Fashion staff, this new push-up product of ours is going to turn the beauty business upside down!

Look at this pathetic Victoria’s Secret model showing off their push-up bra. Who needs that? Bosoms are SO last year. Just ask any guy.

Which is where our product comes in. Get ready for the age of the CLAVICLE! That’s right, collar bones ARE the new breasts!

See the hot model in the photo below? See how sensuous her clavicles look when they’re pushed up by our new miracle garment?

Now, for under $30, every woman in America can look like she’s had expensive Clavicle Enhancement Surgery, just like the movie stars have.

It’s a new ballgame, guys. Second base now starts at the neck!

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Above: Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr introduces their new line of Dream Angel push up bras in New York April 7, 2009. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Left: A model presents a creation from Teca’s 2010 spring/summer collection during Fashion Rio Show in Rio de Janeiro June 7, 2009. REUTERS/Alex Carvalho

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You may have seen that story about a Detroit woman whose bra  deflected a bullet shot at her as she witnessed a burglary, saving her from more serious injury.

Every guy of a certain age will immediately think of Wonder Woman. I know, it was really BRACELETS that protected Wonder Woman from bullets, but guys looked at that red and gold bra on Lynda Carter and KNEW it did something miraculous.

But here’s the thing. I did some research, which isn’t like me. It turns out that as life-saving miracle devices go, the brassiere is right up there with penicillin and the colonoscopy.

Just a few days ago, gunmen attacked a bus in Brazil and fired at a woman, who survived because she was carrying wads of cash, you guessed it, in her bra. Clever headline writers wrote about her “treasure chest.”

Then there was the hiker in the Alps last year who, given up for dead, threw her brightly colored bra onto a cable car. Clever headline writers said she was saved from “twin peaks.”

It turns out, bras have saved enough women to make me suspicious of a propaganda plot involving the undergarment industry and headline writers. Is this how urban legends get started?

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Above: Lynda Carter, who played TV’s Wonder Woman, arrives at Kennedy Center in Washington DC, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Theiler

Below: Victoria’s Secret models pose at the launch of the Biofit Uplift Bra in Los Angeles in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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It’s March already, so it’s time to head over to the OBB (Off-Blog Betting) parlor and collect your winnings if you correctly guessed my blog’s five most popular posts for February.

Two of them were about Barack Obama and the others were about stupid stuff, so I’m illustrating it with a Victoria’s Secret shot for no apparent reason. You’ll thank me later.

Here they are, starting with number five:

5. What’s wrong with this picture?

4. You left the football in the restaurant Michelle?

3. Does Ma know you’re doin’ this?

2. Do you want to purchase a meal Mr. President?

1. You like my pasty white legs?

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Model Doutzen Kroes unveils the new Vintage Victoria Collection at Victoria’s Secret Lexington Avenue Store in New York February 11, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

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Blog Guy, I don’t know what to get my girlfriend for Christmas. Any suggestions?

Sure. How about buying her a Flagship?

A what?

Well, I just saw some photos that said Victoria’s Secret opened a new “Flagship store.” Judging from this picture, I gather a Flagship is a large pair of scissors.

You’re an idiot! Why would my girlfriend want scissors big enough to cut through solid steel?

Just for the shear enjoyment? Hang on, I did some more research and it turns out a Flagship is a red dress…

You researched nothing! How do  you know Flagships aren’t a brand of shoes with stiletto heels?

I think you’re right! I hope your girlfriend enjoys her shoes. I’m going to write a Flagship article for Wikipedia now.

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Victoria’s Secret models pose for photographers at the opening of the new Victoria’s Secret flagship store in New York City, December 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Mike Segar

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Blog Guy, give us the list of the most popular items in your blog for November. A lot of us continue to wager on this stuff, and all my Christmas money is riding on this!

Okay, if  you were smart enough to figure out that Barack Obama was a pretty big story in November, you’re halfway there.

Here’s the top five list, and three of them - including number one and two - were Obama-related.

Yippee! I win! Little Timmy and what’s-her-name can have a Christmas! But why are you illustrating this item with Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show photos?

I’ve got thousands of these things. What else am I gonna do with them?

5. Sir, your glasses will be ready in 1162

4. You see this doorknob, Barack?

3. The hassle of sex? Not again!

2, Is that Obama in a mullet haircut?

