Blog Guy, I’m about to leave on my dream trip to China, to see the famous terracotta warriors. Any advice?

Stop! Don’t go in September, that’s vacation month for all those guys. The statue places will all be closed!

Excuse me, Blog Guy? Vacation month? They’re fricking clay STATUES!

Please, you can’t be that naive. All those statues you see around China are just guys with makeup. On the right you can see an artist painting one of the “statues.”

Now hold on. You’re saying that whole terracotta army is just a bunch of guys who get painted and then stand still all day?

It’s not like it’s the same boring thing all the time. They also paint some of the statues to look like real people, like these ones done up to look like the Clintons.

If you slip them a few bucks they’ll paint one to look just like you - it’s a great travel souvenir.

Vanishing artist video report

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Above and top left: Artist Liu Bolin, also known as the ‘Vanishing Artist’, is painted by an assistant as he makes himself look exactly the same as the wall of an old temple in a Hutong in central Beijing, August 26, 2009. REUTERS/David Gray

Lower left: U.S. President Bill Clinton poses with his daughter Chelsea and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton as they tour the terracotta warriors in China in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

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Okay group, the Rome Tourist Board hired us to crisis manage this horrible PR problem in the middle of tourist season. Their security guards are having a job action at one of the most popular attractions, the Colosseum.

Getting those protesting guards to leave the Colosseum could turn very ugly, but we’ve come up with a plan.

We’ve contacted some zoos in the area, and they are going to rent us some lions. Then we’ll send the lions into the Colosseum for a “historical reenactment” of those 2,000 year-old events we all know about.

If it’s as popular as we hope, it could be a regular attraction.

Earl, how are you coming along with the ESPN negotiations? They’re gonna have to pay through the eyeballs to show this one live, let me tell you!

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Above: A security guard demonstrates on top of Rome’s Colosseum, August 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessia Pierdomenico

Below left: Lioness at al Maglio zoo in Magliaso, Switzerland, in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Remy Steinegger

Below right: Guards shout slogans from top of Colosseum. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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Blog Guy, our family is going to Berlin for a vacation. Are there any museums we don’t want to miss?

For sure! Take your kids to check out the new condom museum, with the singing, dancing penis. It seems that a family planning group has…

Excuse me, Blog Guy, but that isn’t a penis, it’s a German national dish. According to these captions, this is a museum devoted to Curry Wurst - hot pork sausage seasoned with ketchup and curry powder.

Ewwwwww! Then I take back my advice to bring your small kids. They shouldn’t see something like curry wurst at a young age.

Oh, I don’t know. The museum tells about all varieties of the dish, even Luxury Sausage, “for the very special moments in life, curry wurst with gold leaf, served with champagne.”

Oh right. Nothing says luxury like a pimped-up sausage. Try saying this to your girlfriend: “Honey, I won the national lottery today, so tonight it’s gold leaf curry wurst and bubbly! Honey? Honey?”

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Above: A person dressed as a curry wurst mascot poses outside the entrance to the newly opened Curry Wurst Museum in Berlin, August 13, 2009.

Left: A display case shows a selection of curry sausage dishes, at the newly-opened museum. Curry Wurst is a German national dish that consists of a hot pork sausage seasoned with tomato ketchup and curry powder, and served with chips or bread rolls.

REUTERS photos by Tobias Schwarz

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m going to London on vacation. Let’s say some evening after a great English meal I want to find a brothel. You know, a bawdy house. A bordello. A den of iniquity. Where do I go?

That’s easy. Just go to any no-sign door and knock.

Um, no-sign door?

Yes. As  you can see here, places that aren’t brothels have signs saying they’re not brothels, so anyplace with no ”not a brothel” sign probably is one.

Is that 100 percent foolproof?

Unfortunately, no. There are some brothels with a “not a brothel” sign, just to fool the police. Then again, there are some non-brothels with no sign, because it fell off.

I’m totally confused. So what should I do?

You should  wear a t-shirt that says, “I’m not looking for a prostitute, so if you’re not a prostitute let’s mess around and I won’t pay you.”

Cripes. That makes my head spin, but I’ll try it.

Fine. Just make sure you have plenty of British money with you to not pay her with.

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A sign is pictured above a door knocker in the Soho district of London, August 9, 2009. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

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From Japan comes news that the luxury brand Hermes will soon provide a new luxury helicopter service between luxury downtown Tokyo and luxury Narita Airport.

This is great for folks who hate making the long trip by taxi or bus, unless you’re bothered by the $790 one-way fare. Plus I’m sure they expect you to just give them $800 and say keep the change.

Here’s the thing. I lived over in Asia for years, and the first thing they do with any luxury item is make cheap knock-off copies. Very soon, copycat Hermes choppers will be offering to carry tourists to the airport for two bucks.

As with any knock-offs, some of them will work but some will flop off the buildings and crash immediately. Meanwhile, the Hermes Police will start blasting the knock-offs out of the sky, which will shorten some trips.

So for the next few months the place to be is in a slow-moving taxi with a sun roof, so you can watch the blazing aerial spectacle as you inch your way to the airport.

