want to give her something really special. Any ideas?

Sure. Do what many families are doing these days. Have Mom tattooed.

You mean a cute little tattoo just to show she’s still hip? Like on her back?

No, like all over. Look at this lady. She’s over 70 and Guinness says she’s the most senior tattooed woman in the world.

What the hell does that mean? What happens to all the other chicks with tattoos when they turn 70?

I guess we’re not supposed to ask.

I don’t know about this. What does this full-body tattoo thing cost?

That depends on how many guys you have to hire to hold her down.

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Isobel Varley, of Britain, poses during ‘II Expotatoo’ tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to The Guinness Records Book. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Hey, Blog Guy! You used to warn us about signs of the coming apocalypse, but you haven’t mentioned that recently. Does that mean everything is getting better?

Far from it! In perhaps the most crystal clear sign yet that the end is near, we have photos today of pigs being tattooed in the name of art.

No you don’t.

I am not making this up. Some “conceptual artist” is having professionals tattoo the pigs.

What’s a “conceptual” artist?

I think it means not a real artist at all, and possibly not even a real human. Anyway, as if pigs don’t have enough problems in their sad lives, these guys will be displayed as part of art exhibitions, and their skins will be sold to collectors once they’re slaughtered. I’m pretty sure that’s called a lose-lose situation.

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A workers tattoo pigs in the “Art Farm” of Belgian conceptual artist Wim Delvoye at the outskirts of Beijing November 20, 2008. Delvoye has staff consisting of local farmers to raise the pigs and professionals to tattoo them with cartoons or symbols. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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Blog Guy, I just graduated from college with a degree in art history, and I can’t figure out what I want to do. Your career advice is the best!

Have you thought about being a freak?

Well geez, I’m no Brad Pitt, but…

You have to dream big, son! Gone are the days when you had to be lucky enough to be BORN a freak!  Just watch our video about this young man who underwent countless operations, tattooings and piercings to WORK his way to lucrative freakdom!

What sort of work is there for freaks these days?

This guy seems happy with his gig at a Ripley’s Believe it or Not exhibit.

Now I’m interested! I live in New York City. With my art background, do you think they’d hire me at the Frick Museum here?

No, sorry. No freaks at the Frick.

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Daddy, your little girl has big news! I’ve met Mr. Right, and after a whirlwind romance, we got married!

Ming is already in show business, sort of, but he plans to be either a TV news anchor or maybe a dermatologist. 

Now Daddy, I want you to keep an open mind about one little thing, because I know how you can be. So I’m just going to be up-front about his only imperfection, okay?

Well, here goes. Ming smokes. Whew! I feel better already!

More about  tattoos

Tattoo enthusiast Liu Ming smokes while taking a break from a tattoo session at a shop in Beijing July 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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This isn’t the kind of jewelry heist where they use the word “mastermind” a lot. The robber didn’t work too hard on a plan, and luckily he found a shop that didn’t try too hard to foil him, either.

The guy asks to see a bunch of rings and necklaces, which he tries on, and then walks out and gets in a taxi. However, I think even I could find this dude, since he’s described as 6′5″, weighing 250 pounds, with a Chinese symbol tattooed on his neck. Nice touch to try on necklaces, so they couldn’t possibly miss the tattoo. 

Anyway, while he made off with several items, the total value was just $9,800. With the price of gold and gems today, he must have gone OUT OF HIS WAY to find the cheapest stuff in the store! “Excuse me, do you have some gold-painted plastic beads, and some tin rings with cut glass in them that I can try on?”

The heist story

Probably not the robber: Christie’s jewellery specialist displays rings in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse  

A model presents a creation by Italian designer Riccardo Tisci for French fashion house Givenchy as part of Fall/Winter 2008/09 women’s ready-to-wear fashion show in Paris February 27, 2008.  REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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