Happy Father’s Day, Blog Guy! What’s the thing that makes you think most about fathers and sons on this special day? Baseball? Fishing?

Television. Especially classic TV, when Dad came home from the office in a suit and kept it on until bedtime, and maybe didn’t even take it off then. To me, nothing says father like a scripted dad getting paid to love his pretend kids.

This week, there was an event reuniting make-believe good TV dads and former child actors. But it ignored the more interesting bad dads, like Tony Soprano, Archie Bunker, Homer Simpson…

And there’s Bryan Cranston, a mediocre father in “Malcolm in the Middle” and now, in “Breaking Bad,” a dad who makes and sells major supplies of crystal meth. Gee Dad, you’re the greatest!

Don’t you think Tony Soprano was the worst-ever TV dad?

Are you kidding me? I guess you don’t watch “The Tudors.” Tony Soprano was a regular Andy Griffith compared with Henry VIII.

“Daddy, I’m leaving the castle to go Christmas shopping for mommy!”

Oh Elizabeth, I wouldn’t worry too much about that, heh heh heh!”

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Above: Actor Dick Van Dyke (L) of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” poses with his TV son, actor Larry Mathews, as they arrive for “A Father’s Day Salute to TV Dads”  hosted by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences in Los Angeles,  June 18, 2009.

Left: (Rear L-R) Actors Bill Paxton from “Big Love,” Jon Cryer from “Two and a Half Men,” Patrick Duffy from “Dallas” and “Step by Step,” Stephen Collins from “7th Heaven,” Reginald VelJohnson from “Family Matters” and (front L-R) Dick Van Patten from “Eight is Enough,” Dick Van Dyke from “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and Michael Gross from “Family Ties.” REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, can you clear something up for me? I saw photos of President Barack Obama and other major European leaders at the D-Day ceremonies in France, but there is one guy in a uniform who isn’t identified.

Yes, I noticed that, too. I believe he is Captain Kangaroo.

Excuse me? Why would Captain Kangaroo be with world leaders?

He was a war hero in World War II, fighting alongside actor Lee Marvin. So it makes sense.

Not really, since a) that Lee Marvin/Captain Kangaroo urban legend has been widely debunked, and b) Captain Kangaroo is dead and c) you’re a total moron!

You know, I think Captain Kangaroo was a NAVY captain, so it must be someone else. Maybe he’s the head of the military junta that runs Belgium. I’m glad I was able to help.

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Above left: Captain Kangaroo

Left: France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy speaks with U.S. President Barack Obama as they walk with Britain’s Prince Charles, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown before a ceremony in France to mark the 65th anniversary of D-Day, on June 6, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Feferberg/Pool

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Oh my God!

Ralphie, what’s wrong?

That chick coming this way. That’s my Internet date! I recognize her from her picture, and I think she’s really pissed!

No! Nobody uses their real picture online! What does she think YOU look like?

I may have sent her a shot of Hugh Jackman. What the hell am I going to say to her? What if the OTHER stuff she told me about herself is true, too?

Like what?

Like she’s a Supreme Imperial Goddess from another galaxy and she’s here to meet guys to see if her people will let us live! She says she has SUPERPOWERS! Do you think she does?

Are you out of your mind, Ralph? Look at her! How could she NOT have superpowers? You think maybe she’ll just kill YOU and spare the rest of us?

Hamana-hamana-hamana

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A model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands at a show during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

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Blog Guy, Since you seem to be writing about television these days, are you following the great Showtime series, The Tudors?

You bet! I don’t know how the writers keep coming up with these twists. How many wives do you think that dude is gonna HAVE before it’s over, anyhow?

Um, actually six, I think.

WHOA! SPOILER ALERT! STOP!

It’s not that much of a spoiler, Blog Guy. You can look it up. Right now he’s got Anne, the skanky German wife, but soon…

No! I know too much already! Look at the publicity photo below. It seems the next wife will be Queen Jumbo-Head, who will scare the living bejesus out of Henry, make his hair stand on end and give him the Hootchie-Koochie Eye!

Um, right Blog Guy, whatever you say. I must admit that IS a very revealing portrait. Most of Henry’s wives, you just see a head shot, if you take my meaning…

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Above: “The Tudors” publicity poster

Below: Fashion Designer Donatella Versace and Irish actor and model Jonathan Rhys Meyers pose for photographers on the red carpet for the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, in Washington, DC, May 9, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Theiler

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve blogged about the TV series “24″. I see the two-hour season finale is coming up. Is it too late for me to start watching?

Geez, why would you think that, just because you’ve missed 22 hours?

So the ship has sailed?

Nah, you can always jump into this series just for the finale, as long as you remember the unfailing “24″ rules:

• Everyone you think is good is really bad
• Everyone you think is dead is really alive
• Everything you think Jack Bauer’s daughter knows, she doesn’t
• Everyone who ever worked for CTU was a mole, but somehow they all missed seeing each other at the annual CTU Mole Christmas Party

That’s awesome! When did you figure all this out?

I guess it was in Season Five, when Mother Teresa opened fire on the U.S. President with an Uzi, but Adolf Hitler stepped up and saved him.

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Above: Cast member Kiefer Sutherland poses at a screening of the season finale of “24″ in Los Angeles, May 12, 2009.

Below clockwise: Cast members Annie Wersching, Carlos Bernard, Mary Lynn Rajskub and Elisha Cuthbert at the screening.

REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

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“I’m gonna need a hacksaw!”

Fans of the TV series “24″ will recognize that quote from Jack Bauer, the agent Kiefer Sutherland plays, just before he decapitated some poor guy.

Sutherland is charged in an alleged “headbutting” incident at a “swank party”  in New York City this week, but I don’t buy it. If the dude accusing him is still breathing, it’s not Jack Bauer’s style.

As Jack would say, “Let’s get something straight, kid. The only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t want to carry you.”

So I have a couple of things to say about this:

• Personally, I’ve never been to a party so “swank” that the entertainment was Jack Bauer head-butting people, but that would be my dream someday. I bet the food was great, too!
• This guy making the accusations? How much does he know about the missing canister of pathogen?
• This season isn’t over yet. If you see Jack Bauer between the hours of 5 a.m. and 8 a.m. in the next few days, boy are YOU in the wrong frickin’ place!

Folks may say this was just a publicity stunt for the season finale, but that’s not Jack’s way. If he wanted publicity, he’d be pointing a Glock at me right now, and… Come on in, the door’s unlocked…

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Actor Kiefer Sutherland leaves police station in New York, May 7, 2009. Sutherland was arrested and charged with assault for headbutting a man. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

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BLOG GUY! I’m SO excited! I just heard my favorite TV show from the last century may return! Do you recall Mystery Science Theater 3000?

Sure. MST3K was my favorite, too. A guy and some robots were up in space, and an evil genius made them watch the worst movies, as an experiment.

You would see the awful movie, and in the foreground the shadowy cast would make funny remarks from theater seats. Very hip, smart-ass pop culture stuff.

I KNEW you’d be a fan! You don’t have any more of a life than I do! Is it being revived?

Not really. I saw a screening of a new one where the guys just make fun of an aquarium. As you see below, that gets old really fast.

That’s so depressing. Are their riffs even funny at all?

Only if you can laugh at Tom Servo shouting, “Look at that big fat fish!”

Sigh. Guess I’ll just have to be content with your blog, then.

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Above: MST3K screen grab

Below: Pacific bluefin tuna swim in a fish tank at Tokyo Sea Life Park in Tokyo, May 3, 2009. REUTERS/Issei Kato

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Okay guys, for reasons that baffle me, the stupid network dropped our Police Pope! series. It’s a blow, but we’re back in the lineup this fall with something even better: Jacob’s Ladder!

The new premise is that the Pope used to be a fireman. He still misses the action, see, so the Italian firefighters call him in on really tough fires.

Look at these publicity stills. Putting on his helmet, racing to the action in his car, directing the other firemen on the scene. It’s a natural!

Roy, put together a trailer. The Pope sliding down his special Vatican fire pole, running out of a burning building carrying somebody over his shoulder, rough-housing with the squad’s Dalmatian.

And Roy, the trailer has to end with that scene from the pilot, where the fire chief says, “Your Holiness, this is the worst blaze ever!”

The Pope looks at the camera, winks, and says, “Not even close, chief!”

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Above: Pope Benedict XVI tries on a firefighter’s helmet during a visit to a Guardia di Finanza barracks in L’Aquila April 28, 2009. Pope Benedict comforted survivors of Italy’s earthquake. REUTERS/ Vigili del Fuoco/Handout

Left top: Pope Benedict XVI arrives in the destroyed village of Onna, near Aquila, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/Max Rossi

Left bottom: Pope Benedict XVI greets a fireman after visiting a church in the destroyed village of Onna, near Aquila, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Blog Guy, I really love Amy Poehler - you know, from Saturday Night Live! Isn’t she in some new show on TV?

Yes.

Hey, thanks for that information. I’d love it if you could run a picture of her in your blog.

No problem. Here you go.

Uh, you know, that probably isn’t the one I would have chosen. I also love former SNL star Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Didn’t she also do a sitcom after SNL?

Yes.

Wow, it seems there’s nothing you don’t know about the TV scene. If it’s not too much trouble could you also run a photo of her? And let me be more specific here. One where you can see all of her, instead of just half.

Of course. Here you go, slick.

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Presenter Amy Poehler helps Legacy of Laughter award winner Julia Louis-Dreyfus pick up coins as part of a comedy bit at the taping of the TV Land Awards in Los Angeles, April 19, 2009. The awards show honors classic TV shows and will be telecast April 26 on the TV Land cable channel. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, I’m in Germany and I want to update myself on American television.

Sure. I watch about 21 hours a day, so how can I help you?

Some actors are here today promoting a show called “Dexter.” What’s it about?

It’s about a serial killer.

Cool! And who’s the hero?

The serial killer. It’s very dark and bloody.

Oh, I think I read about that. The guy is a teacher who sells crystal meth, right?

No, you’re thinking of “Breaking Bad.” That’s also dark. And bloody.

Ah. And the teacher also sells weed, right?

No, that’s “Weeds,” another show about regular people selling drugs.

Is “Weeds” the one with the doctor who’s a twisted addict and hates his patients?

No, that’s “House.” It’s very, very dark…

Sigh. And bloody?

How the heck did you guess?

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Above: Actor Michael C. Hall signs autographs in front of Brandenburg gate to promote his series “Dexter” in Berlin, March 11, 2009.

Below: Actors Hall and Jennifer Carpenter pose for media in front of Brandenburg gate.

Reuters photos by Hannibal Hanschke

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