Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Nine ways to lose weight and live forever
People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”
These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.
If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.
Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.
This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.
Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!
A post-Thanksgiving image booster
Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.
Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?
You betcha. Here at the top is a shot of Spain’s crown princess this week, and you can see her extra weight doesn’t seem to be slowing her down any.
Are you crazy, Blog Guy? She looks like a skeleton! They should be force-feeding her this very minute! Go back to your photo file and look again, and this time find a voluptuous, zaftig fashion model. Let’s see some curves!
Okay, here you go, a model from a recent Fashion Week in Madrid. Look at those gams, va-va-va-voom!
OMG! Put her in a wheelchair before her legs snap! I don’t… Oh, wait. I get it, Blog Guy. You’re a genius!
I’d have to give blessing with you on this. Which is not something I typically do! I love reading a post that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment.
Lose weight the Christmas Party way!
It’s time for more of our etiquette tips aimed at people who were raised by warthogs in the wild.
Our latest advice is on diet etiquette for the holidays. You know, getting through parties and dinners while keeping both your diet and your friendships intact.
Our diet etiquette piece starts by advising you never to go to a party hungry. What you should do, our writer suggests, is have an apple or cheese or nuts before you go, “and drink a full glass of water before you head out.”
Of course this water strategy makes it extra special when your host greets you at the door with, “Welcome to our home, I hope you don’t need to use the toilet, because ours is totally broken.”
Regarding festive wine and cocktails, our etiquette writer says she herself “stopped drinking alcohol at parties a long time ago, when I realized it clouded my thinking.”
Really? Clouded your thinking? For instance did you find yourself eating apples and cheese and drinking water just before going to a party?
Eating healthy for peanuts?
Blog Guy, so we’ve established that you lost some weight recently. I found your health tips helpful, but could you be more specific about what you ate?
Sure. I ate everything with a pulse.
So you went on an all-meat diet?
No, no, I mean pulse as in the edible seeds of certain legumes. Peas, beans, lentils, peanuts. VERY healthful stuff.
Oh right. I saw that movie “Lentil,” with Barbra Streisand.
That was YENTL. Try to focus here. Look, I’m talking about a legume.
@Jclimacus:
Mind your peas and Qs, Xs, and Ys. Join the Oddly Enough blog network.
Baby, we’re goin’ out for head lard!
Blog Guy, you know how on these hot, sticky summer evenings you get in a real mood for…
I bet you’re going to say lard, right?
You get those cravings too, huh? Man, there just aren’t any good lard restaurants around these days!
Sure there are. I go to one in western Ukraine, where you can get your lard in the shape of a head. Boy, a slab of head lard and a nice crisp sauvignon blanc, you can’t beat it.
But wait. They don’t serve those skimpy little-bitty portions, do they? I hate that.
No, that’s the best part. It’s an all-you-can-eat head lard and pig fat buffet, AND a dinner theater.
Five great tips for keeping in shape
Blog Guy, you seem to have lost some weight, judging from your blog profile photo, and it looks like you’re working out, as well. Please share some health and fitness tips with your readers.
Okay. The first thing is to figure out what you should weigh. There are plenty of free online tools for calculating your Body Mass Index, which is a simple function of your height and weight.
Now, this is important to know. By BMI standards, nearly everyone on earth shows up as morbidly obese.
Ouch. Is there any way around that?
Yes. I told the calculator I was 7’11″ tall, and suddenly it said I weighed too LITTLE! I got fried chicken and cheesecake for dinner, baby!
Wow, that’s very useful to know. My doctor says I also need to lose five inches from around my waist. That’s going to be tough.
That Queen one always makes me laugh….like she’s *really* going to get a turn. 
So there isn’t a Toaster Pastry Diet?
Okay, we already know there are a lot of really stupid people out there, but it may be time to recalibrate my measuring scale.
I just clicked on an item headlined “8 Foods to Banish from your Diet,” expecting it would offer some surprise foods that have more calories than most people think.
The first item on their list? Stick margarine. And there I was, snacking on a big old stick of trans fats clutched in my oily hand.
So that explains why I’m gaining weight, and also why my computer keyboard is pretty gross.
I mean really? Does this come as news to anybody?
It gets worse. This article then goes on to warn us about sodas, movie-theater popcorn, hot dogs, deep-dish pizza and whole milk. Well crap, that’s pretty much my entire grocery list, right there.
I shall put up a pic on FB, if I get around to making it.. 
Along came a slider who sat down beside her…
Lamar, we’ve got another big fashion show today. What have you done to cut costs? I’m worried about this rule that we have to have food for the models.
Are you kidding, Boss? That costs us nothing! I just put out the five sliders again.
Excuse me? What sliders?
Sorry Boss, I thought you knew. Back in 1958 my grandmother made some little hamburgers for our very first fashion show. They were so plump and succulent, of course the models didn’t dare come near them.
Now, I put the same burgers out each year and spritz a little Eau de Boeuf spray around the table.
Fascinating! Didn’t they ever go bad, Lamar?
Do they do the nifty cocktail sticks in the bakery supply catalogue? I could use some of those.
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.
I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.