Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

But the chicks will be dressed in sexy outfits too, right?

You still don’t get it. It’s their bar, their rules. They’ll be wearing white lab coats and camouflage trousers.

And stiletto heels?

No, combat boots.

That sounds awful! Why would anybody subject themselves to disgusting treatment like that?

I dunno. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

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Medical officers review a conscript at a military training center, the biggest in the former Soviet Union, in the village of Oster, near Kiev, October 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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Blog Guy, recently you blogged about that Oktoberfest thing in Germany - you know, the party with all the beer and the women with those huge, uh, mugs? I saw a travel ad for it that said, “Come to Germany and get frisky!”

I think you misread that. It said, “Come to Germany and get FRISKED.”

Frisked?

Yeah, look at these photos below. I gather some people must be trying to sneak in weapons.

So? What could possibly go wrong with bringing weapons into the “world’s biggest beer festival?”

I suppose the chance to shoot at guys playing oompah music is too much for some folks. Heck, I’m not sure I could resist it!

I guess I see  your point. I was wondering. Do you have any photos of the guards frisking the chicks with those big…

Those big smiles? No I don’t, sorry….

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Woman wearing traditional Bavarian Dirndl poses with beer during opening ceremony for the Oktoberfest in Munich, September 19, 2009. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

Security personnel frisk people before the opening ceremony. REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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I’m very reluctant to call anyone stupid. What? Yes, I HAVE used that word in 423 blog posts, which just goes to show my restraint.

So here is this story about “soccer legend” Diego Maradona. He checked into a weight-loss clinic in Italy, and finance police promptly seized his earrings to help pay off his back taxes.

Now, what’s odd about that?

Our story says three years ago tax police took two Rolex watches from Maradona when he was in Italy for a benefit match.

In 2005, they seized his payout for participating in a TV dancing show, and in 2001 he was met by 20 police officers as he got off a plane in Rome.

Now, if this happened to me with such regularity, I’d say, “WTF! Give me a map of Europe! I’m gonna figure out which place is Italy, and not go there anymore!”

But instead, this guy seems to pack for every visit saying, “I need to take something nice for the tax man….”

“Oh look, honey, they’re waiting for us at customs! Give me a necklace or something - it’s impolite to not bring them anything!”

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Left:Former Argentine soccer star Diego Maradona at a match in Buenos Aires, in 2006. REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci

Right: Argentina’s national soccer coach Maradona watches their World Cup 2010 qualifying soccer match against in Asuncion, September 9, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Dear Miss Johnson, my family went to Disney World. We rode on every ride. I threw up.

Lisa

Dear Miss Johnson, we went to Martha’s Vineyard. I saw President Obama. He waved.

Sean

Dear Ms. Johnson. Last Sunday, Mommy and I were on a bus. There was a truck full of roosters. Some guys called “hit men” drove by and killed two men in the rooster truck. Four days earlier in the same city, “hit men” went to a clinic, lined up patients and killed 17 of them. Next summer, I want to visit Hollywood.

Rosie

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A woman and her daughter look at a crime scene where hitmen killed two men in the border city of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, September 6, 2009. Four men were traveling in a truck loaded with roosters when they were attacked on Sunday afternoon in a drive-by shooting, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Irving liked exploring on his own, but at times he had the distinct impression strange characters were following and taunting him.

They often took the form of menacing mannequins. A woman wearing only a shawl, buck-naked men making rude faces, even a slender guy who must have been one of those “size zero” models.

He imagined  the mannequins took orders from a man in sunglasses and a Mao cap, using an untraceable mobile phone.

Irving reckoned the strange yellow symbols above the mannequins might be the key to the whole shebang, but they were unlike anything he had seen growing up in Biloxi, even that year he spent in high school.

Today, though, Irving was feeling very good about himself. His therapist had convinced him it was all in his mind, and he wasn’t going to fall for it and turn around. Life was good.

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A man speaks on the phone as he stands in front of a skeleton in a mannequin shop in Shanghai, August 27, 2009.

A man looks on as he stands outside the mannequin shop.

