Blog Guy, I’m planning my wedding, and I need your advice. My four bridesmaids are very pretty, and I don’t want them to outshine me at my own event.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem like kind of a bitch.

Hey, thanks! So how can I make sure I’m the brightest star on my special day?

Oh, just do what every other bride does. Choose the most hideous outfits imaginable for your bridesmaids. They can’t stop you.

Check this combo shot, and pretend those are your four bridesmaids coming down the aisle, all skanked-up like the Queen of Uglytown…

I love it. It’s beyond HIDEOUS! Surely it doesn’t exist!

It’s real, and it was just presented at a genuine fashion show. I’m pretty sure it’s made from old car upholstery. Also note the shoes and a very special touch, a full shower curtain hanging from the hem and dragging on the floor.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Years from now my friends and I will have such fun looking at the wedding photos!

You really are out of your mind, aren’t you, honey?

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A model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Elena Burenina during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, I’m very worried and I need your help. I read this article about expensive performers you can hire for weddings and parties. Like for just $1.5 million, I guess you could have Amy Winehouse sing at a child’s birthday party.

Yeah, if you’re not trying for the “Parent of the Year” award.

Well, here’s what really worries me. The article said Barry Manilow will play a party for $1.3 million. But what if he ‘demands more than that to NOT show up and play? I’m not sure I can afford that.

Sorry, you’ve lost me there…

Look. Suppose I’m setting up for my wedding reception and suddenly Barry Manilow comes by and says, “Looks like a nice party here. It’d be a shame if I came along and sang, wouldn’t it? For $2 million, I can promise that won’t happen.”

Well if that happens, then you just hang tough and say, “Look here, Barry Manilow, I’m not afraid of anything you can do to me!”

Yeah? And so then what if he raises his thumb, opens his mouth and says,” But I sent you away, oh Mandy, well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin’ and I need you today, oh, Mandy…”

Yeah, now I see your point. Is there anybody you could borrow the $2 million from? Maybe a second mortgage on your house, or dip into your 401K or something?

Slideshow on expensive wedding performers

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Above: British singer Amy Winehouse arrives at the City of Westminster Magistrates Court in central London, March 17, 2009. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Left: Singer Barry Manilow in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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We have this story today that says if you don’t know enough people to invite to your wedding, it turns out you can HIRE total strangers from this Japanese agency who will come and pretend to be your family and friends.

Surely this is another sign of that approaching Apocalypse. In addition to all the other runaway expenses of having a wedding, you can now add $200 a person so you don’t look quite as much like the total loser you really are?

The story says sometimes the marriage partner isn’t even aware of the deception. If you have to hire shills to fool your fiancée, doesn’t that border on fraud?

And doesn’t it lead to recurring expenses when you have to bring these people back for Christmas and birthdays and stuff?

What happens if your bride’s REAL friends find out that yours are only temps? They’ll feel like chumps for attending for free, that’s what!

I see so much potential for disaster here…

“Honey, I want you to meet my folks. Well, yes, now that you mention it, I guess they DO look Japanese, don’t they? Gee, I could ask them, but I don’t really understand what they’re saying…..

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A poodle models a wedding dress for pets in Tokyo in a 2003 file photo. REUTERS/Issei Kato

A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo, May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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I guess every couple in love wants to be Romeo and Juliet. To refresh your memory, Juliet was a 13-year-old girl who couldn’t marry her boyfriend, so she takes a potion that makes her seem dead, then he finds her and takes poison, and when she wakes up and sees his body she stabs herself to death.

What young love bugs wouldn’t want a relationship like that?

Now modern lovers can have the ultimate romantic thrill, getting married on the balcony in the 13th century mansion thought to be the home of the Capulets of Shakespeare’s tragedy, ‘West Side Story.’

This is big stuff for incurable romantics. If it’s a success, there’s no end to the mawkishly tragic romantic shrines of pop culture that can offer the same deal.

“Honey, have you thought about where we should hold the wedding? I want someplace really romantic!

“I’m thinking like that air strip in ‘Casablanca.’ Or the cave in ‘The English Patient.’ Or you know, that Moscow tram from ‘Dr. Zhivago.”’

“Well wait, sweetie, don’t forget that covered bridge in Madison County… Or the Titanic. Is that still around?”

Video clip of the wedding

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Luca Ceccarelli kisses his wife Irene Lanforti after getting married at Casa di Giulietta in Verona, Italy, June 1, 2009. Casa di Giulietta, or Juliet’s House, is a museum dedicated to Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet” play. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

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Hang on just a dad-gum minute there, Blog Guy!

What’s wrong, stranger who talks just like Jed Clampett?

You had a purty good sign of the Apocalypse a couple days back, but I reckon you overlooked a better one. I saw some Reuters photos of…

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve had nightmares. You mean the dressed-up pigs?

Durn tootin’ I do!

