Geez, this is some kind of horrible nightmare!

I’m in my Econo Lodge motel room in Montana, and I’m ready for a perfect evening - a tumbler of creme de menthe, the TV Guide crossword puzzle, and some good sitcoms. Maybe “Dick Van Dyke” or “Laverne and Shirley.”

But NO! It turns out the only thing on TV here is reruns of  “Those Darned Clintons,” and I’ve seen every episode! That wacky wife who always wants to be in the show, the nutty husband who makes everybody call him “Mr President” even though he isn’t… 

Yeah, here’s the episode where she sneaks onto the podium at a convention and nominates herself. I’ve seen it. Where’s that freaking remote, anyway?

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Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama, in Billings, Montana, watches Senator Hillary Clinton deliver her speech at the 2008 Democratic National Convention, August 26, 2008. REUTERS/Jim Young

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Quick quiz: The women below are…

a) Weather ladies on a local TV news show
b) Berry Girls at a strawberry shortcake festival
c) Cheerleaders

They are Chinese cheerleaders. I was surprised too, since this isn’t how most guys think cheerleaders should look. I’m pretty sure these outfits were patterned after the ones worn by Puritan cheerleaders at the Salem witch trials, but clearly the designer also was influenced by “I Dream of Jeannie” reruns.

In my opinion, if even one guy in China sees a video of a Dallas Cowboys game and catches a glimpse of their cheerleaders between now and the Olympics, the result is not going to be pretty.

Cheerleaders warm up as they wait for the start of the Xinjiang leg of the Olympic torch relay in Urumqi, Xinjiang province, China, June 17, 2008. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

“I Dream of Jeannie” publicity photo

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Blog Guy,

I’ve read that the most common recurring dream is that one where sitcom stars from years ago are flying off, waving good-bye to Earth. I have that one almost every night, and it’s always Gary Coleman - you know, from Diff’rent Strokes. I wake up with the cold sweats. What about you?

Sure, I have that dream, just like everybody else. But in my version, it’s always the kid from “Leave it to Beaver.” He’s waving at me, and he looks so peaceful.

Bye, Beav! Fare thee well! Now you’re safe from Eddie Haskell, safe from Lumpy Rutherford…

That’s awesome! Hey, I’ll show you a brain scan of my dream if you’ll show me one of yours.

It’s a done deal. I’ll even put them in my blog.

More dream brainscan images in a slideshow

Actor Gary Coleman is lifted by wires over the audience during taping of TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, June 8, 2008.

Actor Jerry Mathers, who starred in “Leave It To Beaver,” is lifted over the audience during the taping.

           REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

We’ve lamented the scourge of Hollywood remaking classic films many times. Tacky updates of The Great Escape, The Birds and others. Well, it makes even less sense to tamper with great moments from the golden age of television.

Any list of classic early TV scenes is bound to include Lucy and Ethel on the chocolate line. So, imagine my chagrin at seeing footage from an apparent cable TV effort to recreate this iconic sketch.

Sorry, these guys just DON’T get it. Here’s a hint, folks, the conveyor is supposed to SPEED UP. That’s the comedy! What you have here is just eight minutes of workers wrapping bonbons and talking about miniature schnauzers. I laughed maybe four times, tops. I bet they’d do the Vitameatavegamin scene with MINERAL water!

Related post: Tape the chandelier to my head, Fred

(above) TV grab from original “I Love Lucy” show.

(below) Workers oversee a chocolate line at the Harry & David factory in Medford, Oregon May 16, 2008. REUTERS/Adam Tanner

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Welcome to the finals of the National Science Project Hat Design competition, here at the Tropicana Club. You young ladies should be very proud!

Third place, on the left, goes to Jill’s intricate double helix DNA model! Second place, in the middle, is Kate’s model of our entire solar system, including that little thingy that isn’t even a planet anymore. Congratulations!

And FIRST PLACE, over on the right, goes to… LUCY! Is that you? Wearing the chandelier from the lobby? You can’t be in the show! Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do! Ai yai yai yai yai!

