They’ve just unveiled a prototype dress designed to light up when the wearer’s mobile telephone rings. As high-tech gadgets go, I just don’t see this one catching on.

Where to begin? Do you want folks to know how pathetically unpopular you are when you hang out with the gang and your dress doesn’t light up once?

And if your phone DOES ring a lot, do you want to endure the searing pain of a bunch of Sylvania lightbulbs burning into your flesh, just to announce each call?

Here what I see happening if this catches on.

Say you’re a trashy floozy having an affair with a married guy, and you agree to meet him at a crowded nightspot. But then his wife shows up with his phone and hits last number dialed, and you’re so busted, glow worm! Then there’s a screaming catfight, hair gets pulled, clothes get torn, beer bottles get broken…

Okay, so maybe the idea isn’t all bad.

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Tennis player Maria Sharapova with the light-up dress at a boutique in London June 17, 2009. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

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Every so often an idea comes along that is so awful it makes me wonder why there isn’t a “Bad Idea Hall of Fame” or maybe a “Bad Idea Olympics.”

Meet the “marriage hunting” bra, unveiled today in Tokyo.

It features a digital marriage countdown clock and, being a bra, it is worn around the midriff. I’m not making this up.

Gleefully, I imagine what happens when some potential husband out on a date thinks he’s getting to second base. Fumbling in the darkness he runs across the digital countdown readout and other circuitry, and…

The drama potential here is just too indescribably delicious.

“Honey, will you be my wife? That’s wonderful! Let’s head to the airport right now, so we can fly off to meet my family!”

Video report on the bra

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A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, what’s t he stupidest thing you’ve seen all year?

Saya, the humanoid robot teacher who supposedly makes facial expressions.

What’s so stupid about her?

They’re the worst expressions I’ve ever seen. I mean, who are we kidding?

These photos show Saya showing happiness, surprise, anger, disgust and fear, plus a shot of actress Martha Plimpton so I have an even number of headshots. Can you tell which expression is which?

The second one down on the left is Plimpton, I think.

That one isn’t part of the test.

Um, top right is happiness, I know that. Bottom right is anger, for sure.

Wrong and wrong. My point is, this will teach a whole generation of kids totally incorrect facial cues. When they enter a room, they won’t know a surprise party from an execution. I guess that’s good news for grifters and incompetent mimes, but for everyone else… You understand?

Sure. You’re saying Martha Plimpton is a robot?

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Above: humanoid robot named Saya is touched by school pupils during a demonstration at an elementary school in Tokyo, May 7, 2009. The robot can speak different languages and make facial expressions with motors inside her face. REUTERS/Issei Kato

Headshots:

happiness, surprise

Plimpton, fear

anger, disgust

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Blog Guy, I’m CEO of a struggling U.S. company. I need to reduce my Information Technology costs. My employees act like computers grow on trees, abusing equipment and stuff. Our geeky tech staff is too timid to crack the whip. Help!

Maybe you’re hiring your techies in the wrong place, sir. Send your recruiters to the Information Technology college, in Baghdad.

As you can see here, their grads won’t put up with crap from your whiny workers.

They’re pretty impressive, I must say.

Exactly. Imagine one of your employees shows up hung-over in the morning, spills coffee in his keyboard and calls Tech Support. Now imagine two or three of these guys answering his call. What sort of workers do you employ, if I may ask?

Um, journalists.

Oh. Then I’d hire several hundred of these dudes.

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Students of the Information Technology college dress in costumes during a celebration of their graduation ceremony in al-Nahrain University in Baghdad May 5, 2009. REUTERS/ Thaier al-Sudani

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Blog Guy, I’ve read about the so-called “nuclear football” that goes everywhere with the U.S. President in case he needs to authorize a nuclear war. Are there any pictures of this doomsday gadget?

Photos of the super-secret device are very rare, but we got some at the White House a couple of days ago. Here you go.

Gosh, I guess I didn’t expect it to look so much like a, you know, football.

Exactly. Nobody expects that, so it’s a brilliant security ploy. It appears that President Obama was feeling a little playful, and he tossed it around with his aides.

