Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Stake Night on the Vampire Cruise?

Photo
-

Blog Guy, I know you’re a travel expert, and I need some advice. I am a vampire. I would like to go someplace where I don’t feel, you know, different.

Maybe I can help. I just saw a story saying hundreds of vampire enthusiasts are planning a vacation cruise on the the Zuiderdam, tailored to their interests. It’s called “Vamps at Sea.” Maybe you should try it.

Where are they going?

Just where you’d expect for vampires. Great Neck, Little Neck, Throg’s Neck, Turtleneck…

Perhaps you’re still not clear, Blog Guy. Those are “vampire enthusiasts.” I am an actual vampire.

Duchess, the sun never sets on the British vampire…

Photo
-

I’ll admit I was skeptical when I saw photos of the cast of yet another TV movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Did we really need this? I mean, I guess maybe if they found a dead ringer to play Kate… Nope, that’s not it…

Let’s see, according to IMDB, the movie was shot in ROMANIA? Huh? Well, that’s different. Now I get it! These clever folks have added an element of horror to the story:

Let the nightmares begin…

Photo
-

MEXICO/

Blog Guy, we need some of your parenting advice. We’re having problems with our small daughter.

MEXICO/I’m sorry to hear that. What’s the trouble?

She’s way too normal. Totally well-adjusted, happy, never cries or has nightmares. What can we do?

Dracula down for the Count?

Photo
-

 

dracula 490

Blog Guy, please help settle a bet with my step-mother’s tattooist.

dracula poster 220Your step-mother has her own… oh, never mind, go ahead.

Could Count Dracula still be alive today?

No. These days, when there are countless cameras everywhere, somebody would have spottedĀ  him.

You can’t hide that slick, sculpted black hair, that widow’s peak and swarthy visage. Trust me, we’d know about him.

Another president taken down by vampires?

Photo
-

FRANCE/

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending the Insurance Salesman of the Year Dinner.

Tonight we honor one of our own – you know him as Lamar – who has set new standards forĀ  insurance salesmanship this year.

You here for business or pleasure, Mr. Stinky?

Photo
-

CHINA/

Man, the actual news is so goofy this week, I don’t even have to invent my own.

You take for instance this true story about a truck driver I like to call Mr. Stinky, who got caught trying to smuggle 28 TONS of garlic from Norway into Sweden. Jeez, what do you suppose tipped them off?

A dab of Kiwi wax on those Florsheims, Mr. Dracula?

Photo
-

vampire kit 490

Blog Guy, I need help. I have an overwhelming fear of being bitten by a vampire. What can I do to protect myself?

You could buy this handy 19th century Vampire Killing Kit that went up for auction in London today.

Stay out, hon, I’m eatin’ scampi!

Photo
-

Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

Vampire chicks feast on yummy plague flesh!

Photo
-

Over in Italy, they found the remains of a female “vampire,” buried with a brick jammed between her jaws to prevent her from feeding on plague victims.

Right. Apparently scientists have discounted the more obvious explanation, that maybe she just had one of those high shrill voices that really irritated people.

My blind date with Lady Death…

Photo
-

So, Patti, we finally meet! I must say you look different from your Internet photo, but I guess everybody touches up their picture a little, don’t they?

We could have gotten together sooner, but since you have this thing about only going out at night… Amazing that you work all day long, seven days a week. Bummer!