Quick quiz: the fashion model seen here…

- has the Mother of all Toothaches.

- shows how you can make a swell hat from toilet paper.

- is just learning to tie a turban.

- has a pathological fear of being killed freakishly, like Isadora Duncan.

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A model displays a creation from the Ralph Lauren Spring 2009 collection during Fashion Week in New York, September 12, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, you mentioned advertising deals for some of the Olympic athletes. Any idea who will be the first one to do a commercial?

There’s a lot of secrecy of course, but I have spies at the big ad agencies. It seems a number of women weightlifters are already trying out for a laxative commercial, and I’ve even obtained some of the audition photos.

Eeewww! A laxative commercial? Why weightlifters?

See for yourself.  They have that constipated look, and then the camera will pull back to show them lifting weights, as a voice says “Don’t be a dumbbell, use our laxative…” It’s Madison Avenue at its most creative.

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REUTERS photos by Yves Herman

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Blog Guy, me and my friends don’t read books at the beach any more. Instead, we use wireless to surf your blog and read it aloud to each other. It’s a great way to attract chicks. 

I wanted to be sure I had your most popular posts from the month of June. What were they?

These were my top five most popular posts for June. I’m using an unrelated photo because, well, do you want to see Victoria’s Secret models, or some guy with needles all over him?

5. And the fastest-growing stupid sport is…

4. Enjoy your lavish 38-cent lunch…move along…

3.  ‘Lock and load’ means it’s safe, right?

2. Toilet’s broken… Next one’s 210 miles south!

1. Yeah? Could a stupid guy do this?

Victoria’s Secret Angels pose during a 2008 appearance in New York. REUERS/Brendan McDermid

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This is the feel-good story of the month. It seems this woman trying to make “manure bombs” slipped into a tank of dung and fled the crime scene, naked. Police found her clothing in a field.

Now, a couple of observations. First, if it takes the cops more than 20 minutes to find her, they really suck. A naked, manure-covered chick  in a rural area stands out, except maybe during sorority hazing week. No guy in a car is going to pick her up, because, well, naked or not, a guy has to draw the line somewhere.

The other thing is, police say there were actually TWO women. The other one, who didn’t fall in, stuck around to help pull her naked friend out of the manure, which is far more than I would do for anybody I know. If this doesn’t put her on the fast track to sainthood, then what kind of world are we living in?

A man pours cow manure into his homemade biofuel producer in the community of Guazapa, El Salvador, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Luis Galdamez

If you’re aboard the International Space Station, the very last thing you want to see - maybe except for alien life forms seeping through the vents - is an “out of order” sign on the only toilet. Sadly, that’s pretty much the situation. They are up to their astronauts in plumbing problems.

Not to get indelicate, but crew members reportedly have been fumbling with plastic bags since their zero-gravity toilet made “a loud noise” and stopped working properly last week. Ewwwwwwww!

I’m guessing there’s more they aren’t telling us about. Like maybe an increase in ”space walks,” as crew members grab a tattered copy of NASA Magazine, scurry out the hatch, and give new meaning to “moon shot.” Anyway, new parts just arrived and they’re fixing the thing tomorrow. Or sooner, if the crew gets to vote.

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Help is on the way. At Cape Canaveral, Florida, technicians load toilet replacement parts aboard space shuttle Discovery, May 28, 2008. (NASA photos)

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Blog Guy, you don’t write about signs of the Apocalypse much lately. Is it no longer a threat?

Just the opposite. Signs are coming at us so quickly, it’s hard to keep up.

For instance, some guys have turned relieving themselves into a video game. You aim at sensors in the urinal to fight aliens, etc. Folks are queuing up to try, hence the expression, “Mind your pees and queues.”

Ah, I guess that DOES sound like the Apocalypse is near!

Well, the actual sign here will be when there is a short-circuit in the electronics while somebody is playing the game. We will see the most embarrassing obituary in the history of the world. Here’s our video report.

Learn to spot the Apocalypse from home!

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“Oh cripes, Charlene, it’s him again! We call him Toilet Paper Guy. Don’t let him see us! He comes to this bar every Friday, wearing that outfit made of toilet tissue and paper towels. That’s what I’m looking for, a man that can’t afford fabric!

“His pickup lines are the worst! He calls himself the ‘quicker picker-upper,’ you know, from those ads. Last week he asked if I wanted to squeeze the Charmin. I was like, ‘No way, dork!’

“You know that tall redhead from sales? She left with him once, but they were walking to the car and it started pouring down rain. Well, like I don’t have to tell you what happened then…”

Toilet fashon slideshow and related post: “I do! Now may I tissue?”

A model displays a creation made of toilet paper and paper towels during a fashion show organized by a paper company in Lima, April 24, 2008. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

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Blog Guy, you give great travel advice. I would love to go overseas, but I’ve always been worried about, well, you know…

The bathroom situation? You’re not alone. A new poll shows Americans list their top five foreign travel concerns as:

1. can’t find bathrooms
2. dirty ladies’ rooms
3. dirty men’s rooms
4. having my kidney taken out while I sleep
5. rough, splintery toilet paper

But those days are gone in most destinations. Look at this brand-new public facility in Lebanon. Clean, no waiting. Of course, they do still have a little work to do on the privacy angle, and lighting would help at night.

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Woman walks in display of toilets to commemorate the Lebanese civil war between 1975-1990. The Beirut display is called ”Haven’t 15 years of hiding in the toilets been enough?!” REUTERS/Jamal Saidi

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Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr. Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.

He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”

That’s the kind of thing where the family makes up another story, like you went away to shoot an upcoming American Idol series or whatever. I’m pretty sure of one thing: every new outhouse they build there in the future will have a skylight…

Related post: No food? What kind of toilet IS this?

Royal flush? Britain’s Prince Charles walks out of a bush toilet during a visit to Australia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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Quick quiz: These lavatories, with mannequins in sexy outfits, are…

a) in the Playboy Mansion
b) at the Emperor’s Club escort service
c) in the lobby of the Victoria’s Secret home office
d) at a regular shopping mall in Portugal

The answer is d. I missed it, too. Of course, the real question about these things is, what do you do when your five-year-old child needs to go? “Joey, Daddy doesn’t know why those silly ladies are dressed like that. Listen, can you just hold it in, and we’ll be home in a few hours?”

Public lavatories decorated with mannequins at Sao Joao da Madeira shopping centre in northern Portugal in a March 13, 2008 picture. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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