Okay marketing team, we need an image for our new candy product.

We want to use a man’s name. It turns out Russell Stover is already taken, so we’re gonna have to go with our second choice, Osama bin Laden.

Heck, let’s call him SUPER! Nothing says “yummy, tasty, milk coconut kulfa balls” like Super Osama bin Laden.

I want a photo of him with his mouth open, holding up a finger like he’s saying, “Kids, they’re kulfa-licious!”

Lonnie, we’ll need a marketing plan similar to the ones for our Gummy Hitlers and Satan Brittle.

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A man holds a box of Pakistan-made “Super Osama Bin Laden, Kulfa Balls” milk and coconut flavor hard candies bought at a bazaar in Kandahar city June 10, 2009.  REUTERS/ Jorge Silva

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Two places that belong in the Disgusting Infestation Hall of Fame have reason to celebrate today.

This week we heard about a police station in Sierra Leone that was overrun by venomous snakes. I’m pleased to report soldiers with AK-47s and firemen with power hoses have attacked the slither-fest, and killed about 250 of the 400 snakes.

Imagine how much safer folks will feel now, with a mere 150 snakes left!

Meanwhile, I’ve blogged about Alaska’s Rat Island, which has been run by rats for 229 years ever since a shipwreck spilled rampaging rodents onto the remote island. Suffice it to say as an island tourist destination, Rat Island hasn’t been giving Maui any sleepless nights.

But now the place appears to be rat-free, thanks to a government program of dropping poison from helicopter-hoisted buckets. The only remaining question is what to call the place.

Some helpful suggestions from me:

• The Fetid Stench-Pit Formerly Known as Rat Island
• Your Tax Dollars at Work Island
• Little Skeletons Island

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Above: Rat Island in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Alaska Maritime National Wildlife Refuge/Handout.

Right: A St. Domenico statue is covered with snakes at the beginning of the St. Domenico’s procession in Cocullo, central Italy in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi/Files

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Ring ring ring…

“Hello? Is this the police? I want to come down to the station to report a stolen car…”

“Your call is important to us. Currently our office is being overrun by hundreds of venomous snakes, so please expect to be bitten a few times and maybe die.”

“Ah, then I think I’ll just wait. Maybe I’ll start taking the bus instead of driving. Good-bye.”

The above was a simulated conversation about a real situation over in Sierra Leone, where an actual police station is overflowing with slithering cobras and vipers.

According to our story they’ve tried getting rid of them by using snake charmers and have also tried smoking them out, with no luck. The next plan is to use firemen and soldiers to flood them out, which I’m guessing they haven’t properly discussed with experts or with their insurance agents.

I’m also guessing that the only bright spot is that reported crimes in that precinct are way, way down.

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Above: Snake Handler Jack Bibby dangles rattlesnakes from his mouth during a performance at the Taylor Rattlesnake Sacking Championships in Taylor, Texas, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

Left: A traditional dancing devil parades down the streets of central Freetown, Sierra Leone, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Katrina Manson

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A guy has been sentenced to five months in jail for snatching the toupee off the head of a politician. Five months, and I’m not making that up.

The court’s reasoning was that the wig-grabber deprived the lawmaker of his “freedom to look good.”

Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that there WAS a freedom to look good, or I would have exercised it long ago.

It seems like this landmark decision could be the basis for legal action against the makers of nose rings, pork pie hats and even worse stuff, if there IS worse stuff.

And surely barbers who give mullet haircuts could go to prison for life.

I’d give a lot to see this guy on his first day in the slammer, when he has to tell the other hardened cons that he’s doing time for wig-snatching. They may deprive  him of his freedom to look good pretty quickly.

Video of the wig incident

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Above: Not the guy in the story. Former Philippine presidential contender Eddie Gil touches his wig in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Erik de Castro

Left: Wigged women at the E3 Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, June 2, 2009. REUTERS/Phil McCarten

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Blog Guy, I read that Australia’s troops in Afghanistan are unhappy with their food. Apparently they don’t like the stuff that the Dutch-run mess hall is serving. Could Dutch food really be that bad?

No. The Dutch eat lots of great cheeses, and all kinds of chocolate and stuff.

That sounds yummy. Have you been to Australia? What do they eat there?

Yes, I have. They eat Vegemite, this dark brown food paste that they spread on everything.

Ewwww. What else do they eat there?

Things called witchetty-grubs, which are worms.

Hmmm. So it’s worms and icky veggie spread vs. Gouda cheese and Droste Cocoa? What are the Australians doing about it?

Our story says they’re rushing in a special team of Australian cooks. And, I would guess, planeloads of worms.

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Britain’s Prince Charles pretends to eat a witchetty-grub during a bush foods demonstration at the Desert Park in Alice Springs, Australia. REUTERS/David Gray

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Okay, so they’ve appointed this new crime czar over in the West African nation of Guinea, to oversee the fight against drugs and serious crime.

Guys like that always call for more police, more convictions, blah blah blah. So let’s listen in and see what this dude, Captain Moussa Tiegboro Camara, suggests for fighting criminals.

