Blog Guy, I’ve read about the so-called “nuclear football” that goes everywhere with the U.S. President in case he needs to authorize a nuclear war. Are there any pictures of this doomsday gadget?

Photos of the super-secret device are very rare, but we got some at the White House a couple of days ago. Here you go.

Gosh, I guess I didn’t expect it to look so much like a, you know, football.

Exactly. Nobody expects that, so it’s a brilliant security ploy. It appears that President Obama was feeling a little playful, and he tossed it around with his aides.

I have to say that frightens me. Couldn’t that be very dangerous?

Only if it lands right on the big red button, and what are the chances of that?

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President Barack Obama tosses a football given to him by the the 2008 NCAA national football champions, the University of Florida team, during a ceremony at the White House, April 23, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

But won’t my wife wonder about the garlic smell?

Sure. Just say an Italian restaurant opened next door.

But she’ll learn that isn’t true when she tries to make dinner reservations there.

Ah, so you’ve got a SMART wife, huh? Then say you added a garlic panic room for vampire attacks.

Perfect! I think she’ll fall for that.

Yeah, even the smart ones usually do.

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A vendor smokes as he sells garlic at a market in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, April 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’ve decided I want to be one of those space tourists. Do you know what that costs?

Not really, but a clue might be that we never mention their name in a story without having the word billionaire attached. You never read that “…middle-class U.S. space tourist Lonnie Johnson returned from space today…”

That’s right, now that you mention it. I guess you need to have a lot of vacation time, in case it’s delayed getting back. Isn’t there a cheaper way to do it?

Maybe. I’ve read that China  has cut some corners and now they’ll take you on a pretty convincing space ride for about six dollars.

Whoa! That’s more like it! I have almost that much saved already! Do you get to be weightless?

But of course.

Do you get to be dizzy and disoriented and sick and confused and everything?

That all depends on whether you can afford a couple of extra bucks for a bottle of maotai for the trip.

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Two girls from Henan province perform with a sling as they beg for money at a park in Shenyang, Liaoning province, China, April 13,  2009.  REUTERS/Stringer

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I like fancy new technical gadgets as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy is an Amish farmer, but here’s one I just don’t see catching on.

An inventor has come up with a hands-free device he says will let you control your iPod using facial expressions, like winking and sticking out your tongue.

The downside is you have to walk around making grotesque faces, like you’re one of those people who can’t control nervous tics. Not to name names, but I’m talking about Renee Zellweger and Gilbert Gottfried.

So what if you’re really in the mood to hear “Honky Tonk Women,” so you wink and stick out your tongue just as some drunk Hells Angels are going by? You could end up with your iPod in a part of your anatomy where you won’t hear it again for a few days, if you catch my drift.

Our video item says the inventor is currently looking for business partners to turn his invention into a commercial product. Hey, why not try the Hells Angels?

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Above: Fashion model in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Kiyoshi Ota

Below: Actor Josh Brolin in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Photos courtesy of Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop

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I know my readers love gadgets, so I keep an eye out for the very best new stuff.

Here are a couple of clever new toys incorporated into women’s hats, and I predict runaway success for both of them.

Tired of having to decide which room you want to watch a movie in at home? Try the Flexiplex Portable Entertainment Center!

This stylish chapeau incorporates video technology with a Pioneer speaker, and lets you go from room to room. Wherever you are, that’s where the movie is! Pass the popcorn, Pam!

There’s more. Weary of having to lift your wrist and focus on that little watch dial to see what time it is?

Behold the Time Topper! It’s a hat AND a clock, and all you have to do is tilt your head, look into a wall mirror, then figure out what the opposite time would be in the reflection. The correct time is yours, in less than two minutes!

Act now and get these handsome steak knives blah blah blah…

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Models display outfits designed by Nitin Bal Chauhan during a fashion show on the first day of India Fashion Week in New Delhi, March 18, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

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Herr Blog Guy? Ve are a group of Nazi spies in 1939. Ve vant to infiltrate your country and look natural. Can you help us?

Um, I’m a bit surprised to get a message from 70 years ago. How does that work?

Ve haff ze technology. Now, about ze fashions ve vill need…

Oh sure, these outfits from a fashion show this week should be just perfect. Nobody will suspect you.

