Oddly Enough Blog

How I spent my macho vacation…

Blog Guy, I need some of your famous travel advice. I’m a fairly dimwitted guy who never really grew up. Life hasn’t gone my way, and I need an experience to make me feel like I’m somebody.

So you’re looking for something you can brag about on Facebook, no matter how shallow it is, to keep your pathetic imitation of life going for another year?

You bet! All I have left now are shabby, contrived experiences!

This is your lucky day. We’ve just published a list of “extreme holiday adventures.” And by “extreme” I think we just mean very, very sad.

Bring ‘em on!

Okay, how about a “mountain safari,” in a helicopter whizzing right past lofty peaks that other people have actually climbed. Our story says it seats only two guests, and is “a downright romantic trip, allowing you to score major points with your girlfriend while conveniently involving superslick machinery.”

Seeing Libya, from surface to air!

Blog Guy, I could use some of your famous travel advice. With Libya being in the news lately I’d love to go see it, but I’m concerned about getting around. I’m not even sure how to get there. I’ll be starting my trip in Mexico, so I need to get…

From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli? No problem. Libya is already building up tourism, and offers fast, efficient ways to get from place to place, using the thousands of  unused missiles littering the country.

This happy family in the photo above is about to start their Libyan adventure, and they’ll see all the sights while cruising at a brisk 4,500 miles per hour. Sit down and buckle up, kids, we’re ready for takeoff!

That looks neat. Do they let you listen to your iPod on the flight?

Sure thing, but you should turn it on about 20 minutes before takeoff. Otherwise your music won’t catch up with you, what with traveling six times the speed of sound.

I love it when you make science simple, Blog Guy. How about the airports? Is it easy to tell where flights are going?

Repeat after me, “Fill the bag with money!”

Blog Guy, you know that odd city in Siberia that you call Wackytown? I’d like to visit it on one of your organized tours, but I’m wondering how many people there speak English?

You’re talking about Krasnoyarsk. I do know they do have English Language classes at a high security prison camp.

Really? What sort of English are they teaching to prison inmates?

Well, here on the right is a chart used in the class. You can see useful words such as disarrange, unhappy, misinform… You know, as in, “If you misinform me I will be unhappy, and I shall have to disarrange your face!”

Yikes! Is that a good idea? Are they teaching them whole phrases, too?

Let’s blow up a section of the chart, and see. Class, repeat after me, “Must I go to the BANK? We haven’t got any MONEY.”

So that’s basic cable, huh?

Lamar, we are very eager to see the new cable car system you’ve designed for our highest mountain, nearly 10,000 feet. May we take off the blindfolds now?

Absolutely. If you look through your binoculars toward Zugspitze, you’ll see the sleek, shiny cable cars of…

Excuse me, Lamar, it doesn’t look like there’s anyone inside that cable car. My GOD, there are people on TOP of it!

That’s right. That way, there’s a much better view and they can breathe in the mountain air.

But…but…what is inside the cars?

The easiest job on earth?

Blog Guy, I’ve just graduated from college, and I would like some of your famous career advice. Can you help me?

If it doesn’t take too long. What are you looking for?

I want the easiest job on earth. Let me make it clear. I want to live someplace wonderful, and have a job that takes no energy whatsoever. I want a job I couldn’t possibly screw up if I tried.

I’m sorry, you can’t have my job. However, I’ve searched the world and found something right up your lazy alley. How about being the Italian Tourism Minister?

You’re sure that’s easy enough?

Here’s the thing. Italy is probably the greatest place on earth outside the U.S. It’s beautiful, the people are charming, it has art, history, religion, fashion, culture, majestic views, beaches, and the food and wine are to die for.