Lamar, now that our fashion show is underway, please tell me you managed to keep costs down. I hope you didn’t throw away a lot of money on extravagances and luxury doodads.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were waiting, but what do you think?
Santa decided to go for a drink!
“My life really sucks!” he told bartender Steve,
“It seems like I’m working on EACH Christmas Eve!
“My marriage is finished, my wife says I’m weird,
“She don’t understand me, she don’t like my beard!
“I think I’ll try freedom, I’ll give it a whirl!
“Perhaps I’ll end up with a cheerleader girl!
“I’m totally serious! It isn’t a joke!
“I’ll tell you the best part, but I need a smoke!”
Then Santa went outside, now Dasher, now Dancer,
Too hammered to read the big warning of cancer,
The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
His cheeks were like roses, his eyes all a-twinkle,
He lurched to the men’s room, and stopped for a tinkle
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
He demanded another martini, dry
Then I heard him exclaim with his mouth like a potty,
“That fricking Blog Guy has been TERRIBLY naughty!
“I swear by my reindeer and each little hoofy,
“He’s been running photos of me that are goofy!
“I know who’s been good, and I know who has not,
“And on Christmas, that Blog Guy is opening squat!”
Top: Participants in SantaCon Boston 2010, a gathering of people dressed as Santa going from bar to bar, drink at the Asgard Pub in Cambridge, Massachusetts, December 18, 2010. REUTERS/Brian Snyder
Say, you guys are kinda cute! You come here often?
I see. Yeah, I’ve heard this is a bodybuilder bar, is that what you boys do?
Well, you have real sweet smiles, both of you. No wonder the girls all love this place. Some of those other bars are so stuffy, making guys wear shirts and pants!
Now and then an idea comes along that is so bad, it deserves a place in the Bad Idea Hall of Fame. Maybe you remember such brainstorms as the hotel bed-warming service, the “marriage hunting bra,” the plan to get civil servants to mingle with the public…