As you may have read, a woman is suing Victoria’s Secret because she says she was hurt by her thong panties when a metal clip holding a rhinestone flew off and hit her in the eye.

Personal injury is a very serious thing. Still, if this comes to trial she’s probably going to have to show how it happened in court. I can see lawyers, jurors and the judge all wearing industrial goggles to protect their eyes while the woman pulls on thongs every which way, trying to duplicate the sharp zing of flying rhinestones.

As a dedicated consumer advocate, I’ve tested odd claims before. You may recall Help me, I’m in a grape jam!  If something bad happens, please explain to my family why I was found in a room full of extra large thongs, the walls pock-marked with staples and shards of imitation gems. They’ll want to know what happened.

More news about Victoria’s Secret

Model presents winged angel lingerie by Victoria’s Secret in 2000 file photo. REUTER/Fred Prouser

Brazilian model Adriana Lima poses with lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret store in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Albert Ferreira

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Quick quiz: you can tell if a woman has class if you offer to buy her a glass of wine and she says…

a) Thank you, I’ll have a supple Margaux
b) Thank you, I’ll have an earthy Syrah
c) Thank you, I’ll have an overpriced Pinot Grigio
d) No thanks, hot-shot, I got me a brassiere full of cheap sweet red, right here!

Yes, female wine drinkers no longer have to bother with bottles and corks, they can just strap on this wine bra. And for guys, there is a wearable beer belly. It holds brew, and it also helps attract the kind of chicks that find a beer gut really attractive!

Of course, there may be that lingering notion that if you’re actually strapping alcohol onto your body maybe you have a little problem…

Belly/Bra Slideshow Other posts about drinks

A couple poses with the wearable beer belly (Bierbauch) for men and the wearable wine bra (Getraenke-BH) for women in Ismaning, Germany, June 19, 2008. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, recently I was in Montreal, Canada, and I saw women’s brassieres hanging all over the place. You’re a sophisticated guy, so what’s up with that?

I think that must be the new Montreal flag. They didn’t want to use some variation of the maple leaf, because that’s already been done, and they liked the shape and variety of bras that are available. Also, I’m pretty sure the local hockey team is the Montreal Maidenforms.

You’re a moron. I don’t think you know anything about this at all. Plus, I believe you only ran this item so you could use that “C to shining C” headline!

Just shut up and salute the flag!

Related: Up to his ears in brazen brassieres?

Thousands of bras hang in the Old Port of Montreal, May 29, 2008. A local radio station collected 67,000 bras to raise awareness and funds for the Quebec Breast Cancer Society. REUTERS/Christinne Muschi

Blog Guy, with food prices soaring all over the world, I’m curious about whether any country has been able to keep farming costs under control?

Yes, Switzerland has succeeded in keeping its young men and women very interested in staying on the farm, working long hours for low wages.

Their secret is a new concept called “lingerie farming,” in which farm chores are done in skimpy outfits. So far it’s been very popular, although skeptics do wonder how well it will work during high-altitude alpine winters.

Meanwhile, these attractive farmers and farmeresses have been chosen to pose for a risqué farm calendar called “Swiss Cheese!”

More news about underwear

Models pose during casting for the annual Swiss Farmers Calendar in the village of Seegraeben near Zurich, May, 2008. REUTERS photos by Arnd Wiegmann

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I’m as surprised as anybody, but not a single item about Victoria’s Secret made it into the top five postings for this blog in May!

Oh sure, everybody will have a theory on that, but personally I think it was because we didn’t have a single post that even mentioned Victoria’s Secret.

Apart from that, the most-visited items had absolutely nothing in common. A mango-eating contest, a dead writer’s skull, a bra with a difference, and so on. See for yourselves:

5. The whole mango fandango!

4. Stupid story gets much stupider

3. Take off your blouse, babe, I need to charge my laptop!

2. Sir, that carry-on bag is too large! Sir!

1. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you…Oh, it is?

