Well Mom, at long last, meet Patty - my sweet bride! Oh, I think Patty likes you, Mom! She doesn’t usually smile that much. Patty is too shy to tell you herself, but see those white doves in her hair? She shot them herself!

The flour make-up was her idea. She says it will cut the chances anybody will recognize her from our wedding photos.

I mean, sure, Patty has paid her debt to society. But you know Mom, it’s just like she always says, “If they want to find a body in your backyard bad enough, they’ll find it!”

Just think, Mom, in an hour, she’ll be family!

Bridal fashion slideshow:

A model presents a creation from Victorio & Lucchino collection at Barcelona Bridal Week fashion show May 28, 2008. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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The tills are alive, with the sound of money,
The tourists will pay, for our souvenirs,
Their cash fills our tills, with the sound of mon-ney
Room service, bring us a doz-zen beers!

It turns out the original Sound of Music family home is being turned into a hotel, or you might say a von tourist von Trapp… You can sleep there, you can get married in the family chapel, or eat a few of your favorite things in the dining room.

This could be the start of a movie hotel theme trend. We could see the No Country for Old Men Hotel.  Dine in our Friendo Cafe. Locked out of your guest room? No problem! Bellhop Anton will be up to pop the lock for you!

Or maybe you prefer the There Will be Blood Bed and Breakfast? Enjoy dinner in the Plainview Restaurant. Drink your milkshake before Daniel does! Nah, maybe not.

Related post: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

Hotel director Marianne Dorfer stands in front of Villa Trapp, the original Sound of Music family home, in Salzburg May 13, 2008. REUTERS/photo Leonhard Foeger

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Blog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

Related post: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

A model presents a creation from the wedding gown fashion line of JL Couture by designer Jenny Lee in New York April 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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Blog Guy, I have a delicate problem. Our daughter is getting married next week and it’s a shotgun wedding. I’m choosing my dress, and I don’t know where I should carry my ammo for the event. 

Um, you may be taking that term a tad too literally. Modern parents don’t often tote a real shotgun to the nuptials. 

There are trendy tasers and other items to make sure the groom ”does the right thing.” And check out this number, which incorporates your firepower right into the dress!

But, if your heart is set on a traditional, old-fashioned shotgun marriage, complete with showing your gauge to the engaged, I’d recommend this creation. It turns your extra shotgun shells into festive accessories in a truly glamorous outfit. Bridesmaids, lock and load!

A model displays a creation by Fashion East during their Autumn/Winter 2008 show at London Fashion Week February 13, 2008. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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Well, here’s one of my recurring nightmares. Not getting married - that was great - but standing out on the ledge of a tall building. I’d rather ride in a gyrocopter, or visit that new Grand Canyon skywalk.

Anyway, these two people both work as exterior cleaners of tall buildings, so they decided to incorporate rappelling into their ceremony, because like they don’t get enough of that on regular days. You’ll note in the caption below we’re careful to mention that the groom is the one on the right, just in case you’re confused about which is which.

Anyway, I’ve avoided using most of the tempting references - marriage is a big step, they don’t rappel each other, and so on, so feel free to use those in your comments.

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Jiang Dezhang (R), 27, kisses his bride Tie Guangju, 26, while rappelling from a building during their wedding ceremony in Kunming, China, August 28, 2007. REUTERS

Dear Blog Guy,
I need some advice on planning my wedding, and naturally you’re the first person I thought of. Everything is so expensive! Can you give some tips on ways to cut costs without seeming to be cheap?
Happy Bride

Sure, and congratulations. Many couples these days are offering speed-receptions - that is, wedding receptions that last only six minutes. As you can see in these photos, guests are stuffing their cake-holes as fast as they can, up against the deadline.

You can save a fortune this way, but just make sure somebody knows the Heimlich Maneuver. Another tip: forego napkins at the reception. Who needs ‘em? A little sticky icing never hurt anybody, and that’s what dry cleaners are for. Have a great time!

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Contestants compete in a ‘Bridezilla-Ultimate Cake Eating Contest’ in New York’s Times Square June 12, 2007. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

It was one of those challenges that modern women with full lives sometimes have to face, and Pam did it beautifully.

Her to-do list told her that on Saturday she had to get married, then rush immediately to play in a pro football game, and then cover her evening shift as a street mime. A born problem solver, Pam had the brilliant idea of buying a wedding gown that would cover her bulky shoulder pads during her nuptials, and she also saved time by wearing her cake mime makeup during the ceremony.

As you can see in this photo, our plucky Pam pulled it off so deftly that it hardly showed. You go, girl!

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A model presents a creation from Serguei Povaguin collection at Barcelona Bridal Week fashion show June 1, 2007. REUTERS/Albert Gea

If you’re not into long engagements, this creation unveiled at London Fashion Week on Valentine’s Day might be just the thing for you.

Dubbed the “Chapel in a Chapeau,” it’s everything today’s busy woman needs for a quick wedding. Just pull down the brim and you have a lovely bridal gown, and that’s only the beginning. It also holds two gold bands, some rice and a small cake, plus steak knives, a fondue pot and other wedding presents.

Wait. Maybe that isn’t what’s going on here, but I’m not sure what is. All I know is I don’t want this woman sitting in front of me at the movies. Feel free to offer imaginative, alternative photo captions via Post a Comment. 

A model wears a creation for designers Basso & Brooke during their Autumn/Winter 2007 show at London Fashion Week in London February 14, 2007. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

This bridal outfit, shown yesterday at a fashion show, is more practical than it looks. Brides like to keep their wedding dress forever, and that means a large cardboard box goes with you every time you move, year after year, until you die.  By contrast, this ”gown” fits in a handy ziplock sandwich bag, where it can stay until you want to wear it to renew your vows 50 years from now.   

A model presents a bridal outfit of Passion du Brasil collection during Bucharest Fashion Week in Bucharest November 27, 2006. REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel