Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Buckle up, I’ll bewitch you shortly…

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Blog Guy, I’m coming to you because I know you build airplanes as a sideline. My company just bought a new, state-of-the-art Falcon 900EX.

I know that plane well. Supple leathers seats, glistening veneers, soft, deep pile carpeting. Goes 4,550 nautical miles nonstop. Is there a problem?

BOLIVIA/It won’t start. We put fuel in it and everything.

And you witch-doctored it real good?

WHAT?

Sigh. You didn’t bring in witch doctors to bless the thing before you tried starting it?

No. How were we supposed to know that?

RTFM! Read the f—ing manual! You’re going to have to scrap it now and buy a new one.

It Alps if you don’t look down…

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GERMANY/

Blog Guy, you used to offer a valuable travel service by writing about places to stay away from. For the past three summers my family has taken your advice and crossed dozens of destinations off our list, but now we’re at a loss as to where not to go.

I’m sorry, reader. I hope it’s not too late for you to stay at home again this summer, because they’re about to open another “Are You Fricking Kidding Me?” tourist attraction over in Germany.

Just head for the sea, Lee, and dress like the Klan, Stan…

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FASHION/Blog Guy, my husband has a fashion problem, and I’m hoping you can help. See, he’s in the Klan, and…

Let me stop you right there. The Ku Klux Klan?

Sure. The Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. You know, the KKK.

Then he has a lot more than a fashion problem, lady.

See, there it is, that attitude! Your blog has given fashion help to  zombies, smurfs, firing squad victims, train robbers, satyrs, gladiators’ wives, but you draw the line at this, in spite of the Blogger’s Code.

Welcome to the “Not So Great Lakes”

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Blog Guy, I really envy you working journalists. I just saw a picture of the view from the press center at that G20 Summit up in Toronto, and it’s gorgeous! A waterfall and a lake? How do you get any work done?

G20/Well first, I don’t ever get much work done. And second, if you take a look at a wider angle you’ll see that this is just a still photo projected on a big-screen television at the press center. The “lake” is a shallow indoor pool surrounded by canoes and Adirondack chairs.

Come for the beaches, stay for the bloodbaths

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MEXICO/

Jeez, I couldn’t make this news stuff up, even if they paid me a lot more than they do.

There is a serious drug war going on down in Mexico. Images of gruesome decapitations, charred and tortured bodies hanging from bridges, and brazen daytime shoot-outs are commonplace in the media.

Goofy new attraction for Doughnut Day

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OBAMA/

Blog Guy, did I read someplace that your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop is turning into a wax museum as well?

Well, not exactly, but in the tourist entertainment business it’s a fact of life that you have to have a couple of wax figures, just to pull the hayseeds in off the streets.

Hey, we’re out of paper towels!

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Blog Guy, I see that President and Mrs. Obama had a little getaway this weekend. That’s nice, especially after those worrisome signs of stress you wrote about recently. So what did they do?

They went to North Carolina and toured the famed Biltmore Estate. It was a rare opportunity for them to see a historic mansion and be surrounded by priceless antiques.

The penalty for tampering with a smoke detector is…

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These are scary times to be flying, what with nutjobs and clouds of ash and stuff. Passengers understandably are attuned to the slightest indication that there may be something amiss.

POPE-MALTA/Which is why you probably don’t want to be settling in shortly after take-off and see the pope walk into your cabin. I mean, that can’t be a good sign, can it?

A fish called Luanda?

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Blog Guy, don’t you have a vacation coming up? I guess as a top travel writer you must know all the best destinations.

Yeah, I had been thinking about Dublin or Edinburgh, but then I read a travel piece called Travel Postcard: 48 hours in Luanda, Angola, and it totally sold me on going there.

Where in the world is Susan Sarandon?

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Blog Guy, I have a bone to pick. You used to do a MUCH better job of covering actress Susan Sarandon’s vacations. That’s the only reason most people come to this stupid blog!

Yes, I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’ve let you down, but let me make it up to you.