It was two weeks before Christmas, and all through the House (of Representatives), Lawmakers were stirring (frantically) trying to get a bill passed reforming the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Oh, I’ll give up.

But Massachusetts Rep. Edward Markey read the following satire of the famed Christmas poem to the full House Energy and Commerce Committee on Thursday. Many lawmakers smiled indulgently while Chairman John Dingell, the veteran Michigan congressman who gives life to the word “irascible,” sat stonefaced.

Some staff and lobbyists applauded when Markey finished. We here produce it in its entirety:

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

‘Twas two weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
Mothers and fathers were starting to grouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
With hopes that safe products would soon be stuffed there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Wishing for toys that did not contain lead.

And Ma had just disappointed the tots
When she had to throw out their new Aquadots.
Then out at the CPSC there arose such a clatter,
The House and the Senate asked what was the matter.

We had several hearings with the Chairman, Nancy Nord.
Her answers left us, frankly, quite floored.
She didn’t want money, she didn’t need staff.
Her protestations, in short, made us laugh.

Then, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But a CPSC bill for Congress to clear
This bill has good points, on that we agree.
It adds needed money and new F.T.E’s.
It makes sure that kids’ toys will not contain lead,
It helps to ensure they are tested instead.

Test Barbie! Diego! And poisonous Thomas!
Mattel, Hasbro and Disney! You all must now promise
To test your new products! Be sure to comply!
Get toys off store shelves when things go awry!

This morning we meet as the lobbyists try
To convince all the members NOT to vote “aye.”
They say NO to amendments to be sure nationwide.
All children are safe on amusement park rides
They fight for the industry’s lawsuits in court
To prevent the release of toy safety reports.

As for plans to require that all dangers be known
The lobbyists all shake their heads and they groan.
And others who try to mandate recalls
Their efforts may not be successful at all
Today as we work on this new safety bill.

I hope that we all can agree that we will -
Say AYE to amendments that make the bill stronger
So that toys that are toxic can’t be sold any longer.
Let’s welcome rides that are scary and fast
But let CPSC in to check them at last.
Let’s roll up our sleeves, and clean up store shelves
So families can focus on reindeer and elves.

And to these families we’ll say once we finish this fight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

– Reporting by Diane Bartz