Oddly Enough Blog

Drive slower, Ma, you can’t see over the mushrooms!

Blog Guy, I’ve signed up for one of your tours to Krasnoyarsk, that Siberian city you call Wackytown. I’m very excited!

Cool! Which tour will you be joining?

It’s your “Sunny Siberia Beach Holiday,” in December. You’re positive we’ll have lots of warm beach weather in December?

Sure. When it’s winter here, it’s summer in Siberia. At least I think that’s how it works. Plus, they’re in a different time zone.

Ah, you’re the expert. Will we get a chance to shop for some local produce?

Yes, there’s a side trip to buy mushrooms.

Stake Night on the Vampire Cruise?

Blog Guy, I know you’re a travel expert, and I need some advice. I am a vampire. I would like to go someplace where I don’t feel, you know, different.

Maybe I can help. I just saw a story saying hundreds of vampire enthusiasts are planning a vacation cruise on the the Zuiderdam, tailored to their interests. It’s called “Vamps at Sea.” Maybe you should try it.

Where are they going?

Just where you’d expect for vampires. Great Neck, Little Neck, Throg’s Neck, Turtleneck…

Perhaps you’re still not clear, Blog Guy. Those are “vampire enthusiasts.” I am an actual vampire.

I do understand. If you’ve ever seen an episode of “CSI” or “Murder, She Wrote,” then you know there’s always one REAL murderer at these organized theme vacations. That could be you, blending right in!

Look, Honey, a free vacation cruise!

We may have hit the acme of absurdity. We should plant our flag and turn back.

Let me explain. I work at home, and I am interrupted daily by automated calls trying  to fool me in some way. I don’t believe it should be legal to intrude on privacy like this, but I don’t make the laws.

Last week, I answered a robotic call and heard, “Congratulations! This household has been selected to receive an absolutely free vacation cruise! Press one for more information, or two to be taken off the list.”

Huh? See what I mean about the off-the-charts absurdity factor here? There is no reason a company would offer a total stranger an absolutely free, no strings attached vacation cruise. Conversely, there is no reason a normal, sane person would decline such a generous offer.

So, we had reached an impasse of logical absurdity, a game played at a whole new farcical level.

What the recording might as well have said is, “Look, we all know we’re low-life brain-eating zombies out to get all your private information and leave you undead in some gutter. If that sounds good, press one.

Jump now, avoid the crowds!

Blog Guy, I keep reading in your blog about that place in Siberia that you call Wackytown, and I really want to visit there.

You mean Krasnoyarsk. Go there! You probably won’t be sorry. In fact, that’s their exact tourism slogan.

But after learning about their air travel facilities I’m thinking flying there isn’t the best idea. Is there another way to get to Krasnoyarsk?

Sure, by train, but I’m warning you it can be kind of slow and passengers may have to pitch in.

That’s fine with me. Sounds like Amtrak. So what’s there to do when I arrive?

You’re kidding me, right? Right?

Blog Guy, everybody knows you give the best travel advice. I’m out of my mind, like totally nuts, and I’m looking for a good vacation spot.

Have you been to that viewing platform I wrote about in the Bavarian Alps?

Of course. Opening day.

How about The Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago?

Been there.

That walkway over the Grand Canyon?

Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?

Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.

This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.

I mean, consider that among the first bits of advice is, “Don’t use or borrow without permission…and don’t snoop.”

Really? Good to know.

Look Honey, the Petersons are on heavy-duty Prozac! Think they’ll notice I replaced ‘em with aspirin?

No Dear, but judging from Judy’s diary, try not to mention herpes or the Dutch…

Giant black cloud? How bad could it be?

Blog Guy, I wanted to follow up on an item you had a few days ago, about that gigantic 300-acre “marijuana plantation” that was found by soldiers in Mexico.

What about it?

I was just wondering if it’s possible to rent the plantation for nature study trips. Or fraternity parties.

Nice try. It’s already gone. We have subsequent pictures of troops burning all those crops.

Nooooooo!!!! I mean, gosh, that seems like a waste. All 300 acres of weed, up in smoke…

If it’s any consolation, it produced a monumental smoke cloud, hundreds of miles big, drifting out over the Pacific Ocean.

Just another blood-sucking ski resort?

Blog Guy, you know that city in Siberia that you like to call Wackytown? Didn’t you say you organize tours there, so your readers can see for themselves?

Yes, Krasnoyarsk is the goofiest spot on earth. Maybe you’d like to sign up for my upcoming ski resort holiday there.

Would we have our own ski lift? I hate to wait in long lines for those.

I’ll be honest, you might have to share ski lift space with some sanitary workers.

Do they go there to ski?

Nah, they go to spray pesticide.

A rouble for your trouble, my good man…

Blog Guy, how much does Vladimir Putin earn?

You mean as Russia’s prime minister? Not very much, I’m afraid. Why do you ask?

Well, my wife and I were on a trip recently and I’m pretty sure Putin drove our taxi in from the airport. I was just a little surprised, is all.

Yes, Putin does odd taxi shifts when things are quiet. Were you satisfied?

Oh, for sure. He drove us straight to the hotel and got our bags out of the trunk and smiled a lot. I gave him a few extra roubles.

So you would recommend his taxi to other tourists?

Beach Blanket? Bingo!

Blog Guy, summer is almost here, and once again we’re faced with that annual problem. You know the one.  

You put on an unsightly 200 pounds over the winter and you’re embarrassed to be seen in a swimsuit?

No! The problem is, when I go to the beach I have to take a blanket and keep track of it and everything, and it’s such a hassle I just stay home and feel sorry for myself.

Ah. Then help is on the way, with this new combo swimsuit and beach blanket. The space-age design Lets you lounge on the beach and soak up the sun, and then take it with you when you run into the water.

That would totally solve my problem! But how do I get to the beach with this thing?

Easy. You sit on your sunroof and steer with your feet.