Oddly Enough Blog

The VERY WORST new retail trend?

There is a retail trend that seems to be spreading and we need to stamp it out now, before it gets out of control. I’m talking about a store that offers free stuff to people who show up to shop in their underwear. Here are several examples, including one from just last week.

So far, this strategy has been confined to just a few clothing stores, but that doesn’t mean it won’t catch on, and soon we’ll all be wearing nothing but underwear when we go shopping for anything. Who needs that?

“Earl, here’s the grocery list. Hey, hotshot, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh crap, I’m wearing a shirt and trousers! What was I thinking? Here we go, I’m down to only my briefs now, sweetie. Thanks for spotting that.”

“Don’t forget to hit the drugstore for your hemorrhoid cream, Earl. And pick up some bleach. I guess I should try to get your underpants cleaner, now that everybody can see them.”

“I’ll say!  And remember we’re test driving new cars this afternoon.  I’m not looking forward to my sweaty back sticking to those hot leather seats!”

You lookin’ at me?

Hey Clancy, thanks for gettin’ us into that party, but I must say it creeped me out a little.

Really, Lamar? What was wrong?

Are you kidding me, Clancy? That one chick had her eye on me all evening.

I guess I didn’t notice her. Was it the brunette in the skullcap?

Nope, it was another one. She had me in her mind’s eye, for sure.

And another creepy thing was that strange chick who paid that short guy with the elbow-length rubber gloves to walk behind her as part of her outfit.

Welcome to Brassieres 101, ladies…

Okay ladies, thank you for coming to the Victoria’s Secret “bra launch” today. We’re sure you will enjoy your new purchases.

You were wise to sign up for this class on how to wear a brassiere, a must for any young woman going out into the world.

OUCH! Who did that? Who flung this bra at me with the elastic? See, that’s not what “bra launch” means, ladies!

Let’s start by taking them out of the package, and… Miss, you in the blue dress? It’s going to go in the front, not the back…

I’m sorry, Ma’am, these are NOT earmuffs. No, they’re not surgical masks, either…

Go ahead, I’ve seen worse… Well, maybe not…

Blog Guy, what is your policy on negotiating with extremists?

My what?

Your policy. Now that you qualify as a Senior Blogger, you have to take some shifts directing counter-terrorism tactical units. You didn’t see that in the Facebook Network rules?

No, I guess I just clicked on AGREE, like everybody else. But I’ll tell you this, I will never negotiate with extremists. We will not compromise.

So what kind of heinous group are they from, anyway, and what are they threatening to do?

They are average people from Belgium, threatening to take off all their clothes in public.

Ma, do you do my shorts on hot, or warm?

Hey Ma, my clothes seem different somehow. Are you using a new laundry detergent?

No. Same detergent.

Hmmmm. New fabric softener?

No. Same fabric softener.

Weekend at Bernie’s?

Two days ago I wrote about an auction where the government was going to sell a bunch of stuff belonging to big-time swindler Bernie Madoff, including some of his underwear and a pair of monogrammed slippers…

So just to update you, the auction was yesterday and it raked in more than $2 million. A 10-carat diamond ring alone fetched $550,000.

Believe it or not, somebody paid $6,000 for the Madoff slippers, and a grouping containing the sleazebucket’s underwear and socks went for $1,700. That’s right, $1,700.

The high-rollers who bought those personal items might want to see this transcript from listening devices the government planted in Madoff’s posh New York City home when they were building their case. Here is Bernie and a close business associate:

“Jeez, Bernie! You gonna keep clipping those nauseating twisty yellow toenails? You think I wanna walk on those clippings?”

“Shut your cakehole, Lamar, I’m trying to watch ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?‘ Besides, I’m dropping the clippings in these monogrammed slippers here, so who cares?”

“You’re still disgusting, Bernie. Don’t  you ever wash those feet? And another thing. You’ve worn that same pair of stinky undershorts this entire weekend. You’re a frickin’ billionaire! You can’t afford a clean pair?”

The Used Underwear of the Apocalypse?

Blog Guy, thank you so much for keeping us alert on signs of that Apocalypse which seems to be hurtling toward us. Last week you warned us about the proliferation of craters and sinkholes. Are there any new signs?

You bet. Tomorrow, keep your eyes on an auction of stuff that once belonged to Bernie Madoff, the mega-swindler who is serving 150 years in prison.

Among the items up for sale are a 10-carat diamond ring and a 1917 Steinway grand piano.

Ah, and that’s a sign of the Apocalypse, huh?

No. Be patient. Also among the items are Madoff’s boxer shorts and some black velveteen slippers.

I get it now. It’s a sign of the Apocalypse that somebody would want to own Madoff’s old slippers and underwear?

All you nutjobs, come up onstage now!

Blog Guy, if I’m not mistaken, the big annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was held last night. I come to your blog for all my shameless retail lingerie news, so what can you tell us about it?

You know, I got kind of bored with this one, but I can give you a few details.

I gather from seeing our photos that this year’s theme was “Great Acid Trips of the 1960s.”

That’s very interesting. Did they break any new ground?

Indeed. They experimented with letting guys get right up onstage. One model had to run a gauntlet of the criminally insane. It was the last we saw of that poor woman.

Then they released some lurching, frothing zombies on an unsuspecting singer, and in yet another bit a model had to carry a barbell while being heckled by some pasty dorks who were thrown out of Applebee’s for not wearing shirts.

Keeping tabs on the abs, Babs…

Boss, We got trouble. BIG trouble!

What is it THIS time, Lamar?

One of the male models got confused and wandered out on the runway almost naked. I think the women in the audience are gonna be pretty offended.

That’s awful, Lamar! They may get the vapors and faint. Is he wearing ANYTHING?

Sure, a tiny pair of underpants. Oh, and an itty-bitty bracelet. That’s it.

That’s enough, Lamar. Underpants and a bracelet together, we can call that a “creation.”

Brief query: what’s in a boxer’s drawers?

Blog Guy, help settle a bet with my boyfriend, please.

Here we go again with the settling of stuff. That’s all I do anymore. I should be a contender for that Supreme Court vacancy.

Enough about you, Blog Guy. This is a sports question about fighters and undershorts. Do professional boxers really WEAR boxers?

Good question. We took two professional boxers, tricked them into taking off their trousers, and checked.

And what did you find?

I can be brief, pardon the pun.