1. We’re worried about your daughter!

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Victoria’s Secret models at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2008 in Miami Beach, Florida, November 15, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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Blog Guy, I heard there was a Victoria’s Secret fashion show on Saturday. Do you have a lot of pictures from it? Please, Please?

Not a lot, just 80 or so… Here are some of them. Just click on the little ones to make them bigger.

Wait! That doesn’t do anything!

But it kept you busy for a few minutes, didn’t it?

So what am I supposed to do with these itty-bitty photos?

You could cut ‘em up and try using them as postage stamps. Or you could squint, look at them really fast, and pretend you’re watching TV.

You must think I’m pretty pathetic.

Hey, you’re the guy who’s still wearing out your mouse on teeny pictures that don’t do anything!

Victoria’s Secret slideshow

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Victoria’s Secret models present creations during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2008, in Miami Beach, Florida  November 15, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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Congratulate me, Blog Guy!

Why?

I enlisted in the Navy!

Awesome. Which one?

There’s more than one?

Sure. There’s the regular U.S. Navy, and then there’s the Victoria’s Secret Navy.They’re both recruiting now.

And the difference? I’m afraid to ask.

Well, you know about the regular navy. Ships, planes, attacks, torpedoes, surface-to-air missiles…  But in the OTHER navy, you mostly ride around on yachts filled with Victoria’s Secret lingerie supermodels, taking them to different places in the Caribbean, opening champagne, slathering tanning oil on them, stuff like that.

Jeez Louise! Is it too late for me to…

Yep.

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Victoria’s Secret models arrive on a yacht to the Fontainebleau resort in Miami Beach November 14, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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“Honey, should I wear my red dress tonight, or my…”

“Yes…”

There you have it. An actual conversation that proves men like red stuff on women. And yet, Reuters reports on a new study that spent $40 million to see if red was more of a turn-on for men than, say, dark brown.

That figure is just a rough guess, you understand, since I have no idea what it really cost.

But if somebody IS still funding studies to prove the bleeding obvious, I want a piece of that.

I’d like to find out if guys prefer…

• stiletto heels and ankle straps, or rubber flip-flops
• blondes, or chicks with brown hair and flecks of dandruff falling out
• creamy smooth skin, or a lot of big ripe zits
• women who want expensive jewelry, or women who think gems are “icky”

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Top: REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Below left: REUTERS/Eirc Gaillard

Below right: REUTERS/Alexander Natruski

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This is National Underwear Day. I know what you’re saying, “But Bob, I thought that was back in February!”

No, that event, which we covered, was Brazilian National Underwear Day, which is on a different day because they’re in the Southern Hemisphere or something, and also because they have a different word for underwear.

I still don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do to celebrate, but if you haven’t changed your underwear yet in 2008, that would be a real good start. And don’t forget to take some underwear to the office today, for the traditional Undie Exchange.

Meanwhile, this blog has a lot of items with the underwear tag, and you will probably want to read them aloud during the festivities at your office. Here are my favorites:

What, you’ve never seen underwear?

Bra flag: from C to shining C…

Hey! Are you wearing Lollipop’s underpants?

Grab your undies, Little Joe! They got Pa!

No wonder the bride is blushing…

Above: Models pose at the main bus station in downtown Brasilia to celebrate Brazil’s National Underwear Day February 27, 2008. REUTERS/Jamil Bitta

Below: Models lift their traditional Bavarian clothes to show the ‘Oktoberfest’ underwear in Munich in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, I enjoy your strange blog very much. Is there any way I can find others who like it as well?

You mean so you can become friends with them?

Well, no, I was more thinking so I can avoid them if I see them on the street. Maybe get some temporary restraining orders.

Ah. That makes sense. If  you have a Facebook profile, you can join my Oddly Enough Blog network there. Believe it or not, it’s the number one blog under the humor tag, and you’ll find a lot of other readers.

Can I do anything else there?

Yes. You may post comments about the blog, and also rate it. And, it’s a convenient way to invite your own Facebook friends to read the Oddly Enough blog.

That’s great, but this whole exchange seems to be nothing more than a promotion for your blog.

Not true. There’s also this Victoria’s Secret photo.

Victoria’s Secret Angels pose together during a store appearance in New York February 7, 2008. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

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