Welcome to the story that cannot be satirized. It’s already THAT good.

It seems the designer of the Kalashnikov rifle was just named a “Hero of Russia” by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who lauded him for creating “the brand every Russian is proud of.”

Please remember, I am not making any of this up.

As far as global recognition goes, Mikhail Kalashnikov’s name would be right up there with Death and Hemorrhoids, if those were actual people’s names.

Between real Kalashnikovs and knock-offs, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is often said to have killed more people than any other weapon.

Indeed, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is the weapon of choice among various armies, rebels, gangsters and drug traffickers.

Said the frail, 90-year-old Kalashnikov at the ceremony, “This is not my fault that this weapon is not used where it should.”

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Top: Mikhail Kalashnikov (R), the Russian inventor of the globally popular AK-47 assault rifle, toasts with Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev during festivities to celebrate his 90th birthday in Moscow, November 10, 2009. REUTERS/ Natalia Kolesnikova/Pool

Middle: Afghan boys, some as young as eight, peer through the broken glass of a window of their prison in Kabul watched by a young guard with a Kalashnikov assault rifle, in a 1996 file photo. REUTERS/Stringer

Bottom: A Russian boy aims a Kalashnikov rifle at the Russian Army’s elite Dzerzhinsky division near the town of Balashikha, outside Moscow, in a 2002 file photo. The Dzerzhinsky division organized a military-style summer camp for juvenile delinquents to teach military discipline and show them contemporary weaponry. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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Blog Guy, bring us up to speed on the Detroit automobile industry stuff. Remember, the government took over some carmakers and they were going to run the companies and stuff, but then I got really hammered and forgot to pay attention for a few months.

I believe the U.S. government version of the new Detroit models have just been unveiled in an elaborate Detroit ceremony. I saw pictures.

Awesome! And how did that go?

Not very well. Looks like the new cars exploded in balls of fire as they drove off the assembly line. Count on big recalls.

Wow, yeah, it’s gonna be tough to promote something like that as an optional feature. I guess…Hey, wait just a minute!

According to the photo captions, those explosions were staged for a movie in Detroit! They were intentional, not some new Washington screw-up!

Fair enough but they WERE in Detroit, so my accuracy rate has moved above zero, where it was stuck for a long time. I’m comin’ after the big news sites now, baby!

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A car blows up on the set of “Red Dawn” in Detroit, Michigan, October 19, 2009. Detroit, which has long faced economic collapse and neighborhood abandonment, woke up on Monday as the focal point for a remake of the 1984 action movie “Red Dawn” that took over several blocks in the center of the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook

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“Hello? What? Yes, this is Mr. Obama speaking.

“No, it’s not pronounced like the bama in Alabama, it sounds like… I’m kinda busy, what’s this about?

“Well, I’m in a parking garage now, and I am getting good reception.

“Huh? You’ve noticed my roaming charges are high? Yeah, I guess I’d be interested in a cheaper plan…

“Wait a minute! So I can’t qualify for your ‘Home or Roam’ plan because I don’t live in a residential neighborhood?

“I don’t CARE if your records show my house is zoned for office use! Do I own or rent? Look, I just live there for free!”

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President Barack Obama talks on a phone in the parking garage before a rally on health insurance reform at the University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland, September 17, 2009. REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help me out with a fashion dilemma.

I’m a gal who likes wearing a comfy bikini on a sun-drenched beach vacation. But if there’s a really hunky guy there, I want to look my natural best, which includes enhancing my swimsuit with padding to make my you-know-whats look big.

Your feet?

No. Think about it, Blog Guy. Anyway, of course by the time I spot the hunk it’s too late to run back to the changing room, so what am I to do?

Say no more. Check out the “Quickini,” from a fashion show today. It’s the answer to your problem.

This chick is listening carefully for the sound of other women laughing and flirting behind her, a sure sign that a muscle-bound hunk is coming up. A quick flip of the Quickini pads hanging on her shoulders, and they’re in place to make her look like she’s so top-heavy she can barely stand up!

That’s perfect! But what happens if the hunk still doesn’t notice me?

I wouldn’t worry too much about that as long as he’s breathing.

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A model presents a creation by Turkish designer Idil Tarzi during a fashion show at the Istanbul Fashion Days, August 27, 2009. REUTERS/Murad Sezer

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If you’re like me - and I’m sorry if that’s the case - then you get frequent queries like this one via Facebook. It seems that Debbie Somebody wants to put my birthday on her calendar. Is that okay with me, it asks?

Sure, I guess so. I mean, Debbie probably wants to remember to get me something nice, maybe even have a surprise party for me.

But then I get this next message, which says that in order order to do this, Debbie’s calendar application needs to pull my profile info, my photos, my friends’ info and “other content.”

I have to presume “other content” means my sex change medical records, my birth certificate from Kenya and that 1970 photo of me in a Nehru jacket.