REUTERS photos by Nir Elias

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Blog Guy, I have a travel question. I hear about tourists going to faraway places and waking up in a bathtub with a kidney missing. Should I be afraid?

Only if you’re going to Vermont.

What about foreign countries? That’s where it seems to happen most.

Look, that’s pretty much an urban myth.

PRETTY MUCH? What does that mean?

Well, there is the infamous Hefei Subway, in China. Smart tourists know not to get on the Meatville stop heading in the direction of Slaughtertown. By the time it arrives, well…

Well what?

Do I have to spell it out for you? Let’s just say I hope this subway rider in the photo didn’t waste good money on a round-trip ticket.

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A laborer transports pork inside a van at a market in Hefei, China, August 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, I’m about to leave on my dream trip to China, to see the famous terracotta warriors. Any advice?

Stop! Don’t go in September, that’s vacation month for all those guys. The statue places will all be closed!

Excuse me, Blog Guy? Vacation month? They’re fricking clay STATUES!

Please, you can’t be that naive. All those statues you see around China are just guys with makeup. On the right you can see an artist painting one of the “statues.”

Now hold on. You’re saying that whole terracotta army is just a bunch of guys who get painted and then stand still all day?

It’s not like it’s the same boring thing all the time. They also paint some of the statues to look like real people, like these ones done up to look like the Clintons.

If you slip them a few bucks they’ll paint one to look just like you - it’s a great travel souvenir.

Vanishing artist video report

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Above and top left: Artist Liu Bolin, also known as the ‘Vanishing Artist’, is painted by an assistant as he makes himself look exactly the same as the wall of an old temple in a Hutong in central Beijing, August 26, 2009. REUTERS/David Gray

Lower left: U.S. President Bill Clinton poses with his daughter Chelsea and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton as they tour the terracotta warriors in China in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

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Okay group, the Rome Tourist Board hired us to crisis manage this horrible PR problem in the middle of tourist season. Their security guards are having a job action at one of the most popular attractions, the Colosseum.

Getting those protesting guards to leave the Colosseum could turn very ugly, but we’ve come up with a plan.

We’ve contacted some zoos in the area, and they are going to rent us some lions. Then we’ll send the lions into the Colosseum for a “historical reenactment” of those 2,000 year-old events we all know about.

If it’s as popular as we hope, it could be a regular attraction.

Earl, how are you coming along with the ESPN negotiations? They’re gonna have to pay through the eyeballs to show this one live, let me tell you!

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Above: A security guard demonstrates on top of Rome’s Colosseum, August 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessia Pierdomenico

Below left: Lioness at al Maglio zoo in Magliaso, Switzerland, in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Remy Steinegger

Below right: Guards shout slogans from top of Colosseum. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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Blog Guy, our family is going to Berlin for a vacation. Are there any museums we don’t want to miss?

For sure! Take your kids to check out the new condom museum, with the singing, dancing penis. It seems that a family planning group has…

Excuse me, Blog Guy, but that isn’t a penis, it’s a German national dish. According to these captions, this is a museum devoted to Curry Wurst - hot pork sausage seasoned with ketchup and curry powder.

Ewwwwww! Then I take back my advice to bring your small kids. They shouldn’t see something like curry wurst at a young age.

Oh, I don’t know. The museum tells about all varieties of the dish, even Luxury Sausage, “for the very special moments in life, curry wurst with gold leaf, served with champagne.”

Oh right. Nothing says luxury like a pimped-up sausage. Try saying this to your girlfriend: “Honey, I won the national lottery today, so tonight it’s gold leaf curry wurst and bubbly! Honey? Honey?”

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Above: A person dressed as a curry wurst mascot poses outside the entrance to the newly opened Curry Wurst Museum in Berlin, August 13, 2009.

Left: A display case shows a selection of curry sausage dishes, at the newly-opened museum. Curry Wurst is a German national dish that consists of a hot pork sausage seasoned with tomato ketchup and curry powder, and served with chips or bread rolls.

REUTERS photos by Tobias Schwarz

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