Blog Guy, I’m planning a trip to Russia soon and as a hotshot travel writer you know a lot about different cuisines. So like, in Moscow, is there anything I should avoid?

It all depends on your taste, but for the time being I’d steer clear of cheap kebab places.

Gosh, if you can’t trust a cheap kebab house in Moscow, what CAN you trust? Any special reason to avoid them?

Only that Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered, and selling other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.

Oh. But apart from that, no there’s no other problem with kebab houses there?

Uh, not apart from that human meat aspect, no.  Knock yourself out.

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Above: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (C) shares food with Cuban leader Raul Castro (L) in the official residence Zavidovo outside Moscow January 29, 2009. Medvedev hosted Castro with kebabs, salted wild boar’s fat and vodka. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Below: A worker cuts meat from a spit in a Kebab restaurant in Dortmund, Germany, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, my favorite actress is Marcia Gay Harden. Why isn’t she in more stuff?

Because Marcia divides her time between acting and her real love, working as the captain of a luxury cruise ship.

WHAT?

We caught up with her this week in New York City, aboard the Carnival Dream, tooting the horn, dropping the anchor and stuff, charting a course for Louisville or someplace like that.

Blog Guy, are you out of  your fricking mind? She’s just there to promote a new cruise ship. That’s it.

You know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But look at the caption. It has one of those NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS warnings on it.

So, why would they bring in a famous actress and then not be able to use the pictures for anything? No, I’m sticking with my original guess, that she’s the captain.

Blog Guy, do you always just “guess” at the so-called news you print here?

No, not always. Sometimes I just make it up completely.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden dons Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo’s hat while touring the ship’s bridge in New York City, November 12, 2009. Harden presided over ship’s naming ceremonies for the new ship. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/ Carnival Cruise Lines/HO) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Blog Guy, I see you’re Mister Travel Blogger these days. What’s the hot new trend in leisure travel?

These days, lots of readers come to me and say, “Bob, we’re tired of staying in luxury hotels when we travel. We would prefer to experience what it’s like to be a small rodent.”

Really? You get that a lot?

All the time. So I tell them about “Hamster’s Villa,” over there in France, where for $148 you can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a six-foot wheel to run in.

You just run and that wheel goes around and you don’t get anywhere?

Exactly. So what do you do, stranger?

I’m an office worker. You know, cubicle, conference calls, spreadsheets, the usual.

Cool. So then the Hamster Villa would be a real change of pace for you, huh?

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French architect Frederic Tabary poses inside the “Hamster’s Villa”, imagined and conceived by Tabary together with architect Yann Falquerho, in Nantes, France, November 8, 2009. For 99 euros ($148) a night, guests can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a wheel to run in. REUTERS/Stephane Mahe

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Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

But the chicks will be dressed in sexy outfits too, right?

You still don’t get it. It’s their bar, their rules. They’ll be wearing white lab coats and camouflage trousers.

And stiletto heels?

No, combat boots.

That sounds awful! Why would anybody subject themselves to disgusting treatment like that?

I dunno. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

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Medical officers review a conscript at a military training center, the biggest in the former Soviet Union, in the village of Oster, near Kiev, October 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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Blog Guy, recently you blogged about that Oktoberfest thing in Germany - you know, the party with all the beer and the women with those huge, uh, mugs? I saw a travel ad for it that said, “Come to Germany and get frisky!”

I think you misread that. It said, “Come to Germany and get FRISKED.”

Frisked?

Yeah, look at these photos below. I gather some people must be trying to sneak in weapons.

So? What could possibly go wrong with bringing weapons into the “world’s biggest beer festival?”

I suppose the chance to shoot at guys playing oompah music is too much for some folks. Heck, I’m not sure I could resist it!

I guess I see  your point. I was wondering. Do you have any photos of the guards frisking the chicks with those big…

Those big smiles? No I don’t, sorry….

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Woman wearing traditional Bavarian Dirndl poses with beer during opening ceremony for the Oktoberfest in Munich, September 19, 2009. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

Security personnel frisk people before the opening ceremony. REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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I’m very reluctant to call anyone stupid. What? Yes, I HAVE used that word in 423 blog posts, which just goes to show my restraint.

So here is this story about “soccer legend” Diego Maradona. He checked into a weight-loss clinic in Italy, and finance police promptly seized his earrings to help pay off his back taxes.

Now, what’s odd about that?

Our story says three years ago tax police took two Rolex watches from Maradona when he was in Italy for a benefit match.

In 2005, they seized his payout for participating in a TV dancing show, and in 2001 he was met by 20 police officers as he got off a plane in Rome.

Now, if this happened to me with such regularity, I’d say, “WTF! Give me a map of Europe! I’m gonna figure out which place is Italy, and not go there anymore!”

But instead, this guy seems to pack for every visit saying, “I need to take something nice for the tax man….”

“Oh look, honey, they’re waiting for us at customs! Give me a necklace or something - it’s impolite to not bring them anything!”

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Left:Former Argentine soccer star Diego Maradona at a match in Buenos Aires, in 2006. REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci

Right: Argentina’s national soccer coach Maradona watches their World Cup 2010 qualifying soccer match against in Asuncion, September 9, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Dear Miss Johnson, my family went to Disney World. We rode on every ride. I threw up.

Lisa

Dear Miss Johnson, we went to Martha’s Vineyard. I saw President Obama. He waved.

Sean

Dear Ms. Johnson. Last Sunday, Mommy and I were on a bus. There was a truck full of roosters. Some guys called “hit men” drove by and killed two men in the rooster truck. Four days earlier in the same city, “hit men” went to a clinic, lined up patients and killed 17 of them. Next summer, I want to visit Hollywood.

Rosie

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A woman and her daughter look at a crime scene where hitmen killed two men in the border city of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, September 6, 2009. Four men were traveling in a truck loaded with roosters when they were attacked on Sunday afternoon in a drive-by shooting, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Irving liked exploring on his own, but at times he had the distinct impression strange characters were following and taunting him.

They often took the form of menacing mannequins. A woman wearing only a shawl, buck-naked men making rude faces, even a slender guy who must have been one of those “size zero” models.

He imagined  the mannequins took orders from a man in sunglasses and a Mao cap, using an untraceable mobile phone.

Irving reckoned the strange yellow symbols above the mannequins might be the key to the whole shebang, but they were unlike anything he had seen growing up in Biloxi, even that year he spent in high school.

Today, though, Irving was feeling very good about himself. His therapist had convinced him it was all in his mind, and he wasn’t going to fall for it and turn around. Life was good.

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A man speaks on the phone as he stands in front of a skeleton in a mannequin shop in Shanghai, August 27, 2009.

A man looks on as he stands outside the mannequin shop.

REUTERS photos by Nir Elias

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Blog Guy, I have a travel question. I hear about tourists going to faraway places and waking up in a bathtub with a kidney missing. Should I be afraid?

Only if you’re going to Vermont.

What about foreign countries? That’s where it seems to happen most.

Look, that’s pretty much an urban myth.

PRETTY MUCH? What does that mean?

Well, there is the infamous Hefei Subway, in China. Smart tourists know not to get on the Meatville stop heading in the direction of Slaughtertown. By the time it arrives, well…

Well what?

Do I have to spell it out for you? Let’s just say I hope this subway rider in the photo didn’t waste good money on a round-trip ticket.

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A laborer transports pork inside a van at a market in Hefei, China, August 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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