Today we have a video report on a woman who has created something truly remarkable - what she believes to be the world’s biggest scissors.

I think this may be the same person who last year designed a super laser and nearly captured the record for the most laser eye surgeries in under two minutes.

She would have won it, too, had it not been for a few pathetic whiners in the group.

“My eyes! My eyes! Help me!” Oh please, get a spine!

But I digress. Anyway, she’s back now with these huge scissors.

I’m guessing her new goal is to perform the most vasectomies with an unsterilized instrument in under five minutes!

She needs volunteers, so guys, step up and help a worthy cause.

Warning: If you’re one of those wimps who cried about your melting eyeballs last time, then just stay at home with your guide dog.

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From Nepal comes news that women marched through Kathmandu today to denounce a government plan to pay cash incentives to men for marrying widows.

Not surprisingly, widows are a bit put off by this, saying they would prefer jobs, better health care and education, and that basically being buttheads, men would tend to marry them for the reward and then abandon them.

I’ll tell you who should REALLY be protesting, is poor husbands like you and me!

Dudes, imagine if all your wife had to do to share in a $650 bounty was marry some younger, better-looking guy. Now imagine if already being married to you was the ONLY thing standing in the way of her $650 good life.

You see what I mean? Husbands may as well have big targets painted their foreheads.

My advice, guys?

First, check and see if you live in Nepal. You may be surprised. Second, see if your wife has been signing checks as “The Widow Basler” or something like that. And third, is there a deadbolt on your cutlery drawer?

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British actress and campaigner Joanna Lumley is welcomed by widows of British Gurkhas and their families at Pokhara airport, west of Kathmandu, July 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gopal Chitrakar

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From Japan comes news that the luxury brand Hermes will soon provide a new luxury helicopter service between luxury downtown Tokyo and luxury Narita Airport.

This is great for folks who hate making the long trip by taxi or bus, unless you’re bothered by the $790 one-way fare. Plus I’m sure they expect you to just give them $800 and say keep the change.

Here’s the thing. I lived over in Asia for years, and the first thing they do with any luxury item is make cheap knock-off copies. Very soon, copycat Hermes choppers will be offering to carry tourists to the airport for two bucks.

As with any knock-offs, some of them will work but some will flop off the buildings and crash immediately. Meanwhile, the Hermes Police will start blasting the knock-offs out of the sky, which will shorten some trips.

So for the next few months the place to be is in a slow-moving taxi with a sun roof, so you can watch the blazing aerial spectacle as you inch your way to the airport.

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Above: French customs official holds counterfeit Cartier watches in 2001 file photo, after seizing knock-off luxury goods bearing names of labels including Hermes, Fendi and Cartier. REUTERS/ John Schults

Right: Japan’s first Hermes helicopter is unveiled in Tokyo, August 7, 2009. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a sports enthusiast. Do you actually participate in any popular sports?

You bet! I just got back from the annual Kirkpinar oil wrestling tournament, in Turkey.

I just don’t see you as a Turkish oil wrestler.

It’s great! About 2,000 wrestlers all oiled up, slathering and slithering for three days in different categories.

What on earth kind of “different categories” are there in oil wrestling?

Well, you’ve got Canola Oil, Olive Oil, Bacon Grease, PAM Spray…

Then you’ve got the combo categories like Oil and Vinegar, Oil and Breadcrumbs, Chickpeas, Honey, Garlic, Almonds, Sizzling Prawns and all your Fondue categories…

So you enjoy the physical contact, the thrill of gladiator-style combat?

Heck no. I just go for the great smell. It’s like being at a Benihana!

Oil wrestling slideshow

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Oil wrestlers compete in the 648th annual Kirkpinar oil wrestling tournament at the Sarayici arena in Edirne, northwestern Turkey, July 5, 2009. REUTERS/ Murad Sezer

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Blog Guy, a couple of months ago you said there were pockets of China that have little gravity. Do you have any more info on that?

Sure. Here are military training photos from Sichuan Province. These guys have bricks hanging on them at all times, even when they sleep, just to keep grounded.

I think you’re full of it. I’ve seen people walking around brickless in Sichuan without any problem.

I’m going to change my answer slightly. These guys are in a yo-yo club. Chinese yo-yos are…

No, they’re not yo-yos, Blog Guy…

This man suffers from sleep-walking, and the brick stops him from… Wait! These are prisoners in a Chinese chain gang?

That’s it! You’re a moron. I’m out of here.

Don’t go! These are Chinese lunchboxes. Hey Chen, I’ll trade you my Braunschweiger sandwich for your Hostess Cupcake….”

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Paramilitary policemen attend a training session at a military base in Suining, Sichuan province June 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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I’ve blogged before about Saint Death, this grinning skeletal figure who isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, but is revered by drug traffickers and other criminal scumbags.