Jeez Debbie, WTF?  Isn’t it possible for you to just grab a pencil and write, “Bob’s birthday, August 5,” on your wall?

I mean, if you watch TV, you remember that Tony Soprano whacked Big Pussy Bonpensiero for giving up a LOT less information than your application wants from me. Watch your back, Deb.

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Left: “Sopranos” actors Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy Bonpensiero) (L) and Frank Vincent in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the space program. How do those astronauts unwind after a tough day of space walking and stuff?

Are you stupid? You’ve never seen Battlestar Gallactica? They have a Space Bar up on the space station now.

Really! I’ve never seen that.

That’s because NASA tries to protect the image of its squeaky clean astronauts. But these new photos show Bartender Floyd mixing up drinks despite weightlessness.

Hold on. If there’s a bar in space, then they must also have pickup lines.

Sure. According to Floyd, here are the top five lines guys use on chicks up there:

5. So, you come here often?

4. You know, what happens in space stays in space…

3, Hi cutie, you look great! Have you lost some weight?

2, Why don’t you take off that helmet and oxygen tank and get comfy?

And the number one pickup line in space is still:

1, Hey baby, wanna join the 210-mile-high club?

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Finland’s Rauno Tiainen competes in the ‘flair’ discipline while preparing a Love Boat 1 cocktail during the 35th World Cocktail competition in Berlin, August 10, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter

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Welcome back to a feature we like to call, Haven’t These Guys Ever Seen a Movie?

In life, we should always defer to the wisdom of those who have wasted countless hours in the local multiplex, and yet we never do.

You take this video report, which tells us “Jurassic Park revives in Japan thanks to virtual reality technology.”

Raise your hand if you think a Jurassic Park REVIVAL is a smart idea, considering how well it’s always worked before.

Right. And yet, it’s clearly going to take a museum full of school children, trapped overnight during an electrical storm, and assorted bloody kid torsos dangling like stringy gristle from steel-trap dino jaws, to teach us another lesson.

Kids, whatever you do, DON’T press that big red button in the control room, because… Uh-oh, I’m afraid that’s gonna be trouble…

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They’ve just unveiled a prototype dress designed to light up when the wearer’s mobile telephone rings. As high-tech gadgets go, I just don’t see this one catching on.

Where to begin? Do you want folks to know how pathetically unpopular you are when you hang out with the gang and your dress doesn’t light up once?

And if your phone DOES ring a lot, do you want to endure the searing pain of a bunch of Sylvania lightbulbs burning into your flesh, just to announce each call?

Here what I see happening if this catches on.

Say you’re a trashy floozy having an affair with a married guy, and you agree to meet him at a crowded nightspot. But then his wife shows up with his phone and hits last number dialed, and you’re so busted, glow worm! Then there’s a screaming catfight, hair gets pulled, clothes get torn, beer bottles get broken…

Okay, so maybe the idea isn’t all bad.

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Tennis player Maria Sharapova with the light-up dress at a boutique in London June 17, 2009. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

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Every so often an idea comes along that is so awful it makes me wonder why there isn’t a “Bad Idea Hall of Fame” or maybe a “Bad Idea Olympics.”

Meet the “marriage hunting” bra, unveiled today in Tokyo.

It features a digital marriage countdown clock and, being a bra, it is worn around the midriff. I’m not making this up.

Gleefully, I imagine what happens when some potential husband out on a date thinks he’s getting to second base. Fumbling in the darkness he runs across the digital countdown readout and other circuitry, and…

The drama potential here is just too indescribably delicious.

“Honey, will you be my wife? That’s wonderful! Let’s head to the airport right now, so we can fly off to meet my family!”

Video report on the bra

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A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, what’s t he stupidest thing you’ve seen all year?

Saya, the humanoid robot teacher who supposedly makes facial expressions.

What’s so stupid about her?

They’re the worst expressions I’ve ever seen. I mean, who are we kidding?

These photos show Saya showing happiness, surprise, anger, disgust and fear, plus a shot of actress Martha Plimpton so I have an even number of headshots. Can you tell which expression is which?

The second one down on the left is Plimpton, I think.

That one isn’t part of the test.

Um, top right is happiness, I know that. Bottom right is anger, for sure.

Wrong and wrong. My point is, this will teach a whole generation of kids totally incorrect facial cues. When they enter a room, they won’t know a surprise party from an execution. I guess that’s good news for grifters and incompetent mimes, but for everyone else… You understand?

Sure. You’re saying Martha Plimpton is a robot?

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Above: humanoid robot named Saya is touched by school pupils during a demonstration at an elementary school in Tokyo, May 7, 2009. The robot can speak different languages and make facial expressions with motors inside her face. REUTERS/Issei Kato

Headshots:

happiness, surprise

Plimpton, fear

anger, disgust

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