Congratulations, it’s your wedding day!

Sure, as the groom, you may have cold feet, it’s only natural. Like maybe you’re afraid to take the plunge because oh, let’s just say for instance you remembered you’re already married to someone else.

So on the morning of the wedding you go talk reasonably to your bride-to-be, or her parents, or your clergyman, right?

Or maybe, like the brilliant, take-charge groom in our story, you just set your hotel on fire so there can’t be a wedding…

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Above: A couple holds their wedding ceremony inside an ice chapel earlier this year in Japan. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

Below: A bride in traditional Japanese wedding attire poses for photos with her groom in Japan earlier this year. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Blog Guy, I was supposed to be married, but my fiancé stood me up at the altar and took off with my best friend. What can I do to express my anger?

Fortunately, you no longer need to suffer in silence when you’re “jilt to the hilt,” thanks to a fashion creation called the Veil of Tears.

For $99.99 you can get a effigy of your fiancé or the chick who lured him away, and a handy clip to attach it to your actual unused wedding veil.  For instance, the woman in this fashion photo apparently lost her boyfriend to Lucille Ball.

Now, everywhere you go, folks will get the message about your fiancé and the trash queen that stole him away. Or, for only $499.99, get the deluxe model, which comes with colorful pins and a genuine voodoo curse! Batteries not included.

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A model presents a creation of Geova Rodriguez designer Spring 2009 collection during New York Fashion Week, September 6, 2008. REUTERS/Kena Betancur

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From Nigeria, a story about this guy with 86 wives. Not surprisingly, he’s having some legal problems.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say I have financial interests in Nigeria. I’m helping a certain prince move large sums of cash and gold out of that country, thanks to a lucky e-mail opportunity. I expect to be very rich, very soon.

Anyway, local chiefs and Muslim leaders threatened to force the polygamist to leave the area unless he divorced all but FOUR of his wives, which after all is three more wives than he would be allowed in a lot of places. But now, a court has given him a reprieve until it decides whether he can be banished.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the husband says he isn’t planning any divorces, and intends to marry even MORE wives! That sounds like one wacky place, and I’ll be very relieved when my cash is safely out of there!

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Different country, lots of wives: Three of King Mswati’s 13 wives arrive for the traditional Reed Dance at the royal palace in Swaziland August 31, 2008. Sub-Saharan Africa’s last absolute monarch was expected to choose his 14th wife. REUTERS/Siphiwe Sibeko

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Folks, we got a wedding to plan! Who’s giving away the bride? The proud father?

No, Salvatore’s in prison.

How about the bride’s Uncle Leoluca or her brother Gianni?

Prison.

Um, her brother Giuseppe?

Prison. No, wait! I think Giuseppe got out! HE can give her away!

Welcome to the tribulations of planning a wedding in Sicily for the daughter of a former “boss of bosses.” And it only gets worse.

Now, what town are they getting married in?

Corleone.

Corleone? You’re freakin’ kidding me, right? Why don’t you just shoot me now?

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Lucia Riina, daughter of the most feared Sicilian Mafia boss Salvatore “Toto” Riina, marries Vincenzo Bellomo in Corleone, Sicily, July 23, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Well Mom, at long last, meet Patty - my sweet bride! Oh, I think Patty likes you, Mom! She doesn’t usually smile that much. Patty is too shy to tell you herself, but see those white doves in her hair? She shot them herself!

The flour make-up was her idea. She says it will cut the chances anybody will recognize her from our wedding photos.

I mean, sure, Patty has paid her debt to society. But you know Mom, it’s just like she always says, “If they want to find a body in your backyard bad enough, they’ll find it!”

Just think, Mom, in an hour, she’ll be family!

Bridal fashion slideshow:

A model presents a creation from Victorio & Lucchino collection at Barcelona Bridal Week fashion show May 28, 2008. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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The tills are alive, with the sound of money,
The tourists will pay, for our souvenirs,
Their cash fills our tills, with the sound of mon-ney
Room service, bring us a doz-zen beers!

It turns out the original Sound of Music family home is being turned into a hotel, or you might say a von tourist von Trapp… You can sleep there, you can get married in the family chapel, or eat a few of your favorite things in the dining room.

This could be the start of a movie hotel theme trend. We could see the No Country for Old Men Hotel.  Dine in our Friendo Cafe. Locked out of your guest room? No problem! Bellhop Anton will be up to pop the lock for you!

Or maybe you prefer the There Will be Blood Bed and Breakfast? Enjoy dinner in the Plainview Restaurant. Drink your milkshake before Daniel does! Nah, maybe not.

Related post: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

Hotel director Marianne Dorfer stands in front of Villa Trapp, the original Sound of Music family home, in Salzburg May 13, 2008. REUTERS/photo Leonhard Foeger

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Blog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

Related post: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

A model presents a creation from the wedding gown fashion line of JL Couture by designer Jenny Lee in New York April 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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Blog Guy, I have a delicate problem. Our daughter is getting married next week and it’s a shotgun wedding. I’m choosing my dress, and I don’t know where I should carry my ammo for the event. 

Um, you may be taking that term a tad too literally. Modern parents don’t often tote a real shotgun to the nuptials. 

There are trendy tasers and other items to make sure the groom ”does the right thing.” And check out this number, which incorporates your firepower right into the dress!

But, if your heart is set on a traditional, old-fashioned shotgun marriage, complete with showing your gauge to the engaged, I’d recommend this creation. It turns your extra shotgun shells into festive accessories in a truly glamorous outfit. Bridesmaids, lock and load!

A model displays a creation by Fashion East during their Autumn/Winter 2008 show at London Fashion Week February 13, 2008. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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Well, here’s one of my recurring nightmares. Not getting married - that was great - but standing out on the ledge of a tall building. I’d rather ride in a gyrocopter, or visit that new Grand Canyon skywalk.

Anyway, these two people both work as exterior cleaners of tall buildings, so they decided to incorporate rappelling into their ceremony, because like they don’t get enough of that on regular days. You’ll note in the caption below we’re careful to mention that the groom is the one on the right, just in case you’re confused about which is which.

Anyway, I’ve avoided using most of the tempting references - marriage is a big step, they don’t rappel each other, and so on, so feel free to use those in your comments.

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Jiang Dezhang (R), 27, kisses his bride Tie Guangju, 26, while rappelling from a building during their wedding ceremony in Kunming, China, August 28, 2007. REUTERS