Blog Guy, I saw a picture of the President and Michelle Obama out on the town on Valentine’s Day, and she was carrying a brown paper bag. What would the first lady be doing with a bag?

This is very sensitive, so don’t tell anybody else, but you know the so-called “Nuclear Football” the President always has with him in case he gets mad and wants to nuke some country?

Sure. Everybody has heard of that.

Well, they carry that around in a brown paper bag, and sometimes he lets Michelle hold it so his hands are free to wave and smoke and stuff.

Wow! I had no idea!

Exactly. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Sometimes the President lets his daughters carry it around, too, because it’s a pretty neat gizmo.

The girls? I have to say that makes me nervous.

Don’t worry. The girls have been warned not to press that shiny red button.

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President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama depart “Table 52″ restaurant after enjoying a Valentine’s Day dinner together in Chicago, February 14, 2009. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

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Sometimes it seems to take real people way too long to catch up with Looney Tunes.

Below is a photo of some Israeli guy showing off a “corner shotgun,” which apparently lets you shoot the enemy around corners, without exposing yourself.

My sophisticated readers will remember this concept was first introduced in 1949, when Daffy Duck twisted Porky Pig’s shotgun barrel and Porky blew his own head off. I laugh just thinking about it.

Since then, elaborate corner gun variations have been used by Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, Yosemite Sam and others.

If there is any justice in the world, the Israelis should be calling this the Daffy Gun. Plus, if the thing doesn’t say “BLAM!” and play the Looney Tunes theme song when you hit something with it, then I’m sure I don’t know what this world is coming to.

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Above: Elmer Fudd and Foghorn Leghorn, from Looney Tunes

Below: Israeli official shows a corner shotgun to Indian soldiers at Yelahanka air force station on the outskirts of Bangalore, India, February 12, 2009. REUTERS/Indian Defence Ministry/ Handout

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Has this ever happened to you?

You’re walking along in your high-top running shoes heading for the basketball court, when suddenly there’s a BEACH!

The tide is coming in. You’re going to have totally soaked footwear for the game, unless you’re wearing MODULAR SHOES!

That’s right, with these new space-age shoes, zip-zip and your high-tops become flip-flops!

With this stylish, versatile product, boat shoes turn to jungle boots instantly! Rubber sandals become stiletto pumps! Loafers turn to cowboy boots!

Thanks to 40 pounds of zippers embedded in the design, you now only need ONE pair of shoes, for life!

Call now, and get these attractive steak knives as a bonus…

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A modular shoe is displayed at the “Bread & Butter” fashion trade show in Barcelona January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Every so often, we see a product that is so amazingly stupid it deserves our special attention.

Look at this photo from a luxury goods show in Romania, featuring a jacuzzi with a TELEVISION. What could possibly go wrong here?

“Welcome home, honey! Grab your drinkie and slip into the jacuzzi with me. I’m watching Dexter. How was your day?

“By the way, our insurance guy called to thank you for raising  your life insurance policy to $10 million - he said it was a smart thing to do.

“Hey honey, will you wash my back. My special sponge is over there behind the TV, under all those electrical wires…

“Oh, hon! Look how high this water sprays when I open the jets all the way!”

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Model sits in a jacuzzi at the 2008 Luxury Show in Bucharest, December 4, 2008. REUTERS/Mihai Barbu

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Blog Guy, I heard about some awesome new software that automatically makes you look better in photos than you do in real life!

Yeah, I know all about it. It was developed by computer scientists, and it works! The software applies a formula to turn original shot of this woman, on the left, into the more attractive version on the right.

Of course my blog team put it to the test in our lab, with impressive results.

Look at these original photos of Nick Nolte, Teri Hatcher and Angelina Jolie, compared with their “improved” versions on the right. This amazing software even puts them in better clothes, and added sunglasses for Nolte. How does it know?

