Bayern Munich could win the Bundesliga championship this weekend without even kicking a ball.

With a 12-point lead over Werder Bremen and Schalke 04 and four matches left, Bayern — who don’t play again until visiting VfL Wolfsburg on Sunday — will be watching from their recliners on Saturday when Bremen and Schalke try to keep their faint hopes alive.

Should Bremen and Schalke fail to win their respective home matches against Energie Cottbus and Hanover 96, Bayern will be crowned champions.  

The Germans have an interesting term for winning the championship in that fashion — “Sofa-meister” (couch champion).  

But Bayern captain Oliver Kahn said it doesn’t matter how they win a record 21st German championship — even if they take it lying down.  

“If we end up winning as Sofa-meister, that’s the way it goes,” Kahn told Premiere Television on Sunday. “You can’t change it. That’s the way it is. Obviously you’d rather win the championship on the pitch.”  

Kahn missed Bayern’s 4-1 win over VfB Stuttgart on Sunday due to injury. He said he would have played if Bayern could have won the championship on Sunday — which would have been possible had Bremen lost and Schalke not won on Saturday. As it turned out Bremen managed a 3-3 draw at Karlsruhe and Schalke beat Hamburg SV 1-0.

So Kahn didn’t even suit up for the match on Sunday…and gave interviews about “Sofameisters” instead.

Erik Kirschbaum, Berlin

PHOTO: Bayern Munich’s Franck Ribery celebrates with coach Ottmar Hitzfeld during the German Bundesliga soccer match against Stuttgart, April 27 REUTERS/Michael Dalder

The German-language speaking skills of Italy’s Luca Toni and France’s Franck Ribery have suddenly become a bit of an obsession in the German media (I mentioned Toni’s one-word vocabulary last week).

There was a great quote from Toni a few days later explaining just how little work they do in the two language classes they have per week alongside their Argentine colleague Jose Ernesto Sosa.

“It’s a lot of fun because the teacher tries to explain something to us and we each answer in our own way,” Toni was quoted as saying in an interview with Tuttosport. “Me with an Italian accent, Ribery with a French accent and Sosa with an Argentine accent. We laugh a lot but at the end of the day we don’t learn much.”

Rarely have players made such light of communication difficulties as Ribery and Toni. The Italian scored Bayern’s first in the 2-1 Cup final win over Borussia Dortmund on Saturday, converting easily after a great run and cross from the French midfielder.

Toni got the winner, too – diverting a shot from Lukas Podolski in extra-time for his 35th goal since arriving from Fiorentina last year. It was the fourth game in a row featuring two goals from Toni, who has been pushing Bayern management to sign another Italian next season so he’ll have someone to talk to.

Actually, credit where it’s due, because after the Cup final the two players gave their German-speaking debuts on local TV.

“Das ist eine Wasser,” (This is a water) Ribery said in German that was somewhat less than grammatically correct as he squirted a bottle full of water on Toni, who was in the midst of an interview (in Italian). 

Toni also showed those language lessons had not been for nothing. Asked how his German was coming along he just said: “Langsam, langsam” (slowly).

Remember, Toni was a late developer as a striker, too, so this time next year he’ll probably be fluent in ‘the awful German language’.

Erik Kirschbaum, Berlin

PHOTO: Toni and Ribery celebrate after the Italian’s second goal in Bayern’s German Cup final win over Borussia Dortmund at the Olympiastadion in Berlin, April 19, 2008. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Luca Toni has evidently not learned much German in the eight months since he moved over the Alps a few hundred kilometres north of native Italy to the Bavarian capital of Munich.

With plenty of translators at his service and a wide range  of fine Italian restaurants in Munich to pick from, there’s little need to spend time studying the difficult tongue-twisting language of Goethe and Schiller. His interviews in the German media are invariably translated from Italian.

But Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld revealed on Sunday that Toni has in the meantime enriched his vocabulary with at least one German term - Tor (goal).

“I asked him at half-time if he wanted to play the whole match or come off and he just said ‘Tor, Tor, Tor’,” Hitzfeld said after Toni had scored twice in the first half against Dortmund, by which time they were leading 4-0.