Danke.

By the way, if you can contact the future, have you bothered to find out what happened to the Nazis?

Nein. Should ve?

Nah, don’t worry about it. Just copy the outfits and come on over!

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Models present creations from Portuguese designer Nuno Gama during the Lisbon Fashion Autumn Winter collection show in Cascais, March 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Blog Guy, I really need some fashion advice!

“I’m invited to a very nice cocktail party. The problem is, I have a deep-rooted fear of getting lost late at night while I look for the valet parking guy, and wandering around for days waiting for rescue. This has happened to six of my friends. Help!”

Statistics show thousands of people each year suffer exactly that fate. This is why I’ve invested my money in the Swiss Army Hat.

Stylish enough for a Paris fashion show, if danger strikes this unique headgear is all business! Six LED lights begin blinking when you hit the panic button. A bicycle bell on your forehead lets you signal rescuers.

There’s more! Steel gears grind a stream of bread crumbs behind you, and if you fall off a cliff or something, large ostrich feathers float you gently to the ground!

That’s all very nice, Bob, but an ostrich can’t fly.

Uh-oh. Um, act now and get a free glow-in-the-dark face reflector?

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A model presents a creation by Indian designer Manish Arora as part of his Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2009.  REUTERS/ Pascal Rossignol

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Ladies, it’s been years in the making, but thanks to genuine Midwestern Storm Cellar Door Technology, we’re proud to unveil the miracle Trashy Flashy dress!

How many times has this happened to you? You’re walking along on a sunny June day, and you’re like, ‘D’oh! It’s so nice out, if only I could get some sun!”

Well, the Trashy Flashy lets you catch the rays with the flick of your wrists!

But wait, there’s more!

You know how you suddenly see a real cute guy, and you’d like to flirt but he looks too fricking dimwitted to notice a wink?

Here’s the answer! The Trashy Flashy lets  you give him a a quick preview. You flash those doors, and before you know it, he’ll be telling his wife he has to work late!

And STILL there’s MORE! The Trashy Flashy lets you have abdominal surgery, without even disrobing!

Gals, we couldn’t call it a miracle unless it really was one. And remember, the bikini underneath is purely optional!

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A combination picture shows a model displaying a creation as part of the Agatha Ruiz De La Prada Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection during Milan Fashion Week March 3, 2009 REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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I’ve blogged in the past about the exciting opportunities to be found in the elite HSF (Homemade Submarine Fleet), aboard cheesy subs that carry tons of cocaine all the way from Colombia to the ultimate selling point, which I think is about two blocks from my house.

These craft have long been shrouded in mystery, but today we have a story that fills in some of the details. I was most struck by two particular facts in our story:

1) The smuggling runs…can take up to two weeks…

2) There is no bathroom…

So, wait a minute, I’m trying to do the math. Uh, two weeks, no bathroom…

Okay, I once suggested that serving aboard these smuggling subs might be the most dangerous thing in the world. But now I think it would be far worse to be using the only stall in the nearest Men’s Room when the sub finally docks. Now THAT’S danger!

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A semi-submersible vessel caught in the Pacific Ocean with about seven tons of cocaine in 2008. Known as “coffins,” the sleek jungle-built submarines steam their way north from Colombia through Pacific waters to deliver tons of illegal drugs headed for the U.S. market. Picture taken February 17, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Carlos Barria

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Blog Guy, I saw a picture of the President and Michelle Obama out on the town on Valentine’s Day, and she was carrying a brown paper bag. What would the first lady be doing with a bag?

This is very sensitive, so don’t tell anybody else, but you know the so-called “Nuclear Football” the President always has with him in case he gets mad and wants to nuke some country?

Sure. Everybody has heard of that.

Well, they carry that around in a brown paper bag, and sometimes he lets Michelle hold it so his hands are free to wave and smoke and stuff.

Wow! I had no idea!

Exactly. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Sometimes the President lets his daughters carry it around, too, because it’s a pretty neat gizmo.

The girls? I have to say that makes me nervous.

Don’t worry. The girls have been warned not to press that shiny red button.

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President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama depart “Table 52″ restaurant after enjoying a Valentine’s Day dinner together in Chicago, February 14, 2009. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

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