Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Getting down with ducks?
Citizens, you all know why we’re here. We need to do something about these killer ducks that have been preying on humans. Look, here’s a grisly photo of their latest victim.
I believe Sheriff Lamar has been searching for these vicious killers. Lamar?
That’s right, Mayor. I’ve been tracking the killer ducks on wet ground.
Where did you find out what duck feet look like?
On the Web.
Lamar, this is serious! How are the ducks choosing which citizens to attack?
Well Mayor, I guess they have a pecking order.
That’s enough, Lamar! We need to trick them with something.
Like a huge wooden human decoy, Mayor?
Lamar, we’re going to use the town’s Emergency Loudspeaker Broadcasting System. You’ll be up in the tower, and when you see them coming you’re going to warn everybody. Our lives depend on this. We need a one-word signal. What will you shout if it’s time for us to run away as fast as we can?
Um, how about DUCK!!!!!!!!!
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A worker takes a nap surrounded by ducklings at a duck farm on the outskirts of Jiaxing, Zhejiang province April 5, 2011. REUTERS/Stringer
Learn touch typing the fun way?
Okay designers, you know the problem. Despite the incredible popularity of computers, a high percentage of men aren’t learning to use a keyboard properly.
We need to teach men to type using the standard QWERTY method, named after the first six letters in the top row. Lamar, you said your group has made some progress?
That’s quite an accent you have there…
Blog Guy, I need some of your job-hunting advice. I was working on a résumé, but then I stopped.
Oh, you MUST resume your résumé. Why did you stop?
I needed lunch. I’m eating a clear beef broth and some healthy Japanese soybeans my mom sent.
Cleopatra? Who died and made YOU queen?
Blog Guy, I see there’s a very popular new biography of Cleopatra. Have you read it?
Indeed I have. “Cleopatra: A Life,” by Stacy Schiff. It’s a fascinating read. Cleopatra was part of the Ptolemaic dynasty, you know.
Welcome back to Stupidville
Blog Guy, you’ve written about your brother Basil, who used to be an expat export expert and now plays mandolin in Mandalay. But do you have any other siblings?
Sure, there’s my sister Alice. She lives in Dallas.
Does Alice have a nice house in Dallas?
Nice? It’s a palace!
A palace in Dallas for Alice?
She even has a sculpture in the garden.
A sculpture? Of what?
I’m sorry to say, it’s a phallus.
Sorry? You harbor malice toward Alice’s phallus in Dallas?
Well, perhaps I am callous.
But I thought you also had a sister named Susie.
Yeah. The floozy. She carries an Uzi…
I have to go now, Blog Guy. You just keep on talking.
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Actress Alice Braga poses at the premiere of her new film “The Rite” in Hollywood, January 26, 2011. REUTERS/Fred Prouser
Egrets, I’ve had a few…
An egret stands among anemone flowers…
* * * * * *
Honey, you can stop cooking, it looks like the Hendersons can’t make our dinner party after all!
Damn those people! How do you know?
Look out in the garden, they sent their egrets!
Some friends they turned out to be, huh?
Yeah, with friends like those, who needs anemones?
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An egret stands among anemone flowers in Ben-Shemen forest, near the Israeli town of Modiin, February 21, 2011. REUTERS/Ronen Zvulun
The Fall of the House of Ushers?
Blog Guy, what’s wrong? You’re looking very puzzled. Disoriented. Confused. Perplexed. Dumbstruck. Flustered. Even more than usual.
Yes, I’m very bothered by this top photo. The caption says these are ushers at the Royal Opera House, in London.
Flouting the health warnings?
Blog Guy, congratulate me. I just enlisted in the military. I’m a flute player, so I’m guaranteed a gig in a marching band.
No shooting, just fluting?
Durned tooting!
That’s great. So which branch of the service did you join? Army? Air Force?
It’s like they always say…
Hey Blog Guy, I just saw some new pictures of Jean-Marie Le Pen, that extreme right-wing French politician who once called the Holocaust a detail of history.
I saw those, too. There’s been a transition of leadership in his party.
You know who he sort of looks like? That baseball guy, the former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda.
How did this fruitcake get a blog?
Hey Blog Guy, I came by your house this morning but you weren’t at home.
No, sorry, I had a craving for navel oranges and went to the market.
Ah. Was it a fruitful trip?
No. Sadly, my quest for oranges was fruitless.
Why are oranges in short supply?
I believe there’s a navel blockade.
You mean a naval blockade, don’t you?
No, they’re blockading navel oranges on the highways, not on the waterways, so it’s not a naval navel blockade.
What about grapefruit?
That’s a second-rate citrate.
So what did you do, Blog Guy?
Well, you know my philosophy: when life hands you lemons, write a really dumb blog about oranges and then go have doughnuts.
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