Blog Guy, I know you’re a real sports fanatic. Are there any events at the upcoming Beijing Olympics that have you really pumped?

You betcha. That new one, the 400 meter mobile phone hurdles. The training photos are breath-taking. The athletes show the split-second physical prowess of hurdle jumping while conversing on a cell phone at the same time!

They don’t know exactly when the call will come, yet they have under a second to say, “Hi ma, sorry I haven’t called you.” Then, they immediately have to dial and order Thai food take-away! Guess that gives the Thai team a slight advantage.

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Paramilitary police for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games take part in training at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

Quick quiz: your kids are pestering you for the so-called “day of fun” you promised them a couple of years ago when you were half-asleep.

A really good place to take them just to shut them up would be…

• Walt Disney World
• Colonial Williamsburg
• The White House
• Lethal Weapons Play Day at a military base

Yeah, I was surprised by that last option, too, until I saw our pictures of small children playing with assault rifles, grenade launchers and I don’t know, maybe even nuclear warheads. It’s anybody’s guess what they sell at the souvenir shop.

Related slideshow:

A boy points a grenade launcher during the People’s Liberation Army Camp Open Day Stanley Fort in Hong Kong, May 1, 2008. REUTERS/ Victor Fraile

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Memo to staff: This seemed like a great idea, designing a dress that evokes the iconic image of screen goddess Marilyn Monroe with her skirt blowing up in a sudden gust from a subway grate.  

But I have to say our version lacks the whimsical  sensuality of the original. It turns out, artificially holding the skirt up with heavy starch and coathangers looks less like a great moment in movies, and more like a big sailor hat.

What if we sew in a push-button electric fan gadget to blow the skirt up at random now and then? Who’s with me on this? But make sure the models sign that personal injury waiver…

(movie poster, The Seven-Year Itch)

A model poses during a fashion show by students of National Institute of Fashion Technology in Hyderabad, India,  May 2, 2008. REUTERS/Krishnendu Halder

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Once upon a time, Grandma sent her three grandchildren into the woods to gather blackberries, so she could make a fine dessert for dinner.

The first child returned with a pail of plump blackberries. The second came back with red holly berries, which happen to be poisonous. The third went into the city, pulled the Big Con Switcheroo on a bunch of dimwit business guys, and brought grandma a bucket of BlackBerry handhelds with high resale value.

Grandma tossed the plump blackberries out for the robins. She baked the holly berries into a festive pie which she sent to the IRS along with her tax check. Then she pawned the handhelds for a bundle, and tonight she’s eating at Cheesecake Factory. The children get their fine dessert, and granny is knocking back Tanqueray martinis like there’s no tomorrow.

And they all lived happily ever-after.

Trashed Blackberry phones in a bucket during the NBC Today Show in New York, April 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, I’ve read that America’s big cities are running out of parking places. I know you travel the world. Are other cities trying anything new?

You bet. Berlin is looking at so-called “momentum parking.” You leave your car, and a huge crane hoists it up 500 feet, then lets it go. The impact buries it several feet down, thus taking up far less room than an ordinary space.

I don’t believe that. You’re just making up stuff to go with stupid pictures again.

I’m serious! It’s happening in ‘Potsdamer Platz,’ which is German for “My car went platz!!” You can look it up.

Related post: Flying cars not a total success…

An unidentified artwork, showing a crashed car in the pavement, is pictured on display at Berlin’s ‘Potsdamer Platz’ square, April 14, 2008.

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I get what happened here. This young gentleman looked at the wrong end of his Assault-Ready Heavy-Duty Atomic Super-Pneumatic Staple Gun, to see if it was loaded, which it turns out it was. I get that, and I certainly have to admire the professional-quality results.

But now he has a problem. Unless he wants to spend his life working as a human cake decorator - not that there’s anything wrong with that - he needs to find a plastic surgeon who is really, really, really good at filling out pesky insurance forms!

Man poses at an international tattoo convention in Moscow, April 20, 2008. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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Scientists recently stunned us by saying neanderthals were capable of sophisticated speech. I predicted a huge image boost for this much-maligned group, and now it’s starting. German officials have called a plan by President Bush “neanderthal,” but it’s not clear if that was 100 percent complimentary.

And yesterday, researchers simulated how neanderthals may have sounded. So now, many readers are asking, “Bob, who cares how they sounded?” Here’s why you should:

• Neanderthals are increasingly working as telemarketers, so knowing their sound provides a useful warning.
• Recognizing the neanderthal voice is extremely helpful when watching some TV political pundits.
• We now have the abilty to decode the massive neanderthal oral history, if we can find an eight-track player that works.

Related post: Don’t listen to those neanderthals, honey…

Undated photo shows replica of a neanderthal. REUTERS/Handout.

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Ever want to feel what it’s like to be really old? No,  me neither. Well, the Nissan folks have an “aging suit” to simulate bad balance, stiff joints, weak sight  and extra weight, so their car testers can experience problems faced by older people. I’m not making this up.

Let’s think. Aren’t there millions of actual seniors who could use some extra money, and who wouldn’t need to strap on a custom Old Guy Suit?

Couldn’t the geniuses at Nissan just follow the mailman when he’s delivering the AARP Bulletin next month, knock on a few doors, and show some grandma her experience has value? Nah, easier just to turn junior into the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.  

“Hurry up and crash, Joey! We can wear these duds over to the Cineplex for the senior discount!”

Aging suit slideshow and Video report

Employee wears ”aging suit” designed to simulate physical effects of aging at Nissan Technical Center in Atsugi, Japan, April 15, 2008.  REUTERS/Kiyoshi Ota

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If you haven’t been to Europe, you’re saying, “What’s the danged deal with this thing that looks like a toilet, but isn’t?”

Well, it’s called a bidet - pronounced “bee-day,” sort of like birthday only different. And what we’re seeing is a work of art entitled “Bidet Museum,” which of course isn’t a real museum, because face it, if it were, who would go to it?

It’s actually this dude’s own work of art, and in fairness he didn’t just drag in a bunch of old bidets. There are the red walls as well, and if you look closely there are pictures of women taped over them. So there’s lots to think about.

We’re told this artist likes to create a “reality within an unreality.” Small world! That’s what I do with my blog, only I use less porcelain.

More weird museum news:

Belgian artist Guillaume Bijl poses near his work “Bidet Museum” at the opening of his retrospective exhibition in Ghent, Belgium, April 4, 2008. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Bad news, drivers! Bremen has become the first state in Germany to introduce a speed limit on its highways, and drivers must now slow down to a snail’s pace of 120 kilometers per hour (75 mph).

If you do the math, it may not be so bad. Bremen is an itty-bitty city state, so the new rules will annoy you for maybe half an hour. The question is, how will they even communicate with motorists who whiz along the country’s roads at a perfectly legal 130 miles an hour or more? That’s too fast to read WELCOME TO BREMEN, much less see a speed sign.

“Honey, did you see that thing? What did it say?”

‘I think it said we’re on Route 120, dear, maybe you should go a little faster.”

“Okay, but this other sign just said something about SPEED BUMPS ahea………”

related post: Flying cars not a total success…

Cars drive along a city highway in Berlin in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Fabrizio Bensch

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