I get a kick out of this guy, because I don’t begin to see how he fits in with regular theology. I noticed this photo when soldiers in Mexico seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine. According to the caption this is an “altar to venerate Saint Death.”

Looking at the AR-15 rifle leaning against the thing, I’m thinking they meant “ventilate” instead of venerate.

Anyway, note the statues of the saint and the large work of art. The caption doesn’t say, but I’m hoping and praying the artwork is made of velvet. It just seems right.

To get scholarly for a moment, the blown up section shows Death is smoking a joint, something you rarely see in religious art apart from Saint Jerry Garcia. He is also waving a scythe, similar to the one Saint Happy New Year! carries.

Finally, in big gold lettering on the frame we see SANTA MUERTE, which I believe translates to “Maybe we should have chosen another frickin’ career.”

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An AR-15 rifle is seen at the base of an altar to venerate Saint Death, inside a house seized by the army during an operation in Monterrey, northern Mexico June 23, 2009. The army seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine during an operation early Tuesday. One man was detained and three more escaped, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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If you weren’t convinced the world is going to hell from reading my post on the Heart Attack Grill, here’s an item that should put you over the top.

You know how, after a hard day of work, you really want to find somebody to belittle and demean and taunt?

Yeah, me neither. But now there’s this bar that actually encourages its customers to insult the staff, and even gives free drinks for really creative abuse. Seriously.

“When you come in after work, you can swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said one happy customer.

Here’s what I think would be REALLY neat. I like to imagine that as this bar gets more publicity, people will come from farther away to try their abuse, and some of them will accidentally go to the bar across the street. The one owned and staffed by twisted psychopaths and recently released homicidal maniacs.

I’ll just sip my drink and watch the fun.

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Above: A boat sails past buildings at the coast line of Cullera, Spain, where the bar is located, March 27, 2009. REUTERS/Heino Kalis

Below: Co-owner Michal Lotocki (L) and a customer argue and insult each other in a friendly way at the ‘Casa Pocho’ bar in Cullera, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Heino Kalis

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Blog Guy, I just heard that a pilot on a Continental Airlines flight from Brussels to Newark died in mid-flight today!

That’s true. But the plane was landed safely by two co-pilots.

Yikes! That raises so many questions!

Like what?

Like, when the plane landed, what did the arrival sign look like?

I’m very glad you asked that, complete stranger. It gives me the opportunity to use our actual photograph of the sign, which otherwise nobody might ever see. It looked a lot like this.

Amazing! were you alone with that shot?

Um, something tells me others managed to get it, too.

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Above: A message board shows the arrival of flights at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey, June 18, 2009. The pilot of Continental Airlines flight 61 died in mid-flight and the plane landed safely under the control of two co-pilots.

Right: cameramen shoot the arrival boards.

REUTERS photos by Eric Thayer

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Sometimes a news story is so jam-packed with stupidity that it just overflows with creamy stupid goodness.

A teenager goes into a tattoo parlor. She says she wants three stars tattooed on her face, but ends up getting 56, which would be a whole lot more than three.

You’re saying, “Bob, how does something this stupid happen?”

For starters, she FALLS ASLEEP during the procedure, and wakes up as her nose is being tattooed, or so she says. I personally can’t see dozing off while some guy is puncturing my face like a pin-cushion, but maybe that’s just me.

Here’s another thing. The tattoo “artist” says he thought the girl wanted 56 stars.

Kids, a tattoo parlor is a place where you don’t want ANY ambiguity whatsoever.

You know how you always double-check that your surgeon knows how many legs you want amputated, and you always ask which cord to pull to deploy your parachute? Well, it’s just like that.

So now this poor girl has to live with those 56 facial stars the whole time she’s at Harvard, if she goes there. And later in life, say she’s a Supreme Court Justice, she’ll always be “Justice Johnson, the first Supreme Court Justice with 56 stars on her face…”

Video report

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Above: Video grab of star tattoo girl

Left: Isobel Varley poses during a tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley, born in 1937, is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to the Guinness World Records. REUTERS/ Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, I know you closely follow the film industry. What’s Steven Spielberg’s next blockbuster?

Well, of course he put his movie projects on hold in recent months while he campaigned to become President of Iran. But now it looks like…

WHAT? President of Iran?

Yeah, you probably followed the campaign as I did, through photos, but he must have lost, because he suddenly dropped off of the photo file.

You’re trying to tell me the director of “Schindler’s List” ran for President of Iran? Are  you an idiot? You’re mixing up Spielberg with presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi!

Oh yeah? Have you ever seen those two dudes together at the same time?

Of course not!

Bingo. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Above left: Iran presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi, REUTERS/Raheb Homavandi

Above right: Director Steven Spielberg REUTERS/Mike Theiler

Left upper: Iran presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi REUTERS/Morteza Nikoubazi

Left lower: Director Steven Spielberg REUTERS/Jean-Paul Pelissier

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