Lost Lucy episode: Ethel’s Funeral

Models present creations by designer Dorian Ho at Fashion Week in Sydney, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Tim Wimborne

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Do you recognize this guy? Thirty years ago you knew him as what’s-his-name, one of the Sweathogs on television’s “Welcome Back, Kotter.” Yes, he was one of the actors who simply appeared in the credits as “Not John Travolta.”

Three decades later his suit has shrunk and is a little moth-eaten - okay, they’re actually eating the sleeves right now - but he’s back in a new spinoff called “Welcome Back, Guy Who Wasn’t John Travolta.”

With typical network television imagination, the premise is that now THIS guy is the teacher, and Kotter is the wise-cracking school principal, and that crusty principal from the original show is now just a nasty old coot who hangs around the office cleaning his ears with a paperclip.

Related post: Truth, or spoof?

A model presents a creation from Portuguese designer Nuno Gama’s Autumn/Winter 2008-2009 collection during Lisbon Fashion week in Estoril March 9, 2008. REUTERS/Nacho Doce

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Remember when you were a kid, arguing about who would win in a fight between Wonder Woman and Batman, and stuff like that? Well, hold on to your hat, because scientists have just revealed that the Tyrannosaurus rex could outrun today’s athletes. I’m not making this up.

…this carnivore was certainly capable of running and would have little difficulty in chasing down footballer David Beckham, for instance, said one paleontologist in our news story.

Now, this isn’t a major worry for anybody except maybe The Flintstones, because 65 million years ago it turned out that dinosaurs couldn’t outrun a meteor. But still, using this valuable new research and the lifelike calculator on my laptop, I am now prepared to say:

- A Tyrannosaurus can just forget about catching David Beckham’s awesome open-top Aston Martin
- A Tyrannosaurus riding on Seabiscuit might be able to catch Beckham on the homestretch
- A speeding Tyrannosaurus who fails to come to a full stop on my street will have to deal with the lazy cop who waits by the park, looking for easy pickings

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An animatronic model of a Tyrannosaurus performs during a media call show of the production “Walking with Dinosaurs” in Sydney January 10, 2007. REUTERS/Tim Wimborne

Dear Blog Guy,
I’ve seen that you sometimes track down hard-to-find pictures and video for people, and I really have a challenge for you. I have a list of extremely unlikely combinations of people I’d love to see together, and it would be totally awesome if you could arrange for any of my top three combinations:

• Winona Judd and Muammar Gaddafi
• J.D. Salinger and Evil Knievel

• The guy who played J.J. on “Good Times,” and that columnist Ann Coulter

Waiting to be Dazzled

Well, Waiting, it took a lot of hard work, but I think you’re going to be very impressed:

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Jimmie ‘J.J.’ Walker, best known for his work on the comedy series “Good Times”, and columnist Ann Coulter pose together backstage at the taping of the 5th Annual TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, California April 14, 2007. REUTERS/Max Morse

In retrospect, I can see why the network got cold feet and decided not to show this I Love Lucy episode back in 1956.

Lucy’s friend Ethel Mertz dies, and Lucy buys an expensive black dress to wear to the funeral but she can’t figure out how to put it on, and she finally races into the service late, barefoot, with bits and pieces of black dress hanging everywhere, just barely holding it on in bunches with her fists.

The black bow-tie hanging over her face would have been a classic under different circumstances. Anyway, you read it here first.

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A model wears a design from Mexican designers group Rexona Crystal Style’ Autumn/Winter collection during Mexico fashion week in Mexico City March 15, 2007. REUTERS/Henry Romero

Wow. Good times. We all remember the classic I Love Lucy episode where Lucy really wanted to meet Liberace, so she stuffed lots of peacock feathers and other camouflage in her belt and crept onto his stage, but it turned out she was dragging that curtain with her, and his candelabra caught the curtain on fire, and…

Oh heck, that’s not what’s happening here at all. This is just another ever-so-attractive creation unveiled at the Milan Fashion Week, a glimpse of what we’ll all be wearing next fall.

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A model displays a creation by Kei Kagami as part of the Women’s Fall-Winter 2007/2008 collections during Milan fashion week in Milan February 23, 2007. REUTERS/Alessandro Bianchi