Reuters Money

As a financial adviser, John Gugle believed he was the best person to look after his 68-year-old mother’s finances after his father passed away in 2008.

“Who else would look after her needs as well as I could, or who else would care as much since this is my mother? I could probably write a book about all of the things that I’ve learned from this ordeal,” says Gugle, an adviser with Alpha Financial Advisors.

What John and millions of other Americans have discovered is taking the financial reins on eldercare is easier said than done — especially when multiple siblings, family baggage and geographic constraints come into play.

An estimated 29 percent of the adult population — 65.7 million people — are caregivers, contributing at least 20 hours of care per week, according to a study by the National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP.

Nearly 31 percent of those surveyed considered their care giving situation to be highly stressful because of co-residence and the burden of care.  Coupled with the emotional strain on family ties, it’s easy to forget the common thread in the sibling war is love for the parent.

But don’t despair; there are ways to navigate tense sibling relationships while providing your parent with a sound financial foundation.

Quash old patterns
Mom’s favorite? Black sheep? Baby of the brood? Experts say it’s crucial for families not to fall into prescribed rolls. Instead, focus on the parent and ensure the discussion is about facts and not feelings.

“Take any of your pre-conceived notions about your siblings out of the discussion and be very frank about the facts,” Gugle recommends, adding his siblings often set up conference calls to discuss his mother’s financial options.

“We can choose to back stab each other, talk behind each other’s backs, but that’s going to get you nowhere.”

The temptation to slip into old roles is nearly universal, says Francine Russo, author of They’re Your Parents Too: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy.

“Think about all those movies that come out every holiday season. Home for the holidays and everyone reverts back to when they were 10-years-old.  That’s the most common temptation. Whatever roles worked when you were a kid, don’t work anymore.”

Get expert advice
Consulting a third party, such as a certified elder law attorney, elder mediator or geriatric care manager can bring an objective perspective to an often tense familial situation.

An elder law attorney can provide direction on third-party benefits like long-term care insurance and can navigate intricate tax laws if claiming your parent as a dependent.  Families should sit down to sketch out a plan with a professional at least 5 years before the need for care arises, suggests Jeff Marshall, a certified elder law attorney with Marshall, Parker & Associates, LLC.

“Because there is so much potential for family conflict and family goals being lost, dissolved in the long-term care maze, it’s really critical to get expert help and the sooner the better,” Marshall says.

A financial adviser will ensure families are presented with all options available for a parent’s assets –  sale of the primary home, reverse mortgages, life settlements – and can facilitate  organization of assets while future plans are discussed.

“Take the mystery out of it. Make sure your kids are on board with what your wishes are,” Gugle suggests.

How can parents help?
There are a few things parents can do to ensure bad blood doesn’t arise. The first step, and probably the most critical, is for the parent to establish which child will have power of attorney and in what capacity.

“It’s something that really has to be thought out in advance, hopefully before a crisis has arisen and while the parent is still able to express their goals,” Marshall says, adding the process is often an afterthought when clients come in for other issues like updating a will.

In order to avoid conflict, Russo suggests parents sit down with their children and spell out who has been appointed and why.  Siblings should be mindful that the child given power of attorney often needs just as much support as the aging parent.

“The person who is doing this is usually doing a difficult and thankless job and they’re overwhelmed and busy,” Russo says.

“Before suspicion is awakened or criticism, it’s really good in this situation to have a little compassion for the person doing this job and not automatically assume bad motives.”

Establishing information access and fostering open lines of communication are also key in maintaining family harmony.

“If an elder client comes in, we ask them up front ‘Who can we share information with?’ We encourage them to give us permission to share information, not just with the person who is going to be the executor or the power of attorney, but all of the children,” Marshall says.

“Bring all of the children into the planning process, provide them all with information and have them be part of the plan, so they can’t sit back and snipe quite so easily later.”

Out of state?

Caring for a parent across state lines can further exacerbate the blame game between siblings. “Sometimes the out-of-state siblings gets told they’re not doing what they should and the people who are local say they’re the ones who have to deal with this day in and day out,” says Gugle, whose mother and siblings live in Ohio while he resides in North Carolina.

If you don’t live near your siblings and find it difficult to be a part of the conversation, Gugle suggests using annual holidays as a time to broach care issues.

“You get together, the grandchildren have all gone to sleep, and you sit around the kitchen table and talk. Because we’re talking about morbid issues — death and dying — sometimes people avoid it, but that’s to their own detriment.”

The Internet is another tool that can help bridge the gap. Financial institutions that offer online services and websites like generationsunite.com allow family members access to important documents like medical records and financial statements.

And finally, don’t underestimate the power of emotional support. If your sibling is the primary caregiver in another state, offering thanks and appreciation goes a long way.

“If you call up your sister, she may dump a load of stuff on you about how hard she has it and how easy you have it — a lot of stuff that’s uncomfortable, makes you feel guilty and makes you not want to have that conversation again. But I advise people who are out of town to persist and try to be understanding and keep that emotional support going,” Russo says.