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Above: French customs official holds counterfeit Cartier watches in 2001 file photo, after seizing knock-off luxury goods bearing names of labels including Hermes, Fendi and Cartier. REUTERS/ John Schults

Right: Japan’s first Hermes helicopter is unveiled in Tokyo, August 7, 2009. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

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People often say to me, “Bob, how do you stay so thin?”

Of course they’re just being sarcastic and cruel, but it happens I am on an unusual diet these days, and expect to be ready for a Cape Cod beach vacation by November.

My secret? I’ve gone on the “Live with saggy naked people diet.”

It’s easy. You just live for a few weeks in a resort for “naturists,” which is what wrinkly naked people call themselves these days, and you go where they go.

Hungry? Just bike on over to the food counter and stand behind one of them while they order. Your appetite will be gone for hours.

Think you’ll just stop by the drug store for some candy? Once you see those people flipping through the magazines you will not only never eat candy again, you’ll probably never read magazines again, either!

I rarely do endorsements, but this is the easiest, most effective diet there is. Unless of course you’re already a saggy naturist. Then you’ve got a problem.

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Above: Naturists browse magazines from the display counter of a shop at the Heliomarin Centre in Montalivet, France, on August 5, 2009.

Left: Naturists wait to be served at a food counter at a shop at the Heliomarin Centre.

REUTERS photos by Regis Duvignau

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I have to admit July was kind of a goofy month for this blog, and I found that no matter how close I got to the edge, lots of you were right there with me, clicking and reading.

That’s right, you folks played along with the soldier and the melons, the nose-picker, the horrible swim-up bar, even, amazingly, the real honest-to-God snake oil salesman.

Here then, based on reader traffic, were my five most popular posts for July:

5. Who was that guy laughing during the memorial?

4. He’s pickin’ his nose in every shot!

3. Nice melons, soldier!

2. The WORST swim-up bar ever!

And the number one most popular post in this blog for July…

1. We found him! He really exists!

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A model presents a creation by designer Paraiso for Colombia’s brand Armonia in Cali, July 9, 2009. REUTERS /Jaime Saldarriaga

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Blog Guy, I’ve helped raise contributions for one of those fantastic floating hospitals, the ones that take operating rooms to distant places to help sick people. Why don’t you ever write about those?

Well, I’m sure some of them are wonderful, but some I’ve seen first-hand have been a bit disappointing. Like the one in this photo.

Gosh, that may be the one I supported! I must say, the ship looks much larger in the stuff the charity sends out to solicit funds.

Just trick photography. This so-called “floating hospital” doesn’t even have a gift shop or a rude receptionist. Not even a tiny closet where the nurses and doctors have sex, like on television.

How disappointing. So what diseases does this one mostly treat?

It specializes 100 percent in treating sea sickness.

Hold on. Surely the patients wouldn’t HAVE sea sickness if they weren’t taken out on choppy waters in this little-bitty crappy raft?

You catch on quickly. Take them back to dry land, and they’re fine almost instantly. Didn’t you ever wonder why the treatment success rate was so high?

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A “surgical team” takes part in the “Sailing on Anything” floating championships on the Netta River in Augustow, Poland, July 26, 2009. Participants are required to construct “machines” without an engine that are able to travel a minimum of 400 yards. REUTERS/ Peter Andrews

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Blog Guy, I normally love tropical swim-up bars. There’s nothing like paddling over for a refreshing cocktail.

But this week I’m staying at an Italian seaside resort, and I can’t figure out their system. The drinks were already made, but they pulled them away when I tried to grab one. Not only that, they used these long poles to beat me senseless.

How terribly odd. You aren’t by any chance in Ostia, are you?

Yes! How did you guess?

The world acquatics championships are there, and I believe you saw a “feeding station,” where coaches use poles to deliver drinks to their swimmers during the competition.

Now I feel like an idiot!

Well, I’m sorry you had to swim away thirsty.

Who said I did that? I got four piña coladas. They can beat me with a pole all they want, but they’re not keeping me away from my rum. By the way, do you think they’d pay for treating my concussion?

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Above: South Africa’s Natalie Du Toit takes a drink at a feeding station for the women’s 10 km open water race at swimming championships in the seaside resort town of Ostia, July 22, 2009.

Left: Coaches prepare to deliver drinks to their athletes during the men’s 10 km open water race.

REUTERS photos by Alessandro Bianchi

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Blog Guy, I just got back from a trip to Europe and I have to complain about the border security guys who examined our luggage. What idiots! I mean, a baboon could do a better job!

It’s funny you should mention that. Over in England, they’re training baboons to do that very task.

No way!

Way. Check out this video clip. As you can see, a crack team of baboons is able to search and clear a whole car in just 38 seconds.

That’s a pretty funny clip, but knowing you there must be some other angle. Something really stupid, right?

Busted. Yes, it cracks me up that we’re told this clip is a “staged recreation of recent events.”

Think about it. “Hello, Ms. recent film school graduate. Your job is to load a car and then get a bunch of baboons to rip it apart. Here’s your script. You’ve got two weeks, and I want it to look real!”

I’ll tell you, I’d pay good money to see the out-takes…