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Above: Two pictures of a woman’s face, one modified (R) and one unmodified, are seen on a computer monitor in Jerusalem, November 18, 2008. REUTERS/Baz Ratner

Below:Combo of REUTERS photos and police booking photo handout of Nolte.

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Quick quiz: which of these are really great homemade?

a) tart, tangy double-crust apple crisp
b) flaky buttermilk biscuits with honey
c) a steaming pot of spicy chili
d) mortars

I hope you identified mortars as the one thing you should probably get from a reputable mortar store, not a basement metal workshop.

“Ma! Are them new mortar shells ready? The rally starts in 15 minutes!”

“Shaddup, ya ungrateful little creep! I slave over a tub of gunpowder all morning, and you come down at noon yammerin’ in yer dirty bathrobe! When this hot lead cools off, THAT’S when you’ll getcher damned mortar shells, Lonnie!”

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Supporters of the ruling Sandinista National Liberation Front party fire homemade mortars towards supporters of a mayoral candidate in Leon City, west of Managua, November 16, 2008. REUTERS/ Oswaldo Rivas

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So there’s a gadget show this weekend, and some of the stuff is pretty neat. A “robot guitar” that tunes its own strings, a solar-powered mobile phone charger, and best of all, a chair that uses powerful magnets to float in the air.

They say the hover chair feels like you’re “floating on a cloud,” but let’s get serious. That’s fun for what, two seconds? The real fun comes when you use those super magnets for evil:

• Hey Herb, nice new studs in your tongue! You wanna try my hover chair?
• Lola, take out your credit cards and count em while you relax in my chair!
• Dave, you still have that shrapnel in your butt from the war?

Oh crud! It turns out you have to pass some kind of maturity test before they’ll sell you one. Isn’t that always the way?

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Hover chair. REUTERS/Stuff Live/Handout

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Blog Guy, I’m shopping for a laptop. I know you’re really up on technology, so what should I be looking for?

Well, the model is VERY important.

Uh, sure, you mean like ThinkPad T61 vs. the PowerBook or whatever?

No, I mean the chick model they use to show off the laptop! For instance, I like this new model shown today with the skimpy halter top and bare midriff. Plenty to look at there.

But…I thought there was lots of other stuff I had to know about, like RAM and processing speed and everything.

Nah, that’s for geeks. Believe me, I’m still plenty happy with my …. wait, what is this gizmo, anyway? Yeah, my trusty Tandy TRS-80. Just get yourself one of those.

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above: Model poses with the Asus Eee PC S101 during a media launch in Taipei October 7, 2008. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

below: Lots of other Reuters photos of models with computers.

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We have a video report on a new airbag for the elderly to wear, which inflates instantly when it detects that they are falling.

This personal airbag is exciting technology, but I think it’s being wasted, what with just keeping old people from hurting themselves.

Yo dudes, check out MY cool ideas, which I’m patenting!

• BOXERS: Your personal airbag detects a punch coming, and your opponent gets a glove-full of instant cushion!
• CARTOON CHARACTERS: Your personal airbag detects a falling anvil, and you avoid painful squashing!
• WOMEN: Wear it as a bra. It inflates when some guy is checking you out.
• BULLFIGHTERS: Your airbag detects a charging bull and inflates, the sharp horns hit the bag, and…  Oh, wait. Maybe scratch that one.

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With sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss:

 I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere
I do not like green  eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Do you like to text and drive?
Would you like to stay alive?
Driving while you write with thumb?
Holy crap! You’re really dumb!

In yet another sign of the approaching Apocalypse, California has become the latest state to find that its drivers actually need to be TOLD they aren’t allowed to text message while driving.

Unfortunately, this version of the law seems to have been watered down from the one I’ve proposed, where text messaging within six inches of a steering wheel would automatically trigger a rusty buzz saw which instantly decapitates the driver and rockets his flaming head through the sun roof.

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A naked cyclist sends a text message in Hyde Park before setting off on the World Naked Bike Ride in London June 9, 2007.  REUTERS/James Boardman

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