Toni, who came to Bayern from Fiorentina in the close-season, has proven that you don’t need to speak fluent German to understand what keeps your German employers happy. That one three-letter word “Tor” is enough.

He has 31 goals in all competitions and leads the Bundesliga in scoring with 18 goals with six matches left.

Even though he didn’t score a third goal against Dortmund (the match finished 5-0, but it was Andreas Ottl who got the fifth), Toni ended up playing the full 90 minutes on Sunday just three days after going 120 minutes (and scoring twice in the last five) in Bayern’s epic UEFA Cup tie at Getafe.

But it’s not only his goal-scoring that makes Toni such a watchable player.

“Even when his shots miss, the anguish on Toni’s face and the gesticulations with his hands are so expressive and so much fun to watch,” said one commentator on Premiere Television.

PHOTO: Toni scores his first goal against Dortmund during their Bundesliga match in Munich, April 13, 2008. REUTERS/Alexandra Beier

There are of course many ways to get sent off, but Jan Simak may be the first player to earn a red card for giving a referee the “Doppel Tomaten auf den Augen” (Two tomatoes on the eyes) gesture.

The Carl Zeiss Jena playmaker’s unfortunate ejection in the 51st minute of their German Cup semi-final match at Borussia Dortmund - when they were behind 1-0 but close to equalising - pretty much took the life out of what was until then a good game.

The relegation-threatened second division underdogs were putting up a great fight against Dortmund and had the Bundesliga side on the ropes. After Simak was sent off Dortmund got two late goals to win 3-0.

Perhaps Simak, a Czech, did not fully understand the impact in German of the gesture — covering his eyes with his fists. “Tomaten auf den Augen” (Tomatoes on the eyes) is a popular phrase in Germany to refer to referees who were blind to something obvious that happened in front of their eyes. Some newspapers even publish pictures of the referee with giant tomatoes covering their eyes after particularly daft decisions.

Or perhaps it was all just a cultural misunderstanding by the Czech. He didn’t realise German referee Manuel Graefe would feel insulted to the extent that he would give him a second yellow card just seconds after flashing him the first for his mild complaints about a foul.

There have been other misunderstandings lately. Hertha Berlin’s French-speaking Swiss coach Lucien Favre was able to avoid a suspension by convincing league officials that he did not make the insulting “bird” gesture (which in Germany usually means “I think you’re crazy”) to a referee in Hertha’s 1-1 draw at Dortmund a week earlier, as the referee had charged, while complaining about an erroneous red card that was then quickly rescinded.

Simak did not attempt such a defence.

“Yes, unfortunately I did,” Simak later told journalists when asked if his gesture was the “double tomato”. “It was a mistake. I’m unhappy about being sent off for it. But soccer is a sport full of emotions.”

And maybe tomatoes.
 

Martin Demichelis, who once said being dropped from the Argentina squad just before the 2006 World Cup was a fate worse than death, caused a stir in Germany this weekend for putting his country ahead of his employer.

Demichelis was dropped from Bayern Munich’s squad by coach Ottmar Hitzfeld on Friday for insubordination. The defender refused Hitzfeld’s request to play in the defensive midfield position against Energie Cottbus on Saturday in place of Mark van Bommel, who had been suspended by the league for making an obscene gesture.

Moments after Hitzfeld had informed journalists of his decision, Demichelis unexpectedly appeared before reporters to tell his side of the story. He was close to tears as he awkwardly explained that as much as he loved Bayern Munich he was now a defender for Argentina and wanted to play for Bayern in that position — not midfield anymore, even though that was his position after moving to Bayern from River Plate in 2003.

Perhaps getting dropped by Argentina just before the World Cup as a midfielder two years ago left a scar so deep that Demichelis, who has had a very good season anchoring Bayern’s defence, felt he had to take a stand and call Hitzfeld’s bluff. 

“It’s not only that I don’t have any desire to play anymore — I don’t have any desire to live,” Demichelis told German journalists in May 2006 after he was unexpectedly dropped by then Argentina coach Jose Pekerman.