He says burn ‘em. Just burn ‘em right up.

Holy crap! And he’s not talking about serial killers or nuclear terrorists, that’s just his suggestion for handling armed robbers.

“I’m asking you to burn all armed bandits who are caught red-handed committing an armed robbery,” is what he said yesterday. “The prisons are full and cannot take more people…”

I’d like to know what he has in store for more serious criminals, but I’m afraid to ask. I’m guessing it involves some combination of disembowelment, hungry rodents, Barry Manilow music and Brussels sprouts.

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Above: A police sign burns in the capital Conakry in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Saliou Samb

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Occasionally I do an item here having nothing remotely to do with humor, if it fits into a theme I call “Remind me what year this is, please?”

Right now, several people are on trial in the African country of Burundi, charged with murdering albinos to sell their body parts for use in witchcraft.

I’m going to mention what they are accused of again, in case you missed that. They are charged with killing albino human beings to sell their body parts.

It turns out more than 50 albinos have been murdered in Burundi and neighboring Tanzania in recent months. Witch doctors tell clients that albino body parts bring luck in love, life and business.

I don’t know too much about selling body parts, but if that many albinos have been killed, it’s pretty certain there is a viable market there.

Which leads me to wonder how much luck in love, life and business does a person have to want before shelling out money for the body parts of a fellow human being?

And by the way, I checked out the answer to my question: It seems this is 2009. Seriously.

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Above: A woman walks with her albino son to a courtroom in Ruyigi, Burundi, May 28, 2009. Prosecutors asked for life sentences for three people on trial for allegedly murdering albinos to sell their body parts for use in witchcraft.

Left: Kazungu Kassim (R), head of a Burundi albino association, listens to proceedings in the courtroom, May 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jean Pierre Aime Harerimana

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Blog Guy, I know you study military preparedness around the world. How do U.S. troops compare in areas like marksmanship?

We’re far ahead of most countries … Look at some photos taken in the last couple of days.

On the right are some Belarussian troops. They’re  holding their rifles upside-down, and are in danger of some nasty bayonet-through-the-foot accidents. If you have to get into a war, do it with these guys.

Gosh, you’d think just from watching TV they’d know more than that!

Exactly. Now look at some Saudi soldiers, below. They are pointing their rifles straight up, but looking in a totally different direction.

I’m guessing they call this shooting technique “Saudi no-peekie duck-hunting,” and it certainly makes a frontal assault seem pretty tempting.

Amazing. But just to make sure I understand, your entire assessment of the strength and preparedness of these two armies is being made from glancing at a couple of photos?

Oh, like it’s the first time THAT’s ever happened!

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Above: Belarussian honor guards perform during a show  opening an international arms exhibition in Minsk May 19, 2009. REUTERS/ Vasily Fedosenko

Left: Graduating soldiers from the Saudi special forces’ anti-terror unit demonstrate their skills in Riyadh May 17, 2009. REUTERS/Fahad Shadeed

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Blog Guy, what’s t he stupidest thing you’ve seen all year?

Saya, the humanoid robot teacher who supposedly makes facial expressions.

What’s so stupid about her?

They’re the worst expressions I’ve ever seen. I mean, who are we kidding?

These photos show Saya showing happiness, surprise, anger, disgust and fear, plus a shot of actress Martha Plimpton so I have an even number of headshots. Can you tell which expression is which?

The second one down on the left is Plimpton, I think.

That one isn’t part of the test.

Um, top right is happiness, I know that. Bottom right is anger, for sure.

Wrong and wrong. My point is, this will teach a whole generation of kids totally incorrect facial cues. When they enter a room, they won’t know a surprise party from an execution. I guess that’s good news for grifters and incompetent mimes, but for everyone else… You understand?

Sure. You’re saying Martha Plimpton is a robot?

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Above: humanoid robot named Saya is touched by school pupils during a demonstration at an elementary school in Tokyo, May 7, 2009. The robot can speak different languages and make facial expressions with motors inside her face. REUTERS/Issei Kato

Headshots:

happiness, surprise

Plimpton, fear

anger, disgust

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Blog Guy, I have a medical question. Among all the various ages, ethnicities, ages, races and professions, is there any single group that is most at risk for attention deficit disorders?

Absolutely. Recent studies show that officials in the natural gas field are 32 times more likely to have attention issues. Here are a bunch of those guys simply trying to pose for a group photo at a recent meeting. They can’t even look at a frickin’ camera and say cheese.

Hmmmm. As a person with no medical training and barely a high school education, can you suggest a reason for this?

No, but maybe today’s story on the meeting will shed some light:

SOFIA, April 24 (Reuters) - European governments and gas consumers must now pledge to back the Nabucco gas pipeline if Europe is to reduce its reliance on Russian gas, an energy security conference in Sofia heard on Friday. The Nabucco gas pipeline project to pump gas from the Caspian region via Turkey…

Hey look, there’s something shiny outside that window!

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Participants pose for a family photo during the “Natural Gas for Europe-Security and Partnership” energy summit in Sofia April 24, 2009. REUTERS/Oleg Popov

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