Yeah, they dress pigs up like humans at this festival in the Philippines. I saw Zorro, a bride and groom, some boxers, then I passed out.

So you missed the piggy weddin’ song, “Days of Swine and Roses?”

Sigh. I’m getting up a petition objecting to this event. Want to sign?

Shore, but how do you send a big petition all the way to the Philippines?

I just use a Manila envelope.

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Above: A roasted pig dressed like Zorro is on a wooden horse during an annual Lechon (roasted pig) festival in Manila, May 17, 2009.

Left: A man fixes a wig of a roasted pig dressed as a bride and groom during Lechon festival.

REUTERS/Cheryl Ravelo

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Blog Guy, I’m planning a June wedding and I’d like it to have a sophisticated feel. Are there any foreign wedding customs we might want to use?

Well, in Romania the brides all go sit out on the curb and smoke a butt together on the big day.

Ewwww. Why do they do that?

I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because more and more churches in Romania are becoming no-smoking.

Also, I believe there were some unpleasant accidents when brides tried smoking during the ceremony while they were veiled.

I think this is more of your crap. How do you know they’re sitting on a curb?

You’ve got me there. They could just be two very short brides. Yeah, that’s it. Watch for my upcoming Wikipedia piece, “The two-foot-tall Women of Romania.”

That’s better. I have to keep you honest.

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Women in wedding gowns smoke cigarettes under the shade during the “Bride Parade” in Bucharest May 17, 2009. The event gathered future and former brides under the slogan of, “Be a bride for one more day”. REUTERS/Radu Sigheti

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Every so often an idea comes along that is so awful it makes me wonder why there isn’t a “Bad Idea Hall of Fame” or maybe a “Bad Idea Olympics.”

Meet the “marriage hunting” bra, unveiled today in Tokyo.

It features a digital marriage countdown clock and, being a bra, it is worn around the midriff. I’m not making this up.

Gleefully, I imagine what happens when some potential husband out on a date thinks he’s getting to second base. Fumbling in the darkness he runs across the digital countdown readout and other circuitry, and…

The drama potential here is just too indescribably delicious.

“Honey, will you be my wife? That’s wonderful! Let’s head to the airport right now, so we can fly off to meet my family!”

Video report on the bra

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A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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So now they’re selling a diamond and gold-leaf “carat cake” as a $2,500 gift for guys to give when they propose marriage. I see disaster ahead.

“Honey, we’ve been dating for two years, and I have something to ask you…

“Here, have some of this very special cake while I’m talking. Go ahead, dig in.

“You know, I love you deeply, and I want… Ooooh, I guess your tooth fillings are reacting to those gold leaves, like chewing on a piece of Reynolds Wrap. Sorry.

“Anyway, we’re so happy, and… Sweetie, your gums are bleeding. See, those things are real diamonds, not Jujubes. Looks like you’ve cracked your front tooth…

“I didn’t think you’d cram all that gold in your mouth. You look like a fricking Colombian drug lord!

“You know, when you chew with your mouth open like that, the blood just sprays out. The diamonds must have cut a mouth artery or something… What was I saying? Never mind. It wasn’t important…”

Businessman Angelito Araneta Jr. shows a chocolate cake topped with 15 African diamonds and covered with 24-carat gold leaves, which he plans to sell at $2,558 to men for use as a marriage proposal gift. REUTERS/ Romeo Ranoco

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Quick quiz: Which wedding tradition never really caught on very well in the U.S.?

a) throwing the bouquet

b) making everybody do the Chicken Dance

c) taking 420,000 pictures you’ll never look at

d) having the bride pour oil over live coals

That’s right, the oil and coal tradition just hasn’t been embraced here, despite its enduring popularity in places like Kazakhstan and, well, Kazakhstan.

“Hey, Amy! Don’t you look radiant! Here’s your bag of Kingsford, your starter and a bucket of WD-40. Best wishes, girl!

“I’d like to stay and watch, but it’s time for the groom to do the traditional juggling of the concussion grenades…”

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A bride pours oil on a live coals following ancient nomadic tradition during wedding in Kazakhstan, November 15, 2008. REUTERS/Shamil Zhumatov

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A few weeks ago I had a very popular item about this guy in Nigeria who had 86 wives and was ordered to divorce all but four of them. You may recall it as I wish to file for 82 divorces, please.

Judging from the blog traffic I got, people seem to be pretty darned interested once a guy goes past, say, a couple dozen wives.

Well, he didn’t get the divorces and they threw him in jail, but wait! News comes today that a judge has ordered him to be released unconditionally.

Not only that, the judge also ordered the police to protect the man from the local chiefs who were on his case in the first place! This frees him up to return to his full-time occupation of shopping for anniversary gifts…

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Different guy, lots of wives. King Mswati III watches as bare-breasted virgins compete for his eye in a traditional Reed Dance in Swaziland August 31, 2008. He was looking for a 14th wife. REUTERS/Siphiwe Sibeko

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