Oddly Enough Blog

Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!

Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?

That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.

Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?

I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.

Very interesting. And then?

Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.

When pensive gets expensive…

Okay Lamar, the big day has arrived! For once, we’re spending some real money on supermodels for our fashion show, and you’ll see what a difference quality can make.

Now, did you teach them the subtle moves I asked for?

You bet, Boss. Two of them have mastered the intricate “Stand on one stiletto, lift the other foot and smile” maneuver.

Bravo, Lamar! That may be the most complex move in the business! Perfecto!

Now, how about the next one, blowing endless air kisses while making each one look fresh, sincere and spontaneous?

Got it, boss. Look at her! The great ones make it seem so effortless.

Welcome to Brassieres 101, ladies…

Okay ladies, thank you for coming to the Victoria’s Secret “bra launch” today. We’re sure you will enjoy your new purchases.

You were wise to sign up for this class on how to wear a brassiere, a must for any young woman going out into the world.

OUCH! Who did that? Who flung this bra at me with the elastic? See, that’s not what “bra launch” means, ladies!

Let’s start by taking them out of the package, and… Miss, you in the blue dress? It’s going to go in the front, not the back…

I’m sorry, Ma’am, these are NOT earmuffs. No, they’re not surgical masks, either…

Dream a little dream of me?

Blog Guy, I see they just showed the big annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on television.

I know you had a few shots from it a couple of weeks ago, but it seems like you used to devote a lot more space to events like this. What’s up?

That was before I started being scared of models.

Excuse me? Scared?

Yeah, haven’t you noticed it? Models aren’t just the vacuous vixen-next-door any longer.

Look at this top photo, from the Victoria’s Secret show. I’ll see that face in my nightmares.

The very best of a goofy month…

Goofy was the operative theme for November.

Statistics for this blog show that readers flocked to items on a goofy breast examination scam, the first goofy look at a future queen and a strange choice for a new piece of art for the Louvre.

The top three items for the month?

A hard-hitting theory about who may be plotting against our supermarket tabloids, a look at a Victoria’s Secret audience participation gimmick that went horribly wrong, and a self-help test to determine who is smarter, you or your Thanksgiving turkey.

Here’s a hint: It probably isn’t you.

So here they are, my 10 most popular blog posts for November:

All you nutjobs, come up onstage now!

Blog Guy, if I’m not mistaken, the big annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was held last night. I come to your blog for all my shameless retail lingerie news, so what can you tell us about it?

You know, I got kind of bored with this one, but I can give you a few details.

I gather from seeing our photos that this year’s theme was “Great Acid Trips of the 1960s.”

That’s very interesting. Did they break any new ground?

Indeed. They experimented with letting guys get right up onstage. One model had to run a gauntlet of the criminally insane. It was the last we saw of that poor woman.

Then they released some lurching, frothing zombies on an unsuspecting singer, and in yet another bit a model had to carry a barbell while being heckled by some pasty dorks who were thrown out of Applebee’s for not wearing shirts.

Why are these bikini models romping?

Quick quiz: These three perky Victoria’s Secret models are celebrating because…

a) It’s the 15th anniversary of the Victoria’s Secret swim catalog.

b) It’s the 50th anniversary of blowing air kisses for no apparent reason whatsoever.

c) It’s official! Romping is going to be a Summer Olympics sport!

d) Allessandra has reached a weight of 60 pounds, and is only two sizes below being a Size Zero.

e) They found out their hotel has ice machines on EVERY floor.

Lingerie models, coy and decoy…

Blog Guy, I know you’ve done security consulting for some major companies. Are you working with anybody now, or is that confidential?

I’ve recently been working with the Victoria’s Secret folks. Their supermodels are often the targets of stalkers, creeps and pervs. You know, basically the guys I call my readers.

I’ll bet that is a big problem. So how are you protecting the models?

I probably shouldn’t say, but what the heck. Each of their supermodels now carries a cardboard photo of herself everywhere she goes, as a decoy.

See, check it out. Think fast! Which are the models, which are the cutouts! Confusing, huh?

Blog Guy, that’s just moronic. I’m gonna go ahead and guess the ones that are moving, and three-dimensional, and wearing something more than their underwear are the actual live models.

How much do you tip a lingerie model?

Blog Guy, am I missing something? It’s the middle of February, and you haven’t posted any new Victoria’s Secret photos. Just warmed-over stuff from 2009. What’s up?

That’s what I’m trying to find out, stranger. I have some shots from a recent New York City event, but they are confusing and vaguely disturbing.

Really? In what way?

Well, you can see a couple of their models holding signs saying “CALLING ALL BOMBSHELLS,” and there seems to be some kind of Victoria’s Secret vehicle there, but I don’t see any windows. Are they enticing gorgeous women into the vehicle and taking them away somewhere, like a Pied Piper sort of deal?

I mean, if I drove around New York City with a sinister vehicle full of captive supermodels, I’d be arrested in two or three days. A week, tops! I know guys who have tried it.

Stop him! He’s costing me a fortune!

Blog Guy, I need your opinion on a pop culture phenomenon.

Have you seen this video on YouTube showing a guy in a financial office looking at racy photos on his computer, not knowing he’s  live on television? It’s been seen by thousands of people now, and has a five-star rating…

Yeah, big deal. You can barely see that poor itty-bitty dude back there behind this talking head.

If you really squint it does look like he may be checking out a Victoria’s Secret model who might be nude, but I mean, who hasn’t been there?

And yeah, he does turn around briefly at the end and sees that he’s on TV, and that’s kind of funny, but …. OH MY GOD!

What is it, Blog Guy?

That’s my PERSONAL BROKER! LAMAR, what are you doing? You weren’t supposed to take your eyes off my retirement account yesterday!