Blog Guy, Where can I buy used underpants belonging to a major drug trafficker?

Boy, I wish you had asked me that yesterday! Down in Brazil they had a huge sale of stuff confiscated from the mansions of a Colombian guy named Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia.

You mean Lollipop?

Yes. I can see you really know your drug traffickers. Anyway, thousands of people clamored to buy his stuff. I’m not sure how smart that was, though. Sure, Lollipop is spending 30 years in prison, but what do you think he’ll do if he breaks out, which can happen in Brazil?

Uh, track down his underwear and the filthy pond scum who bought it?

Bingo. That’s what I’d do.

More underwear postings and Lollipop sale slideshow

(U.S. State Department handout)

Underwear that belonged to Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia, alias Lollipop, for sale among  confiscated  items. April 8, 2008.  REUTERS/Rickey Rogers

Ladies, you’ve all been there. An evening out, and you want something to defend yourself, but tasers and mace just don’t seem, you know, festive enough.

So, for times when you need to combine protection and fashion, what’s better than a six-foot snake? Nothing says, “Get lost!” like a big set of fangs dangling over your hand.

“Hey honey, you come here often?”

“No, me and my snake usually crush the life out of losers at the bar next door.”

Best of all, when some guy, as so often happens, holds up a rodent cage and says, “Wanna hold my pet rat?” Well, you’ve got yourself the best darned set-up in the history of Friday night comedy!

Related post: Fangs for the memories…

A model holds a snake on the runway as she displays a creation during Viva La Eve by Triumph at the Singapore Fashion Festival April 3, 2008. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Blog Guy, I’m very interested in how news is covered. Let’s say you hear about something new. How do you cover it?

Well, let’s take news from Victoria’s Secret. It turns out they’re going to be selling their swimsuits in stores, instead of just online and in catalogs. This is big news, because with summer coming, women are facing a shortage of places to buy beach wear. Some cities are down to their last four or five thousand shops!

I hear you. That IS a big story, especially with online and catalog shopping being so tough. So then, you would send a reporter to learn more about this and write a story, huh?

Are you stupid? No! We’d send a photographer to shoot the swimsuit models! Heck, another major news organization sent TWO photographers on this story!

Other posts about Victoria’s Secret

Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller (2nd R) poses with models during a store appearance at the Victoria’s Secret store in New York April 2, 2008. Victoria’s Secret announced they will be selling their swimwear collection in stores nationwide. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

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I know it seems like we just put away our decorations, but down in Brazil it’s National Underwear Day again. I know, it really came around fast this year!

And where do you go to find folks wearing almost nothing when it’s not carnival time? It’s just a wild guess, but I’d try the downtown bus station. Some things are the same everyplace you go.

I honestly worry that amid all the commercial aspects of this holiday, the true meaning is getting lost. Like, is the basic point of the day to buy new underwear, change our underwear, wash our underwear or what? I suppose until I find out for sure, I should generally avoid other people.

Related posts: Doc jocks, Oktoberfest flashing and Underwear art

Models pose at the main bus station in downtown Brasilia to celebrate National Underwear Day February 27, 2008. REUTERS/Jamil Bittar

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Okay fashion staff, we have a disaster! Some of our models took a shortcut to the dressing room across the runway, after the show began! There are shots of them striding abreast like the Cartwright boys in Bonanza, wearing just their underpants. 

What should we do? Huh? Just go ahead and say those things are OUTFITS? Who on Earth would believe that? 

You have to love the fashion industry. When I was a kid, there was this strange  dude who would walk up and down our street dressed exactly like this, but we didn’t call it a ”fashion creation.” We had another name for it, but what did we know?

Related underwear fashion post, and another one.

Models display outfits created by designer Antonio Alvarado at  Pasarela Cibeles Autumn/ Winter 08-09 fashion week in Madrid February 14, 2008. REUTERS/Andrea Comas

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Hey, Blog Guy, I liked your item about that Naked Cowboy, and I was wondering. Do you think that could be one of those signs of the coming Apocalypse you keep writing about?

Hmmmm. A very good question, and something I should have noticed myself! One sec, let me consult my Nostradamus. Let’s see. Underpants… Times Square… Yokels. Blue candy…$6 million… Yep, it’s all in there, so I think you’re right.

Indeed, with a long weekend ahead of us, maybe it would be good for readers to study some of my other postings about the Apocalypse, so we’ll all know it when we see it. Here you go:

The photo they didn’t want us to see…
Wow, radical new hair style, Tiffany!
Tight security for fancy potato heads…  
Let’s celebrate Father’s Day! Not so fast, Emma!

Actress Milla Jovovich poses for photographers at a news conference to promote her film “Resident Evil: The Apocalypse” in Tokyo in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao 

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This is complicated, so pay attention. The Naked Cowboy, a New York street performer who is not naked or a cowboy, is suing a candy maker for showing a scantily-clad blue M&M that resembles the cowboy, on a Times Square billboard. The Cowboy wants $6 million. 

I am not taking sides here, but if skimpy attire in Times Square is worth a trademark, then a lot of people did it long before the Cowboy. The place was  kind of famous for it. On the other hand, if you’re going to imitate someone  that hick tourists have their photos taken with, you shouldn’t do it in the very spot that is synonymous with huge crowds. 

“Mr. Cowboy, did a lot of people see that billboard?”

“Yes, your honor, it was like Times Square there…”

The Naked Cowboy in Times Square, in 2003 file photo.  REUTERS/Teddy Blackburn

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“Connie, we have a huge problem. Some of the models are complaining that our outfits are too stupid-looking to wear in the fashion show. One of them said you want her to go out in a bikini, patterned stockings, boots, gloves, a jewelled purse and necklace. That does sound kind of lame to me…

“Well Connie, if they won’t show up, that’s it. I mean, you can’t drag them out there locked in cages, can you? Can you imagine what the blog headlines would say? Connie? Connie!”

A model displays a creation from Koyo William Cheung’s Fall/Winter 2008 collection during Hong Kong Fashion Week January 16, 2008. REUTERS/Victor Fraile

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There’s an odd new trend, naming airplanes after women. I don’t mean aviation pioneers like Amelia Earhart. I mean like the Victoria’s Secret models. The latest example is this Spice Girls thing, where they paint up the fuselage, invite cameramen, and the next thing you know we’re issuing 17 still photos, a slideshow and a video clip. I guess that sounds fair.

The thing is, nobody seems to have time to be clever anymore. Spice One isn’t a very imaginative name. If this trend had begun back when sex goddess Jayne Mansfield was alive, hers could have been called Plane Jayne. And if Mother Teresa had her own airliner, it could have been Nun One. Now that’s fun!

Oh well, a few more years and a few more wrinkles, and they’ll be able to call this one “Old Spice.”

Spice Girls unveil a Boeing 747 plane named “Spice One” at Los Angeles international airport on December 12, 2007. REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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“Cripes, Lonnie, you plannin’ on eating supper in your skivvies again, like some kind of a male model or whatever? Makes me so darn mad!

“Well as long as you’re living under my roof, if you want to show up for meals looking like that guy on the Roman Meal bread package, then you can at least have the courtesy to wear your good helmet! And I want to see your disco medallion, and your festive bracelet! And that gold ring you got for almost graduating from high school!

“And Lonnie, don’t forget your shield, there’s been Visigoths seen in the neighborhood!”
                                                                                        

A model presents underwear by Romanian designer Catalin Botezatu during Bucharest Fashion Week in Bucharest November 23, 2007.  REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel

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