“Oh cripes, Charlene, it’s him again! We call him Toilet Paper Guy. Don’t let him see us! He comes to this bar every Friday, wearing that outfit made of toilet tissue and paper towels. That’s what I’m looking for, a man that can’t afford fabric!

“His pickup lines are the worst! He calls himself the ‘quicker picker-upper,’ you know, from those ads. Last week he asked if I wanted to squeeze the Charmin. I was like, ‘No way, dork!’

“You know that tall redhead from sales? She left with him once, but they were walking to the car and it started pouring down rain. Well, like I don’t have to tell you what happened then…”

Toilet fashon slideshow and related post: “I do! Now may I tissue?”

A model displays a creation made of toilet paper and paper towels during a fashion show organized by a paper company in Lima, April 24, 2008. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

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Blog Guy, you give great travel advice. I would love to go overseas, but I’ve always been worried about, well, you know…

The bathroom situation? You’re not alone. A new poll shows Americans list their top five foreign travel concerns as:

1. can’t find bathrooms
2. dirty ladies’ rooms
3. dirty men’s rooms
4. having my kidney taken out while I sleep
5. rough, splintery toilet paper

But those days are gone in most destinations. Look at this brand-new public facility in Lebanon. Clean, no waiting. Of course, they do still have a little work to do on the privacy angle, and lighting would help at night.

More posts about  toilets

Woman walks in display of toilets to commemorate the Lebanese civil war between 1975-1990. The Beirut display is called ”Haven’t 15 years of hiding in the toilets been enough?!” REUTERS/Jamal Saidi

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Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr. Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.

He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”

That’s the kind of thing where the family makes up another story, like you went away to shoot an upcoming American Idol series or whatever. I’m pretty sure of one thing: every new outhouse they build there in the future will have a skylight…

Related post: No food? What kind of toilet IS this?

Royal flush? Britain’s Prince Charles walks out of a bush toilet during a visit to Australia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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Quick quiz: These lavatories, with mannequins in sexy outfits, are…

a) in the Playboy Mansion
b) at the Emperor’s Club escort service
c) in the lobby of the Victoria’s Secret home office
d) at a regular shopping mall in Portugal

The answer is d. I missed it, too. Of course, the real question about these things is, what do you do when your five-year-old child needs to go? “Joey, Daddy doesn’t know why those silly ladies are dressed like that. Listen, can you just hold it in, and we’ll be home in a few hours?”

Public lavatories decorated with mannequins at Sao Joao da Madeira shopping centre in northern Portugal in a March 13, 2008 picture. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Sometimes we write stories about the “world’s oldest living person.” It’s not a title to covet, since it doesn’t last long for obvious reasons.  

Which brings me to this thing in the photos, which we’re told is the “world’s oldest plane.” Would you want to go up in that? Doesn’t this mean that every single plane made before this one either crashed, fell apart or  disappeared over some ocean? So, you do the math. 

“Passengers, welcome aboard World’s Oldest Airlines!  We’ll be serving the world’s oldest pretzels, and showing the world’s oldest movie. That hole in the fuselage is the world’s oldest airplane toilet.  Don’t tamper with the world’s oldest smoke alarm…”

You may be better off in a gyrocopter or a homemade submarine

The world’s oldest plane, the 100 year old Bleriot XI, during the Al Ain International Aerobatics Championship in United Arab Emirates, January 24, 2008. REUTERS/Handout

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Jennifer Cannon married her Prince Charmin yesterday, and the couple started their new life together on a roll. They were wed in the Charmin Restrooms in New York’s romantic Times Square, and Jennifer wore a dress made from seven rolls of toilet paper. 

They seem to have gone overboard with that old superstition that on her big special day, a bride should wear “Something old, something new, something borrowed and something poo.” 

Naturally you get the connection between toilet paper and marriage? Well no, honestly I don’t, either. Anyway, I figure everything went fine until guests started spritzing the bride with champagne… 

Here is the slideshow:

Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols dance after exchanging vows at the Charmin Restrooms, a free public restroom facility in Times Square,  December  19, 2007. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine

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Quick quiz: these yummy chocolates are being served at…

a) a VIP party at the Savoy Hotel
b) a new, high-end Belgian chocolate shop on Fifth Avenue
c) a Victorian row house in posh Georgetown
d) a public toilet in Hong Kong

Unfortunately, the answer is the Hong Kong toilet, which by coincidence is one of the extremely few places where I myself would say “No, thank you” to chocolates.

I mean, I don’t care how much marble and mood lighting and fresh-cut flowers you have, it’s still a place where we all know why we’re there, and it isn’t to scarf truffles. Tara Joseph-Hui reports:

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A slogan among serious Internet hackers says that “information wants to be free.” A sentiment among some folks holds that fudge wants to be free, as well.

A woman was charged with burglary after police said she made a late-night raid on a fudge shop and escaped with as much fudge as she could carry.

According to the Washington Post, police who questioned her at a nearby hotel noticed that she had huge amounts of fudge stuffed in her pockets. Like, if that’s a crime, they might as well come and get me, too. But anyway, the story said the thief apparently tried to get rid of the loot by flushing it in a restroom, clogging a toilet in the process. It occurs to me that determining the toilet was clogged by rocky road fudge instead of, you know, the usual, is about the least glamorous police job I’ve heard about in a long time. Lindsay Claiborn reports:

Lovers of good food know you can find some of your best meals at little hole-in-the-wall places. But hole-in-the-FLOOR places, I don’t know.

It turns out, officials in Beijing are cracking down on food stalls that are attached to public toilets, in advance of next year’s Olympics. This makes me feel much better, because now I don’t be tempted to buy food from the person tending the toilet I’m standing in line to use, and I won’t have to learn the Chinese phrase for “eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!”

The fact that these toilet food stalls exist at all clearly means the concept of multi-tasking has been taken way, way too far. Here’s the story:

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A Beijing toilet attendant sells lottery tickets outside two mobile toilets in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS photo

Dear Blog Guy,
What’s the silliest thing you’ve seen so far, regarding coverage of Paris Hilton’s hard time in the Big House?
Just Wondering

That’s a tough call. I thought it was kind of amusing when we showed photos and video of what the bunk and toilet in her cell would look like, and I laughed out loud when I saw the murky footage of dark cars driving her to the jail. That segment resembled a Cold War Berlin prisoner exchange scene in some low-budget movie. Then there was the quote from her lawyer saying Hilton plans to use her jail time to reflect on her life and decide how she can “make the world a better place.”

But then, I came upon the photo below, of a wax museum’s model of Paris Hilton, wearing what somebody must think prison outfits look like, with a tourist posing next to it. I think that’s the one to beat at this point. Please use Post a Comment to tell us where you think it can go from here, and don’t be afraid of being too outrageous.

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A tourist poses with a wax figure of Paris Hilton dressed in prison wear at Madame Tussauds in New York June 4 2007. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid