Oddly Enough Blog

Stake Night on the Vampire Cruise?

Blog Guy, I know you’re a travel expert, and I need some advice. I am a vampire. I would like to go someplace where I don’t feel, you know, different.

Maybe I can help. I just saw a story saying hundreds of vampire enthusiasts are planning a vacation cruise on the the Zuiderdam, tailored to their interests. It’s called “Vamps at Sea.” Maybe you should try it.

Where are they going?

Just where you’d expect for vampires. Great Neck, Little Neck, Throg’s Neck, Turtleneck…

Perhaps you’re still not clear, Blog Guy. Those are “vampire enthusiasts.” I am an actual vampire.

I do understand. If you’ve ever seen an episode of “CSI” or “Murder, She Wrote,” then you know there’s always one REAL murderer at these organized theme vacations. That could be you, blending right in!

Scottish zombies get silly in Philly?

Blog Guy, I saw a bunch of photos of a zombie movie being made, with Brad Pitt, and it looked like it was in Philadelphia.

So?

But I live in Philly, and I haven’t seen any film activity here. What’s up?

Oh, that’s just a little bit of movie trickery. The film is set in Philadelphia, but they’ve redone another city to look just like it for the actual filming. I guess they did a good job, if it fooled a resident.

Wow! What city did they turn into Philly?

Glasgow, Scotland. So it totally looks like the real thing, huh?

Look, Honey, a free vacation cruise!

We may have hit the acme of absurdity. We should plant our flag and turn back.

Let me explain. I work at home, and I am interrupted daily by automated calls trying  to fool me in some way. I don’t believe it should be legal to intrude on privacy like this, but I don’t make the laws.

Last week, I answered a robotic call and heard, “Congratulations! This household has been selected to receive an absolutely free vacation cruise! Press one for more information, or two to be taken off the list.”

Huh? See what I mean about the off-the-charts absurdity factor here? There is no reason a company would offer a total stranger an absolutely free, no strings attached vacation cruise. Conversely, there is no reason a normal, sane person would decline such a generous offer.

So, we had reached an impasse of logical absurdity, a game played at a whole new farcical level.

What the recording might as well have said is, “Look, we all know we’re low-life brain-eating zombies out to get all your private information and leave you undead in some gutter. If that sounds good, press one.

The unpaid working for the undead?

Blog Guy, I really want to get into the movie business. Can you help me out?

I suppose I can pull a few strings and get you an unpaid production assistant job on “World War Z,” that new zombie movie starring Brad Pitt.

Wow! I would get to be Brad Pitt’s assistant?

Slow down, Speedy! No, you get to assist the zombies. Stack them in a truck, drive them from scene to scene, use a pitchfork to put them where they belong, and so on.

Can’t they just lurch from place to place?

Hardly. They may be the walking dead, but they are still stars who want to be pampered.

Darn, I’d forget my blouse if it wasn’t…

Lamar, did you manage to get us some more cut-rate models for the fashion show?  I know you’ve saved money in the past by using the criminally insane, the extremely sullen, zombies….

This time I have a real good feeling, boss. My shrink gave me some names of women in his Forgetful and Absent-Minded Therapy Group, and they look pretty presentable.

So? How does that help us, Lamar?

Don’t you get it, Boss? They do the fashion show for us, they immediately forget about it, and we don’t pay them anything!

I don’t know about that, Lamar.

Trust me, Boss, look, the show is starting now. Oops, I guess that first one absent-mindedly forgot to stop zipping up before she covered her face…

A great year to be alive, or at least undead

Blog Guy, is it just me, or did you write a lot more about zombies this year than you have in the past?

You bet I did. If you have to be a lurching, undead brain-eater, 2010 was a good year for it.

Zombies had their own hit TV series, “The Walking Dead,” which got lots of publicity by dispatching the undead to dozens of cities around the world.

There was plenty more. Zombie chicks showed up at the famous Cannes Film Festival to publicize  “Zombie Women of Satan,” and zombies dominate the casts of several other new movies.

They also had a crucial role in a commercial, although it was ultimately banned just because it was scaring small children.

Looking for a profession to call their own, zombies made great headway – sorry – virtually taking over the physical fitness business in our health-conscious society.

Who gets more publicity than zombies?

Okay Lamar, you’ve had weeks to work on a plan to promote our new AMC television series about zombies, “The Walking Dead.” It premieres on Sunday, so what do you have?

Great stuff, Boss! We’re sending zombies out to 26 cities around the world, see, to walk around the streets and get publicity for our show. What do you think?

Real zombies, Lamar? You’re putting real zombies on airplanes and sending them places?

You bet! It makes perfect sense. Zombies are happy to fly coach, they don’t bring any luggage, and as far as food on the flights, you know, they fend for themselves.

But what about hotels and return flights and stuff, Lamar? Can they handle that?

That’s the beauty part, Boss. They go out every night, so we don’t even have to pay for hotels. And honestly, we’re not expecting many of them to come back here when they’re finished.

Ya think she might be nuts, Lamar?

So wait a minute, Lamar. Tell me again how you know this chick who’s coming here to the bar?

I haven’t actually met her, Lonnie, but she sounds very hot.

And she’s a real model?

You bet. She just modeled at Paris Fashion Week. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Dude, I’m SO jealous! What do you think she looks like?

I picture her as very all-American looking. Athletic, long blond hair, doesn’t need any makeup at all.

Zombie nun scares poor little doggie!

Blog Guy, you went too far in your blog a couple of weeks ago when you implied that people in Spain aren’t happy unless they are “killing, maiming, torturing or frightening poor animals.”

Let me get this straight. You had to go back two whole weeks to catch me going too far? I must be slipping.

I’ll have you know there are other things going on in Spain, what with theater, music and so on.

I demand you look in your photo archive and show us the most recent arts photo from Spain. What are you afraid of?

Okay, you win, I’ve pulled up the most recent one, taken on Thursday.

Aha! Go on, Blog Guy, tell us all what it shows! Out with it!

Mary, Mary, quite contrary…

It turns out the folks who regulate ads over in Britain have banned one showing Queen Mary I as a flesh-eating zombie, after complaints that it frightened children.

Now, I’m all for not giving nightmares to our children any sooner than we have to, like for example when I had to explain truthfully to my son who Richard Nixon was.

But let’s face it. Queen Mary WAS a flesh-eating zombie! Just check out this portrait, painted while she was the queen, by somebody trying to make her look GOOD.

They didn’t call her “Bloody Mary” for nothing. Back in the 16th century, she burned some  300 people at the stake just because they checked “No thanks, we don’t want to be Roman Catholics,” when they filled out the questionnaire.

So after all that, we’re supposed to show her baking chocolate chip cookies for the neighborhood children?

Sorry kids, Mary was a nutjob who gave zombies a bad name, and if you see her, run away.

And while you’re at it, don’t take any lemonade from Old Man Hitler, either.