Oddly Enough Blog

Meet the Duchess of Holiday Weekends

Blog Guy, it’s me, the guy you got hooked on photos of that duchess…

I guess that narrows it down to about nine million guys.

I need fresh pictures, but the last time I asked, you gave me a duchess made of butter and a chick with gross fingernails. So this time, I’ll be clearer.

No names, please.

Okay, um, she’s a duchess, she got married recently and she’s a member of a royal family… Is that enough for you to go on?

Sure, say no more. I’ve got just what you want. Presenting, Spain’s Duchess of Alba Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva, dancing at her wedding a few days ago.

Duchess, the sun never sets on the British vampire…

I’ll admit I was skeptical when I saw photos of the cast of yet another TV movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Did we really need this? I mean, I guess maybe if they found a dead ringer to play Kate… Nope, that’s not it…

Let’s see, according to IMDB, the movie was shot in ROMANIA? Huh? Well, that’s different. Now I get it! These clever folks have added an element of horror to the story:

* * * * * *

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

INTERIOR, DUSK, A GOTHIC CASTLE

LIGHTNING FLASHES AT THE WINDOWS

Mystery brunette with Prince William?

Blog Guy, I’m confused. I was walking past a toy shop in London and I saw a doll that looked like Prince William.

He was packaged with a female doll dressed as a bride. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her.

Ah, she looks like that Hollywood actress, Minnie Driver.

Jeez, Blog Guy, doesn’t it seem strange to sell Prince William and Minnie Driver dolls together, like they’re a couple.

I guess maybe he used to go out with her before his recent marriage. Wait. On closer inspection of those dolls, I’m not sure that’s Prince William at all! It may be Moose, from the Archie Comics.

By golly, I think you’re right. That’s Moose in his high school band uniform! But how does Moose know Minnie Driver?

Bride pride? Taking to the bridal path…

Blog Guy, I was surprised to read your item about that Bridesmaid Festival. Are there any other examples of wedding nostalgia events you’re aware of?

Sure. Over in the Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk they just had their annual “Parade of Brides,” where 100 young married women took part in the event to relive their wedding day.

RELIVE THEIR WEDDING DAY? Are you kidding me?

Thanks to my ex-wife’s lawyer I relive my freaking wedding day all year long! It’s gonna take years of therapy to change that.

I’m sorry you’re so bitter about the institution of marriage. Clearly, many people find it joyful to remember such a romantic day.

Hey, wait just a second, Blog Guy! Krasnoyarsk? Isn’t that the place you call “Wackytown?” Isn’t it the city you’ve identified as the goofiest spot on earth?

Bridesmaid Festival, attendants required?

Blog Guy, I have a common problem. I’ve been a bridesmaid in three weddings this year alone, and I don’t know what to do with all my stupid bridesmaid dresses.

I mean, they’re all hideous and I can’t wear them anyplace. There must be something they’re good for.

You could pack them up, fly to Spain and wear them at the annual International Bridesmaid Festival, seen here in these photos.

I didn’t even know about the Bridesmaid Festival! It looks like a great way to get one more use out of these stupid, expensive gowns. Can you tell me more?

Well, I’m much too lazy to do actual research, but I can look at the photos and guess what’s going on.

I suppose they have bachelorette parties, do funny stuff to their hair and drink lots of Kahlua.

Could this be how they tracked Osama?

Blog Guy, you’re the only one I trust to come up with the real story on how they got Osama bin Laden. There has to be more to it than merely a decade of meticulous hard work by the military and intelligence agencies.

I can’t talk about it. It’s too sensitive.

Come on, Blog Guy. Look, I wouldn’t be online if I couldn’t keep a secret, and we’ve already established that it’s safe to put it in your blog, since nobody looks here.

Well, okay, I have to admit it was ingenious. They invited bin Laden to the wedding.

The ROYAL wedding? Last Friday, between Britain’s Prince William and Kate Middleton? No way!

It gets better. They knew he probably wouldn’t come, but as our wedding etiquette column recently advised, once you get a wedding invitation you have to send a gift.

There’s got to be a morning after…

Blog Guy, it’s me again. That guy you got hooked on Kate Middleton pictures. What do you have for me today?

Are you serious? We gave you 62,000 photos of her yesterday. Give the woman some peace. Give me some peace, too.

I’ve used those up already. I need fresh stuff.

Cripes. Okay, I sent a guy out and got them walking around Buckingham Palace TODAY, before they got on a chopper and took off on their honeymoon.

Thanks, Blog Guy, I won’t forget this.

So where they going on their honeymoon? The Seychelles, Kenya, Mustique, Australia, Corfu? I know it’s a huge secret, but your sources are the best.

That’s what a royal wedding looks like

Okay, I know when I’ve lost. I had planned to avoid doing anything on the Big Event today because why should my blog look like all the rest?

But many readers have said they couldn’t find stuff about the wedding anywhere else, and they’ve begged me for fresh pictures and details, so I guess I’ll have to pander just a bit.

If my coverage of the royals gets too technical, please let me know, and I’ll slow down.

Kate wore a white dress and carried what look like flowers, and Prince William wore a red uniform, looking very much like the tuba player in my old high school band. There was lots of waving.

After the wedding the couple changed clothes and walked over to Buckingham Palace with some blond person as you can see in the photo on the right. I don’t know, maybe Madonna or somebody.

If you run out of REAL wedding news…

Blog Guy, that royal wedding is getting really close now, so how about some more of your expertise? I believe you mentioned a royal carriage would be used for Prince William and Kate?

Absolutely, and here you can see the regal vehicle, with the royal couple riding around in it for practice.

Gosh, I thought if might be a little nicer.

These things are never quite as majestic as we imagine them, are they?

Who’s that baby in the carriage with them?

What do I look like, a fricking genealogist?

In a jam with the royal ma’am?

Blog Guy, you have to help me. That royal wedding is in two days, and I don’t know how to act around the queen! Our invite hasn’t arrived yet, but we live in rural Indiana, and mail takes a while to get here.

Um, could you even get from Indiana to England in time?

I think we could if we went first class, which I believe goes faster.

Ah, of course. Well, you’re in luck. We’ve just run yet another etiquette piece, specifically advising lower class losers on how to behave around royalty.

Let’s see, here’s something useful from it. “Naturally, if The Queen offers to shake hands, you should reciprocate with a gentle handshake (no vigorous hand pumps).”

So I guess I shouldn’t high-five her, then?