Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Scientists recently stunned us by saying neanderthals were capable of sophisticated speech. I predicted a huge image boost for this much-maligned group, and now it’s starting. German officials have called a plan by President Bush “neanderthal,” but it’s not clear if that was 100 percent complimentary.
And yesterday, researchers simulated how neanderthals may have sounded. So now, many readers are asking, “Bob, who cares how they sounded?” Here’s why you should:
Neanderthals are increasingly working as telemarketers, so knowing their sound provides a useful warning.
Recognizing the neanderthal voice is extremely helpful when watching some TV political pundits.
We now have the abilty to decode the massive neanderthal oral history, if we can find an eight-track player that works.
Related post: Don’t listen to those neanderthals, honey…
Ever want to feel what it’s like to be really old? No, me neither. Well, the Nissan folks have an “aging suit” to simulate bad balance, stiff joints, weak sight and extra weight, so their car testers can experience problems faced by older people. I’m not making this up.
Let’s think. Aren’t there millions of actual seniors who could use some extra money, and who wouldn’t need to strap on a custom Old Guy Suit?
Well, it’s called a bidet – pronounced “bee-day,” sort of like birthday only different. And what we’re seeing is a work of art entitled “Bidet Museum,” which of course isn’t a real museum, because face it, if it were, who would go to it?
If you do the math, it may not be so bad. Bremen is an itty-bitty city state, so the new rules will annoy you for maybe half an hour. The question is, how will they even communicate with motorists who whiz along the country’s roads at a perfectly legal 130 miles an hour or more? That’s too fast to read WELCOME TO BREMEN, much less see a speed sign.
It turns out a “take-your-guns-to-work” law was just passed by the Florida senate, letting workers keep guns in their cars for self-protection, so road rage doesn’t need to be just an empty outburst, and then lock those guns in their cars while they go into work.
It does exempt some workplaces, like nuclear power plants, prisons and schools, so obviously it’s been carefully thought through. But what about those Cape Canaveral astronauts? Can they take guns up to the shuttle? And you have to think about the heat, which can top a sizzling 100 degrees there. When your coworkers leave guns and ammo on the dashboard in the sun, will there be surprises?
We have video showing new technology being used to make art more fun, as kids can now talk with people in classics such as the Mona Lisa, and get replies.
Are you kidding? They are wasting this magic on education? Does nobody have a sense of humor? Why not install these gizmos instead of the real art? Imagine sweaty tourists shuffling by, when suddenly Mona Lisa starts talking to them…
You may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.
If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?
“Put down your lance, Vance!”
This just looks too good to be true. Photos of presidential security giving the full metal detector treatment to knights wearing enough scrap iron to build a Hummer? Is there a fear of yet another deadly broadsword attack, like we’ve seen so many times recently?
“Okay, put your farthings, talismans and grails in the bin…”
“Sir, please lay your battle ax flat on the conveyor belt…”
“Ma’am, use the Damsel line. It’s faster, unless you have a chastity belt.”
Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr. Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.
He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”
About 400 people were trapped for more than an hour yesterday by a “mechanical fault” on that huge Ferris wheel, The London Eye. Our story says staffers were in touch with the victims, who were stuck as high as 450 feet in the air, via intercoms.
The stalled passengers were offered water, blankets and glucose tablets.
That’s good to know. Given my attitude toward heights, if that ever happens to me they can cover me with the blanket and pound me with water bottles until I stop screaming. Some fully charged tasers, a portable toilet and a parachute might also come in handy.