On Saturday Bayern were soundly beaten by lowly Energie Cottbus 2-0 and Bayern’s weak Demichelis-less defence rightly got the blame for the fiasco.

On Monday Hitzfeld said Demichelis was back in the squad after apologising, even though Demichelis was quoted saying Hitzfeld was the one who should apologise.

In any event, the case once again raised the question of loyalties — what is more important? Club or country? The employer or the nation? Those who sign the cheques or those who wave the flags?

Erik Kirschbaum, Berlin

PHOTO: Demichelis in action for Bayern, July.7 2007 REUTERS/Michael Dalder 

The surly, menacing image that Germany’s grumpy goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has carefully cultivated over the years, to intimidate on-charging strikers and pen-wielding journalists, has gone out the window with a surprising confession this weekend.

Lehmann has candidly admitted his wife Conny wears the pants at home.
 
When Arsenal’s reserve keeper was asked why he unexpectedly backed out of a move to Borussia Dortmund recently, Lehmann said he really, really wanted to go.

“My wife Conny said ‘Last summer I wanted to move back to Germany and you didn’t want to. Now you’re the only one (in the family) who wants to go back and you’d just leave me here in London with the children’,” Lehmann told Bild am Sonntag.

“So I couldn’t do it.”

His hopes of remaining Germany’s first choice for Euro 2008 are now in the balance as he continues to warm Arsenal’s bench. Do you know of any other players browbeaten by the women in their life? 

Erik Kirschbaum, Berlin

PHOTO: Arsenal’s reserve keeper Jens Lehmann warms up at a Premier League match against Tottenham Hotspur in London, Dec 22 REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

* This post was edited at 1525 GMT to add extra detail

A trio of Bayern Munich defenders eager to play at the Olympics are about to feel some heavy-duty arm-twisting by club manager Uli Hoeness, who is not at all happy about the idea of Martin Demichelis, Lucio and Breno missing pre-season training and the first few games of the campaign to play in China.

“We’re going to do everything we can to see that players who are already on their country’s top international team are not going to be called up for the Olympic selection as well,” Hoeness told Germany’s Bild am Sonntag newspaper this weekend. 

“We’re not going to take that lying down. We’re going to pull every lever we can to prevent that. It’s not going to happen.”

The 27-year-old Demichelis, who just missed a place at the 2006 World Cup, was nominated last week for Argentina’s Olympic squad, who will be defending the gold medal won in 2004 in Athens. According to media reports, Lucio (29) likewise wants to go as an over-age player for Brazil. His countryman Breno is 18 and was recently called up to the Olympics squad.

As Brian Homewood wrote last month, soccer at the Olympics carries a great deal of prestige in Latin America.

Hoeness appears less enthused with Olympic spirit and that could be bad news for Brazil and Argentina because the long-serving Bayern chief is an old hand at this game.

Ze Roberto, for example, was urged to formally retire from the Brazil international side before Bayern Munich would re-sign him last year and before that there was repeated friction with Elber and his international career for Brazil.

PHOTO: Lucio (L) celebrates a goal with team mate Martin Demichelis during Bayern’s Champions League match against Real Madrid at the Santiago Bernabeu stadium, February 20, 2007. REUTERS/Victor Fraile

Franck Ribery has been putting in overtime to learn German since he arrived at Bayern Munich in July in a record-breaking 25 million euro transfer. As he said at the time, he wants to be an integral part of the club.

The gifted France midfielder has clearly integrated himself in Munich with vital goals but he has not yet discovered the subtleties of German humour.

On Sunday, rain-drenched fans at relegation-threatened Arminia Bielefeld resorted to gallows humour to stay warm before their match against Bayern with self-deprecating chants about their little-known playmaker Jonas Kamper: “We have Kamper, who needs Ribery?” (”Wir haben Kamper, Scheiss auf Ribery”)

After a magnificent solo effort in the 22nd minute, when he outraced two Bielefeld defenders and rounded goalkeeper Mathias Hain before powering an angled shot into the vacant goal, Ribery pushed away team mates rushing to congratulate him and ran to the Bielefeld section, where he made an unflattering gestures about their pre-match chants as if to say: “You’re all talk.” As the jeers erupted, he cupped his hand over his ear as if to say: “I still can’t hear you.”