I have to say that frightens me. Couldn’t that be very dangerous?

Only if it lands right on the big red button, and what are the chances of that?

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President Barack Obama tosses a football given to him by the the 2008 NCAA national football champions, the University of Florida team, during a ceremony at the White House, April 23, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

But won’t my wife wonder about the garlic smell?

Sure. Just say an Italian restaurant opened next door.

But she’ll learn that isn’t true when she tries to make dinner reservations there.

Ah, so you’ve got a SMART wife, huh? Then say you added a garlic panic room for vampire attacks.

Perfect! I think she’ll fall for that.

Yeah, even the smart ones usually do.

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A vendor smokes as he sells garlic at a market in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, April 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’ve decided I want to be one of those space tourists. Do you know what that costs?

Not really, but a clue might be that we never mention their name in a story without having the word billionaire attached. You never read that “…middle-class U.S. space tourist Lonnie Johnson returned from space today…”

That’s right, now that you mention it. I guess you need to have a lot of vacation time, in case it’s delayed getting back. Isn’t there a cheaper way to do it?

Maybe. I’ve read that China  has cut some corners and now they’ll take you on a pretty convincing space ride for about six dollars.

Whoa! That’s more like it! I have almost that much saved already! Do you get to be weightless?

But of course.

Do you get to be dizzy and disoriented and sick and confused and everything?

That all depends on whether you can afford a couple of extra bucks for a bottle of maotai for the trip.

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Two girls from Henan province perform with a sling as they beg for money at a park in Shenyang, Liaoning province, China, April 13,  2009.  REUTERS/Stringer

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I like fancy new technical gadgets as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy is an Amish farmer, but here’s one I just don’t see catching on.

An inventor has come up with a hands-free device he says will let you control your iPod using facial expressions, like winking and sticking out your tongue.

The downside is you have to walk around making grotesque faces, like you’re one of those people who can’t control nervous tics. Not to name names, but I’m talking about Renee Zellweger and Gilbert Gottfried.

So what if you’re really in the mood to hear “Honky Tonk Women,” so you wink and stick out your tongue just as some drunk Hells Angels are going by? You could end up with your iPod in a part of your anatomy where you won’t hear it again for a few days, if you catch my drift.

Our video item says the inventor is currently looking for business partners to turn his invention into a commercial product. Hey, why not try the Hells Angels?

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Above: Fashion model in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Kiyoshi Ota

Below: Actor Josh Brolin in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Photos courtesy of Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop

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I know my readers love gadgets, so I keep an eye out for the very best new stuff.

Here are a couple of clever new toys incorporated into women’s hats, and I predict runaway success for both of them.

Tired of having to decide which room you want to watch a movie in at home? Try the Flexiplex Portable Entertainment Center!

This stylish chapeau incorporates video technology with a Pioneer speaker, and lets you go from room to room. Wherever you are, that’s where the movie is! Pass the popcorn, Pam!

There’s more. Weary of having to lift your wrist and focus on that little watch dial to see what time it is?

Behold the Time Topper! It’s a hat AND a clock, and all you have to do is tilt your head, look into a wall mirror, then figure out what the opposite time would be in the reflection. The correct time is yours, in less than two minutes!

Act now and get these handsome steak knives blah blah blah…

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Models display outfits designed by Nitin Bal Chauhan during a fashion show on the first day of India Fashion Week in New Delhi, March 18, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

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Herr Blog Guy? Ve are a group of Nazi spies in 1939. Ve vant to infiltrate your country and look natural. Can you help us?

Um, I’m a bit surprised to get a message from 70 years ago. How does that work?

Ve haff ze technology. Now, about ze fashions ve vill need…

Oh sure, these outfits from a fashion show this week should be just perfect. Nobody will suspect you.

Danke.

By the way, if you can contact the future, have you bothered to find out what happened to the Nazis?

Nein. Should ve?

Nah, don’t worry about it. Just copy the outfits and come on over!

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Models present creations from Portuguese designer Nuno Gama during the Lisbon Fashion Autumn Winter collection show in Cascais, March 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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