Models from Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, 2007. REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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This company keeps trying to design bras that do something extra. You may remember their chopstick bra or their shopping bag bra or their get-out-the-vote bra. The new designs never generate anything other than free publicity, which duh, I guess is the point.

So this time it’s a solar panel bra which can recharge your cell phone or iPod. Of course, the bra needs to be exposed to light in order to work, and a chick walking around outdoors in an exposed brassière may have more serious problems than a dead phone battery.

And that’s not even to mention what happens when GUYS start walking around in giant man-bras to charge THEIR phones!

Video report…

Related post: Doc Jocks: what’s wrong with YOU?

A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International Japan’s “Photovoltaic-Powered Bra” during an unveiling in Tokyo May 14, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, Where can I buy used underpants belonging to a major drug trafficker?

Boy, I wish you had asked me that yesterday! Down in Brazil they had a huge sale of stuff confiscated from the mansions of a Colombian guy named Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia.

You mean Lollipop?

Yes. I can see you really know your drug traffickers. Anyway, thousands of people clamored to buy his stuff. I’m not sure how smart that was, though. Sure, Lollipop is spending 30 years in prison, but what do you think he’ll do if he breaks out, which can happen in Brazil?

Uh, track down his underwear and the filthy pond scum who bought it?

Bingo. That’s what I’d do.

More underwear postings and Lollipop sale slideshow

(U.S. State Department handout)

Underwear that belonged to Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia, alias Lollipop, for sale among  confiscated  items. April 8, 2008.  REUTERS/Rickey Rogers

Ladies, you’ve all been there. An evening out, and you want something to defend yourself, but tasers and mace just don’t seem, you know, festive enough.

So, for times when you need to combine protection and fashion, what’s better than a six-foot snake? Nothing says, “Get lost!” like a big set of fangs dangling over your hand.

“Hey honey, you come here often?”

“No, me and my snake usually crush the life out of losers at the bar next door.”

Best of all, when some guy, as so often happens, holds up a rodent cage and says, “Wanna hold my pet rat?” Well, you’ve got yourself the best darned set-up in the history of Friday night comedy!

Related post: Fangs for the memories…

A model holds a snake on the runway as she displays a creation during Viva La Eve by Triumph at the Singapore Fashion Festival April 3, 2008. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Blog Guy, I’m very interested in how news is covered. Let’s say you hear about something new. How do you cover it?

Well, let’s take news from Victoria’s Secret. It turns out they’re going to be selling their swimsuits in stores, instead of just online and in catalogs. This is big news, because with summer coming, women are facing a shortage of places to buy beach wear. Some cities are down to their last four or five thousand shops!

I hear you. That IS a big story, especially with online and catalog shopping being so tough. So then, you would send a reporter to learn more about this and write a story, huh?

Are you stupid? No! We’d send a photographer to shoot the swimsuit models! Heck, another major news organization sent TWO photographers on this story!

Other posts about Victoria’s Secret

Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller (2nd R) poses with models during a store appearance at the Victoria’s Secret store in New York April 2, 2008. Victoria’s Secret announced they will be selling their swimwear collection in stores nationwide. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

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I know it seems like we just put away our decorations, but down in Brazil it’s National Underwear Day again. I know, it really came around fast this year!

And where do you go to find folks wearing almost nothing when it’s not carnival time? It’s just a wild guess, but I’d try the downtown bus station. Some things are the same everyplace you go.

I honestly worry that amid all the commercial aspects of this holiday, the true meaning is getting lost. Like, is the basic point of the day to buy new underwear, change our underwear, wash our underwear or what? I suppose until I find out for sure, I should generally avoid other people.

Related posts: Doc jocks, Oktoberfest flashing and Underwear art

Models pose at the main bus station in downtown Brasilia to celebrate National Underwear Day February 27, 2008. REUTERS/Jamil Bittar

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