Ribery’s German team mate Miroslav Klose admonished him for the taunt – “I ran over and told him to knock it off,” Klose said — but Ribery later told journalists (in French) that he couldn’t resist giving it back to them.

“I understood exactly what they were singing,” Ribery said after Bayern’s 1-0 win took them back top. “That kind of thing is normal in football. But it nevertheless gave me tremendous joy to score that goal.”

PHOTO: Ribery gives a thumbs-up after Bayern’s win over Bielefeld, December 2, 2007. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

Nearly four years ago, a traditional soccer power that had fallen on hard times by squandering their enormous resources and great potential turned — almost in desperation — to an untested young coach with a lot of demands and no track record. And that was only after their three first choices had turned down the job.

With hindsight, the German FA (DFB) should be given credit for their courage to turn over the “Nationalelf” to Juergen Klinsmann – even if they had just about run out of candidates who still had a pulse. 

At the time, it looked like madness to some. But two years later, after Klinsmann had led Germany to third place in the World Cup, there were 82 million Germans begging him to stay longer.

Klinsmann, of course, refused to stay and returned home to California at the end of his two-year contract. He didn’t need the money and wanted a break after the two-year mission: He came, he saw, he fixed it and went home.

It seems to me England are having similar problems and could do with a Klinsmann to help them out. They produce so many talented players, have the world’s best league, an unrivalled tradition and a huge appetite for winning, yet they so often underperform.

Klinsmann triumphed in part because he wasn’t afraid to bring in young and untried players. He was also prepared to sack people who got in his way — like goalkeeping coach Sepp Maier and ageing defender Christian Woerns.

Klinsmann also stood up to the powerful media in Germany, refused to play according to their rules, and after some serious sniping ultimately had even the most vicious pressbox critics eating out of his hand.

If nothing else, having a German coach might at least help England overcome their trauma with penalties.

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PHOTO: Klinsmann celebrates with the fans at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, July 9, 2006. REUTERS/Marcus Brandt/Pool

It’s only a slight exaggeration to say the only people in the United States who want Juergen Klinsmann’s autograph are the waiters seeking his signature on their credit card receipts.

The former Germany coach and striker might be virtually overrun in his home country by autograph seekers and could probably not walk down a street anywhere in Germany even in the middle of the night without causing a stir.

But in California, it’s Juergen Who?

“It’s great that we can lead a normal life here,” Klinsmann told me when there was only one autograph request during the course of a two-hour interview in his adopted California home - from a friendly waiter who brought the check for lunch.

“It’s just a completely different world. That would change overnight if we (he and his family) ever went back to Europe.”

I’ve had three interviews in California with Klinsmann over the past few years, all of them in very public coffee shops, bars and restaurants, and there was only one soccer fan who recognised him and asked for an autograph, and he was from Europe.

Even then he stood shyly a few metres off in the distance for a moment — perhaps to make sure it really was Klinsmann — before sending his uninformed yet infinitely more courageous American girlfriend up to our table at an outdoor cafe to ask on his behalf.

Klinsmann, who had just been explaining to me that no one in America knew who he was,  laughed at the irony before happily signing his name: “That almost never happens here, really. It’s only the occasional tourist from Europe or South America.”

Klinsmann savours his nearly anonymous life in America. He once even played in a local California soccer league under an assumed name, until some started wondering who this guy was named “Jay” — as in “J” — who was scoring all these goals. He believes that even though David Beckham has sparked a wave of interest in soccer in the United States he will still be able to remain just another face in the crowd.

“Even with Beckham being here now soccer doesn’t have the mass appeal that other sports do,” he said. “Soccer isn’t part of the culture and that’s why nothing has changed for me, even after the World Cup. I can still go shopping or out to eat without anyone noticing — just like before.”

Erik Kirschbaum, Huntington Beach, California